I have not posted to you I don't think. I have read most of your thread. I am very confused by your thread.

Do you want to stay married?

If so, why are you not working the plans?

If you plan to do a plan B, you first need to to do the best Plan a you can.

You are not plan Aing at all.

When you plan B you want him to remember you in a good way while you are in Plan B. Do you really want him to remember you like you have been.

I am not tryin to be rude but you come off sounding like a whiney mess. I am fairly sure that is not how you want him to remember you.

Please find one of the good plan a threads like Lil Sis and start doing a great one. If you can't plan a then you really ought to plan b- however you really ought to try to leave him with a few good thoughts of you before you do.

I hope the best for you.

Moveforward-

A whiney mess???

I actually do not agree with you on that. I have been as strong as I could under the circumstances of just finding out he was 'in love' with another woman.

I come here to vent, to get things off of my chest, express my frustrations....

He would have a few good thoughts to remember of me. He usually does not see my inner struggle.

I will keep that in mind... no longer be a whiney mess. Sorry, I just do not see it.

Go back and read your post describing your reaction with him on Mother's Day. I am not saying you are not supposed to vent here. That is what you are supposed to do- however you are supposed to show us that- not him.


read your post and see if that is coming across as attractive to your WS. Are you giving him any reason to want to come home to you?

moveforward-

With mothers day it was the fact that he gives me SO LITTLE. That is what my point was with him, and he knew it. I do not think that I should be going out of my way to hug him, and act all happy when he did not get me a gift, or have the girls even make me a picture.

The thing is is that I decided that I deserve more from him. He was just there sucking up all the good, while I got scraps. So he got no hug, and a guilt trip. I was not plan A ing him at that time. My point, then, was to let him know that there is at least one day that he can make my day special- and teach that to my girls.

He always had excuses as to why he did not do nice things, and I was tired of hearing them.

I have gotten to the point that if this IS who he is, I do not want him back... that is why I saw a lawyer.

I may come off as attractive to my spouse, but I know that what comes out of my mouth is not attractive to him, when he knows that he is in the wrong.

I had to start defending what I believe in at some point, and stop backpedaling, and pretending that I did not care. I think that people should do that, when it is something that matters to them.

So, no, maybe I did not make him want to be around me, but, he has been gone for a long time now. Even when I was nice to him, he still did not want to be around me. He does not want to come home to me. He has not wavered in that regard since he left. He is wanting to be 'friends' to make it easier on himself, and my point to him is that my friends do not treat me with such little disregard. That was all.

But thanks for your viewpoint.

What's funny is how he is suddenly unattracted to Sadmo as soon as she capiltulates or feeds into his ego. When she isn't around when HE wants, he flips out and we hear *sob sob* from WH.

Sadmo, you are doing just fine. No one is perfect and your added stress with the financial situation doesn't make it any easier. The ladies I know from MB know what a whiney mess I was before I got really focussed (luckily it was pretty fast since FWH freaked when I went to plan B. I was done in pretty much a day LOL).

Don't tell him what you are going to do. Just do it. That way, for those moments you may slip up, you don't have a WS gloating over how they got you to give in on your boundaries and whatnot. You will be the only one who knows. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I honestly believe, though, that its imperative that you start plan B as soon as you can get him to sign that paperwork. Hopefully it would coincide with him signing that lease-- which was a major turning point in your thinking and you threw down that gauntlet already. He signs that lease and you have exactly the 'reason' to cut him off. You warned him already. *evil grin*

Mojo- Thanks.
He would not sign his lease until late next month. He also wants to 'talk' about what is fair for him too. I told him that I would give him the paperwork, and he could decide if it is 'fair' or not. He now is expressing more of an interest in having the kids more, which burns me because I know it is only because he would pay less CS. Maybe I am wrong, but I doubt it. The thing that is actually good is that it would be good for the kids if they saw more of him, he is a good dad with them. They listen to him.

