Any recommendations on exposure to a 17 year old girl?

She is very close to her mom. WS has hooked up with someone 11 years younger (he is 31)and I was thinking that our 17 year old should be aware of the issue and could even help bring her mom to her senses. The fact that he is so young shows how crazy this is. She is probably going to find out anyway and I would prefer the truth rather than lies and deception from my WS.

We also have a 12 year old girl. I plan to keep her out of the details. "Mom and Dad are having trouble but still love each other and want to make it better" is the only thing she is going to get.

When I told my 19 year old, I gave her the whole event outline truthfully. Then I asked if she had any questions. Boy did she ever. I answered all of these questions with truth and tact and tried my best not to editorialize (no doubt failed a couple times). If it was a question I could not answer but WW probably could I referred to her.

I would leave advice on the 12 year old to others but don't underestimate her desire to know the truth or her capacity to handle it.

I'd tell them both that their mom is involved with someone else, and that's why you're having all the troubles. Make it clear that you're fighting to save the marriage and relationship, but that it's up to their mom to do her part.

Let her suffer the consequences of her choices. This is part of the affair. It will hurt your daughters, but that pain isn't one that YOU are making...their wayward mom is.

Now...IS their wayward mom trying to work it out with you? If not, don't like about it. Tell the honest, up front truth.

My kids were 17 and 15 when my wife was set to leave me (us) to go live with another man...that she'd never met in person! I told my wife point blank that she had to tell them why she was leaving...I wasn't going to 'help' her break that news to our kids. It was her choice to do what she was doing, and she needed to deal with it as an adult. Our kids were FURIOUS with her about it!!! And then they talked with her...they told her that they loved her, but did NOT like what she was doing at all...and that they wouldn't go live with her and OM...period.

BTW...we're three years recovered now. I'm still glad that we did tell them the full truth of what was going on...it played a big part in forcing her to think about the FAMILY, and not just herself.

Both of your kids need to be told the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. They are both old enough to understand right from wrong and it will be your obligation to guide them through this. Make sure you explain to them that affairs are IMMORAL and BAD so that you validate their sense of right and wrong. They will need to see you taking a strong stance against her affair, lest they grow up morally confused.

In my case - my two oldest sons (23 & 17) - actually confronted both OM and their Mom. They found out on their own and had noticed my wife was not acting normal. During this time (late summer 2005) I was just starting to get my crap together for my confrontation and plan of action.

Needless to say - I didnt have to do it as it ended the A immediately. My sons have never told me about it - but I knwo their intention was to protect our family. They had little admiration for the other guy. I have heard them talk and say he looked and acted like a little pinhead weasel.

There should be no secrets in any family.

Make sure you don't leave anything out.

Make sure you don't leave anything out.



[/quote]

Yes that was the start of one of the worst mistakes in my life. It led to Plan A, then Plan B, and then a decision that it was a lifestyle that wasn't for us -- or so I thought.

So here I am with a brand new problem. Would I have been here if I didn't encourage something really stupid back in 2004?
So do you really think I should expose mistakes made two years ago that I thought we had overcome?

That was the past and this is now. She is having an affair and I need to deal with the here and now.

agree totally with OWL

ain't that strange?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

From Penalty Kill


You plan to keep the 12 year old out of the details, but the 17 year old in....you're showing the same weak logic that enabled you to encourage an open marriage while thinking that you could close it at any time (when it stopped turning *you* on and began turning *you* off). And how, pray tell, are you going to keep the 17 year old from telling the 12 year old? Are you going to encourage the 17 year old to keep a secret?

Nice.

Yes, when you expose, please be sure to expose yourself as well. Truth is truth, the whole enchilada.

All I see here in this thread is someone getting a pass because he's a "BS". BS is right.

???

We told him to tell all the kids.... what are you talking about "a pass"? ... I'm confused.

You mean tell the kids what he did about having an open marriage?



Pep

Yes, Pepperband. There's just so much more here than meets the eye, IMO. This particular BS was very instrumental in steering his marriage right into the ditch. To tell his children that he's trying to save his marriage in spite of his wife's actions is selective truth-telling at best, and an outright lie at worst. Just my opinion, based on his earlier posts. Here's a snippet:

"Kids, a while back, mom and I were bored and thought it would be exciting for me to watch her have sex with other men. It was really exciting at first, but then I realized it was a big mistake. Now I don't like it anymore and she still does. I told her to stop and she won't. She's gotten attached to another guy and so I'm fighting to get her back and thought you needed to know that truth."

