I've been on Plan A for about four months now. In some ways I see progress - my wife sees I am more open with her, more attentive to her needs, etc. I have been tracking her emails and, for awhile, I noticed a definite decline in her openness to the OM.

Unfortunately our family situation has been very difficult of late - finances are tough, we have two teenagers that can be a living ****** at times to raise. Just the other day her van broke down, leaving her with no transportation other than me taking her to/from work.

All this pressure has me concerned - she has done an about face, contacting him daily, asking me for "private time" on the computer (which she uses to contact him).

I'm concerned about this direction this is heading, and that it may change from what has been an EA into a PA. She recently found out where he lives and drove by to see (I know this from her emails). She also had him drive her home from work one day, telling me it was her female friend who drove her home). So now he knows where she lives too. It seems like things are progressing in the wrong direction, brought on by the strain we are going through in our home life with finances, kids etc.

My question - should I abort Plan A at this point and progress to Plan B? I have come extremely close to walking out on her on a couple of occasions - only by God's grace was I able to hold it in and not lose it. I'm concerned that if I give Plan A the full six months the affair will become a PA. If that happens I will probably lose it and more than likely leave her, possibly for good. I love her, but don't know if I could deal with the hurt.

I have all the information on the OM I need if necessary - his name, address, phone. I had thought about contacting his wife, but he is an older gentleman, his wife has heart problems, and I'm afraid what the shock of his infidelity might do to her. I thought about contacting him and telling him stay away or else (basicly bluffing to tell his wife).

I need suggestions - I'm afraid of losing control at this point, and don't want to do anything stupid that may destroy my chances of restoring our relationship!

bump for help!

tld, I am not sure what you are doing but it sure isn't Plan A. I don't see you doing Plan A at all since you haven't lifted a finger to stop the affair. What have you done to STOP the affair?

And what in the world would motivate your W to stop her affair? I see nothing here except enabling and facilitating of the affair.

Doing absolutely NOTHING will probably destroy any chance of restoring your marriage. As you can see, this affair is just getting more and more entrenched because you are doing nothing. WHY?

OMG, you are giving your own wife "private time" to carry on her affair?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You are her ENABLER, TLD.

no

you're just giving in to your fear

it is not about OM's wife ... don't even try that

without warning

call OM's wife
she has a cancer eating her marriage ... YOU know it is there ... but you keep it a secret from her ... but you want to call this a kindness .... ??? nope

expose

call her
tell her

then gird your loins for the rath of your wife

Pep

Not sure what you mean by "giving in to my fear" - believe me, if this woman's health wasn't an issue she would have been the first to know. One of the reasons the OM is attracted to my wife is, according to him, he can't have sex with his wife because of her condition. She is in her 70's so I doubt he is making this up.

I take it you don't think threatening to expose him will help? I do have plenty of emails to use as proof I can expose him if necessary.

She needs to be told ASAP, tld. You are doing her no favors by not telling her this pertinent information. You need to start doing some work here or you are going to lose your marriage.

Wow, first off thanks to everyone who has responded! Perhaps I need to give some background on this whole sordid mess. I must admit in my desire to believe in my wife that I have made some major mistakes, which hopefully you good people will spank me and set me on the straight path! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This all started back in December when she decided to change her email password. Normally I have full access to her account because she receives emails that I need to check when she needs assistance. She used a lame excuse that her friend recommended she change it frequently. Trusting fool that I am, I assumed she would eventually tell me the new password. What concerned me was when she suddenly started staying up late hours - she normally is an early-nighter. This went on for about a week before I finally gave in to my suspicions and spied on her (being an IT tech for 20+ years helps!). Needless to say I was stunned by what I was reading – talking about wanting him to touch her, but not wanting to hurt him or his wife, nor betray her vows to me. He, on the other hand, has no qualms about cheating, telling her how much she wants her and how she should not fear giving in to her desires.

