I am not really in a divorce nor in a separation. My H has no idea how bad this is but I am beginning to feel totally unhappy in my marriage.
I am sure it is not his problem. I don't know WHOSE problem it is, or possibly it is nobody's problem but I am totally unhappy and I don't know why.
Children don't give a damn about what I say; as a result they don't do what they are asked to at home and, since I do not have money to pay someone to do it, I have to do it or live in their mess.
H is ok but his idea of an exciting evening is watching TV. We never go out. If we do, it's never his initiative. He tries to help around the house, is faithful (I think); all in all a good man and a good husband although, you know, nobody's perfect.
So why do I feel like I want to run away or maybe die???
I cannot stand the sight of them any more.
I am 43, been married for 22 years and in love with my H' brother (which, actually, is one of the things that is making me want to leave: because I mean, how f***ed up can one be to fall in love with one's brother in law after 22 years of knowing him???).

I just want to shut the front door and never go back.

I do not have money to get therapy.
I have no family where I live. All the family and friends I have are Husband's family or friends.
I am very, truly unhappy.
I have tried to talk with H but he thinks everything is ok and why should I be unhappy? The truth is, I just don't know. there are so many women out there much worse off than me...

Sorry this is so long


Bubblebath

A good start would be to read everything Dr. Harley has posted free of charge on his main web site. There you can begin to learn about his Marriage Builder's philosophy and begin to understand a lot of what is going on (and wrong) in your life. Well at least I found it all to be very helpful. Your next step should then begin to initiate a dialog with your husband concerning your marriage. That can be a tough step to do alone so you might want to consider marriage counseling. I know counseling costs money but it can be a good investment if you want to save your marriage. You might not exactly feel like doing that right now, but to be honest you bare some of the blame for your current situation. You have communicated to your husband that it is acceptable for him to neglect your emotional needs. You probably did this with the best of intentions, but the message has been out there for quite some time. That needs to stop. Perhaps you can include him in reading Dr. Harley's writings with you. His book "His Needs, Her Needs" is geared toward being used by couples. You could buy it and read it first and then begin trying to impliment it with him and get him to read it and fill out some of the questionaires it contains. You can use that as a tool to help the two of you repair your marriage.

Right now your marriage is in dire jeopardy and you both need to take drastic steps to rectify this situation. This web site can offer you some solid and direct steps to start moving in the right direction. Good luck.

Hello BB,

Does the brother know how you feel and is he reciprocating?

If so the first thing you need to do is admit to this emotional affair (EA) you are having with your husbands' brother and end it right away.It's no wonder you sound so down about your marriage and want to flee.Your husband cannot help you if he doesn't know about the affair.That needs to end even if you are the only one interested.You are putting all your energy into that "relationship" instead of where it belongs.

And,you need to figure out what it is you really want in life.Boredom,lack of self esteem,lack of other interests in your life other than marriage,etc can all lead to poor choices in life to help solve (temporarily) those feelings.

As much as this site and the people on it are not "professionals" I do think many people here give terrific free advice in lieu of counseling.If you check out the General Questions II board of infidelity then you will get a lot of help/support there but keep in mind it may not all be comfortable to hear.This is a marriage builders site.We will try to help you get your marriage back on track.

AmericanB,
«Does the brother know how you feel and is he reciprocating?»
We have never talked about it, but I am sure he feels the same. The signs are so many I wound't know where to start from. I am sure my brother in law, like me, does NOT want to start an affair and does NOT want to hurt his little brother.

I could never tell my husband. That would hurt him so! It would also destroy the wonderful relation he has with his older brother.

Even if you are not sure that your brother in law (BIL) feels the same,look back at what you said: you fell in love with him.You are in love with another man.That is an emotional affair BB.It will wreck all that you have if you continue to let that go on.And sorry to say,most times the only way to fix things is what we call No Contact (NC).If the BIL is married too then that family is at risk as well.

Listen,the bottom line here is this: your marriage is in big trouble.If you aren't going to be honest about what is going on ( which I don't agree with),then you at least have to be honest with your husband about your feeling poorly about the marriage so he knows and maybe you both can work at making things better together.He doesn't know how bad things are really.You've not been honest.And the kids issue is another problem but the marriage takes priority right now in my book.Your kids will be very much affected by a divorce and you are headed in that direction.

Please think about talking openly with your husband.Yes it will hurt him but right now you are living a lie which does neither of you any good.And keep in mind,the emotions that go along with being involved in an inappropriate relationship can weigh heavily,not just the good feelings you may derive from it.You stand to lose quite a lot if you continue to let your feelings be directed toward the BIL.

Check out the GQII board if you can and get some support there ok? If you cannot afford counseling,at least do some reading here,read the concepts and get some reading material (we have an MB bokstore right here).

Good luck and keep posting.It can help to talk to other's about what you are going through.