Yeah....that'll help those kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

laotzu.....I think it's pretty convenient to call this relationship an "affair" and therefore use affair strategies. This was an open marriage....where you got your own "kink" on (as you put it). You POJA'd starting the open marriage....but never POJA'd ending it. You admit that you never got an agreement from her to go back to monogamy. So as far as I'm concerned....this is still an open marriage and using MB affair ending strategies like exposure is hypocritical. You introduce this idea.....and then throw your wife under the bus???

IMO, you keep the kids out of this unless the two of you POJA monogamy again and something happens after that, or they've reached adulthood for this X rated exposure.

*That* was my point; I was simply trying to make it without resorting to sarcasm. Looking at the whole truth gives exposure in this case a different perspective.

It seemed to me that many posters were quite amenable to the BS telling only his version of the truth at the expense of his wife. But who cares if he trashes her to the kids? He's been betraaayyyyed. He betrayed himself as well.

Sigh. Exposure is a lousy weapon in this particular case of "infidelity". And with that, I'm outta this thread.

You know you're in trouble when...LOL!!!


As far as the 'rest of the story'...I've not read this poster's original thread in detail. I wasn't aware of how this situation started. It DOES make exposure more difficult...but here's the thing.

What SHOULD he do? NOT tell his kids why their mother is behaving the way that she should? I don't think so...she's choosing to be with another man, and not with her H. Point blank...that's where they're at right now.

Now...how should he address the fact that he was part of the cause of the problem? I'm not totally sure, but he should admit that he IS part of the problem.

As far as whether this is still an open marriage or not...well...a marriage is supposed to be made and maintained by TWO people...if he's not comfortable with it being an open marriage, then the openness is over.

The bottom line and intent of exposure is to put pressure on the WS to end the wayward behavior. His kids SHOULD know that their mother is continuing behavior that is causing the destruction of the marriage. Seems to me that this situation DEFINITELY needs some professional help, instead of OUR input.

To the original poster...your best bet right now is to get to a good MC/family counselor and start working out a game plan on how to manage this situation.

Its ironic that someone is allowed to recover from a long list of lovebusters, as many on here have done, but when it comes to a stupid sexual decision years ago I have to wear the scarlet letter as if it's always going to be my fault.

A couple of years ago we both had counseling with Penny R. Tupy from Saveyourmarriagecentral.com. She had one person on her staff that had considerable experience with Open Marriages. Her advice was very clear. When a spouse says "monogamy", there doesn't have to be POJA. Monogamy is the expectation. She also advised to expose the BFs even when it was all started with encouragement by me. I didn't expose back then but I did Plan A and eventually Plan B. It's been 18 months of recovery and monogamy (or so I thought). All I appeared to do is drive it underground.

So here we are with secret affair. Is this my fault? Of course I am partially to blame. Do you take the same approach as any other case of infidelity? I think yes. Would you expose every lovebuster and piece of history that ever occured to family and friends? You don't expose history when you expose an affair. You expose the affair.

Here's your problem friend. If YOU don't expose the history, your wife WILL.

She'll use this to try to spin the whole thing back on you. Make no mistake.

So, damage control is partially what this is about. You know that it's going to come out, but the best thing you can do is to control HOW and WHEN it comes out. This isn't some little lovebuster your talking about...this isn't "you spent $500 at the boats when you should have fixed the front porch!". You can't compare this to 'normal' history that you wouldn't have to bring up in a 'standard' exposure.

This is RELEVANT to your situation...and it's incriminating on both of you, and it's going to be one way that she'll try to put the blame on you. So you need to think about how you're going to deal with that. THAT is why this is being discussed here so much.

It may be ironic, or whatever. But it's a fact you're going to have to deal with. So don't get angry about it being brought up...find a way to deal with it.

Make sense to you?

when will this madness stop? I STILL agree with Owl !!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Pep

I'm looking up Revelations now...sure this MUST be a sign of the end of times!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You MUST be correct ... lemme know what you discover

Pep/Owl