Hi NC
lets get straight into it.
First, coming home was the RIGHT thing to do for ALL of you.
The reason why you don’t need her anymore is because you have had to survive by yourself and this is a survival response in the circumstances of the affair. Its what happened to my H and he has never left that mode actually.
It need not be a negative as in fact I found it to be easier for me to cope post affair when I realised (with help from counselor) that we wouldn’t fall apart if I got things wrong every now and then.
It works for us others I couldn’t say.
Depressed and in withdrawal? YES most certainly she is IF there really is no contact and from what you describe of her giving you a blow by blow report of what she does each day is so much what I did as well. I was desperate for my H to believe me, frantic in fact.
However at the same time, I felt I was the lowest piece of scum in the world. I couldn’t bear to go hold him because I felt so full of shame, like I infected with some loathsome disease and didn’t even think he wanted me at all. It wasn’t even self pity as I was way too depressed to get to that point. Self pity comes later <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
It is in fact very self destructive behaviour and I would urge you to have her see a doctor for anti depressants. I was very resistant but didn’t have the energy to really fight it and eventually went along with it reluctantly. But boy oh boy did it help. However I was then so ashamed for having to use them .... messed up mind of a recovering WS.
Now counseling is and should be a PRIME condition of rebuilding the M or creating a new M.
In fact that is the way my MC got me to buy into it. My old M was dead,
D E A D,
so lets work on creating a new M that won’t fall apart and that is able to survive the stress of just living and surviving in this world.
To say I was happy about going to MC & personal C is no way near the truth. I think you could see my finger marks in the bitumen all the way there. I went because most of my family made me if I am honest, & my H made it a condition of us staying together. If my H wasn’t available to take me one of them just arrived and said ‘in the car’ and I went.
Though it didn’t take too long to wanting to go. I saw light at the end of the tunnel. But God it hurt to face myself.
No it did not take away my shame, or guilt, I still feel that but not as intense, it no longer is able to control my behaviour and feelings. But its there. Thats ok because it helps me remember what I have to loose.
I think your wife is in this stage of guilt, remorse and shame and feels so like a piece of [censored]. She simply cannot see any hope or future happiness right now. That is why she may need antidepressants.
I guess there is a chance that she is still seeing the OM & is constantly in & out of withdrawal if it goes on for months and months.
I do think you may need to find that out. Perhaps by finding out what the OM is doing. It will then give you some clear idea of how to respond. Unless you are convinced she is being truthful and accept the risk because its always a risk I guess for any BS.
So in short I suggest you firmly and kindly insist she and you both go to counseling .....what about the Harleys over the phone?????????????? Yes I know it may be expensive being OS but a D will be a LOT more expensive and not just in $$$. This method may be one she would go for as well.
pls ask any questions you want nc, I’ll try to answer as well as I can.
thinking of you both and praying for success
