Hello, I"m posting here, just for advice.. I posted in the EN section the entire story and then some... But, it was thought this might be another or better place to get additional advice.

My W 2 years ago from November 2006, had an Online Affair with Another man a couple thousand miles away.. Keep in mind our sex life has been virtually non existent since we met.. and we've been married nearly 7 years. With sex 1 to 5 times a year since we started out... I am a very sexual person, she doesn't need sex, period...

Anyways, she was using an online web cam with this guy as well as instant messenger.. She made videos for this OM and sent him emails, saying "I made you something special just to make your day.." etc..

She's never ever done this for me, or anything even close to it.. Anyways, I caught her the first time, told her not to do it again, and moved on... I thought maybe it was a one time thing and she knew better.

10 months to 12 months later I find new evidence.. Threatened with separation and / or divorce, and she begged and pleaded.. So I gave in again, this time I watched her throw away the webcam, her computer doesn't work anymore (not on purpose), but she has very limited private access to computers since then, though I've trusted her to not be in communication with him..

Well, yesterday, she tells me over lunch that he texted her cell phone... When I confronted her a year ago I found one cell call to him on our cell bill that lasted 1 to 2 minutes at most.. she denied ever calling him, but I showed it to her... She swears she doesn't remember calling him.. Anyways, it was only a minute..> Unless he calls her (which I would have no way of knowing.)

He text her and she told me she responded back.. He responded back to her stating something like "I hope your happy with the life you've chosen."

I didn't really say anything to her on it. I didn't know what to say. The fact she told me had to be hard enough.. But she trusted me enough to tell me and not blow up at her.

How should I handle this? We still have a virtually non-existent sex life.. She's on prescription medication that she says really does help with her sex drive, but does not wish to share any of it with me. It's been this way for 7 years of marriage and 1 year of living together before marriage.

In some ways, I want to tell her why don't you go live with him.. (I did tell her that when I confronted her and she tried to guilt me by saying "where would I go.")

But, anyways, I am in counseling. We can't really afford marriage counseling. But insurance covers some of the individual counseling, though that coverage may be used up already.

I've been showing her the most affection, caring about her, being a doormat for her.. Back rubs, neck rubs, foot massages, buying her stuff that she really wants, cleaning, doing laundry, even cleaned for my own birthday party (30th birthday.) on my day off!

I'm to the point I've been sucked dry, then she comes to me with this.. telling me she responded to him, somehow trying to get my attention.. But I don't know what more I could do for her? I mentioned in my post, we spend over $500.00 a month on eating out, something she insists on doing, not me (i'm trying to lose weight, it's not conducive to that! but I do it anyway for her.)

I've been this door mat for the last 3 to 6 months. With very little to no change in her respect, admiration, and attraction to me.

I don't know what else to do. I'm to the point that I no longer wish to fight for our sexual intimacy.. I survived 8 years of virtually nothing, so I have learned to live with it..

If she's in communication with him, I don't know how much, or how little. Maybe it was just this one instance. He text her once, she text him once, he text her back once and that was it.

I don't know, and have no way of knowing.

Plus she switched jobs, and really enjoys her new job, but it's 100% male employees.. Now, assuming she's not bi or lesbian, which how would I know since she avoids being with me like the plague, she is exposed to around 20 guys, that she could flirt or be attracted with... How would I ever know if she decides to lead one of them on? She's sworn to me she would never actually do anything with anyone in person... I trust that, but with this now, my trust is being violated.

Lastly, sexually, she just wants to get it over with. She views it more as a chore than something to enjoy together. No foreplay, no intimacy, just get it done with. Which, like I said earlier, isn't really of any consequence now. I don't know if I believe things could ever improve to where I would like them to be...

If you want more information, please check out my post on the EN section.. I posted this here due to not knowing how to handle the violation of contact with the OM, and how to handle the total disregard of my needs in the relationship, while showering her and with love, acceptance, and affection...

I would think 3 to 6 months would be long enough for her to change if it was something to do with me not giving her enough attention... It's been over a year since her last contact with the OM.

LoveLost,

This seems to be my day for saying this because it is about the third time I have said it, and I doubt I have said it more than 10 times in 8 years here.

Do you have children? If not, then my question for you is simple...Why are you still married to her? She clearly does not meet one of your main needs and a very normal one. She clearly had no problem being at least sexual in a remote sense with OM. She clearly is not trying to rebuild the marriage based on what you said.

So why are you still married to her? You need to figure that one out. I would think that IF there are no children, you might really want to be with someone you enjoy being with, not someone that seems to be putting up with you.

You first and foremost have some serious decisions to make. Once that is done, you need to make plans to make your decisions real.

Please think about this carefully.

