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Joined: Mar 2007
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CBrown Offline OP
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I just found out a couple of months ago that my husband had a long term public affair with a woman at church. From what I was told, it appears to be limited to a romantic & emotional affair. Of all places for it to occur, it took place in a church sanctuary, while the minster (a friend to both my husband and the other woman) looked on. My husband supposedly sat shoulder to shoulder, leg to leg, in an otherwise empty pew, with a younger divorced single woman for years, in front of her children, her family and the minister of the church, who watched them just 3 pews away. All knew that my husband was married. (The divorced woman had even phoned our home on a few occassions on the pretense of church business, but kept my husband engaged on the phone for 45 minutes in an overly friendly call. How foolish I was to let that go on without any questions.)

Though there has been some confirmation this woman was very aggressive, my husband did not retreat. Apparently, the woman stroked his ego with words along the lines of him being a good catch, while she stoked his fire with divisive thoughts. She planted poisionous seeds by telling him he deserved better and questioned why he was in this marriage. Obvioulsy, she only had one side of a story, she was NOT a friend to the marriage, and my husband was confiding in a woman who had her own agenda. (It has been confirmed it was her desire to break apart my marriage and family.) While my husband may have been ambivalent for a while, he listend her her profess her feelings to him on several occasions (in the church). He too eventually acknowledged having feelings for her too. (Oh, that hurts!)

You'll asky why I wasn't there. I DO NOT have a good reason other than to say I was exahausted from caring from our special needs son,(ADHD/gifted) and because I don't have a support system here. My husband and I also disagreed about his choice of church with was several towns away from our home, and we were cramped for time. We also had an unresolved problem in that my husband would be sought out after church for being a well spoken, warm, caring, professional. I on the other hand do not have the degrees or the confidence to speak to strangers, especially when I'm not introduced or I am excluded from the convesation. Though I tried for years to overcome this problem, nothing was resolved.

So, my husband insited on going to this church, while I just used that Sunday morning as my only day of rest. Unforunately, that is when the relationship with the other woman blossomed. I should have pushed myself to accompany him, but despite my efforts, it didn't seem to be workable.

I only found out just months ago. My husband came forward with SOME information (with a twist of the truth) since he was about to be exposed. Since then, more bombs have been going off as I get more the truth. I have been devasted because while this relationship was flourishing, I was struggling to keep our family and our two teenage sons afloat, and our special needs son on a postive track. My son was heading off to college, and for the first time ever was coming home with discipline infractions, and some trouble with police. It didn't stop when he was at college. While I was visiting my son at college on the weekends to make sure he was on the right track, my husband was spending late afternoons at the church, avoiding our other son. It was an extremely tumultous time, and my husband was only perphirally involved, while I was overwhelmed and felt completely abandoned.

So, the fact the betrayal in itself hurt, but the public aspect of it, and where it took place makes the betrayal seem much bigger than it was. The fact the minister and church members turned a blind eye, and this was done in front of this woman's children and family increases the pain. What ever happened to that commandment that says thou shall not covet someone's spouse? Or - isn't it wrong to try and come between a husband and wife? Or - isn't it wrong for a married man and a divorced woman to cuddle up with o [color:"blue"] [/color] ne another at church? Why didn't the church step in, when all knew he was married?

The fact my husband concealed this relationship until he was just about to be caught, also give me cause for concern. Two years after the fact, the other woman sends my husband an email professing her love, while she says she's sorry for hurting me, but at the same time says she wishes they slept together so my hurt feelings would be valid. To me she is like a hovering helicopter waiting for my husband to give her the signal to land. My husband knows that she would take him on any terms. She is that desperate and lonely, and that much in love with him.

I'm just overwhelmed by it all, and since then have been on anti anxiety meds to calm my rolling stomach and my many nights of restless sleep and bad dreams centered around them snuggling in the church pew.

I'm STUCK and unable to move past this, though I want to forgive my husband. This happened two years ago, and he pushed her out of his life. But since I'm just learning of it, it is FRESH to me. We still have boxes of photos in our bedroom of her, her children and the church that haunt me. How can I get myself unstuck and out of this emotional rut I can't seem to shake? How can I bring myself to trust my husband again, who has shocked me and knocked the wind out of me by being dishonest and unfaithful? Is it possible to bring trust back into the marriage, after such a huge betrayal, and especially after it appears that even God himself may have endorsed their flawed and inappropriate relationship? I feel as if I should just step back and let think take their natural course, as it seems at one point my husband, and even an entire church and minister thought it was not meant to be part of this marriage. [color:"blue"] [/color]

Joined: Sep 2003
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"Is it possible to bring trust back into the marriage, after such a huge betrayal, and especially after it appears that even God himself may have endorsed their flawed and inappropriate relationship?"

