(((SADMO)))
Hey chickie!
Just for you, I did a search for this song -have a listen, maybe it will give you a giggle (and watch the video too if you can!)


You are doing just fine. Keep your chin up. Let us know what the attorney says. OH, ask if you can change the locks on your home since he has another residence.
And yes, you can certainly plan B while Plan D'ing.

Soooo.. how'd things go with the lawyer???

So I called the lawyer today. I could not get in until Wed. But that is fine. I did not get anxious, upset, sad, nothing. So far so good.

I had to call MIL to see if she could watch the kids for me Wed. WH was supposed to pick them up after work. I do not want him near, or in my house any longer. He can meet me halfway, or not at all. She asked for what, I told her, she apologized for her son, said I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he will regret it. It made me happy to hear that.

Meanwhile, back at the evil castle, the 'wicked wayward of the midwest' (that would be my WH) called my cell phone. He left a voice mail. He wants us to talk. He feels bad about what happened, and he just wants to explain to me why it happened... please call him. We need to be there for our kids. WE????? Who has them 90% of the time? Who called the cops in FRONT of the kids? Oh, yeah, WWOTW. Not me. He said, "PLEASE, call me. If you call and I am not home, call my cell phone."

So I QUICKLY picked up my phone and called him.... NOT!!!!!
A week ago, I would have. Nope. I am worth more than his games. So I deleted the message, and hung out with my family tonight.

I come home. A new message on the house phone. Imploring me to call him so that we can 'talk'. He just wants to tell me why he did what he did. He is willing to talk to me, as long as I do not pin him down to talk to me. Ooooookkkkkk......All of those times I called him, asking, begging, pleading, crying, talking to him, asking him to talk to me, he had nothing to say. NOW HE DOES??? He then says, "please, please call me back. We need to get along one way or another for our kids sakes. Please call me." Then he throws in his little a-hole veiled threat, "you can't not let me call my kids to tell them goodnight. This has got to stop. I just want to talk to my kids and tell them I love them. Please tell them for me." This is from the guy that would not call them for DAYS. The 'most important things in his life". He would go days not calling them. Now I am keeping him from them.

So I again, rushed to the phone to call him back.... NOPE.

So he decided that he is going to push me this far, he is going to start a R with another W, he is going to act like I OWE him a friendship, because we have kids???? NO, I owe him nothing. I told him from the get go. If a D is filed that is IT. The friendship will be over, it will just be business. He actually cried about that. Now he is trying to sound all sincere, and suck me into a conversation with him in which he thinks he has control over me.

NOT A CHANCE. I will not do it. I am actually almost glad that he called the police. It gave me a reason to get mad at him again. To see his true cowardly colors. And I know what I have to do now. I have to take care of me, and my girls. I have to make a good home for all of us. It will be hard, but I am strong. I can do it. I do not need him, or his games anymore.

Wow. Two firsts happened today: I did not collapse because he called, and the little shimmer of hope did not emerge. And the other thing. He called me after one of his A-hole routines to try to talk. He feels bad. This has never been done before.WOW.

But, in the wise words of my friend, I need to answer the phone ONLY at night if it is around the time he would call, when he remembered to, to tell the girls goodnight. If he tries to talk, I am to cut him off with, "Oh, does this concern the girls?" If he says no, I am to say, "Well, do you want to talk to them? If not, I am going to hang up."
It seems like a good plan.

As I said. I have been in a great place, emotionally, spiritually. I do NOT want to mess that up ever again. I have said all that I need to say to him, and he has conveyed what needed to be said to me. Now let the lawyers talk. For once, I am quiet towards him. For once, I am at peace. It will be over soon. Then I will have peace in me about what is going on. And he will be left floundering, a lost soul. But my purpose in life is not to direct him. It is now to be a good mother. And I am going to be the best one that I can be.

Alleluia!

YOU GO GIRL!

I hear you, it's like sitting in church and you know you heard the truth!

You get teh Classy award today too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Striven-
Thanks!

I LIKE to think of myself as classy!

