I'v been married to my husband for close to 9 years. We have two small children and are constantly fighting. The fights are usually about how he isn't fulfilling my emotional needs. The thing is that I've always been open with him and told him what it is I need and still he is constantly dissappointing me. For the past 4-5 months I have been persistantly asking him to come to a marriage counselar but he refuses. When I ask him why he says that he just doesn't want do go and that he gives all he can to our marriage and that that should be enough. The thing is that in my eyes he isn't really trying. I 'll suggest that we go out to do something and it never...ever...happens.

So....my question is should I give up on our marriage? It seems that he has. In situations like mine when should someone start thing of divorce seriously? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Becky1, there are no easy answers. I did marriage counseling alone for a long while. The problem is when you are miserable in you marriage for a long time, you will become very vulnerable to an affair. I had been on MB for a couple of years when I had an emotional affair. I knew I was vulnerable, I knew the dangers, but a big part of me just didn’t care. Even now, I probably don’t have a lot of remorse for the pain I cause my then husband. I’m ashamed of my behavior and remorseful because it was wrong, but not because I hurt my husband. Actually, it wasn’t until he found out about the EA that he was willing to go to MC at all. But, when he went, he only wanted to “fix” me. He wasn’t interested in change at all.

So, my recommendation is to think about separation before you become so miserable and worn down and before you hate your spouse so much you don’t care.

Oh, and I recommend leaving before you get the urge to bash him over the head with a frying pan, which is when I left. I’m not violent either.

Hi Becky,

No one can answer that question for you (when to give up).It's a very personal decision and one that should not be taken lightly.

I hear you that things aren't great and that your husband doesn't seem interested in improving the marriage.That's not good and it's emotionally draining.Also,your children should not be growing up in a home where there is fighting all the time.I hope they aren't witnessing that.

My suggestion to you would be to enter counseling alone for now since your husband won't go.You need to if only for yourself to learn how to cope and to express your feelings.Once you did that,you may have a better understanding of what you want in life,how to get it and how to be sure you do everything that you can to fix the marriage the right way and then,when to let go.

A marriage takes two to make it work.If your husband never comes to the table to help,you have some tough decisions to make.You can't do this alone.Let it all start with you.Start counseling first and protect those kids.Put the divorce on the backburner for now and see what you can do to help yourself right now.Sometimes,spouses will follow your lead.

Plus check out the MB bookstore for some great reads.

Giving up is easier than keeping it going. It is the chickens way out. You think it will solve your problems and that your husband is to blame, but you are wrong. You will only carry the same troubles into your next relationship and never learn the feeling of being in a safe successful relationship. You have children and it will ruin their lives. Get the book, the proper care and feeding of husbands and learn where you are going wrong. Men these days are increasingly out of place and are struggleing with finding their place in an increasingly equal world. It is not a bad thing, it is just men are confused and need some more understanding than women seem willing to give oftentimes. Give this book a chance and understand its basic concepts. Sometimes we have to put away the past and move forward from one fresh day. Say three weeks from now after you have read the book, you forgive and let the past go and then start living for today and for your marriage. Remember why you first got together. I wish you luck and hope you don't bail on your marriage. It is a selfish and easy solution, but when you are old and dying, you will look back on your life and regret that you could not have worked it out, divorce is like a cancer. Beat the cancer. Make a good day!

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I am sorry but I must disagree with staying married. Giving up is sometimes the best choice and it is a very painful decision to make. It is not easy at all. Sometimes staying in an unhealthy marriage will be even more destructive for both partners. Who is more of a chicken? The one who decides to stay in a marriage that is not healthy and that is destructive because he/she is afraid of being alone? Or the one that gives up because he/she feels that cannot take on more pain? It is hard to answer. I guess it all depends on how you see it based on your personal circumstances. When to give up? It is really personal. I would say the right moment to give up is when you cannot stretch you boundaries anymore. The time when you know that you cannot compromise a little more because you will betray and damage yourself if you do so. It is all about how far you can stretch your boundaries. Whatever you choose though, you must do a lot of soul searching to understand why are you in this situation. One thing I totally agree with staying married is that if you do not solve these problems you will carry them into your next relationship aka your husband or some else.

Right on casad!

Stayingmarried's post is filled with blanket generalities and silly platitudes. Divorce is not always the "easiest" course or the wrong course. Nor will reading a book solve all your problems. Beware of such black-and-white, overly simplistic views.

Granted, people tend to give up too easily. It does not logically follow then that giving up is the wrong thing to do. Every situation is different. It may be helpful to get some advice from a trained and experienced counselor to evaluate your particular situation.

Staying married does have some points. The OP poster is blaiming her husband for not meeting "her" needs. Maybe her needs are not reasonable (we don't know what they are) but she is considering destroying the marriage based on that????? That is like throwing the baby out with the bath water. Maybe that is why we have so many marriages in this country and still a lot of unhappiness. I have know a lady with 6 husbands and the names are all different but the game is the same.

I have found that if I want my husband to do something with me, rather than generalities, I need to offer specifics. So, rather than complaining, "We never go anywhere", I might say "I want to go out to the lake this weekend. How about we leave early saturday and spend the day. We can take x, y, etc".

In other words, I'm not putting the burden on him to come up with the suggestion. In most cases my dh is happy to oblige, and has a good time.