Plan B, Sue. Plan B.

Write your letter and post it here before you give it to him.
Mulan

Just read through this...my heart truly goes out to you, I've been there, done that, still doing it, and waiting for the t-shirt.

Have you considered getting on anti-depressants? Dr. Harley himself recommends it to help with the anxiety and panic attacks.

You've gotten a ton of great advice here, it's just a matter of hunkerin' down and picking a plan and executing it. It is SIMPLE, but is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. Again, don't let your emotions control your behavior. Vent here, pray, cry and let it all out when you're alone, but in regards to dealing with your WH, EXECUTE THE PLAN.

Read the books suggested, they really clarify a lot about what you're going through. You are not alone in all this, and sadly, A's are commonplace. Learn from the common wisdom here.

If you want to save your M, it will take the PATIENCE of Job, and is a HERCULEAN effort. Your M didn't get to this point overnight, so it won't be saved overnight either. HUNKER DOWN, you're in for the rollercoaster ride of your life that will take a LONG TIME.

You CAN DO THIS! God Bless, I'll be praying for you.

This is the letter I gave him on 3/27 in an attempt to Plan B. So i just don't know about sending it again!

I love you! I know that you will always have a place in my heart since I do have a such a great love for you after all we’ve gone through.

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart

The past three months have been a difficult time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. My anger and bitterness are too great for me to handle. I cannot continue to live a “normal” life with you and pretend to be happy. I am so sad and so miserable right now and I truly need to get a grip. I feel hurt and pain when I don't know where you are, and it drives me crazy. We have damaged our foundation of trust and respect. That is why I ask to be totally separated and have no contact.

I am going to take this time apart to try and get rid of my negativity and constant dwelling on the past. I need to let go, release myself of the burden and forgive – forgive myself and you – for my sake!

For this to happen I ask for no contact, unless it’s an emergency. It is very important to me that you respect my no contact request., please direct all communication to Melissa or Erica.

We’ve had many difficult issues over the past few years, and they put a tremendous strain on our relationship and we both gave up and we both needed to escape. I take responsibility for the problems that I contributed in our relationship and as I’ve demonstrated over the past 3 months I’m able to make an effort to rebuild our marriage and no longer neglect your needs. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

You know that I could consider reconciliation and maybe someday you will consider it as well. I still hold onto Hope and won’t take the opportunity to reconcile lightly and hope you wouldn’t either.
For reconciliation to happen we would need to agree to the following before making a commitment to reconcile:

-We would both need to make a 6 month commitment to make an effort at restoring our marriage.
-Attend Weekly Marriage Counseling
-You would need to stop all communication/contact with Sam immediately and forever
-You would need to move back home
-I would Move my mother to her own residence and get 24 hour care; this would give us our privacy again.
-Finish the 11th street house, sell it or refinance it and rent it out.
-You would need to be accountable for your time
-We would need to become more involved as a family
-You need to open your own bank account and take responsibility for your share of bills
-We would need to make our relationship a priority and spend more time together as a couple

As Erica said: “Its not about the fall, it’s about how you pick yourself back up that matters.” So Phil how are you going to pick yourself up from this? . What are you waiting for?

If you want to come home to your Mother than you need to go back to Michigan, but if you want to come home to the Woman you Married than you need to get your head together and be honest.

My hopes are to someday bring our family back together. The process of getting us to that point is up to you. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your actions and commitment to your own personal recovery and healing.

Good Luck

IMO, this Plan B letter is way too long and complex and convoluted and complicated. Odds are he won't even read it and if he did I'm not sure he'd get the message. I'd suggest something like this:


This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now.

The past (three months) have been a difficult time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. My anger and bitterness and pain resulting from your relationship with Sam have become too great for me to handle.

I cannot continue to live a “normal” life with you, nor can I pretend to be happy, when you are ignoring me for another woman. This is why I have now chosen to be totally separated from you and have no further contact with you unless and until you permanently and forever end your relationship with Sam.

If there is a real emergency, you can direct all communication to Melissa or Erica.