And you know what happened to help me today? I was feeling a little out of it, and this one person that works for the company I work for, someone I met YEARS ago came up to me and told me, "You know, when I saw you at the dinner the other day, I thought to myself THAT IS SADMO?" You look GOOD! You are glowing, whatever you are doing for yourself, keep doing it!"

I thanked him and said, "Oh, I am just turning over a new leaf!" He said, "well, I just wanted to tell you that."

It was GREAT. He was not hitting on me at all, it was just like he wanted to tell me that... and that is what made me feel so good.

I will admit, it helped my mood!

Mojo- OMG, that video is SO FUNNY! It DID bring a smile to my face!
My one friend is changing the locks tomorrow. I made the foolish mistake last week of giving him a key. So now they will have to be changed.. again. That is ok though. I really do not see him coming here. It is just for my piece of mind.

FIL-
The peace that I feel today may last forever, for a week, a month... I do not know. All I know is that I have been working REAL hard to get here. And I feel like I have arrived! You will too!

So I debated.... call him at work to tell him where the kids are going to be tomorrow, or at home, while he is at work? In both instances, he would not be able to talk.

So I weighed it. And I realized, I do not even want to hear his voice. I do not want to hear anything that he has to say.

So I called his house, left him a message:"Hello, I was just calling to let you know that the kids will be at your mom's house tomorrow when you get off of work. You can get them from there. I will meet you at this location at 8 to get the kids from you. Bye."

No mention of anything else.

This is how it has to be. For me, for me to maintain calm and order in my life.

Whew. I did not cave in and call him, just for a reason to talk. I am so proud of myself!!

Well, Looks like a celebration is in order! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sexy, classy Sadmo! watch out world...she comin' up...give her a little time... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

yeap, I would have loved the info from him too! Good to KNOW! LMAO

Just for you, my dear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Let the Goddress come out today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Fabulous Sadmo. Just fabulous.

Sadmo, I haven't followed your sitch as much as others, but I do have one questions...

Do you really want a D? Are you absolutely sure? Can you get an LSA and Plan B him, first? Plan D is a HUGE decision which you may want to make with a much clearer mind; maybe MONTHS clearer.

I think you are doing a very good job, and I read how Plan A has been for you. Much of the back and forth happened with me too. Your sitch is not much different than many here. My WH had two physical affairs, said that he wanted to stand on his own two feet, blah blah, so much the same as your WH.

If you are prepared for what D does to a family, truly prepared, then I say go for it. If you are NOT, then I say take some time to be. Do not use a D as a weapon. Use it as the beginning of a new life without hopes of recovery.

Don't get me wrong, you have every RIGHT to go for the D, it just all sounds very emotionally based, anger based. It's always good to KNOW the law and what you can go for by meeting with legal counsel. Prepare for battle, so to speak. I'm all for that. I have an LSA, went out the week after WH left to get the ball rolling.

As long as you are sure that you want this marriage to end, then I'm behind you all the way...

Sadmo,

I have to agree with Silent. I filed for divorce back in October thinking that's what I really wanted. I was still very angry at the time.

And now I regret filing. I don't wnat this divorce and am trying to stop it without much luck.

Think long and hard about it.... if I were you I would do plan B first. I wish I did.

Still

Strivn- Thanks! How DID you know I was sexy? LOL!

Silent- I would have done ANYTHING, ANYTHING, to prove to him that I wanted our M to work. I do not want a D. I NEED a D. Why? I need to be me. I have been on a roller coaster, and ALL areas of my life were suffering. I am normally a very organized, efficient person.

With all of this going on, MY SATELLITE was turned off, I got a disconnect for my phone(not really a big deal, but SO out of character for me... I pay my bills.) I have a need for stability. I need to know, "Ok, today, I go to work, I see my kids, I talk to my friends, I do this..." With WH, it was up in the air... more times than not I would wait... for a phone call, for a sign. He has said throughout all of this that he does not want to work things out, we are incompatible. He has said that I am too controlling, too strong of a person for him.

