TM,


1. OM Is tell you're wife LIES! He's selling his reality to your wife .. and you're wife is buying it.

2. OMW is probably hurting just like you .. she's probably in the same boat - you have to realize that .. she's feels like "something is wrong" but just can't put her finger on it .. she has a gut feeling that "her husband is doing something sneaky" but just can't nail it down..

I'd bet you money -- that if you secretly contacted OMW .. and told her what you know .. she wouldn't be shocked ..she would probably take it as confirmation ..

Hi TM,
Sorry I've been absent lst couple of days but have been very busy.
Caught up with this thread and I'm sort of puzzled. Did you not say that OM and his W were in the process of D before this interaction between your W and he?

We talked a bit about your wife taking on the role of rescuer and so forth, but I don't think others have understood this sitch IMHO.

I still remain, somewhat curious as to why you feel the OM's soon to be XW would really care to bother herself with the sitch between your W and he. Was she not already D OM before your W came onto the scene or did I misinterperet this from your other thread?

I have been more concerned about your w's role as M counselor and confidant, than whether or not she was an impediment to OM's M. Errrrrrr,,,,, did I get this wrong??

If the above is true, I will have to go against the grain here, as, I don't think a women in the process of D that has nothing to do with with your W, would care one way or the other about the R that you think might exist. I could be wrong, but will accept all 2x4's if I am wrong.

Have you even brouched the subject of changing jobs as I suggested much earlier? I hope you have but I suspect you will meet a great deal of resistence along the way.

Stay strong, I will ride this out with you if you so choose.

All Blessings,
Jerry

IMO, OMW is not filing for divorce - it's just some crap he's telling WW .. that's just my 2cents.

Thanks ISM,
You are correct in that this whole thing could be a smoke screen.
TM, get in touch with OMW ASAP. You need to learn the truth about what is really going on. A predator, and it sounds to me that he is exactly that, will say and do anything to get what he wants, and in this case, as in mine, he wants your wife!!!!

Connect with her as soon as you can. She may indeed say, "What divource???"

TM, this is getting urgent, do you understand this??

ACT now and don't sit by the sidelines, else you will become ME!!!

All Blessings,
Jerry

thanks for the great responses and advice everyone.
To clarify what I have been told is the OM sitch.
They have had a rocky marriage for most of there M (under 3yrs) and have been to multiple MC. Just in the last couple of months though he has recieved correspondence from OMW lawyer, at least twice. One he showed it my wife when they worked late one night, and she told me about it. That was the first time I really freaked out and is what my first post was about. My w has told me that the other people that work there say they have had problems for a long time. She tells me that there may even be someone there that has contact with OMW, because somehow she knows of some things that go on there. I've contemplated useing this somehow.
But see I'm getting all of this from my W. So I dont know how deep in the fog she is. I have never known her to lie to me about anything.
I'm actively seeking more evidence, and once I get the cell records I have a better idea how to procede, it should be here today or tommorrow.
I want to contact now, but I feel like I need some more proof, its kinda like a one shot deal ya know, if I screw it up then I'm just sitting there with no more ammo or protection.

ST, yes I understand the urgency, trust me. I feel like my plan A is working, we had a great weekend. I think she is getting more comfortable that I am trusting her. If something is happening I feel this comfort zone will let something slip through. And I have suggested another job, but not for this reason lately. I dont think I could get her to it with out a major exposure nuke, or unless he did make an unwanted advance on her, and she tells me about it.

ISM, I think that I beleive the OM M is on the rocks, I just think that he is using that to scope out another victim(s). But I may be wrong.

Thanks again ML, and Pep, I have alot to process, need to plan this out, your advice has been a tremendous help.

I pray to God that I can do this...

I think I got a good phone # for omw, om is going to be out of town in a day or two, I think I will give it that much time to see what comes up before I call. Whats the best way to check and see if the number is still good and not give myself away. It shows up right in whitepages.com

I would like to meet omw but I dont think that would be possible.
God I wish this wasnt happening.

None of us wished this would happen to us either, but it did so now you have to move on and break this A up.

pick up the phone and dial *67 then dial the phone number and ask for MRS OM. If you try this a few times and "they" won't answer then move to a pay phone.

Meeting face to face is good, but not a must. You will need to give OMW a way to keep in touch with you also. If she sees anything or remembers something she should contact you.

You can do this.

when I call, I'm thinking when I call I may try to keep it anonymous but provide some of the detailed info that I know to see if she has any thoughts on the matter before I tell her who I am, just to have an out for the possiblity if she says she doesnt give a rats butt what he's doing.
I can do this, I just hope that something jumps out at me here real quick.
Does everyone think that DR. H would tell me to expose with what I've got?
I wanted to call in today but couldnt.

Don't be anonymous. It'll destroy any credibility you'll have in trying to tell her that you think her H is having an affair. Realize that the odds are high she's not going to want to believe it's possible to begin with, so don't give any excuse for her to not believe what you're telling her.

Just step up to the plate and tell her what you know, what you suspect, and ask for her help in trying to figure out what's going on. NOT rocket science.

Let me just put my two cents in and confirm that talking to the OMW in my scenario has put pressure on my WW's affair and they are now on the rocks.

Still having sex but on the rocks none the less by my WW's own admission.

It was a hard step for me to make but it definitely delivered results.

I talked to Dr. H on the radio today. It helped alot, he did recommend to expose to omw and looking for another job for her. OM is going to be out of town the rest of the week should I do it while he is gone.