To her credit she has spurned his advances for the most part. She enjoys the passion he seems to generate, yet tells him she could never bring herself to actually have sex out of a need to maintain her "honor" (I know, don't go there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). One early email that particularly got to me was when she said "she dreamed of lying naked in his arms". I stewed on this for a day before I lost it and confronted her. Her reaction was to claim that he was just a good friend and what she meant was just that he was an older gentleman and she felt like a child to him - that the closeness was like a grandfather to a granddaughter.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt but continued to spy on her. On the advice of a friend, I emailed the both of them, telling them I knew what was going on, and that the conversations of a personal nature must stop "or else". The shock to my wife resulted in her coming to me crying, claiming I was her life, that she never could nor would have sex with anyone but me. We then had a wonderful evening culminated in making love - I felt good about what I had done, and believed things would go back to "normal" now.

Things were fine for about a week or so - no emails to or from, we were getting along fine. I found MB and started reading about Plan A/B and followed the recommendations about trying to meet her emotional needs, etc. Things seemed to be great – she was opening up to me, I to her, and all seemed well. Then one day around New Years she asked me if she could send him an email because he had been ill - she just wanted to make sure he was ok. I figured this would be a good test to see if she had indeed changed, so I ok'ed the one email. Mistake! She then used that as an excuse to start up conversations again - slowly at first, but building over time. The conversations were more "platonic" at first, probably because of fear of being discovered. Again, I started to stew, until about a week later I blew my stack and confronted her yet again. She apologized profusely and said that she had used my ok to start conversations again, and that if it bothered me she would stop and that it "just wasn't worth it" to continue. This remorse lasted for about all of an hour before I could see her become uncomfortable, and left to go visit her female friend (which I confirmed by a phone call).
She then went through about a week of abstinence - no emails, no contact as far as I knew. I could see the strain, feel her struggling with herself. She is a very passionate woman, but her sexuality has not been a major issue in 24 years of marriage. Because of all the turmoil going on in our lives right now, the strain has affected us both. I suffered from a long period of depression which affected my desire; that may have played a major role in her change of attitude. She is also close to the age of menopause, so her hormones are probably doing a number on her as well.

Anyway I digress - after her week off, she slowly started sneaking emails out to him again (or so she thought). This last week she has contacted him every day and, as I mentioned, she got a ride home from him and also drove past his house. I can see her weakening - in the past she was always a strong woman, but life lately seems to have worn down her once-strong will.

I know how much it means to her to have friends to talk to - I am not the greatest conversationalist, and she talks quite naturally (once she talked to a wrong phone number for over an hour!). She has had lots of male friends in the past and there has never been an issue - I trusted her completely and she never betrayed that trust.It kills me to see us both riding this emotional rollercoaster - her as she fights against her desires, me struggling with the conflict of protecting our relationship without becoming an overbearing, controlling husband.

I guess I am just too forgiving – I am building inside for a final blow – the ultimatum I should have given from the beginning. I have avoided it because I want her to be faithful to me out of love, not out of fear that I will leave her.

This is getting a bit long - I can provide more details as we discuss this. Let the spanking begin!

Did you read any of our posts?

Followup - I went back over the Plan A article, and found what probably best describes my current situation:

"Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B. "

This is why I raised the original question of going to Plan B. I still have two months left on the original Plan A, and worry about possible EA>PA consequences during this time.

Yes I did, thank you all. I have already concluded that I need to contact his wife. I guess I am still at the information gathering stage, so that when I go forth I will hopefully have all the answers I need.

cool, just let us know when you are ready to work on saving your marriage and stop facilitating the affair. You are far from the point of doing Plan B. Plan A comes first and you haven't done that yet. Just keep us posted when you are ready to get to work and we can support you.

Do you have Surviving an Affair?

Here is a good outline of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

No, I don't have it, I've mainly been reading the articles on the MB site. I'll admit I'm doing a poor job on Plan A, letting my emotions get the best of me. I am re-reading the articles here along with searching the forums. I appreciate any recommendations you folks send my way.

tld, the biggest problem I see in your situation is that you have not exposed the affair or done anything to combat it. Instead you have facilitated it at every turn. And it will get worse until you start taking some action here.

Plan A does not stand for [censored] kissing, the goal is to facilitate an end to the affair by doing everything in your power to bust it up. Pepperband's outline above best describes Plan A.