And you know what? He is probably right. I am not saying, if he said tomorrow, "Hey, I will do whatever it takes to make this M work" that I would not JUMP at the chance. I would. What I am saying is that I grew up. I wanted the life I had for my kids: two parents, dinner on the table, vacations, parents that did everything together. He stopped doing ANYTHING social with me when I got pregnant with our second child. He would try to tell me, "well, you are pregnant, well, you just had the baby, well, you just went back to work, I just need some time going out, you are not going to control me, sorry, I am not going to spend time with you, I have plans...." This started 3 years ago. Not so bad at first, but it got worse.

The woman that he is so infatuated with has 2 kids, 2 different dads, lives with her mom, and sister who just had a baby, and is not with its father. This girl parties WITH her mom (which I think is just WRONG). Her mom watches the kids so she can go out all of the time. And hang out.

This is what my WH is all about now. Going out, hanging out, no real responsibility... I am the opposite.

Like I said earlier, I would do anything to get back together. I just do not see it happening. I am too responsible, he is too irresponsible. I understand the effects it will have on the kids. It HURTS me.

And I actually do not feel that it is emotional or just anger based. It is me saying, I did what I can do, there is nothing more that I can do without being a fool.

When he left, I am 99.9999% there was NO one else. He met this girl in Jan. They had an EA. He misses her. He told me that when he goes home, he thinks of her, not me.

When we separated, he said there would be no other women. He
just needed to think. He just needed time away... He said that he would NOT put himself in a situation that would tempt him.

And he did.

How much more do I need to take? I can't believe anything he says, he has been misleading me numerous times, acting like he was thinking about coming home, acting like he missed me.

He told me the other day that he has not really considered us married since he moved out, he was sorry that he had not filed for a D. If he only had had more money...

I just went through a bunch of e-mails that I had sent my one friend about me and my H. From 3 years ago. I was MISERABLE. Just MISERABLE. I actually think that the reason I fought so hard for this M for so long was kind of to prove that he did care about me (I did not feel like he did then either). And to get him to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to show me that. The truth of the matter is is I feel he left the M 3 years ago. He has only been coming to me during weak moments: I was good at lifting him up. Or moments when he was not feeling good: I was good at making him feel better.
During his strong moments, he had nothing to do with me. And I want more than that.

So in answer to your question, I have thought about it. LONG and hard. I have not had the opportunity to prove anything to him, since he moved out. He is frightened by the past, he has started some kind of R with another woman, he STILL says that he does not want to reconcile with me. My hands are tied. I do not believe in dating while married (not that that is my objective), and the longer I sit in limbo, I feel the longer I will take to recover from what is going to be an eventual D anyway.

I really think that we are just TOO different now. Our priorities are not the same at all. It is just too messed up. I need to be done. I am a happy, fun person. As soon as I get confused by him, or upset by him, I plummet downhill. I have given him so much power over me with this. I needed to take it back to have more respect for me. In order to be a better person, AND a better mom. I was so on edge for so long with my kids. I am not anymore, and I never want to be that way with them again. It is not their fault I was stressed. Don't get me wrong, I was not abusive or anything. I would just have this little voice screaming in my head when things were not going right "Ahhh! Just stop whining! I do not need this now!" And I would get so frustrated. In the past month or two I found real peace about it. Real acceptance of it. It is probably better to live without him, than to live with him and be angry and frustrated all of the time. He has not changed. I have. I am who I was before we had kids. I am me again. I do not want to backslide anymore.

Do you know what I mean? I have thought so long and hard about this. It is what needs to be done. So I can look forward.

Thanks for your care and concern... I understand what you are saying. I just think that there came a time where I had to say to myself, "ok... just what is it you want back? Him? Or do you just want him back because he rejected you?" And you know what is so bad? Is that I am beginning to think that it was just because he rejected me. Like I said, I was miserable with him before I told him to leave. He is still the same person that I told to leave, if not worse. Why do I want him back?

The reasons? I wanted my family to be complete, I wanted to grow old with someone, I wanted support. I wanted love. I wanted trust.

