My bf and I have been together for 11 years. He is an OTR driver and I was in the truck with him for the first 7 years that we were together. I love him but I hated being in that truck, I finally got out of it 4 years ago. Since leaving the truck our lives have drifted apart. He was never faithful before I got in the truck with him....in fact he told me that the only way that he would ever be faithful was if a woman was in the truck with him 24/7....that was one of the reasons I went into the truck. Since I have left the truck he has continued to see other women and I have turned my head.

He became involved with a woman 9 months ago and fell in love with her. This hurt me more than anything else. On New Year's day this year I told him that I had enough....hoping he would realize how much he was hurting me and change his ways. He spent New Year's and the following 2 weeks with her. All he heard was that it was over and he thought that was what I wanted. His mail still comes to my house because we were practically living together. I opened his credit card statement at the end of Feb and found that he had spent Valentine's day with this woman and had spent almost $1600 on her and had spent 3 weeks with her....buying her intimate wear, taking her to dinner, paying for hotel rooms, evenings out, etc. When I found this...I blew up because he had started talking to me again being all lovey dovey while he was still seeing her.

He came and saw me the following week. Told me that he loved me, he would make arrangements to see me every 2 weeks, spend holidays and vacations with me, would not pursue other women. The only thing is that I have since found out that he did this because the other woman told him he was messing up with me because she felt like he still had feelings for me. He has also continued to see her but is hiding it from me. I've heard through friends that he loved her and had even talked about making a life with her.

My question is...do you really think he will change...can I save this relationship? What can I do...I dearly love this man and I am willing to do whatever I need to do to make it work.

The answer to your question is short and simple but probably not what you want to hear: Short of a near-death experience and a knock on the head from God Himself, no; it's incredibly unlikely.

Being on the road all the time is incredibly difficult at best. If you can't share in that lifestyle and be a significant part of it, the best you'll ever be able to be is that part-time but stable element he needs in his life and only once every two weeks. It's hard enough on marriage but remove the moral commitment and you have a nearly impossible task because it's a lot easier for some men to justify "cheating".

If you are truly willing to do whatever you need to do to make it work, I suggest going back into the truck and maybe even earning your own CDL (if you don't already have one) so you can do some of the OTR driving. You'd make one heck of a team but on the other hand if you hate that lifestyle, you'll have to give that serious thought. Alternatively, find a way to convince him to change careers and live/work locally.

I wish you the best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rob

PS: Opening his mail, even when it comes to your house, is a federal offense and could get you in serious trouble. Just a heads-up.

The thing I don't understand is that he continues to tell me that he wants to be with me and he is following through with what he said he would do with the exception that he is sontinuing to see this other woman(and lying to me about it). i can't and won't go back out on the road with him. I did go out and met him on the road one night this week but he was unable to function sexually with me...we actually haven't had sex since we got back together 2 weeks ago. Anymore insight?

Somehow I kept overlooking that he is in love with another woman at the same time. You didn't mention whether you have any children, so I'm working under that assumption. I know the position you're in has to be painful because you know he has to make a choice but you're afraid of losing him if he does. If we are in agreement that he can't have both you and the other woman in his life then it comes to that; if he loves you and wants you in his life, he has to be willing to give you the exclusive right to his affection and sexual activities.

Unfortunately, you and I both know how the story will end if you give him that ultimatum. You don't want to go back on the road and no one can blame you for that. If he can't or won't settle down and live and work locally, you can hope for the status quo at best- two or more women in his life with you being one of them.

I'm not a fan of polygamy or polyamory so I'm not pretend that is a potential solution but it is the situation you're in right now. Clearly, you don't like it either.

If you don't already have one, grab a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" in a bookstore or library (I'm sure you can also order it through this site and/or Amazon). If you look at the situation you're in as being comparable to a married couple and the relationship with the other woman as an affair, it will give you insight into what you're feeling and why. If he's willing to read it as well and go over the inventories in the back, you have a starting point from which to correct your current situation.

If he's not willing to change, you're not willing to go back on the road and you don't like the status quo, the only advice I can give you is to take the difficult step of giving him the ultimatum and getting on with your life. You and the other woman both deserve better than this.

Best wishes,

Rob