Post deleted by kar

Not.

kar,

You're joking right? It has been 3 years and 3 1/2 months since d-day and my FWH gets only the privacy I choose to give him.

Privacy is a privilige reserved for someone you can trust and your WH forfeited his right to it by lying, and breaking vows.

At 2-weeks he is still addicted to OW, as evidenced by his on-line searches. He needs to grasp the severity of his actions, which, so far he clearly hasn't.

You need to be wary at this point and in the future because he is still very much in danger of resuming the affair while still addicted and in FOG.

I may be at the extreme end of the spectrum here, but even now at over 3 years, if I caught my FWH checking on the whereabouts of OW, I would throw his a** out. I don't believe in 3rd chances at doing the right thing!

Who

Your WH is not asking for privacy.

He's asking for secrecy.

They are two very different things.

Privacy = "I'm going to take a nap, or use the toilet, or take a shower. You'll know where I am and what I'm doing; I'll just be alone while I'm doing it."

Secrecy = "I'm doing stuff I don't want you to know about."

Big difference.

Privacy is fine.

Secrecy WILL destroy your marriage.
Mulan

Your H must be joking.... next time he says that... ask him what the punchline is!

Are you following the MB plan? Did he write a no contact letter to the other woman? Was the affair exposed to her husband, your and husband's family and friends, at work (if applicable).

Have the two of you gone to counseling? Has he answered all your questions about the affair? Has he explained the "why" of the affair? Is he willing to take precautions to prevent another one?

Are you following the MB plan? [color:"blue"]Sort of but not sure what it is yet. [/color] Did he write a no contact letter to the other woman? [color:"blue"] No [/color] Was the affair exposed to her husband, your and husband's family and friends, at work (if applicable). [color:"blue"] No, should I expose this and to whom? Should he tell his P's or should I? Should I tell WH that we need to expose this or should I wait for my SAA book for both of us to read it? Then start following a Plan A[/color]

Have the two of you gone to counseling? [color:"blue"] Yes we are in counseling and were in it before DD [/color] Has he answered all your questions about the affair? [color:"blue"] Yes, when I ask. I still have more questions but they have not all surfaced and some I am just not ready to ask or if I even should ask. Like do I really need to know all aspects of what they did together, go to movies, hang out, sx, etc? [/color] Has he explained the "why" of the affair? [color:"blue"] Sort of but he is still not really sure of why. [/color] Is he willing to take precautions to prevent another one? [color:"blue"] Yes [/color]

[color:"blue"] I am however, confused as to why he felt the need to do searches on her name and other related stuff about OW. I would appreciate any advice on what to do next and how to go about planning a Plan A
Kar [/color]

HERE [color:"red"]<~~~ click [/color]

Hope you will read SAA. Plan A is all about showing him what a great wife you could be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. It includes trying to meet his emotional needs.

It also includes exposing the affair. Are you certain the affair is over?

If so, see if he will write a no contact letter to the OW. It should say he loves his wife, and wants to work on his marriage, the affair was a big mistake, and wants no contact with her ever again for any reason. The End.

.

[color:"red"]OK kar .... here it is: [/color]



1. call OW's husband
tell him everything you know about the affair
tell him the reason you are calling is that your H is looking up his wife online

2. after you EXPOSE to OW's husband, meet your H somewhere public for coffee ... tell him you know he's been fighting his addiction to OW, and you decided to help your marriage survive his addiction to OW, you've told OW's husband about the affair

3. things to say to your husband's reaction of horror:
HER husband has the right to know
HER husband will keep an eye open for future contact
HER husband knowing may be enough to protect both marriages from further disaster

4. YOU dislike making a unilateral decision like this, but since your H has been unable to control himself from seeking out OW online, you needed to create an intervention, of sorts

5. secrets like this will kill your marriage ... because all secrets do is keep one of the spouses in the dark

good luck hunny!

Pep