Could anyone help. WW is looking for closure and she and I decided to write a letter to OM and OM's W.

1) good idea?
2) any samples?

Here is what the Harley's suggest - no contact letter -

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

TY believer. I read that, but couldn't remember where. I just got surviving an affair yesturday, and haven't started.

Anyone have any samples? It would be a great help.

RatMeat,

Regardless of what emotions and feelings I shared with you, you were the worst mistake of my entire life. I shake with anger and remorse whenever I think about the decisions I made with you. I not only ask you to understand and respect the conviction that I am stating this with, I demand it. Do not EVER try to contact me again, in any state, in any fashion, any attempts to do so will be followed up by a restraining order and harrassment charges. I have sent this letter certified mail to ensure that it is being received by you, to demonstrate that I am serious about what I have said. And yes, this is an emotionless letter, and this is the closure you get. You haven't earned anything. You have only stolen from my husband, and have no rights to anything that has anything to do with me or my family.

Goodbye.

RookKev, really???

I don't think my WW has feelings of anger yet. She is still in withdrawl. I think she loved him. I don't see that letter happening. Is that really the form they are supposed to take.

I think I am in trouble :-(

ABS,

How are you? listen.........you are in a much better place than you were before. Make sure that whatever you do ................let her know that you are a support to her now more than ever......think of it from the other side.............what ifshe thinks " he is just waiting for me to cut ties then dump me?" and all the negative stuff?

In saying that i agree with Rooks letter. It has to be convincing and shows a united front.............a slap in the face of the OM. Of course she may feel repulsed by it and dont "want to hurt" anybody else........(as if enough isnt done already) but with gentle explanation and care she may come around to posting it. Whatever you do .....do it gently to her. Let her feel your security..and love.

You are strong my man..........and waaaaaaay ahead of the game.

Nuff luv from Jamaica.

AND please read SAA!........It will do so much for you in understanding the mechanics of an A as well as dismantelling it.

abacusdog,

Maybe I was just a tiny bit over the top. BUT, WHAT IF YOUR WIFE HAD PENNED THAT LETTER, AND ASKED YOU TO PROOF IT? What would that have done FOR YOU? How many deposits in YOUR LOVE BANK would that have made?

Even if deep down inside she didn't feel that way, she would be demonstrating to her own emotions that her ship isn't being guided by squishy come and go feelings anymore...she would be acting on principles again, making decisions based on things we know (and thus why we memorize scripture)... and not on things we feel. It doesn't matter if I feel like I love my wife today or not, and you know what, following a day of posting on MB, I generally have done my own huge share of spending from my wife's deposits in my own love bank --- ( does that make sense- a BS posting in MB can actually withdraws work that their spouse has done in the deposits, because of the emotional triggers) --- but, it doesn't matter what I feel... I KNOW I LOVE MY WIFE. My actions can then be directed by that knowledge. Who really cares if your angry right now. You know what, you can be angry, and still buy your wife some flowers (Tulips are blooiming, and they are such happy flowers---hint guys hint), and give her the flowers, and tell her you love her, and you can still BE ANGRY! --- oh, and good luck still being angry...this is the process of acting your way to an emotion. Which is much easier than feeling your way to action...

Did that make sense? Try this out, give your wife some flowers, see how she responds...see if you can make it all the way to bedtime without fighting...and then let's hear what happens. And, maybe nothing will happen...but you don't really care do you...you love your wife.

Back to the letter. It just needs to identify that no contact means no contact. There is no such thing as closure. Closure is death, and even then, the one left alive has all these new 'what ifs'... think about it.

Here was my wife's closure. I got a phone call saying the OM had shown up at my house. When I got home that night I told her very simply, that he would only make that mistake ever once again, because after that, I would make sure he could never do it again. My patience, and forgiveness was at it's limit. I had endured to my point. I STILL MEAN IT. That is closure, at least for me.

-hang in there

My WW pretty much refused. Said it wasn't her. Since I thought that somehow we just were not communicating it... I wrote one as an example. Here it is...

