Hi everyone, I'm new on here but I feel this is a good place to be and a good place to discuss relationship problems and to help each other out. I'm in search of suggestion though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and are very much in love. But I cheated on him twice in the same year with the same guy.. and I lied to him about this guy and broke my promises to him for this guy. And yes I am in love with my boyfriend. I know my action doesn't sound loving to my boyfriend. Anyway I regret for what I did and my boyfriend is willing to give me one more chance to fix our relationship. He wanted me to show him the change of my behavioral pattern. I tend to lie to him when he doesn't approve of me doing something, which is how I ended up cheating on him with another guy (well I didn't ask him for approve of sleeping with another guy.. it was more complicated than that.) He wanted me to show action that proves to him that I will not lie or cheat on him again in the future for things that I want to do yet he doesn't approve of, and that I will consider his feelings whenever and whatever I do. He said he would not believe any word I say because, it's true that I have pretty much said everything I could in the past year when he first found out me cheating on him with that guy. And then I did it again. (I hate myself for doing what i did and hurting him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> but i really am running out of ideas what I could do to show him with action that I will not be selfish and just think about my own feelings and desire, and do whatever I want to do regardless of his feelings again. I read articles suggesting wayward spouses to create opportunities for themselves to show their trustworthiness (ex. be on time, do small things that they offer, volunteer or agree to do...) and to build trust back, but I don't know how I can set up something that's I want to do and that he doesn't approve of... and even if I could set up something like that, I don't know how I can prove to him that when I say I won't do it since he doesnt' like it, i really won't do it instead of lying to him and going behind his back to do it. I'm pulling my hair out searching for actions that can show my love, my resolution and my non-verbal promise that I have really changed and that I will not go behind his back and hurt him like that again.
I consider us in recovery stage although it's not a sure thing yet if he will come back in this relationship or not.. we have been talking everyday even though it was very difficult and very stessful to both of us. But we both are hanging in there, hoping things will really work out since we still love each other very much.
I would really appreciate it if anyone could read through this and possibly give me some suggestion or even just discuss it with me... because I really do need more perspectives and opinions. Please feel free to ask question or ask for clarification if any of what I said is confusing..- and sorry about being confusing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thanks so much!!!

How about answering every question he has, without hesitation, without omissions, without anger or defensiness.

Yes I've been doing that... but the thing is he doesn't believe anything I say anymore.. he wants action. He has a point because I could say one thing and do another behind his back.. which is what I did when I was cheating on him with the other guy... My boyfriend considers this my behavioral pattern and he needs proof from my action to show him that my behavioral pattern has changed...
So to my boyfriend, words really don't mean anything anymore... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />(((( But then what kind of action I should or I could take to show him that my behavioral pattern really has changed...? *sobbing*

For starters, you need to have absolutely NO CONTACT with the other guy FOR LIFE. Take steps to ensure that even a chance meeting with him will not occur, update him on your whereabouts, give him access to your email accounts, mobile phone etc when he wants to check. This may sound like you're reporting to a parole officer, but this is what you need to do if you want to "show" him how serious you are about winning his trust back. He's been hurt very badly (twice) and you will never understand how that feels till it happens to you.

And STOP lying to him about anything!

Its good you have realized your mistake and is willing to take steps in the correct direction. But it will take time and lots of patience to pull your relationship out of the gutter. Keep posting!

Hey Sorry,
Welcome! Im new here also and its a great place to be given your circumstances! I think your first big step would be to get real with yourself. I know in my own recovery and growth from my A was and is to understand why I was unfaithful. What was I thinking? What was I looking for? Why was it I couldnt find it within myself? Why I justified my actions at the time? Those types of questions. After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring is an great book for helping you discover some of the possible answers, but its key and I cant say that enough,...its key that you understand that you are 100% responsible for your actions and the choices you made. You life is yours and so are your choices.

I think you have a lot of work to do, and understand that its not going to be an easy, quick fix. But realize that its not just the trust that your rebuilding,...its your charactor as well.

Honesty is so freeing,...no he may like everything your honest about, but that is his stuff to work out. Not that you shouldnt help support him in it, but in time and healing he will need to learn to accept your honesty and not attack you for it. Im guessing that honesty is hard for you because you dont want to let anyone down. But by lying, youre only failing yourself and your worth so much more than that!

Stay strong, do the hard work you need to do, and love yourself with integrity(all these things will show him). There are so so many wonderful people here. I think youll be glad you found MB.

Blessing to you!

SorryBets, what would you do if he were your SON and asked you what he should do? Would you tell him that you were good marriage material?

SB, love is never enough to build a good marriage. A person who lies and cheats is simply not good marriage material. It would not be in his best interest to marry you and have children with you since he can't trust you. Marrying someone that can't be trusted would be insane. He would be setting himself for a lifetime of this, only he would be legally obligated to you. Not to mention dragging innocent children into this mess. That would a CRIME. Its one thing to date someone who is untrustworthy, but outrageous to knowingly inflict that on innocent children.

Dating is supposed to be a JOB INTERVIEW for marriage. If the job interview fails, then he should move on to a more suitable candidate. Lying and cheating in a job interview is always a knock out factor.

For yourself, I would suggest getting counseling to find out why you lie and cheat and resolve to improve your character. Don't date anyone until you get your issues straightened out, because it would not be fair to inflict this on someone else. Then, once you have demonstrated that you are trustworthy, start dating someone new so there is no baggage, bad history. In other words, start over with someone who won't resent and hate you for your past. That is no way to start a marriage.