Does he fulfill any of my needs? Not really. Has he been? Actually not for 3 years now (on a regular basis). Am I content to be miserable for the rest of my life? No. Am I wanting to compromise my beliefs on what I think a M should be, in order to accommodate him? The answer is NO. Do I think that a 37 y.o. man should be hanging out at bars all of the time with his new woman (who he met at the bar), no.

So I have come to realize that it is for the best. I have tried to do what I could do to make him happy. He has not done anything for me.

Sorry to ramble... I just felt like I had to explain myself...


I hope that I answered you,

I'm very glad that you have thought through all this. I agreed with the other posters who just wanted to make sure you are ready for this. I filed for D in January to protect my parental rights and also to get a court order for child support. WH absolutely refused a LSA which is what I really wanted. But I've regretted filing the D more often than not. But then honestly, it's probly much better for my own good that I did. Because I don't think he would do it. He is just fine living as a single man, telling me our marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper, yet if I so much as speak to a man in a restaurant, he is insanely jealous and accusing ME of having an affair. (he still denies that he's ever had sex with any other woman, yet hasn't been interested in SF with me in almost 2 years. He does admit to numerous innappropriate "friendships" with other women) He has free access to the kids whenever he wants, yet had no legal obligations to help support those kids until I got the temporay court order to do so. So even though I desperately want to still be his wife.. what kind of life and marriage is this anyway? He is right.. nothing more than a piece of paper at this point.

Sorry.. I took off on a rant about my life on your thread. It does sound like you are in a good spot emotionally. Better than a long time. I've felt glimpses of that in the last week since limiting contact with him. Hope this only continues to increase for both of us!

Sadmo, there is nothing in your post that says that you really want Divorce. You say a number of times that you would jump at the chance to recover. Why not do a dark Plan B, SIMULATING D, for BOTH you and WH, PRIOR to filing.

These plans WORK, not because of the plans, but because of the time and attention you pay to yourself; to improve yourself. YOu cannot put the entirety of the state of your M prior to separation on your WH. It takes two.

Now, what would be so wrong with doing Plan B first? I see you ANGRY and wanting to get back at your WH. You need to calm down and take your time with this. Look, you can do as you wish, certainly, but you said yourself that you do not want to hurt your children, if you can avoid it. Well, you can at least TRY, can't you?

You are hurt, you don't think it's possible. You think you've been through enough (which you have), you don't want to LOOK like an idiot anymore, embarassed by staying with this man. YOU made a vow, too. Make this about you, not about him. Try that for at least a day. Turn the mirror on yourself, fix YOU, without your WH even being a factor.

Look, my (F)WH had TWO PA's and one EA over the course of two years, wrecking me, wrecking our son, wrecking our M. HE said and did things that cut deeply. Try to step back and realize that people dealing with this AND much worse have recovered OR are giving the chance for recovery their all.

The fact that you want him back at all says that YOU may want to consider trying, with a good Plan B. What do you have to lose? Leave PRIDE out of it for now. Remember YOUR children, take some time, and don't make hasty decisions. Make these decisions without all of this emotion flinging around.

Plan B is tough, Plan A is tough, Recovery is tough, Divorce is worse...

Sadmo... I think you are making a healthy decision and IF he ever turns around and starts acting like a man...things can change...but I think you are doing the best thing right now.
You asked "How much more do I need to take?" The short answer to that is ... NO MORE.

Good for you...

MEDC

BTW, MB never asks that you be miserable for the rest of your life; the opposite is true if BOTH parties are into recovery.

Again, I would never NOT support your decision to divorce. I just thought Plan B him first, then, after his initial balking and such, and after everything is quiet and you are totally ready, not because you've had enough of his crap, but because you have no more attachment to him, and can move on with a really clean slate.

Now, I don't know where you live. D's may take a long time in your state. They can be stopped, too.

Without lumping all of your WH's misdeeds into one, was your WH always so callous and self-serving? If so, then I would say that you know what you are dealing with, but if you say it has been within the last three years, then your WH has problems he must deal with. If you are not ready or willing to wait it out, then Plan B and D are your best bets. We all have our breaking points. I understand.