JL

Amen to Just learnings post

Thanks Just Learning. Your words are somewhat surprising to hear on this site! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My counselor told me if I had gone to any other counselors, he said not that it's a counselors right to say this, but most of them would have told you to get out. His words were, this needs to be your decision, and ultimately, you need to know you've done everything you can so if things do come to divorce or separation, you know that you've done what you could.

I guess it's really hard to throw away the few good times we've had... But, I find it odd, just the other day, she asked me out of the blue "Do you think you could find someone else that has the same or similar interests as me?"

I don't know how to perceive that question from a spouse out of the blue, but I interpretted it as, if I were to leave, would you be able to find someone else? Or it could be interpretted as, Do you think I am still special to you, or is there someone that could take the place of me someday?

I'm not sure which place she was at.

LoveLost,

Well the short answer to her question is YES. I am of the opinion that there are LOTS of people that will suit a given person just find. Your counselor is right about you need to make decisions and feel "right" about leaving if that is what you decide.

On this site you will find the tools to try and change things. But, in reality if her interest in sex with you is as low as it seems that will not likely change. Now if she does have a sex drive, but not just for you, then that can change.

My point is simple. She has cheated on you. She has denied you. You offer few reasons for why you are attracted to her or like her. She seems to want to be married to you, but the reason you need figure out is WHY does she? And further, given that she does, the WHY the affair.

But, mostly if you goals for life are very different from hers, and she is not meeting your needs, and there are no children involved, then my question to you is WHY are you staying. I mean this seriously. Until you can really point out to yourself WHY you are staying, you really cannot really face WHY you would leave. THat is part of the work your counselor is talking about.

I hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

Now, I understand your quetion better. I understood it before, but much better now.

I've always thought it best to never ask why, because is it not a part of humanity to deep down to truely really not want to know the Why of things? Sometimes the answers are worse than not knowing.

But I agree with you, before I decide to stay or get out, whatever she does either way, I need to know the true reason of why I haven't left yet, Why I should stay, and truely why I should leave. Until I decide that there is no reason to change or do anything in some sense of the problem.

She stated today that we really need to talk more about our relationship as she realizes things are getting back to the way they were... as in, no connection between us, devoid of life.

I asked her in a non-accusatory method, if she's heard back from the OM. She said no. She said his message was on her phone for 2 or 3 days before she could decide whether to respond or not. (which indicates to me, she hid that he had messaged her, since she didn't tell me the same time he actually messaged her.) I asked her why she responded, she didn't know why really.

As far as the sex drive for me, or no sex drive at all period. I agree, that is the question I've been battling with in my heart and mind for 8 years... When I was young and Naive, and any reference to sex was evil (in my head) based on parental signals and examples, and probably due to being molested as a child, I had the strange naivity that women had no sex drive, only men did... (I know very stupid....) I found out they do, then I married someone that matches that philosophy... How Ironic.

Anyways, as always thanks for the enlightenment.. It did help verbalize or put into words what in reality I am trying to figure out or find... The question remaining is, how do I know when I've found the answer, or will I ever find an answer, and I just have to make a decision blindly, putting my fate or destiny in faith.

LoveLost,

As you well know there are no guarantees in life. But, what you can have faith in is that if you act in a kind and loving way toward people and YOURSELF. If you are the type of person that tries to contribute to society and civilization, if even only by raising good children, then on the whole your life will be rich. How? I cannot say. With whom? I cannot say. When? I cannot say.

The issues you have before you is that you are NOT happy in this marriage and that lack of happiness is going to reflect on everything you do. Your W cannot make you happy, only you can. If so why does she affect you so right? Well her actions have reactions in you. Your actions have reactions in her. She cannot make you a happy person if you are not already, but she can diminish that happiness.

Sex is a complex issue, but let me just say, we are sexual being not only to procreate, but to bond. That is why it is generally sanctions only in a marriage. It is supposed to be there, it is supposed to enjoy. What you are realizing is that sexual drive is controlled by chemicals within us, our minds, and the influences of others. It is an EMOTIONAL need and if you look at Harley's list of needs, emotional needs, sexual satisfaction is big, not as a physical need, but as an emotional need to bond the couple. Is it really balanced?

I have not seen too many situations where a married couple had matching sex drives. And even if they did match for awhile circumstances in life leaves that balance in flux. So there are always some issues, but not the sort you are having.

So yes work on the why? You want to leave this marriage, IF you do leave with as few regrets as possible. Your W has done a bad thing with her affair, but she is not a bad woman. She appears to want you in the marriage, but doesn't comprehend what she has done to you. Do talk with her, but also look deeply inside. The decision you are wrestling with is not an easy one and you are right to be ambivalent about it.

Keep working, keep talking, and you will know when you have reached a decision point.

God Bless,

JL