Yes, I saw that it was a link...I've just learned how to do that myself.

That was quite a major insight you had about what happened with your DH while you were dating. That you could work through all of that and come to a point where you realized you needed to apologize to him for it! Wow, that's amazing.

Of course there are things that I hold resentment for. There are plenty that I have learned to let go but some that still linger, but really I think I've worked through most of it.

One major one would be when I went through a major depressive episode (with panic attacks, etc.) after the birth of DD11. Lots of situational factors, she has genetic disorder, was in hospital long time, I had delivery complications/c section, 2 wks. later, blood clot in brain (more surgery for me). It was just too much. I couldn't handle it.

I became extremely depressed. DH did not know what to do. He became withdrawn. I became resentful that he wasn't trying to do more to help me, support me, hold me, etc. At one point, I tried to explain how totally desolate I felt and he told me "just get over it." That hurt me so deeply, that he didn't get how despondent I was, how much I just needed him to hold me, tell me it was going to be okay...I've carried that around a long, long time.

One thing that I've learned though is that I'm focusing on me. It was his daughter in the hospital, his wife and new baby who both almost died, finances were in the toilet, and his wife's so depressed and having panic attacks she can barely function. Was he entitled to some frustration, some venting, some anger even? Sure. He never broke down and lost it, but I did, plenty. So should I have been resentful then...I don't know...Should I still be now, no...

I am sad that we didn't know how to work through it together. That we retreated into ourselves and didn't reach for each other when times were so bleak. I'm sad about that.

MoM,

You know your situation reminds me of breakfast. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now you know I am losing my mind right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have you ever really thought about the major components of breakfast, ham and eggs, or sausage and eggs?

Well, when you do you realize that the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So with regard to your marriage are you going to be a chicken or a pig? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

BWhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

JL, I'm thinking 'bout it...but geez, pigs get fattened up and slaughtered <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />...hmmmm

I'll have to get to you on that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JL,

That has become one of my favorite jokes over the past few months. I first heard it on an episode of Grey's Anatomy...
which I have seen about three times.

Mom,

An old business professor of mine once told us that when we price our goods and services we should always remember "Pigs get fat, but hogs get slaughtered."

I think the point of JL's story is that the pig is so committed that he gave all of himself to the breakfast. The chicken made a contribution, but did not have to sacrifice to the same extent as the pig.

In marriage, we should be willing to give everything we have to the relationship, not just a piece that really only effects us in some small way. The biblical concept of "one flesh" means that neither of us holds anything back from the whole. We should each, H & W, be committed to making the M what it should be, placing the M above our own needs and desires.

That does not mean I give unilaterally to my S everything he/she wants, but I place the M above my own wants, which sometimes means I must not give my S what he/she wants, because that would cause harm to the M. What we each want may not be what is best for us both.

I must be thinking way too much....

Mark

I did get the point. My response was meant to be funny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Absolutely. Unfortunately, I think it's human nature, for a lot of us anyway, to operate on the "what's in it for me" principle. To consider the marriage as a single unit above and beyond the individuals in it, requires a shift in thinking.

Which brings me back to my belief that people need to educate themselves about marriage. Most people just get married and expect everything to work out. I really think couples should get premarital counseling and the Harley books! Could potentially save a lot of agony in the long run.

Funny thing happened a couple of weeks ago. DH and I went out to dinner, P.F. Chang's (yum btw), kids stayed at grandma's. There was a bachelorette party there. Young bride to be with a veil that had condoms attached to it all over. I guess they thought that was funny. If I'd brought my kids, I wouldn't have thought it was so funny. Anyway, DH said do you want to go over there? I said why...and then we both said at the same time, tell her "don't do it, run while you can..." We laughed and I know DH was joking as was I, but the point is marriage is hard, hard work!

It's like parenthood, you hear it's hard, but you don't really understand how hard until you actually go through it yourself.

I like you Mom. You really seem to "get it". You definately think a lot like myself. It's unfortunate that I had to go through such h*** to realize everything that I know and believe about marriage and commitment now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Most if not all of us here had to go through h-e-double hockeysticks to get where we are now. I certainly didn't start out this way. You know, young, naive, never had a life of my own. I thought I knew a lot, but I didn't know anything...

I get it. Nearly 20 years later. Go me. (she said sarcastically)...

You go girl!

Why is it that when things seem to be going so well, something comes along and screws it up?

We had a great Easter weekend.