He already had my phone bill and account. But he doesn't trust my email accounts that he thinks I "claim" to give him because he thinks I can always hide email accounts that I don't want him to know away from him. Again, he thinks my behavioral pattern is to lie to him, say one thing and do another behind his back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know my situation is very bad. But I don't care. If he gives me a chance to fix it, I'm taking the chance. He told me that despite of all the emotional distress, he still would rather we work it out than he go dating another woman. If that's his attitude, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix this relationship no matter how difficult it is.

Hi Trigirl, thanks for the reply. I hope we can communicate more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> When you say "I know in my own recovery and growth from my A was and is to understand why I was unfaithful. What was I thinking? What was I looking for? Why was it I couldnt find it within myself? Why I justified my actions at the time? Those types of questions." I 100% agree with you. But I do wonder if you eventually figured out the answers to those questions and if you did, do you mind sharing them with me...? If you don't feel comfortable revealing it on the board, maybe we can exchange email...? Anyway, thanks so much! Wish you all the best!

My standard opinion about pre-marriage cheating is this:

end the relationship 100% (unless there is a child, in that case, co-parent, but do not date)

do not begin any romantic relationship with another person for a year

then begin dating whoever appears to be good marriage material (the first cheater if they have grown spiritually and emotionally, or someone new)

Pep

I have found my answers and still continue to struggle with some of them. When I first started digging I have to admit I thought the answers would lie somewhere other than where they actually were. They were all with me,....my issues, my struggles,my emptiness, my insecurities, my choices. And it was/is very hard and painful to look at. I thought they would mostly lay at my BH feet. I had to look back at my childhood and discover some not so nice things that have contributed to why I didnt and still dont sometimes feel "good enough" as I am. Of course throwing infidelity on top of it all has made it even harder.

I relied so much on my H to make me happy, to fill me up, make me whole. I lied and manipulated a lot, because the way I really felt about myself hurt too much to face and deal with. I manipulated and lied to myself and so when we started MC, and was told I needed to stop manipualting, I had no idea when I was even doing it because I had been doing it for so long(most of my life). I actually had to look up manipulation in the dictionary to get a clearer take on it.

I wanted to feel loved and accepted. I didnt love or accept myself, how was I gonna feel anyone else did? So now I work on loving myself and doing the right things so I do feel good enough.

I justified my A because I felt I had sacrafised enough as a stay at home mom with no life and I deserved to be happy. I had told my H too many times how unhappy I was and he wasnt doing anything about it. Well hello,...I was the one who needed to do something about it, but felt guilty for doing anything for myself, because I didnt feel I was good enough. It all ties in together.

How long have you and your BF been together? How is he doing? It is hard and very painful on both ends. I cant encourage you enough to take some time and really be honest with yourself about your own answers to these questions.

Honesty is huge,...Its scary at first but its gets easier the more you use it.

Blessings!

Hi Trigirl, sorry it took me so long to reply. Thanks for the message. I'm glad to hear that you have found your answers. I've realized recently that I might not be feeling comfortable with myself and who I am although I thought I did all along. It's scary to reveal to myself that maybe I've been lying to myself and making seemingly acceptable excuses to do things I wanted to do even though at the back of my mind I knew that wouldn't be approved by others. The thing is I actually believed in those excuses and didn't think they were only made up by myself to justify my wrong behavior to avoid guilt. I find this finding very scary. I don't know if there is anything else I've been lying to myself about all my life. Is my value system real? Or is it a made-up one that I just could conveniently use to justify my behavior? Is what I wanted really what I wanted? I'm now in process of getting to know the real me. And it's painful to admit things that I can't believe that is the real reason for why I did what I did.
My BF and I have been together for 2.5 years. As you said, it's very hard and painful for both of us. The worse part is that we live in different cities so we don't get to see or touch each other daily. We talk everyday... subjects are always difficult. I'm trying to create more opportunity to get together with him in person. It almost killed me when I heard him cry on phone when he was reminded of some of the worst parts of my behavior. I wish there were a quick fix so he doesn't have to suffer so much. Sometimes I wonder if it was less selfish to just let him go... without inflicting all these pain in him... I don't know. But I know he wants us to work things out, and I will not give up as long as there's least bit hope.

Sorry,...
I also wonder if I should unselfishly just let him go,...but I also know that that isnt going to make the pain go away for either of us. We have 3 little girls and so much history. I also know that he can/will just stay in this marriage even if he's unhappy. So its hard to know what the right thing to do is, ecspecailly when the pain is at an intense level. I still have a lot of self work to do, and dispite the work I have done to show my H that it is him that I love, that I want our marriage to work and that I take 100% full responiblilty for my A, he just wont let me in. Im just hanging in there, doing what I can, when I can and hopefully with the grace of God he will come around.

I can tell you from a similar experience,...although I had ended the relationship and was not unfaithful. The timings of the 2 relationships were just very close. And yes one of them was with my H. It took him 8yrs to "forgive" me for being with another man sexually. So if its gonna require either of you to serve a long sentence then I would say end it. I say give it a go,...he may be able to recover faster where there isnt a long history and no children, I believe my H has pocession issues. Maybe just taking some time aprt for awhile. But NEVER stop working on yourself, because you will need to be ok and whole as a person to continue this relationship or if the day comes that you start another.

Sorry its taken a while to respond back,...was just taking a few days to sort my own thoughts out. Hope youre both doing well.

Blessing!

Wow Trigirls,I am a FWW and have discovered some of the same exact things about myself!And man is it scary realization!But I believe things happen for a reason,and despite all of the hurt,at least I have learned something and grown from this experience!I am also working on being happy within and not needing someone else to be happy!The Lord works in mysterious ways!