Funny side note:
So he drops the kids off yesterday (when he picked them up, I acted hurried, but cheerful) the girls come in with flowers and a vase. He feels bad about mothers day, he knows it is late, can he make it up at all? I was happy about the flowers, and the girls were thrilled.

Then, the funny part. He says, "I notice that you have been getting your feet done all of the time. It must be nice to have that kind of money." I said, "who says that I am paying for it?" Meaning, that I am doing my own pedicures... I realized AFTER I said it that it sounded like I was saying someone else was paying for it. He then said, "And every time I see you, your hair is done a different way, and you have a different hair color. Who pays for that??? It is expensive to do all of that." Funny part- I have not gotten my hair cut (I have trimmed the bangs, it is longish, so I can get away with not getting it cut all of the time) in at least 3 months, and since he left, I have been dyeing it myself. I have not dyed it in at LEAST 4 months. I have actually been taking the time to do my hair, it makes me feel better, and I look a lot better! And.... he noticed!
He also made the comment, all teary eyed, that someone bought me flowers for Mothers Day, someone took care of me. He was sorry that he had not.

I just find it interesting. I had also heard from "E" that my WH is done with OW. She dumped him, why I do not know. My WH is going through withdrawl of her now. But, yesterday, he told "E" that he regrets that he did not put more effort into saving our M. "E" told him it was not too late. He also told my WH that when we had gone out the other night, that I was a lot of fun, just like I used to be, and WH seemed intrigued by that. I told "E" thanks for the tip, but WH needs to do something at this point, there is nothing that I can do. He said that he understood. So I don't know. I am going to proceed my course, all the while being nice and friendly to WH, and hopefully I will get what I want, then BAM! Plan B. That is the best route to go I think.

*applaud*
There ya go.
Remember, just grit your teeth when he spouts stupid WS stuff-- they all do it.

The thing is... I really do not know what is real or not with him anymore... He is lost in his fog, and I am getting out. That is all that I know right now!

Which is exactly why you wait for actions and never wait for the words.

Chin up!

Well, I am going along, in a relatively good place.

I realize that I need to protect myself legally, yet I am not wanting to get a D right now either. I know that I am afraid to move forward, to finalize it all. I am afraid to say goodbye to what me and my WH had, when we were happy. I am afraid to rock the boat.

It has been kind of odd. Suddenly my WH has been calling me, just to talk. He has been acting all nice. But it is weird. Like there is just this HUGE gap between us. Like we really don't relate anymore. And I feel sad about that. I have been trying to be nice and charming with him. But it is hard when you seem to realize, "wow, the only thing holding us together WAS the kids." I feel like I am trying to make him laugh, and trying to get him to relax... like I am dating someone that is just not my type.

He called me today on my cell phone when I got off of work. He had called me 3 times from work. When I asked him what he had wanted, he did not remember. Then he said, "oh, yeah. I just wanted to know if I am going to pick up the kids at the same time tomorrow." I said sure. Then he asked me if I would want to do something with him and the kids, like take the dogs for a walk or something. I said that sounded good.

This whole apart thing has been kind of weird. I am at the place now where I am happier than I was when we were together (the last few years). And it just kind of has me wondering if it really would not be a bad thing to D... I know that some people thought that I was kind of not knowing what I want, and sometimes I do not really know what I want. But I am more emotionally stable OUT of this R. I really am beginning to think that man, he just was not that into me. But, that is ok. I have my 2 beautiful girls to show for it. So that is not bad.

I just thought that I would give a brief update...

So WH comes here today to pick up the kids. We hung out with the kids and dogs for a while.

He then asked how much money he was going to get from the taxes. I told him how much, that is why I did not cash last month's CS, and why I had told him that he did not have to pay CS this month. I then got up and got an agreement that I had printed out, that we both were going to sign, stating that that is why I did not get CS for 2 months. He looked at me, shocked, and said, "we don't need an agreement. I trust you." I told him that this would be to protect both of us.