One little thing today and now he's all hot and bothered.
Today I find out that he gave up one of his management responsibilities that he took on not too long ago. I knew he wasn't happy with it but I didn't know he had done that. It's not a big deal to me, but I had asked him last week why he didn't have his pager and he just waved his hand and said we don't have it anymore instead of telling me (the truth) he turned it in because he doesn't want that part of the job anymore.

I calmly tried to tell him that I thought he should've told me especially when I asked directly about it but he thinks I'm overreacting. I realized that it goes back to my fear of what else he might not be telling me similar to that time he had dinner with a girl in Chicago and didn't tell me about it (I found emails). Long story, but supposedly he claims it was to be a group thing and only she showed up. He never told me anything about it.

I tried to get him to understand my fear about that but he makes it all about him, why don't I just love him, he doesn't want to see anymore MB crap (I emailed article about honesty) and be reminded of that time of his life. Like somehow we can all just forget that happened, right?

I just want to be able to have a conversation. Why is that so freakin' hard!!!? He can't handle any kind of M/R talk at all. But if he's got a problem, we all better listen up.

I'm venting. I'm hurt. I don't know why I keep trying so hard. Why do I read books? Why do I read MB? He doesn't care. He has sat there and told me how good a wife I've been, how much I'm meeting his needs. How can he not see that I'm doing that because of all that I've learned, how I've grown from being here and reading all that I do. It just doesn't happen. If I hadn't found my way here, our M would be in the toilet. How can he not see that? I was gone, I was completely gone. Does that not mean anything?

ARGH. I want a marriage partner. I want to feel like we're on the same page and clearly we're not. I want someone who wants to have the best M possible. He just wants to gloss over and forget everything.

I can't be happy with that.

go to a MB weekend

Sorry you're having such a hard time MAZ. I kind of know how it is. I am trying to be completely open and honest with my FWW.I wish we could communicate better than we are. It seems the first hint of any M/R talk and all kinds of crap starts bubbling up. Frustrating.
You know that you and I are in somewhat the same type of situations as far as spouses wanting to just gloss over things or sweeping under rugs. Hang in there.
I wish I could help you more.
Rock

It just gets worse and worse. We argue more and more. DH refuses to talk. Refuses MC or any kind of help. At this point he seems to have reverted back to his pre-A behavior. This is what I always feared. It wouldn't last. He would try to improve long enough to convince me to stay and then it would stop. We can barely have a conversation without it turning into an argument. He will yell at the kids and if I don't like it that's too bad. He doesn't seem to care if I'm upset by our arguments, he then gets more upset that I don't just let it go.

I'm tired of letting it go. I always end up letting it go and then I'm resentful. He doesn't care. I don't know why he wanted to keep me around. Does he think no one else would put up with the way he acts? Sometimes I think my self esteem issues have a lot to do with putting up with this for so long. If this is as good as it gets, it's not good enough.

I feel like I've worked so hard on myself, learning so much and growing. I put so much effort into forgiving past hurts, trying to break down the walls I had built because of our problems. I hoped we could start over and have something better, but he just will not do it.

I think sometimes two people are just inherently imcompatible. On paper, we are a lot alike, but in the everyday, we just can't seem to get along for any period of time.

I don't know how to tell when it's time to make a decision. At what point do I decide enough is enough, or do I just stay regardless, for the kids sake?

I feel like I'm doing everything one person can possibly do for this M but by myself it's not enough. But he's content with the way things are. How can one person do anything with that?

file for a divorce

tell your husband that you have given all you can give

ASIDE: is it possible your H is depressed?

Pep

Hey MAZ,
you don't have to go into detail, but did you give him that note you showed me?

You do too know ... it's time when the cost is too high.

I think staying 'for the kids sake' is a legitimate reason to stay together ~~~> IF THE HOME IS PLEASANT WITH HEALTHY INTERACTIONS

but if the home is awash with strife and fighting ... the 'for the kids sake' arguement is a blow out

Rock,

Yes, I did send the note, even after toning it down a bit more and he claims that so far he has not had "time" to read it.

Pep,

He would say he is not depressed. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. I would say he is prone to being irritable and moody, I don't know if I'd say depressed.

Define "pleasant with healthy interactions." I don't know how to quantify how much discord is too much. Some days, probably most days, things would seem fine from the kids perspective (though not mine).

That's odd. Heck if my FWW wrote me a note I would devour it, read it over and over and try to analyze it.
Hang in there kiddo.

It is OK to stay M and "make the best of" ...

it is also OK to file ...

but either way you must live with the choice

What if ... you made up your mind to be as happy as possible with things as they are now ... could you live with that?
Pep

Thanks...tryin' to.