"Regardless of the emotions or feelings I have shared with you, I need you to understand you were the worst mistake of my life. My relationship with you was a cruel and selfish indulgence built on lies. I love my husband. I would never love your or receive love from you that would represent even a fraction of the true love I receive from my family.

While I can never completely repair the damage I have caused or completely repay my husband for the pain I have selfishly inflicted on him, I move forward with the peace and clarity of knowing my heart, soul, sprit and body speak with one voice. You are my painful past. My family is my bright future. I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing and I will no longer do anything to risk their happiness, or mine with them. I love my husband will all my heart and he loves me with his.

My happiness with you was a lie. My actions cruel and self-indulgent.

I will not make any further contact with you. I don't want to speak to, email, text, meet, or even see you again. Stay out of my life, and in return I will stay out of yours."

When I showed her, she flipped. She all but refused to write anything so "hurtful". She said if she were to write something, it would start "thank you for getting me through the rough times" or some such nonsense. Then she reverted to having to speak with the OM to get closure. I got a little weak and suggested she call him RIGHT NOW while I listened on the other phone, but she said it was not something that I could be a part of. That the A was between two people and the closure must be between 2 people.

Since then (Sunday morning), it has been quite icy. I made her promise that she would not do anything until Tuesday's therepy session. I have packed my bag and left it in the trunk of my car.

Am I doomed for plan B?????

Perhaps, but the reality is she is in withdrawal not recovery right now. To her the affair was a good thing, it served her purposes. And given that she feels the affair was between two people (her and OM) and did not include you, I can tell you she is still in the fog.

What she does not seem to grasp right now is the marriage was between two people (you and her) and she brought another man into it. So you are in fact part of the affair dynamics and do have a say.

I would hang in there continue plan A, but not push NC letter. If she continues to refuse, and counselor can not make any headway, and your plan A cannot make any headway, then plan B is in order. But, remember plan B is not about her, or influencing her. It is about protecting your love while the affair continues. If you drain the love bank, you will not be able to recover, so plan B is about slowing down the draining, by removing YOU from the day to day drama. It is not about influencing her at all. It may influence her, but don't bet on it.

Please read more carefully about plan a and plan B and their roles. It is very important that you understand them. Basically, neither plan is about really stopping the affair. It is about working on the BS,and showing the WS that there is a path back. It is about working with the FACT that most affairs die and you are offering a way back if/when it dies.

The basic assumption here is that affairs die, if exposed to the light of day, and really they do it on their own time. You have no control over your W, just how you react to her.

So calm down a bit, and keep working plan a. You are right NC is a big thing but it must come in its time. She knows you want it, you can make it a boundary before you really will commit to working on the marriage, and certainly a requirement for coming out of plan B if/when you get there.

Please think about this and read/reread the articles on plan a and plan b.

God Bless,

JL

(i'm re-ordering a bit,i think to probably reflect the real timeline...)


Telling her what to write, isnt going to fly.

What would you like her to write ABOUT, and WHY?

Tell her those things.
Then see what she comes up with on her own.

If she doesnt want to come up with anything... then she wouldnt be willing to stick to no contact anyway, I would think. the letter would be meaningless.


possible example for YOU to say:

"[Wife],
you have asked for closure... I also need 'closure'. I need to feel like your affair with [OM] is fully over.
Isnt that what "closure" is? to put a CLOSE to something. to END it, not reopen it with long discussions.

I am asking you to write a letter to OM, signifying that you are done with your relationship to him. I would like you to indicate to him that your relationship with him was a mistake, and that you do not want to have anything further to do with him, in order to work on our marriage.

I feel that any language "thanking him", or in any way showing appreciation for him , would be giving an indication to him that you do not view it as a mistake, and are glad that you chose to have an affair with him, instead of building up our marriage. If that is your viewpoint, then I worry that you will resume your relationship with him. I need closure from this worry. "

Abacusdog,

"Closure" is just wayward spouse speak for getting additional contact with the OP. Don't fall for it. If she won't agree to writing a NC letter that is not hurtful to you, then it is better to encourage her to keep up the NC and continue to work her way through withdrawal. The horrible feelings of withdrawal are driving her to want this "closure" (i.e., contact) with the OM.