I am willing to take responsibility for the problems that I contributed in our relationship, and as I’ve demonstrated over the past 3 months I am willing to make an effort to rebuild our marriage and no longer neglect your needs. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, I truly believe we can get past it.

If you make the choice to to stop all communication/contact with Sam immediately and forever, then I am willing to discuss reconciliation with you - but until she is permanently gone from your life, it is far too painful and humiliating for me to have any contact with you.

My desire is to bring our family back together in committment, respect and love. I can only hope that you feel the same way.

************************
Mulan

Thanks, this is great.

Now when should I send it to him, I was going to sen via email. I sent him an email earlier about some banking and general finance stuff. Should I wait to send this next week or what do you think. I may run him tomorrow at our daughters parade in town.

Thanks so much for your help and support. I'm really feeling much better.

Do not send that letter until you are certain you can handle Plan B.

Plan B is not something you are asking your husband to do. You should never find yourself posting something like, "I asked him to do Plan B but he just won't!"

Plan B is something that YOU choose to do and that YOU enforce.

Besides the letter, what steps have you taken to make sure there is no contact between you? It sounds like you have intermediaries - that's good. But have you blocked his email and his phone numbers? Have you thought of what you will do if he shows up on your doorstep? Please let us know what plans you have for things like that. Make sure all of this is ready before you go to Plan B.

And send a hard-copy letter that he can hold in his hand - not just an email.

Finally, before starting Plan B read LilSis's Plan B thread - it's here on the first page of GQII. You could also look up Mimi's Plan B thread from a few years ago. Both will help you know what to do and what to expect.

Plans are everything.
Mulan

I saw WH at parade on Saturday, he was charming. Very nice hugged, kissed me, talked. I asked him if he read my Bank letter and he said yes we can talk about it later. He said he was coming to town on Monday and could he spend the night. I said I don't think so, he said oh we will talk again.

WH called me Sunday night and said I can give you a ride to work on Tues morning (if I spend the night), I told him I can't see him anymore this is killing me its not right.

He hung up, and than the phone rings again, he says I've been figuring myself out over the past few weeks and I know that "I Love You and I want try at our marriage" I'm sorry for what I did and I Love You. I still need to work out a few things and stop seeing OW and I will. But I wanted you to know that "I Love You and be with you" We have history together. I told him that I've waited along time to here that and it felt good. I said that I felt he was very connected to the OW and he was addicted to her. He said I'm not as connected as you think.

NOW WHAT DO I DO? I'm trying no contact and its hard

Do I leave him alone for a while? Do I write him a letter? Do I give him the revised Plan B letter? What do I do? I'm hopeful he never said this before it was always I don't know what I want, Or I don't want to be married right now?

I've been reading MiMi's thread and it sounds so much like what I'm experiencing,

I need help.

Thanks,

Sounds like he is continuing to cake eat to me. Mine was the same way - OW would be, could be, should be gone, blah, blah, blah.

He is tossing you some crumbs so that you will stay interested. Don't buy it.

That doesn't mean he won't come back, but please ignore what he says and watch what he DOES.

Exactly what believer said.

He is just talking - there's no action whatsoever. He's just trying to make sure you are still dangling.

Tell him you're glad to hear that he's "thinking about" ending it with the OW. Hand him your Plan B letter and tell him that when he really has ended it - and has a NC letter ready for you to mail - then you will talk to him.

Not before.

Again, he is nothing but sweet-talk. Until he actually DOES something, Plan B is your best friend.
Mulan

apparently you are not knowledgeable about Plan B

Mimi's plan RAWKED because she knew what she was supposed to do & she did it .... and Mimi called Steve Harley and got THE MASTER to help her build her plan ... I suggest you make that call as well

Thank you Mulan and Pep, I just called and made an appointment with Steve for next Monday morning. I hope he can give me the direction I need so badly.

I don't plan to see or talk to my WH anymore. It is so hard I feel like I'm going though withdrawals. I sent him an email and told NO MORE CONTACT, I referred him to my Plan B letter.

I need to get a life, I'm just can't stop obsessing about him and OW.