That begins with exposure. Exposure is the most potent weapon you have in your hands. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure ruins the affair. No one wants to have an affair when everyone is looking on with disgust. We have had affairs end THE VERY DAY they were exposed. There are no guarantees, of course, but exposure will inflict a huge blow to the affair at the very least.

It is best to make up a list of good exposure targets and expose in one fell swoop to get the maximum impact. Good targets would be:

1. OM's wife
2. your W's parents
3. close siblings
4. close friends
5. pastor
6. employer, if a workplace affair

Everyone should know about the affair.

Exposure will make your W furious. But your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair. The goal here, after all, is to save your marriage, not avoid making your W angry at all costs.

Surviving an Affair will give you a comprehensive understanding of the dynamics of adultery so it is a must read.

Trying. I cook, do laundry, take care of our four Great Danes. The biggest conflict is dealing with our two teenagers, who create a lot of angst. My 15 year old daughter has been a handful - last night she snuck out with a friend, but thankfully a local police officer caught them out after curfew and brought them home. The strain on my wife in dealing with this has been tremendous.


My biggest issue is that I'm a lousy communicator - although this ordeal has loosened me up a bit. She loves talking to people, drawing off their life experiences - particularly older folks and the stories they tell. Unfortunately i don't have any more "tales" to tell after 24 years of marriage. It's hard to sound exciting going up against WWII stories vs.what I did at work today.


Again, trying. She wants me to be more assertive with the kids.


Check.


I’m ok with this until the pressure builds and I lose it as detailed previously. Have to work on that.




I really don’t know what else to do. At one point I was working 3 jobs to meet our financial needs, along with the other things I do above. I’m working on improving in the communication and sex departments, which is where the main problems lie.


Always.


The stick of Plan A



To be honest I’ve tried a couple of half-hearted efforts on this – I didn’t go far enough, out of my desire to believe this relationship was what she claimed it to be.


All excellent points that I need to follow.




I think I’ve done most of the carrot, sounds like I need to apply some stick!

tld, this thing is going to come to blows one way or the other. It can come to blows on your TERMS before it gets worse, or it can come to blows on HER TERMS after the affair is allowed to EVOLVE to a higher level.

Right now this out of control boat is in the care of control of a crazed person,[your WS] and will stay that way until you grab the wheel.

As you can see, this affair is evolving, and will continue to do so unless some effective, meaningful action is taken. One way or another this is going to come to a head, though. That can happen NOW, before any physical adultery takes place, or it can happen LATER, after it has evolved to a physical affair. Take your pick.

Just be assured that the appeasement approach that you have been following will avail you nothing. It might be the easiest way, but it is the most INEFFECTIVE WAY, and will not save your marriage.

Take the wheel, tld, before this boat crashes on the rocks. There is ample opportunity here to save your marriage, all you have to do is take the wheel.

Thanks so much! From what I've read, it sounds like I've done most of the "carrot" part of the plan and almost none of the "stick". I initially confronted them both via email, which had the effect of slowing things down and cutting back on some of their openness. I guess it's time to stop pussyfooting around and go for the slam dunk. I just need to formulate my plan before I go forth.

When exposing to his wife, do you have a recommended method? I don't want to kill this poor woman by giving her a heart attack when I reveal this relationship!

You got it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


You won't kill her. You are doing her a favor by giving her pertinent information about her life. She is being harmed behind her back and you are giving her the ability to protect herself.

It will be SO HARD to tell her, I won't lie to you about that. It will break your heart. I would suggest just calling her up, identifying yourself and then giving her all the facts. Offer to meet with her and give her your evidence. You should ask her to watch from her end and to keep you alerted to any contact. You should do the same for her.

I would not FOREWARN your wife. You will want to tell her afterwards if she does not hear it from the OM.

It is also a good idea to enlist the support of parents if you can. Parents can sometimes be a great source of support. Sometimes they are enabling kooks, though, so there is no guarantee. I would call her parents and tell them your marriage is being threatened by her affair and tell them you are trying to save your marriage. Ask for their help in support in doing so. Perhaps they can speak to their daughter.

Thanks again. Have to go for now, I'll probably check back this evening for any further advice anyone may have!