It was Satan that endorsed their relationship. I hope you will right a letter to the church board and pastor, letting them know the truth.

As far as trusting your husband again, he will need to earn back that trust after a long period of time.

In the meantime, stick with us, and read all that you can here. You are not alone.

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CBrown Offline OP
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I did communicate with the minister and told him about what happened. He would NOT comment on what happened in the sanctuary over that period of years. He simply identified the root of the problem to be between husband and wife, and cautioned me from thinking the church played a small role in that betrayal.

Though the minister should have stopped the hippocracy that was going on in front on him, I have to put the blame squarely on my husband,that desperate woman, and I suppose me too for letting him go astray. Still, I know I didn't deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

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I'm sorry to hear that. My husband and I were members of the same church for 15 years, and very active in the church. After D-day, husband had the nerve to show up in church with the other woman.

I talked to the pastor, and husband was asked NOT to attend anymore, until he had a meeting with the church heads. Of course, he just changed churches, but it made me feel better.

Don't blame yourself for "letting him go astray". As marriage partners, we are supposed to trust. All his choices are HIS alone.

Even though it happened two years ago, since you just found out, it is like it happened yesterday. In time, if your husband is trustworthy, you will recover.

Joined: Jan 2006
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CBrown,

I have to say that what your H did is so incredibly disrespectful to you, your son (and any other children you may have), the church and to GOD... that it sickens me.

AND THAT PASTOR... is he KIDDING? They KNOWINGLY allowed them to carry on their affair and then have the walnuts to imply they had no responsibility for allowing it? What kind of SICK church is this?

This is abuse: against YOU! Ohmygosh, I am SO ANGRY for you!!!

By the way, your H carries 100 PERCENT of the blame for having the affair. You're right about that... the OW is a skank, but even she isn't your concern right now -- however, if she's married, I'd SO be sharing what I know with her H. MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU are not to blame for HIS CHIOCE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. Not one iota!!!!!!! Hear me!!!!! (I'm not yelling, honest <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

Finally, I have a grown son with disabilities and boy, it sure is true that special needs children cause strain in families, bless their beautiful hearts!

My heart goes out to you!! Keep posting...

(And if that church has a head office - CALL THEM AND EXPOSE THIS TRAVISTY)...

Many, many HUGS to you!



Joined: Aug 2005
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I may be naive, but I am struggling to understand why 2 people sitting together in a pew on a Sunday morning constitutes an affair. I sincerely doubt that "snuggling" took place -- sorry --- just doesn't "ring true" to me based on many, many years of church attendance. Are you sure you aren't overreacting?

Yes.... there may very well be an emotional attachment there -- maybe even due to the dynamics of the family. However, what have the two of you been doing to address YOUR stress levels. Have you gone for counseling? Have you told him how overwhelmed you are with all of the family responsibilities?

Just some random thoughts from somebody who looked to blame others for her own failure to recognize the needs of her beloved.

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CBrown Offline OP
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Dear Atlast,

No. I'm most certainly NOT overreacting. When a married man sits so closely to a divorced woman in an otherwise empty church pew, so close that shoulders touch, FOR YEARS, it indicates intimacy. I would think this behavior wouldn't fly in most churches. This went on for years, an everyone knew my husband IS married. Other church members were aware of feelings between them. Yet, NO ONE spoke to my husband about it, and he too NOW says some one should have said something because he wasn't thinking straight. There was one person who spoke up, perhaps more, but not to the minister, my husband, or the woman. It was thought of as "inapprorpirate", and most likely the source of some juicy gossip in the church.

The other woman's recent email to my husband (Yes, I have personally seen it) states her intended agenda, which was to break apart this marriage. Her manipulative tactics surfaced. This woman massaged my husband's ego with lovey pet names, questioning WHY the marriage could be together, and stating her current deep feelings speaks volumnes! He cry for attention and need to reach out to my husband was quite upsetting to me, especially since my husband stepped away from this church years ago because ther relationship was WRONG. he absense of respect for the marriage was disappointly apparent not only from my husband (at this time), the woman, and the church members. We can only guess, but we think church members thought it was probably none of their business.

THIS WAS MORE THAN AN ATTACHMENT here since there WAS INTENT TO BREAK APART A MARRAIGE AND A FAMILY.

Frankly, I'm shocked by your rush to judge and MEAN SPIRITED response. "Just some random thoughts from somebody who looked to blame others for her own failure to recognize the needs of her beloved."


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