Mel:

Please note:

It's intelius.com Only one L

$19 bucks to look up all the info you want for 24 hours.

And go to carfax.com with the VIN number. It will tell you if it transferred and the date, but not a name of who got it.

BIC, search her purse and car for a secret cell phone. Can you check her cell phone bills online?

Tried all the sites (itelus, usearch, etc.), at least for the cell number. I'm going to go back through phone records as suggested, hire a PI.

BIC, I am not getting your point here. Can you expand?

mel,

I can check her bills online, that's how I got the information to begin with. Her paper bill does not have call detail. I have searched for a secret cell phone, none found.

I have been working a plan A, and she may have thought I gave up looking for evidence.

Finding the OM is the key to killing this A. Because it is so secretive and she hasn't done the usual WS running to OP's arms, OM is MOST LIKELY MARRIED. If you can expose to his wife and his family, he will probably want nothing to do with your WW anymore. If he works with your WW, they will need to switch companies for it to ever stop. Spend the bucks on a PI. It is WELL worth the investment. A ****** of a lot cheaper than a divorce. I would try and wait on exposure until you gather all your evidence.

BIC

***note: don't tell your WW about this place (MB). This is your place for help and if she finds out about it then it will make it MUCH harder for you to recover.***

mb2l,

She know's that I have sought support through web sites, but not specific ones. I use my work computer for everything, so she can't easily get into history to find out where I'm visiting.

As an update, I contacted a PI firm this morning. Going to give them everything I have, and let them do the heavy lifting on getting the goods.

Although my discussion with WW last night was respectful, calm and without anger, I'm thinking I jumped (again) when I should have waited. She's shut down again today.

I don't think she's interested anyway, she acts like it's all bs.

Yes, my WS still does that. Just know that until they're over the affair, past the addiction, withdral and going into revovery, you're dealing with an alien who is living in your spouses' body <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BIC

You have listed DDay #2 as today. What happened?

Broken, seems like a lot of trouble to go through to prove something you already know. I've done all the investigative work and come up with one conclusion- my GUT is never wrong. Everything I've suspected has turned out to be reality, and now I trust my "womanly" instincts more than anything. My H will deny hard evidence, cry, plead insanity, WHATEVER. How do you live with a liar and a CHEAT? Forever looking over your shoulder? Doesn't sound pleasant to me, and it is the question I struggle with every day. I know this is a cop-out statement, but "if it weren't for the kids..." is the statement of the year in my case.

mb2l,

Haven't really been snooping for the last couple of months because WW seemed sincere about NC, and I felt that things were improving. Did taxes last week, and in checking W2 against WW's paystubs, noticed that she hadn't brought home her paystubs since 2nd week of January (this only started about the same time A started). Her paystubs show her punch in/punch out times, so if she's doing anything during the work day, it would show up.

This led me to checking emails from her, and there's a pattern where WW emails to say hi, then I get no reply to my return until an hour or two later. Like she's checking if I'm at work. After that, I checked her phone bill and found calls to OM. Like I said, not many, but there they are.

confused,

Your right!! And maybe it's not worth it, but I just can't help hoping that somehow, someway, I can get her to wake up. We had a positively wonderful relationship for a long time, and she's never voiced any complaints about me. I struggle with not wanting to give up on the relationship.

I can understand not wanting to give up, too. I guess I've just given him SOOOOO many chances that in my case, I'm all out of chances. And I have yet to discover a P-A. It's truely just all the lies and denial of feelings that I'm frustrated with. When he swears he never had a PA, I really don't believe b/c my instinct is telling me "if his lips are moving, he's lying"

Anyway, I still have a place for him somewhere deep down inside and that, along with our beautiful children is why I'm still here. I just find it harder every day b/c I can't let my guard down. I'm sure you feel the same way.

If you discover a way to convince her that honesty is the best policy, let me know. I have yet to get that through to my H. He agrees that what he DID was wrong, but still finds a way to justify all the lies. I think it has a lot to do with how you were brought up and what kind of value your family put on honesty...Anyway, keep me up-dated.

confused,

The fog is real thick!! Sometimes I step back in amazement that no matter what I throw out there, when WW does admit to something it all seems to come back on me (she was done with him, but I pushed her back with my anger, bla bla bla), umm, it was still her choice!! And, if you play with fire, expect to get burned..

Like I said earlier, my WW lives in a state of denial, and often times doesn't even see the nonsense she's spewing. When I asked her last night to just tell me who OM is, she says she doesn't know. I say "have you thought about what your saying? You chase and have sxx with men you don't even know?" She looked at me like I had 3 eyes. I don't know, like they say,,, fog..

Do you know she's had sex with OM (or anyone besides you)?

Reading this thread, it seemed to me you were looking for proof of the affair. If you don't KNOW this...don't ACCUSE her of it! This is NOT plan A!

I'm not saying she's not having an affair...don't take me wrong. What I'm saying is don't make comments like this unless you've got the proof to back them up.

Now...back on the rest of this...she says she doesn't know who OM is? OK...so, more specifically...ask her point blank what the name of the man she's been calling is. Ask "Who's phone number is this?" while pointing at it on the bill.

And when she says "I don't know"...call her on it. Tell her to stop lying, act like an adult, and start talking like an adult. Make it clear that you know she's lying, that it's impossible that she "doesn't know", and that you won't accept that as answer from her. PERIOD

My wife tried this kind of tactic for a very short time...I simply didn't let the tactic work. Make it clear that unless she's brain damaged (and you don't see any trauma from a car accident), that its obvious that she's lying. And make it clear to her that you're NOT going to give up until the truth is out.

Just my thought...not completely MB-specific advice for you.

Owl,

The only thing I don't know is what his full name is, where he lives, that sort of stuff. No, I don't have concrete proof like pictures or video, but I know the times she's been with him when I was out of town on business (she wasn't very good at covering those tracks), and then she stayed out all night back in October, came home the next morning and told me she slept with him "because I accused her of it". Personally, I believe she was at a friends house and it was her strange way of admitting it was going on.

I have done that (phone bill in hand, pointing to number). Gave up last night and hired a PI this morning. Starting with name, address, background check. She knows that if she confirms that this is someone she works with, that I will make her leave that employer. She doesn't want to do that. The A has been an on again off again thing since I discovered it, and her working with him would explain her mdifficulty in breaking it off completely.

BIC, when you get the info, come back here and talk to us so we can help your strategize. Don't talk to anyone until we help you develop a plan. You will need his name, phone #, addrss, where he works and marital status. His parents names and phone #s would be very helpful too.