I posted last week that I filed for divorce from my husband. We only knew each other for a few months before getting married. I was also pregnant at the time.

anyway, I tried to ignore the small red flags that were happening before we got married. Like he was getting upset if I wanted to have dinner with my friends/family. he said it was because he missed me and just wanted to spend all his time with me.

He was jealous of any attention I gave my dog. My dog was making a few accidents in the house. My husband spanked him, shoved his face in his urine and put him in a crate till it was time to go potty again. My poor dog was so scared of him, he would submissively pee when my husband got near him. I ended up giving my dog away (to a very loving family that adores him). I didn't think it was fair to keep him miserable like me.

He makes me check in with him wherever I go. He said it was because he worried about me and just wanted to know what I was doing. But even if I would tell him I was going somewhere (like my mom's house) he would call me all the time. I think it was b/c he was 'checking on me'. It's not like he would talk much whenever he called. And when he did talk, he would always be questioning and interrogating me instead.

He demanded sex a lot (at least once a day). In the beginning I did it b/c he said his ex-wife didn't do it very much, and he was really upset about it. But then he would get really upset if I 'rejected' him. It didn't matter that I was really tired (from fighting all day with him), had the pregnancy tiredness, or just didn't feel intimate. He made comments like I gave myself to others (ex-bfs) and he made a commitment to me. He blamed me for not being attracted to him anymore. He accused me of having an affair or that I must be masterbating instead.

He didn't like me doing my hobbies (scrapbooking and doll collecting) b/c it was a waste of time and money. I think it was b/c he wanted me to spend all that time focusing on him.

He would make comments about my clothes. He would be upset if I wore anything that showed a little bit of cleavage (usually only when I bent over).

He would poke/grab me on my sides and thighs when I tell him to stop b/c it really hurts. Then he gets mad at me turning it around like I overreacted.

And the latest incident is he sent me spyware and was keeping track of everything I was doing online.

He doesn't admit to most of the above items. he has a way of justifying them. We have been in counseling, and I have seen some improvements like he knows he can't demand sex from me if I don't want to, he can't poke/grab me, I can go out with friends/family as long as I tell him way in advance and he can't constantly check in on me.

He really wants to reconcile, but I don't know if I can. I have been through so much emotional, verbal and almost physical abuse (he blocks doorway if I ever tried to leave from his yelling). I don't know if I can be 'close' to him anymore. I appreciate that he is willing to go to counseling. I appreciate that he has made some improvements. But i don't feel like he thinks he was wrong for a lot of things. I wish he would really admit that to me so I know he understands how that hurt me.

I don't know what to do. I am afraid of giving in again (this is the 3rd time I've left him and we've been together less than 2 years). I finally feel set free, but I hopelessly wonder if things can get better.

My husband was quite a bit like yours - insecure, having bad dreams about me cheating on him when we first got married (never have come close to cheating on him in any way).

Kasey's story is found in the emotional needs section of this web site - he used to post quite a bit.

What turned the corner is that Kasey found His Needs/Her Needs and sincerely asked what lovebusters he was commiting - I identified the angry outbursts as the most harmful to me. He actually got worse before it got better; we separated for a time 11 years ago. I was to the point where I didn't NEED to be married anymore. He had a good therapist and "got" that the problem in our relationship started with him.

Insecure guys can heal, but in my husband's case - I had to get out of the way. He had to clearly get that I wouldn't/couldn't put up with violence or controlling behavior any more.

freeatlast01,
I read your story and it sounds exactly the same as mine... only a few months, things moved quickly, we got married and i think i ignored the red flags too... i became pregnant one month after marriage, but fortunately (hindsight) i had a miscarriage, due to what i believe was excessive stress. i too was emotionally and slightly physically abused.... enough was enough... my family came to save me... i finally got a pfa against him, got him out of MY house (he wasn't paying bills at all... he had lived there from july to just 2 weeks ago)... he has been going through therapy for a while... but it just didn't seem to be enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> we have the pfa's against each other... which means NO CONTACT at all... i have cried myself to sleep the past 2 weeks wondering how i could let this happen to me.. yet still wanting him back... time and time again i had asked him to leave... he threatened that he would take 1/2 of everything i had... it scared me...
my husband has also put spyware onto my computer to see what i am doing and who i am in contact with... even though he finds nothing SUSPICIOUS, he is still keeping track... i know it.. he knows it.. and it BOTHERS me... they are insecurities that these men need to deal with on their own... when they do this... it's like they are looking for reasons for the spouse to be unfaithful.... even with counseling my STBX still thinks this way... that he should be ALLOWED to check my stuff... well, guess what... we ALL deserve a little bit of our OWN privacy... just as they have theirs... please feel free to email me (it's listed in my profile)....
please think of your own safety....

Take care of YOU <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maria

While your husband may be insecure like KaylaAndy says, I think it’s more than that. He is abusive. The fact that he justifies his behavior and blames you for the way he acts is a HUGE warning sign. I know you want it to work, but you need to your safety the top priority. Nothing is worth your physical and emotional health.

this is the stuff lifetime movies are made of.

i think you need some counseling to get your self esteem back. and i don't mean that in a mean way, i am just feeling like you are weakened by this marriage and not feeling real confident. a strong minded person who truly cared about themselves and their well being both physically and mentally would not even entertain the thought of going back to a man like this.

good lord, he will never change. run and run fast. do not look back. i fear his possessiveness and need to control your every move will only get worse and worse until one day you won't even be allowed to leave the house. do you want to live like that? don't second guess yourself, you have done the right thing. take your life back and move on sister. leave him far far behind you.

mlhb

Freeatlast

Both my sisters and my best friend since high school have experienced DV. I just thought I'd post this from a Dear Abby column. I saw some of the things she writes about in your post. I wish you the best.


(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

Sounds like my ex although he wasn't this bad. And he was bad. All guys who commit domestic violence want to reconcile, they can't be alone. They need someone to blame their lives on... the old "look what you made me do" to excuse their behavior. My ex also wants to reconcile, it's amazing to me - he expects it to be like "magic" he's done nothing since I left him 2 years ago to change. Nothing. Because it was and is all my fault and when I "wake up" it'll all be ok. Patricia Evans has some good books on verbal abuse and controlling people - she explains that we as mates are like teddy bears that they drag around with them, they need us but dont' have a sense of reality. You can read her books for tips but the last one of hers I read she too - like most counslors who've been involved with violence in relationships, has little hope. Yes there are the exceptions, and there are some on this board - but it does appear that they are the rare ones. First of all men like this have to be willing to look at themselves, most can't even do that... it's about self growth and admitting they are wrong so things will be different. Most men who even kill their wives go to prison blaming them for their murders. This is a sickness in our society, domestic violence. Read, go to counselor and learn about this and no way in ****** go back unless you've seen some serious signs that he's changed. Like I'm sorry, sorry for what? Have him write down what, because likely he's just sorry until he gets you back... sorry.

I had a husband like him as well. Towards the end he poisoned my dogs and nearly killed me. He had a bizarre sense of entitlement and I heard "You're my WIFE" as the justification for a lot of stuff. The craziness is infectious, because you begin to buy into it.

Getting a divorce was a success story for me. I literally lived in hiding for a long time. Only close friends and family knew where I lived.

Please be very careful. One of the most dangerous times is when they know they're losing you.

Bing Bing Bing! Narcissist Alert!

Read the discussion boards and other good info at:

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/home.htm