As usual I'm at a loss for what to do. H and I had long discussion the other night that I would not tolerate her calling my house. To me it is so disrespectful of my feelings. When I'm there she hangs up. I know he knows how badly this hurts me. It seems to be getting worse. At first I promised myself I would not *69 the phone but it seems I just can't help it. She has called for the past 3 nights in a row. It's always when I'm not there. He also saw OW yesterday where we do our banking as she works there. My daughter said "Look what so and so gave to me," It was candy and alot of it. She said "she's so nice". God, at that moment I was so pissed, but I didn't show it. My H has been very good to me lately. Showing me small amounts of affection and coming back to the relationship at least a little bit. He must have known as my demeanor changed immediately. I got very quiet and went downstairs to eat as I had just gotten home from work. He came down and wouldn't leave my side. I did mention to him that although I'm sure she was doing it just to be nice, these were MY children and I would be damned it I would allow her into any aspect of their lives. Trying to get into their good graces would not sit well with me at all. Again, he said it wasn't like that. I've been patient, letting him have his space, I've been loving and attentive. When do you say enough is enough? Do I need to go to her place of business and confront her? Tell her to stop calling my home. God, what does she think she is doing? Tell me what kind of a woman does that? Please help anybody, I really don't have any ideas left and I'm getting tired of this. Thanks

How about changing your phone number to an unlisted number. I know you don't want to make anymore changes in your life than you already have. But changing the phone number would be first on my list and your husband should have no problem with it, since he is trying to work things out with you.

If it is an option I would change banks and let the manager know why.<P>Being able to block calls is one good idea. Another way to use the phone features is to get "ringmate" for about the same cost as caller ID. Ringmate gives you another number on the same line, but with a unique ring. In addition if you want it listed you have to pay, so no problem there. It's the cheapest way to get an unlisted number.<P>The advantages are manyfold:<P>#1 You only give this number to those people who you want to take calls from. After a while all your friends and relatives will have this number.<P>#2 OW will never get this number unless your husband gives it to her.<P>#3 All those annoying calls from salespersons will be on the listed number.<P>#4 You can still answer the original number if you so choose.

Dear Cherub,<P>Has your H written the OW a closure, it's over letter? If so,maybe you would like to follow it with one of your own. Something along these lines.....<P>Dear OW,<P>Since your relationship with my H has come to my attention, I have been doing a lot of research on the subject. My H and I have agreed to stay together and improve our relationship and as a result he will no longer be in need of your services. I am fully capable of taking over from now on, and intend to meet his needs in such a way that he will never again doubt my love. And rest assured, there IS LOVE in this home. You, in the meantime, can consider yourself free to focus on recovery from your obvious addiction. From my readings about affairs I am fully aware of the withdrawal you are experiencing and know it must be very difficult to let go of the fantasy world you invented with my Husband. Addictions are very hard to overcome, but I am sure you realize by this time that it is time for you to recover. I am sure my husband will always remember fondly your times together,but you must know that the memories are all that is left now. I wish you the best in your recovery and hope that someday you find someone to love and be loved by who is legitimately free for a relationship with you.<P>Sincerely,<BR>Cherub<P>What'd ya think? Does she have enough "cents" to get the point? (Play on words intended.)<P>If Hubby has not sent a letter to her, now might be a good time you insisted that he do such, and YOU be the one to mail it. After, of course, you have read and approved it!<P>Then, you might see if it is necessary to follow up with a letter of your own.<P><BR>Good Luck<P>Beth<BR>

I am having the same problem. I changed my number to an unlisted line and that worked for a very short time. Now I am trying call blocking. So long as the number is within the calling area of your phone company you can block up to six numbers. I have blocked both her home phone and her cell phone. There is a way around the system but I will not say what it is. It will cost the caller to get around it. The OW used it once and she undoubtedly found out she was being blocked. She also likes to call and hang up I decided I was tierd of *69 so I don't know if it will help but it is an idea.<BR>pw

Cherub, it happened to me. In our case changing the phone # didn't really work, because they worked together and she would be able to get it anyway.<BR>For the first months she was paging him as much as 23 times a day. actually the more he was stayiig with us, the more she would page. When things started getting better, in October, she would page every 5 minutes. In November he finally gave me the pager. But almost right after that got a cell from work. Of course she knew that number as well. It used to upset me a lot, specially when he would get home in the morning ( was working nights ) and as soon as he would get in bed, the cell phone would ring. <BR> I told him that if she really had any need to call ( that was job related ) I would rahter that she called our home number instead of the cell, because the home # meant she knew she was calling our house ( our family number ) and the cell meant she was calling him privatly.<BR>By this time although things were starting to get better he would still tell me that he wasn't calling her, but if she did call him he would answer. However since I was seing some good signs of recovery, Idecided to just give it some time, and see where it would go. <BR>Well he wasn't calling, she started to get the message, and her calls became more sporadic. By the end, in February he was answering the phone, but getting irritated by her calls, untill she finally got it. No more calls ever since.<BR>That was my experience. I tried not to attach too much importance into those calls as long as I was seing him give our marriage a chance, because I know that one of her tricks ws to try to get me upset enough to LB, so I let her do it instead. It worked great. The less attention he was paying to her calls, the less attention I was paying to her calls, the more she was love busting.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi Everyone<BR>Thanks for all the great ideas. I thought they were all very good and informative. The letter to OW was especially good and I may use it in the future. Unfortunately I had great big love bust last night and told him that I knew about the phone calls 3 nights in a row. I know I shouldn't have done it in anger but I did. H tried to act like he didn't know what I was talking about and then he got mad. He said "Aren't you just the super sleuth? I bet you think your so smart, I"m sure your laughing!" Which was hardly the case which I promptly told him that I didn't think it was funny and went into my room and didn't come out. I was so mad that he is letting it go on and then acting surprised when I confronted him about it. I didn't mention anything about writing a letter to OW as I'm not sure that's what he wants to do. I don't know if he is being nice to me to alleviate his guilt or if it's because he really wants to have a relationship with me. I think that's what makes me so mad. <BR>When he left to go out tonite he had his ring on and he came up to me before leaving and kissed me hard on the lips and on the forehead. What does this all mean. The signals are confusing and I've lost my mind.Why can't he tell her to stop? Does he feel bad for her? Why doesn't he feel bad for me and see what this kind of crap does to me. She may be a victim too but she needs to get a life and stop getting into mine. Is this something I'm going to have to take into my own hands? Thanks Guys.<BR>PS Sorry I haven't posted before now I can't do it with H around as he doesn't know that I post in here and I don't want him around when I do.<BR>