SL-
The thing is is that I really do not feel angry anymore. I just am resigned to the fact that I tried, we are two different people, and he was unwilling to do anything differently when he lived here, and he still is unwilling to do anything differently now that he is gone.

I think that he left our M some time ago. Felt beaten down by me. Which is possible. Whenever he started to go out every weekend, and refuse to spend time with me, I became a shrew. Yelling at him about going out, crying about it, begging him not to. We would get along fine all week, then the next weekend, all over again. It became very important to him to go out. And it still is. He goes out all of the time now.

Do I want someone back that has this NEED to go out, and socialize with other people including other women? Actually no. He goes out with this other woman all of the time. They do non bar things together, they entertain their mutual friends at his house. He would not do ANY of that with me. For whatever reason, he made me JUST a mom. And he is unable to see me as anything but that. Plus, I most likely made him feel like a failure as a H when he started to go out all of the time. After our second D was born, and I went back to work, he started the going out all of the time. There was a day that we had a great week all week, on Friday, I made a wonderful dinner, we were laughing and getting along. I was cleaning up the kitchen and I look, and he is putting on his shoes. It is Friday night. I say to him, "why are you getting your shoes on?" He says, "Oh, I am going to go out with J". I said, "Please, we have been getting along so well. Do not go out with J, stay here with me." He said, "No, I told him I was going to meet him." I said, "I am your wife. He will understand if you do not meet him." He said, "Look, I am not staying here. You have to work tomorrow." I say, "You know that I do not go to bed early." He says, "Sorry, I am going out." My eyes filled with tears, I put my hand on his arm, and I said to him, "PLEASE stay home with me, I just want to have a nice evening." He PULLED his arm away like I was grabbing him. He said, angrily, "NO. I am not staying here. I am going out. Deal with it." I said, "Please, we have been getting along so good, don't go." He said, "sorry, I am going. What would we do anyway?" I smiled. He said, "No, I am leaving." He proceeded to walk to the door. I grabbed his arm. He turned around. I had tears coursing down my face. I said, "PLEASE, DO THIS FOR ME AND OUR M." He said, "NO. Deal with it." He ripped his arm away, and I said, "That is it. I am done. I am not going to be making your life so fun, and nice during the week so that you can go out and have fun without me every weekend. I am DONE. This is what you chose. You want to make me out as an evil woman all of the time, to justify your going out. Fine. I will act like an evil woman." He left.

The thing that hurt me the most is that it did not matter what I did, he would not spend leisure time with me. He did not want me, he did not want to be with me. He did not care about me, or my feelings. Just himself.

I was upset about the cop incident. But the fact remains, he has been gone for almost a year. He has not changed at all. He has put much distance between us, unless it suited his purposes to not be distant. I actually have grown as a person. What I see now is that he has the amazing ability to press my 'bad' buttons. There are two things that I cannot tolerate: lies and games. Sure, I could work to change the fact that I do not react as much to games. I have changed a lot in that regard. But lies? NO. I refuse. It is one of the gauges that I use to determine how I feel about someone. If I can trust them. If I have good feelings about them. He lies all of the time, for whenever it suits his purposes. I do not think that I should have to tolerate that. Whenever I call him out on his lies, he gets mad at ME. He has not taken this opportunity to stop lying. He has lied to me more than ever.

Am I hurt that I was used? Yep. But the anguish that he had on his face the other day about this other woman, was anguish that I have not seen on his face at all for me. When I asked him what the whole niceness was about, he told me that of course he feels things for me, but it is not strong.
May be fog talk, may not be.

I have to honestly say too, if I had no kids, I would have D'd him a long time ago. I felt like that one article 'why women leave men' I think that is the title. He did not want to make it work between us then, and he still does not want to make it work. 3 years now of him basically acting the same way to me: I will use her to suit my purposes, as soon as I feel good, to heck with her."

