My spouse has left our home and has an affair with a woman at his workplace who is married and has two small children. Her husband knows about the affair and she has been talking about divorce.

But now I wonder if the affair might be ending by itself due to time. The emotional affair started in September 2006 and the physical affair started in October. During the autumn they were seeing each other in the evenings and she was lying to her husband about what she was doing (he knows this now). But I am quite sure that they have not met outside work for 2-3 weeks and they will not meet again for at least one week due to business trips (not together). When the affair started my spouse behaved like he was mad (he said that he was infatuated) and I don't think he would have let 3-4 weeks pass without seeing the OW. From what I understand most affairs end within 6 months so maybe this is ending now? What is your experience?

I can be quite sure that they have not met outside work since I have been snooping around. I have checked on his schedule, what friends he is seeing when he is not with me, and I even spied outside his house one evening. But they can still meet at work and that is more difficult for me to check. I don't want to ask him about the affair because he behaves as if he is defiant. He wants to do the opposite of what I want so if I ask him he might just want to see her again. I have considered asking a good friend to ask my spouse what is happening but it feels a bit strange. Any suggestions?

Did you speak to the husband about the affair yourself?

What is his take on it?

She is talking about divorce, but what is his angle? Does he want to save his marriage?

You may want to introduce him to Marriage Builders so that he can attempt to save his marriage.

Pressure from both sides will help end this. Exposure has been recommended strongly on this site. Sounds like you already made some efforts along this line.

opheliagrimm: Last time I spoke to him about this he did not want to save our relationship, he said that he was going to see the OW but I am almost 100% it will not lead to anything. I don't even think he really wants that now but I don't want to talk to him about it yet since I think it would only encourage him to continue the affair. I know it sounds stupid but he has really not been in a stable state of mind lately.

I have done the exposure I think I can do at the moment. I am going to expose to their colleagues but only if I know that the affair is still ongoing.

Will, talking to him about it will not encourage him to have an affair. People only have affairs if they choose to, not because someone has spoken about them. You will have to discuss it if you ever want to recover.

That being said, as long as they work together you can consider the affair ongoing. The affair won't end until contact ends and that won't happen until he or the OW leaves their job.

To whom have you exposed the affair?

I think you should start being HONEST with him about your thoughts. It is very dysfunctional to pretend there isn't a elephant in the middle of the room. Address him head on and ask him if his affair is over and if he will end all contact with the OW. Tell him that is the LEAST you will accept from him. If not, then go into Plan B.

MelodyLane: He does not want to end contact with OW and I know that it sounds stupid but I really think that he will look differently upon this a year from now. But if I go straight into plan B I think that our relationship is over forever.

You see, I was really terrible to him last summer and autumn. I was depressed, I accused him of all sorts of things and in the end he was also depressed and just wanted to run away from us. Why would he want to have that again?

But I think you are right that I should be honest with him. I will think about how to handle this with honesty instead. But I will still snoop around to see if everything adds up to what he tells me.