I also talked to a Pastor that has delt with marriage issues and he recommended a man to man with OM. His reasoning was that if you go to omw, you get caught in the middle of their stress. On the surface with 2 honorable men this would be ideal. But I dont know how he would take it.

The had another convo that she told me about last night. More inappropiate stuff. She said that "I know you dont want me giving advice but I told him blah blah..."

This has got to stop, I just have to find the right way to do it.

I disagree. A 'man to man' with OM is almost always a bad idea. At BEST, he'll blow you off.

I had a "man to man" with OM in my situation. He refused to back off, refused to leave my wife alone, was insistent that she was a big girl and knew what she was doing. He was convinced that they were 'in love', and he wasn't going to tell her to stop contacting him. The conversation went downhill from there. Had this been an 'in person' confrontation, one of us would have likely ended up in jail, and one of us someplace worse.

If you confront OM head on, he'll likely lie his butt off to you. It also has the potential to become a physical situation...and if the cops get involved, they'll likely assume you set up the meeting with that in mind.

GO TALK WITH OMW! Get her on your side, helping you to work together to end the A. There's good reason why this is a recommended step. It gains you an ally most of the time. It HELPS you control the affair. It allows the OPS to get the chance to save their own marriage.

Think about all of this.

I agree that the man to man wouldnt be good. I would end up losing it.
I just tried to call omw, no one is home.
After I talk to omw should I tell my w? Should I keep my plan A? Should I prep a plan B? Do I expose to others (IL's)
Should I lay an ultimatum down to my W?
Basically what should my plan be after contact with omw?

I think my W knows like I didnt like there convo last night, I didnt try to gloss over it, but I didnt want to lb either. So I kinda just shrugged it off other than the question of "why do you think he kept looking out the door?" I cant believe she doesnt see that "he just didnt want anyone to hear what he had to say" is the same as he knows he is wrong and she is just falling for it.
She knows I'm not happy, but just expects me to deal with it.

what happened to ST's post?

Sorry TM, I crossed post to someone else, stupid me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />.

Therein lies the problem. This is a violation of POJA and Radical Ohnesty.

When your W puts these things above you and your M, then there is something seriously wrong with the state of your M.

That may mean the OM, or just how far you guys have let the M slide. I think Dr H feels like I do, in that, if the OM means nothing and you and your W ar still commited, why not change jobs and be done with him? Unfortuanately, I never saw this until it was too late. I trusted her so completely, untill, of course, she gave me his STD.!!!!!!!

I'm praying for ya TM. But atleast your more aware than I was as to what was happening.

All blessings,
Jerry

thanks everyone, thanks Jerry. I need all the prayers I can get.
did you catch to the show ST?
I liked talking to them, especially off air. I sound like a dope on tape though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Nope, I didn't, but I do recall you getting the best pro M advise possible, and it seems you have done just that.

Good for you!!!!!\\

All blessings,
Jerry

TM,

Did you try calling OMW again?

Congrats on the first attempt...making the decision to act from truth by sharing it.

Don't focus on getting your WW to see, know or recognize anything. Make sure YOU know it. That's Plan A...living in reality and bringing it.

Stay in Plan A...you're only now considering exposure, which is vital. How are you doing working on your eliminating your LB's?

You're not alone and you're not crazy.

LA

I agree that maintaining anonymity in your call to the OMW somehow lessens the credibility of the call.

However....

In my sitch, my wife's second PA was busted by an anonymous call to both the OMW and to me. I still don't know exactly who this person is, but I suspect they are a sys admin or other IT worker at the OM's company. He tracked email and calls -- even sent me notice of renewed contact months later.

When the OMW got the news from this source, she confronted her husband immediately. Based on my tip-off from this source, I called the OMW directly and introduced myself. She confirmed that her husband admitted to the affair. With this info, I was able to confront my wife with concrete proof.

I don't know the extent of your circumstantial evidence other than the conversations between OM and your wife, but I think a direct call to the OMW with full disclosure of who you are and your evidence is in order here.

You can do this -- it will be hard.

Fight for your marriage.

I havent been able to contact OMW yet. Dont know whats up, the number I have may not be any good. W and I have been doing ok. She still talks about OM and his D a good bit. I've been trying not to lb.

Last night though we were talking and it came up that I thought he was rude to me on the phone one day, he didnt know who I was. And the one time I met him he really didnt seem to personable, in a hurry. She asked me "so you dont really like him do you?" I just replied "well he didnt seem like anything special" I dont think she liked that, kinda clammed up. Then I told her that I didnt think he liked me by the way he was acting. She didnt want to talk about it anymore.
I know I'm not supposed to talk about or bring up the OM's problems and if she does I'm not supposed to make a big deal of it and try to move on, but its hard.

I dont know how to proceed now that I dont have a good contact info for omw. I did find out how to get a detailed phone record from my home phone.

There are some calls that I have question about. One is a call to his office number at 11:30p for 1 min. back in Dec. That just seems weird to me. There was a time for about a week that she had moved to another bedroom because she was pissed at me for not "paying attention" to her when she was trying to tell me about something she wanted. I wonder now if she was contacting him late at night on a calling card, I guess I'm letting my paranoia get to me.

I dont really know what I should do now. I have been talking about her getting another job and she pretty much sees through that. I have been looking around for her though.

I dont know.

what should I do if I cant contact OMW? I know where they live but I dont know when or if she will be there.