I am not angry anymore. This is not to get back at him. This is to get me to let it go. To completely extinguish that last flicker of hope. In order for me to fully move on. I have distanced myself from him a lot. But he still lies, confuses me, and takes me for granted. I am better than that, and I deserve more than that.

Am I blaming him for the state of our M completely? NO. I know what I did wrong. I got angry A LOT. But, did he care that I was angry? NO. Did he care when I told him 2 years ago that I want to be happy with him, I will do whatever it takes, and he said that was fine, but he still wanted to go out. It is just a simple fact of I would do whatever it took to make our M happy. He would not do anything. He wanted freedom. He still wants it. He did not want to "answer to me" or have to "ask" me if he should go out. Does that sound like someone who SHOULD be married? I don't think so. He did not take me into account at all, and I took him into account all of the time.

What I did not say yesterday is that he called me at work. He wanted to talk, talk about what happened over the weekend. But he wanted me to call him later in the evening. I told him no. He could say what he wanted to say, that was it. So he said, "I know that you are filing for a D, my mom told me." I agreed. He said, "I would have filed. I was waiting for the tax refund to come in to do it, that is why I wanted that money." This is after he said that he is going to stop lying to everyone now (the OW told him that he does not know what he wants, and he lies too much- so he is going to listen to HER). So I said, "you know, Sat. you told me that you were going to use the money to get your teeth fixed. SO when did you stop lying again?" He said, "well, That is what I was going to do. You know I have no money." SO I said, "Money should not have been a concern. You had money to blow on new furniture, a new apt. You should have filed for a D if it was what you wanted." He said, "I know. I should have. I am so sorry I hurt you. I just do not want to be with you, we can't be together. I have known that for a long time, I was hoping that you would realize that, so we could JUST BE FRIENDS." So I said, "I am sorry. We will not be friends. We will be civil, yes. We will not be friends." He said, "You are being so juvenile right now! Grow up. People get a D all of the time, and they are friends." I said, "No, actually I think that I am being mature. I am telling you that I do not want to be your friend. I wanted to be your W. If you do not want me to be your W, you are not going to get the best part of me, which is my friendship. I am loyal and good to my friends, as I was to you. You will not have that part of me."

He said, "Look, we can talk about this later. I have to go." So I said, "No, we are not going to talk about this later. I am not going to talk to you anymore unless I have to. And that would be if there were some emergency with the kids. That is it." He said, "well, the only reason I called is to make sure you understood why I called the cops. I called them to make sure that you did not do anything hysterical, or crazy, since I had told you that I did not want to be with you, and I told you about how I felt about C." (take a little salt and rub it into that wound!) I said, "was I acting crazy? I just wanted a silly answer. I do not need it, I know the answer." He said, "well, I think that it is really silly that you are going to meet me somewhere to get the kids. I will just drop them off." I said, "No, I do not want you in my house, at my house or near my house anymore. You are choosing to be without all of it, you do not need to be there anymore. It will give me the privacy that I want and need right now." He said, "Fine, you are being ridiculous." I said, "think of it anyway that you want." So he said, "well, maybe I can call you in a few days, and we can talk more then." I said, "No, I have nothing to say. Do you really have anything more that needs to be said to me?" He said, "No, I guess not." So I said, "welcome to the rest of your life without your M, your house, your dogs, your security. You fought so hard for it, so enjoy it!" He said, "I am going to miss some of those things, you know that." So I told him, "Yes, I am filing tomorrow. As of now, there will be no more conversations, no more drama. You can have the kids on Wed. night until 8 like normal, every second weekend. If you want to call the kids to tell them goodnight, that is fine. I do not want you to try to contact me personally unless two things happen. One, an emergency with the kids. Two, you decided that you are willing to do what it takes to make the M work. If you decide that, then I will talk to you." He said, "ok. Well, I do not want it to work, so I guess this is goodbye. But thanks for leaving that option open." That was that.

So I am going to file, but he knows that he has the option to change his mind, and try. But I am not holding my breath. SO in a way, it will be a plan B with a plan D.