So he looks all sad at me and says, "You really want a D, don't you?" I told him no, but I do not see any choice. He said, "We have been getting along so well, don't file just yet, ok?" I asked him for how long. He said, "Just give me another month, let me go on my vacation, clear my head. Let me have my kids for most of my vacation, let's do things as a family. Maybe we can go out and do something a few nights. Just don't file for a D yet, ok? Please?"

I told him ok, one more month. I had cancelled the lawyer appoint. yesterday anyway. I felt too overwhelmed with the whole D thing.

He seemed depressed again today.(Problems at work) I offered him a beer, and I gave him a hug, and told him that he would get through it. He smiled at me and said, "A hug from you, and you listening is all that I wanted, and you did it, thanks Sadmo... Also, thanks for not trying to solve my problems, thanks for just listening." Then he hugged me again, and left with the kids.

I know, I know that I should be a huge flip-flop at this point already. But it may be worth it if it all settles down, and he wants to come back, and help raise our kids, be M again...

My thoughts are this- is he just in withdrawl of his A? He seems to be seeking me out a lot. Do you think that he is just 'using me'. Not that I have been there jumping at the chance, but I have been talking to him.

Do you think that he is having regrets?

Should I just proceed on how I have been with him, give him his month, and then do what I was going to do anyway if he signs another lease (which comes up next month).

Right now I am just going to be how I have been. Friendly, happy (except about mothers day!), fun, nice....and BUSY.

Anyone have any thoughts? I am intrigued by his new hook, I have not bitten completely, it just looks better than the other ones...

I realize that I have no way of actually knowing what is going on in his head. I realize that he is probably scared to get a D. I also realize this... I do not think that he realizes HOW MUCH he could get from me if we get a D. He mentioned to me something about getting blood from a turnip (when talking about a work related expense) and it hit me.... He does NOT know! That is actually good news!

So my best bet, I think, would be to be the picture of Plan A for this next month. Get him to think all nicely about me. And if he signs a lease, I can get the papers drawn up, and have him sign them, QUICKLY, then I can fade away to black.

It sounds like a good, fair plan. It will be my last ditch effort, and there will be light at the end of the tunnel in a month... one way or another. I can stick it out for another month. What is a month anyway? And I will always be able to look back and think I did my best.

It sounds good to me.

I think that sounds like a good idea Sadmo...

Sadmo, all I can say is be careful, for all you know he could be saving up or waiting to get the funds to file himself.....on another bboard there was a poster (woman) bs who's stbx ha several affairs, while married to her, they had twins , the little girl had cancer, while he was out catting about, also got one ow pregnant and moved in with her, coming back and forth many of times, spending like there was no tomorrow, last time he came home she had him sign a statement about the debt that he had a massed while playing the stud about town, something like 15-20k.

The last time he left she had enough got the big D, with out his debts becoming hers in the divorce.....

Whhat ever he says to you that you cana not back up with the truth concider is a lie, sorry I know that you do not want to hear this but I just want you to be caustious when dealing with your hubby , yes he is confused right now but he might just take the path of the least rocky road.

FIL-
I think so...

Swan-
The funny thing is a year ago, my WH got a vasectomy. We never even had a decent discussion about if we were done having kids. We were not getting along, and his buddies convinced him that I would try to get 'knocked up' to keep him in line.... Ok... NOT my style. So he had it done. The WONDERFUL thing is that at least I do not have to worry about THAT... that he will knock up some bimbo. Sometimes you just do not know a blessing in disguise! LOL! I can actually laugh about it now!

I will be cautious. I will be careful. I will HOPEFULLY be wise.

Thanks for the words of advice.

You do sound good today...

Hopefully be wise...LOL...you got all of us behind you...no need to second guess that! Just pickin... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sadmo, if you don't want a D, don't get one, get an LSA instead and go dark. The LSA serves to divide up the assets and establish, legally, CS and custody. That way, you afford yourself some real time to get your head together. You are not in sync.

Again, I would support you filing D, if you sounded ready or resolved. I don't see that in your posts.