BB,

First of all, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I would repeat what Broom has already said: Read the basic concepts. Read some of the articles. Read the Q&A columns. When you read, I would ask that you keep an open mind and try to be sure you really understand what you are reading. I don't say this to belittle you, but because so many come here and read a few things and begin trying to fix their life without really understanding. It makes things worse in the short run and makes a real mess for a long time.

What you describe is an emotional affair. (EA) I am assuming that you have not acted on your feelings for BIL as of yet. If that is true, I would ask that you not do so. If you have told him and he has responded in kind, you have made for a situation that will get really nasty.

You have a tremendous amount of stress in your life and feel like if you could just walk away, all of it would be gone. The truth is that running from what you are going through will not solve any problems you already have and will likely create some you can't imagine in your worst nightmares.

If you read the Q&A columns on this site you will find a series about how affairs start and how they should end etc. Please read through these. If you do move your story over to the General Questions II forum under Infidelity, you are going to get a lot of responses. What you are likely to hear will seem like attacks. That is not any one's intent, but this is Marriage Builders and the goal of almost everyone here is to restore, repair and recover broken marriages.

So that you can become familiar with the abbreviations and such, I'd recommend that you also read the post at the top of the Just Found Out forum having to do with these things. It will cause much less confusion for you if you know what all of these abbreviations mean. It's sort of like talking to a lawyer or doctor...you gotta know what the terms are if you want to know what the heck they are saying.

For what it is worth, my wife (W) had and EA about a year ago. It was devastating to me and our relationship mainly because she had previous affairs and I was so certain we were beyond all of that. She was experiencing a serious case of what is known around here as the fog of an affair or just fog and was ready to throw away 33 years together for a guy that is a serial cheater, has a drinking problem and a host of other issues. I only say this to show you that you aren't the first in your situation and won't be the last and that what you are experiencing is not as unique as it feels.

Please do some reading and I will check back here later.

Just so you know, your feelings about the marriage are probably mostly due to the EA with BIL, not the other way around. I know that doesn't seem possible right now, but if you stay here long enough, you will begin to see that.

Mark

Mark, thank you very much for your input. I really appreciate it.
To reply to some of your questions: I am not sure what you mean by acting on the feelings for BIL: he has never made an obvious move and we have never talked about this. It’s just the way he holds my hand, the way we hug, the exchanged glances, the way he is always trying to be with us. He and my husband come from an extremely Catholic and conservative family and I am sure he would never do anything to hurt his brother, at least not as a conscious choice.

What you say re the feelings about my marriage being the result of the EA maybe right but what bothers me is I am sure no woman in a healthy marriage would fall head over heels for her BIL after 20 years; so this tells me my marriage is NOT a healthy one. Does this make sense?

Something else also bothers me and that is that I have known BIL for 20 years, I have always known he felt attracted to and liked me and I have been in love with him for almost 2 years now. What I mean is this has been slowly creeping up on me (us?). Sort of, the longer the feelings take to develop the more difficult it is to shake them off, do you know what I mean?

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

It is brave and wise of you to come here and be so honest with us.

Next, you need to be brave and honest with yourself and your husband.

I'm going to sound harsh, so I'm warning you ahead of time. I think it's time for a reality check since you've been having these thoughts for 20 years.


You are, and have been, having an emotional affair.

Your marriage never had a chance as long as you harboured these thoughts about your BIL. I really, really feel sorry for your H. He must know *something* has been going on behind his back for years.

The first thing you need to do is TAKE RESPONSIBILITY and call this what it is - infidelity. Then you need to be honest with your H... and yes, it will be difficult... yes, it will be painful... but HE needs the chance to figure out what HIS marriage to you means if you've been dishonest for the last 20 years. This is HIS marriage, too.

Sorry, I got cut off and stopped abruptly... I'm on lunch at work and have only a limited time to write.

The thing is, Bubblebath... you know the truth. When you logged into a site called Marriage Builders, you knew we'd be Pro-Marriage, of course, and even a cursory reading here tells you that we take a very hard line on infidelity.

Emotional affairs are just as (if not more so) devistating to marriages - make no mistake!

Just think about these things now, and let us know what you think...

Try not to react... take some time... and think...

Again, welcome...

BB,

What you need to realize is that what you are feeling and the way you are acting is right out of the affair 101 manual. It only feels unique. Is it common for a women to fall for her BIL, more common than you might think. The question that needs to be answered is this, does falling in love with one's BIL ever end up being something that is right and just? The answer is, NOPE!

Dr Harley does not teach that love is a magical feeling that we are helpless to resist. It is instead, something that happens under certain conditions and if your BIL meets those conditions, then you feel in love with him. Notice that I did not say fall, but feel. Falling happens by gravity and cannot be helped, the other is under our control.

When you hold the love as magic viewpoint, you have little choice but to jump from relationship to relationship, since the falling in love feeling cannot be sustained long term. Having romantic feelings for someone not your spouse does not make the marriage wrong, it makes the feelings wrong.

Mark