After coming to accept life for what it is after WS had an affair. Some questions come up in retrospect.

In my case, I don't think that my WW affair was all that welll developed at the time that I found out. I went right into defensive mode. Because my WW was in such a fog, and because of the exposure to family and friends she says that she felt pressured to continue in the affair. I was unwilling to give an inch in regards to the affair. I was not going to move out of our house nor was I willing to allow her to continue to subject me and our kids to the overt actions that she immersed herslf in with the OM.

In retrospect I can almost believe that if I did not make such a big deal out of her affair from the start that it would have soon fizzled out and we would not be in the situation we are in now. (The process of D). Because I was unwilling to leave the home she left the home and moved in with the OM, Maybe if I moved out things would have been different.

Having said all of that, I am OK with my decisions, but can't help to think "What if"?????

Does anyone else believe that things may have turned out better if exposure was not part of the plan and the affair was allowed to die naturally??

RO,

I caught up on your thread today at work.. slow today.

Your exposure did not cause her to go deeper into the affair, she's telling you that to make you feel guilty.
That's the only way she can justify ripping 2 families to pieces.

Still

[color:"red"] ?? "make such a big deal" ?? [/color] .... spreading her legs for another man is not a "big deal" to you ????

just curious

let's say your premise here is correct ~~~> given no pressure to STOP her adultery, your wife tires of this guy ... and returns to the marriage ... and for awhile everything is OK .... until she meets a REALLY interesting and terrific guy ... and since screwing another fellow is "no big deal" to her loving husband, she feels there is NO REASON she should not take this new guy for a test drive .... the marriage boundary against adultery & screwing other men has not only been removed, there is essentially a green light for future infidelity because , after all, ~~~> "it's really no big deal if I f*** another guy, my husband does not mind at all"





Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

... like looking at the slippery slope, and applying grease to make the slide downward faster

This is what she wants you to believe. Don't fall for it. You are getting a D because she decided to screw some other guy. Period.


Yes, they would be different. She would have moved her boyfriend into YOUR home and lived with him there.

Don't let her make you feel guilty. She's trying to take the blame off herself. As stillhurting said, that's the only way she can justify destroying two families.
Mulan

Don't get me wrong -- I am not feeling bad about my decision to Expose, protect myself and children, and do the RIGHT thing. I guess today is just one of those down days that gets me second guessing.
Maybe because my atty called today to discuss sitch.

I do like to get the reinforcement from all of you, These thoughts all go through my head.

I am glad that someone else sees the same thing that I do.

got'cha

feeling a little raw, aren't you?

sorry

Pep

My H & I are 11 years recovered... so my "story" is old ...

but

the OW had 8 previous affairs prior to my H <~~~ number 9

basically, when I finally discovered the A, I had H confess to OW's H himself, as they had grown up friends living across the street from each other

I sat next to my H in the coffeeshop booth when he said to OW's H : "I've been having an A with (NAME) for 2 years."

do you know what OW's H said ?? ~>>> "Yeah, I know, I read your letters."

he really had come to expect this out of her .... and I think it was , in part, that he had some secrets of his own & having a WW allowed him to carry on his own dark side ....

so

My H was slack-jawed when he found out that the A was not a secret from OW's H .....

so, I have some experience here ... which explains my attitude

Pep

(((RO)))

We all have those what if days... beleive me I certainly do.

Still

RO

Those thoughts are evil driven. You, being still married to your wife and ONE with her, are being attacked by the same demons which possess her. They want you to acquiesce. They want you to feel guilty. They want you to just accept it. People get divorced all the time. Why not just be nice. You love/loved her...let her go. You should want her to be happy. Maybe OM IS her soulmate. Just be nice...you know, for the kids.

Demons be gone.

Mr. Wondering

To this day, I wish my x's parents knew about his multiple EAs. Might change some things. But, they may never know. It might have changed a few things.

It never fails to amaze me how well all of you can cut through the bull and get to what is behind the fog.
The unfortunate part is that most of you had to go through it yourselves to get to that point.

I read each of these post and find myself saying - yeah thats right - so I know that I know all of this.
Again it brings me back to the reason for being here - I don't need someone to tell me HOW to think, but it helps for others to validate, support, and give suggestions.



Re
Pep

I agree with all of this, Just the thought of this makes D seem like the best option. How does anyone ever get past that thought - even if they can save a marriage.

That image, and thought that it might happen again, must stick with the BS forever.

RO,

When you find the secret of trying to get past the movies that go in your head without getting a lobotomy let me know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It's just time.... time will heal us. Some heal quicker and some of us don't. I wish I could just fly through all of this and be on the other side whatever God has planned for me cause this going through really stinks.

Still

Yes, they would have been very different. She would have been carrying on her affair from the comfort of your home while you paid the mortgage and slept in a fleabag motel. The OM might even be sleeping your bed. Is that "different" enough for you?

One of the biggest mistakes men make - to my absolute amazement - is leave their homes to accommodate their wive's affair. Who knows why; perhaps it is Plan E. [for Enablement!] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I guess our initial reaction is one of consolation, we want to do anything and everything to make them happy with us.
Hopefully we can come out of our own fog in time. Once we can start thinking again, we can start with making good decisions.

You are right on the mark, RO. I felt the same way - me leaving would be easier, I would still have control over the situation because WW and the kids would still be in town, blah, blah, my own BS fog.

Pep and the others here kicked my butt back into my own house, and I appreciate that every day.

RO
Next time you have a chance or questioning your methods - read about another poster - Hardlesson. He had to move fast to protect his family from the 'alien'

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Quote below is a good summary -