Yes, your WH may be going through withdrawal, and he may establish a new R with another OW; not in your control, but an LSA will protect you and your childrens' future more than waiting your WH out. As you say, he SEEMS to have no idea about your assets, but he will, when/if you file D or LSA. Just protect yourself.

Sadmo, you are doing well in the face of all of this topsy turvy mess, just make a plan and stick to it. It will make your life easier; you will not be ruled by emotion, but by a schedule and a plan. Just a thought.

SL-
it is odd. Normally I am the one that HAS the plan, or has the idea... I usually KNOW what to do.

With this whole mess, I do not know. I am confused.

Deep down, I want my M to work.

In my head, I do not know if it CAN work. In my heart, I think that it can.

I just know that now, If we do not work things out, it is fine. I will be ok. I am used to him not being around. If we do work things out, I will be good.

It will be ok, either way.

I am not torn up, but I am not looking to others to meet my needs (I am not looking for another R).

So that is why I decided to give him one more month. If he does sign the lease, then that is that. During this month I am going to be nice, friendly, supportive. Then I will know that I did all that I could.

I owe our M, and our kids that much. But I also owe myself a chance to move on, and start my life over, and I would not be able to do that unless we had a D.

So far, so good. WH called to talk to me tonight, I was out with friends. He called my cell, but did not leave a message. I called him back, and he seemed HAPPY, SO HAPPY to hear from me. We talked about little things, and he is SO WORRIED now that I moved on. It is obvious. He wanted to know if he could stay the night Sun. He is off of work Mon. and he just wanted to hang out here. Which blew my socks off. He was originally going to have plans Sun. evening. So I told him I would think about it.

The thing is, I feel so much more confident, so much more flirty, so much more MYSELF, that I think that he is remembering what he liked about me.

We will see. Only time (a month!) will tell....

Wish me luck!

Sadmo,

It's not about luck. You are making changes in yourself and your WH is probably recognizing that. See, in many cases, the M is stalled because BOTH parties are bogged down, both are susceptible to an A. So, if we want to have ANY R be better, stronger and be forever, well, we have to work on us, control ourselves.

That is part of Plan A, getting your own [censored] tight! During this month, you may see WH falter, so I would suggest sticking to the month and NOT to his behavior. Give it the WHOLE month, as that is your plan. Do for yourself, start to heal yourself, give when YOU want to, how YOU want to.

Keep chuggin along, Sadmo. You may have a saved M, you may not, but you will save yourself.

SL-

Thanks for the encouragement.

I went out yesterday with some friends, had a really nice time. I was supposed to go and see my brother tonight, but I have a ton of stuff to do at home (like clean!) that I keep putting off. So I canceled plans with him to get some things done. I have been running around going here, and there, and when I don't have the kids, I have been going out with friends, family, shopping. I needed a day to just be ME, without going out, or running around.

My WH called me today, to see if he can come over with the kids tomorrow. I told him that would be fine. He then asked me if I would like to go out, and socialize, with him sometime soon. I said sure. He then said, "well, let's go to this bar (the one that he met the OW at!) and I can sing karaoke, and you can finally hear me sing."

This seems like a nice thing. He likes to sing, but he never would do it in front of me. Now he is asking me to go.

But to the place where he met HER???? Why would he want to go there, of all places?

So I said, "that sounds nice, but I really am not comfortable going there with you." He asked why. I told him, "I do not want to run into her." He said, "It is not like she goes there all of the time. And so what if we run into her?" I said, "No, I am not comfortable going there." And he persisted. I finally said, "NO, I do not want to run into her. How would you feel if I did the same thing to you? If I took you somewhere where I had met another man, and I hung out with him. How would you feel?"

He finally just said, "Ok, I see your point. We can go somewhere else."

Geez louise! Why would he want me to go there? So it can get back to her that he was with me? Who knows. Only the alien knows....

So that is a quick recap.... nothing to earth shaking. LOL!