Wouldn't it be nice if you could get your H to join with you in recording a new greeting on the answering machine?<P>Something along the lines of:<P> "Hi! You have reached the loving home of Cherub34 and H. We're awfully busy right now, so leave your name and number; and, as soon as we get our clothes back on, we'll call you right back!" <P>Can you tell that I'm feelin' wicked tonight???

Good One Sweetpea-Maybe we'll try it. LOL

Cherub34: I know this sounds bad, but too bad the OW is not like me because my mode of thinking is to "use them and lose them." I never had any desire to contact the OM wives or children because I knew how it felt to be harrassed. When my spouse had his girlfriends, they would call or visit my house when I was not home. One "B" even went so far as to tell my children one day they were out playing, that I was a bad mother because I worked and went to school and had no time for them. I became so angry that I was going to her place of employment(ironic huh?) to kick her a**. However, a so-called friend held me back using the excuse that I would be arrested for assault. At that time I did not care. I tried to tell my spouse what happened, but like some folks, he didn't get it. Until one day, he caught her making ugly faces at my 3 year old. This is an adult woman (go figure).<BR>These women who keep calling have one thing on their minds. They want what you have and they want it now. Somewhere during the affair, either they were led to believe or got it into their own heads that this relationship was permanent. Anyway, it should be your spouse or SO to tell the OW/OM that it is definitely over! Short of slugging them in the face, they won't believe you (the wife/husband)that you and your spouse are working things out and you truly love each other. To them, you are an obstacle and/or barrier that can be eliminated. Until they hear it from the horse's mouth, they won't get it. I also realize each situation is different so do what works for you. Good Luck! From a former OW.

Dear Cherub:<BR>Why is your husband still talking to her??? First of all, change banks! You and your husband don't need to go to that bank anymore. This way he doesn't have to have an excuse to go and see her. Second, call the phone company and put a block on your phone from the number that she is calling from. The message will say something like: The @#$#% you have called is not accepting your phone call. I guess depends where you live, the phone company should have something similar. Third, your husband needs to put a stop to this. Obviously, if she is still calling him, he is still talking to her. Read my post, "What I did to the OW". This will give you some idea as to what I am not standing for and you shouldn't either. If he wants to work on your marriage with you, he needs to put an end to it with her and tell her to stop calling. He is playing ball with both of you. You need to put your foot down or he'll just keep on doing what he is doing and nothing will change. Demand some action from him and tell him you will be taking some action also. You can also press charges for harrassment by her calling you all the time and hanging up. Hope this helps.

Katya you are definately right on that one. I will tell you that this time I did not talk to my husband for 2 days after confronting him on the phone calls. I really wanted him to wonder what the hell was going to happen for a change instead of thinking that I was going to put up with that crap, I felt he needed a little time to himself to think about what a sh** he was being. Sometimes the silence is worse than the talking. The scary thing is I really felt better about myself after that. I was so mad and I'm not that kind of person anymore. I am a very loving and caring individual who believes in telling people how I feel about them including H. When I finally did go up to him, he kissed me so hard and held my hand so tight. He was very good to me this weekend. I think maybe? he realized that I really could lose my love for him if he wasn't going to respect my wishes for her not to call here. Today, I could feel him pull back, found an empty envelope in the garbage, can't find what was in it. I think he went to bank today. You are right on that too Katya, I will change banks and I will do it myself. She doesn't know who she's dealing with here. I will also tell my H to take care of business or there will be consequences. I love H but will not continue to be made of fool of. <BR>Sobeit: I will read your article. Sorry I didn't catch it first time around. Thanks for your advice. I pretty much know that she will not stop. My first clue is that she is calling my home.That takes alot of balls. I'd really like to just reach across the phone and smack her. That part will end because I will make it end. My H knows now that I'm with him of free will, not because I have to stay. I really don't feel that I have to do anything anymore that I don't want to. I stay because it is the right thing to do, because I love him, but now I know he knows about crossing certain lines with me that he didn't know before, This time I didn't talk to him for 2 days, who knows what will happen the next time he crosses that line. Maybe I'm thinking he doesn't want to know.