Thanks for your concern. I have agonized over this. It just is that I need to get out of this holding pattern that I have been in for so long, and make a break for it. I really think that a large part of the reason he kept crying is guilt over me. Guilt that he does not want to be with me. Guilt over the fact that he does not love me enough. I really think that. And I am sure that he will be relieved when it is over. He is already feeling relief that I know how he felt about another W. He has left the building, and I do not see him looking back.

It will be ok. I have been managing on my own fine for a while now. Now I will just not have the "what ifs' hanging over my head. I gave him an out, if he wants it, he can have it. If he does not want it, then he will not use it, and I will be one step closer to the rest of my life. I will not have to start the process then.

But thank you all the same. I have thought long and hard about it. I am ready.

Okay, so why not Plan B him in the interim?

You don't see this from the perspective of those of us who have been in your SAME situation hearing the SAME things. I'm not even kidding. The same things. You ASSUME so much about what you THINK your husband is doing. He is wayward, Sadmo, just like all of the waywards we all are dealing with. Unless he is Diagnosed by a physician/psychiatrist as having NPD, you are ASSUMING. Unless YOU are a doctor and recognize the symptoms, don't assume. Selfishness is par for the course for a wayward, even when they are evil, par for the course.

You have done your Plan A, why not Plan B? I just don't get the resistance. My husband put EVERYBODY else before me, prior to his A. He wanted to 'have fun' because 'you aren't fun, THIS (our M) isn't fun!" This was something repeated over and over. He would do what suited him when it suited him. This was during Plan A. After that, I did go to Plan B, MOSTLY to preserve my family and to get over the heartbreak BEFORE making decisions about Divorce. So that I could be CLEAR.

Of course your WH would say, "I was going to D you, but I was waiting for blah blah blah." BULLCHIT Of course, he's going to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. BULLPUCKY! Problem is, you don't look at his ACTIONS, you are listening to his WORDS. WAYWARDS LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE...

He has been coming around because he wants some of your cake and her cake and the cake of no responsiblity, and YOU are allowing him to just ride that fence by not cutting him off. Go ahead and file for a D, but Plan B his [censored]. You are playing right into his hand, Sadmo, right into it. You are still being the MOM, doing all of the heavy lifting, doing all of his work, so he will never have to deal with what he's done. You haven't followed the Plans, so he won't change, and what a disaster for the children you have together. Without fighting, he will continue his poor behavior and ABANDON them, and that leads to things that COULD be horrible for your children.


Your R with him right now is JACKED UP, from both sides. You want him to be someone, but aren't willing to see if he could be that someone, because a wayward does NOT turn on a DIME and jump for joy and whisper sweet nothings, and NO they do not stay when asked, begged.

Let him go, but don't stop fighting. You are laying down your weapon and waving that flag. Go file for D. Plan B.

Mulan's response to your INITIAL post about your situation. Have you done any soul searching as to how YOU enable this behavior. This is the same question I have, too.

Sadmo, I just don't see that you have cut off his cake supply.

SL-
No, I did not cut it off, not completely. I know that. I did not plan b. I know that. I was trying to plan a. I was trying the 180. I just never go to the plan b part.

I did tell him yesterday that if he wanted to work things out, he can call me. Other than that, that is all that he needs to know.

I know what I did to enable. I would be aloof, he would show attention, I would let him have some of me, then he would blow me off. Each time I thought it would be different. Each time it was the same. Each time I was too easy for him to weasel his way back closer to me.

What I fear, and I must admit, is that I did severely beat him down emotionally before he moved out. Was I emotionally abusive to him? I am sure that I was. I was mean. He was mean in a way to get to me. But he left, with no other woman around. He found a new woman. And, in a way, I cannot blame him for not trusting that I will be like that again. Really. I can understand why he is afraid of that. I have tried to convince him that I am not that same person. By my actions, by my words. But the thing is, is that deep down, I fear that I will be that same person if we went right back to things being the same way (on his end). I could not accept how he was, and I should not. And he should not accept how I was to him. And he should not.

It is just that I wanted to move forward. He wanted to stay rooted in the past with our R, and use that as the excuse. He was 'afraid' that things would get bad between us. He was afraid that I would be a ranting B all of the time. And you know what? If he still wanted to go out all of the time, I would be that person again.

As for the BPD, the only reason I said that is because he accused me of being that way. (not true). But when my brother looked it up, it was almost comical... it was more suited to him than me!

One other thing... I was going to cut him off now. I gave him the out. I was going to go to plan B/plan D.

I know that I am assuming some things about him. I know that.

But I do not see how if I file for a D, and cut him off, how I am playing into his hands? He will not be able to cake eat. And if he doesn't like it, and wants to save the M, I told him I would be willing.

I feel that I am coming from a clear head with this. I feel that I want to end this. I want to know what is real, what isn't real. It is important to me. Right now our R is not real. It has not been real. I want to let it go, instead of waiting. I know that if I did the just the plan B, no matter how at peace I was, I would still be hoping, hoping, hoping. Now, I am telling myself, stop hoping.

This way, with the plan B/D, I feel that I am moving forward. Not treading water.

I think it is the right thing for me, and the kids. They need stability.

Thanks.

The kids stability will not come with divorce. Separation, in itself, had caused so much pain to my son, that I cannot describe it. Divorce to me and my siblings caused immmense damage (however, my father was a physically/ emotionally/ verbally/ violently abusive alcoholic). Still caused me anguish, none the less.

Now, as to the Plan B, you would have to continue in darkness, that is for sure, and not start a new relationship, which, frankly, your kids don't need anyway. Nope, you would be forced to live with everyday life AS IF your were divorced, without the actual papers (hence looking into a legal separation agreement, where monies are all taken care of and legally enforceable).

Sadmo, I'm just saying that you haven't taken the time to check Plan B out. You are jumping to Plan D without so much as a real glance in Plan B's direction. Stability in the children will ONLY come from YOU right now, D or no D. Stability must start today, where you have no D. Stability can start with detachment from you WH (which IGNORING him and his Wayward [email]cr@p[/email] allows).

You MUST ask yourself the question, do I want to end this family without a GOOD, SOLID, all out try?

Now, I can't say that I disagree with MEDC, in terms of pride and emotion. [email]D@mnit![/email] I've given this man/woman multiple chances to come back, I've shown him/her that my changes are solid and forever, I've gotten back to me, the strong, confident me that I remember. Thing is, YOU dont' even know if your changes are permanent, and what other person should be subjected to you floundering on what your needs are. Plan B is for you to get your [censored] together, Sadmo.

Okay, so you don't like your WH choosing to go out galavanting around town with who know's what/who. You know what, you are RIGHT. Married people are not afforded this anymore. If you are absolutely sure that he will NOT change when forced to go it alone, then so be it. But I don't hear that you are sure, as you shouldn't be, 'cause truth be told, you have never cut him off from his supply of family companionship long enough to see what he may WANT, himself.

Oh, I could go on and on.

My advise. Read the threads of many who are in Plan B now, or in Plan A (read LilSis's thread, Bugsmom's thread, wildhorses thread, sdguy38's thread, and many more). They did Plan B before Plan D or during Plan D. You will see so much in common.

Again, get a divorce if you really want the divorce, but if there is hope that you have, why should you be the one to quelch it? All of the posts that you have had do not convince me that you WANT divorce, but that there is some NEED for it. Those who need divorce are usually in the sitch that my mom found herself in (abusive--in all counts and spreading to her children) (or like Strvn4better). Now, if you WH has a REAL disorder, and you know it, maybe there's nothing you can do, but if he is being a wayward, selfish, stoopid SOB, well, it's just not the same...

Sadmo, I back you, don't get me wrong, but you are living in your own fog. Don't make excuses for decisions, just KNOW that they are right.

Sadmo, I hear you, I really do, I was you, I AM you. I would rather you D with a totally clear conscience, because the backdraft to deal with from your children is tough enough without being sure...