Have yet to post my full story here, but do have a quick question:

My wife moved out of our home a little over a month ago now when I discovered a long term A she had with some loser she met over the net. I do know for certain that it ended in the middle of last year, but after reading this site, I'm not too sure if she isn't involved in another A. She claims her reasons for moving out is to "get space", "try out living on her own since she went straight from living w/ her parents to living w/ me", "our marriage was non-existent for a long time", "I don't want to be in any relationship right now", etc., stuff that I've read here are typical WW fog talk, that she is covering up an A.

I did confront her about my suspicions, and she of course denied she's involved w/ another man. She did relunctantly give me her passwords to her email addresses (which she changed after I discovered her meeting Mr. "Wonderful" online), and access to her cell phone records online. We looked through them together, and she showed me some, but not all, of the text and picture messages she's received from some male friends of hers that I did not know about until D-Day. She said she had not replied to any of them, and the cell phone records do show that, at least, she did not reply with her cell phone.

I truly do want to believe (obviously) that she is not looking to continue an A or start a new one by moving out, and that maybe she's dealing w/ some MLC or extreme guilt for her adultery. She has not changed any of her passwords, and so far I have not found any proof of an A. We have been very amicable towards each other during this time, and still do things together w/ our kids for sake of them not feeling the full brunt of an all out divorce of their parents. She has said that maybe we can date after a while, and basically start all over. For now though, we're just "friends", and I'm in full out Plan A.

Tomorrow is our youngest's 5th birthday party. She plans on sleeping over at the house to spend the entire day with our kids, and even agreed to watch a movie w/ me in our home theater. So to my question, would it ok if we ended up having sex tomorrow night? I'm definitely not planning on it, and do not plan to even make a move towards so. But, she has been out of the house for over a month now, and her staying overnight, well, I'm being realistic that things may go that way. We haven't even discussed sleeping arrangements yet. I just want to know ahead of time what would be the right thing to do. My hesitation to having sex w/ my WW is of course fear she's got an STD from a possible current A, and that it may be too soon to make love to her after what she's done. On the other hand, it is one of my ENs, and I think one of hers, and I would not want to jeopardize Plan A by rejecting her, if she does make advances or makes it clear to me that she wants me.

Help!

Confused Sad Punk

SadPunk,

I'm sorry you are in this position. I told my WW on DDay that for the first time since I met her I couldn't imagine having sex with her. Well, about a week after DDay, after I had decided I was going to try to save my marriage, I had to make that call. She tentatively suggested sex, and I could tell she was afraid I would reject her. I had to make the call sort of on the spot. I felt all sorts of anger at her, had visions of her with the OM, felt anger and shame at myself for taking her back, all sorts of things. But I decided that if I wanted to ever have a normal marriage again, rejecting her sexual advances was probably not the right way to start. Then there's the fact that once you start having sex with each other again, it can help the bonding between you in the other areas of your recovery.

So for me, I went for it, but I definitely felt all the same things you are feeling now. 5 months later, I can say it was the right move, but of course I might feel differently if I had ended up with an STD.

NS

Thdre have been people from this site that have contracted STD's. It is a BAD idea to have sex with ANYONE that is not known to be safe. I also believe that there has been at least one person here that died as a result of a STD.

Tell her that you would like to be with her but that she needs testing and you need assurances that she is not putting your life at risk.

No sex 4 u. Sorry.

As appealing and delightful as it might seem, I think it would be counter-productive. I think you need to focus on getting her back in the home, then worry about sex.

I think you are stating your hopes, and not reality. I would be amazed, if she actually persued it with you, just based on what you've said.

RookKev, the rational part of my psyche totally agrees with you. But there's the emotional part that does not want to hurt my WW's feelings if she were to suggest love making. I sure do hope you're right and she doesn't, and relieve me of the stress of dealing with that.

The reason I think she might is that one of her complaints during our marriage before D-Day was that I did not show enough interest in her sexually. Also, I think she might be in the early, early, early stages of seeing a permanent change in me due to following Plan A, and that she might expect me to want her.

I think I'm just going to have to avoid the whole possibility and make certain we sleep separately, and maybe take something to knock me out for the whole night.

Just an update, WW decided it was a bad idea to sleep over, so she called it off. Good thing the kids weren't aware of the plan to begin w/ and avoid disappointing them.

I'd put no faith in her denial

my ww denied that she was having sex and carrying on an affair even when I had irrefutable evidence.

I quoted her word for word during her discussion about sex with the OM to a female friend of hers.

Still, she did not even flinch and vehemently denied the relationship to my face.

I also told her I knew her friend was having an affair. This too she refuted.

Again, in the face of so much evidence.

Don't believe her for a moment.

SNOOP!


As for the sex part. I read somewhere on this forum that you should test yourself and present the results to her.

Hoping that she would reciprocate.

If she doesn't at least the point is made and though it may be an uncomfortable one..it is a very important issue.

Second to that, use condoms.

I am not a big fan of those personally so I'm going with the test option myself so long as progress is being made in that area.

Right now, I'm lucky if she even talks to me. lol

Thanks for your replies to my posts opheliagrimm.

I am snooping, but it is quite difficult when she no longer lives at home. I have access to her *known* email accounts and cell phone records, which she reluctantly gave me after one of my confrontations. I know how smart she is, and that all could just be a smokescreen, so I'm being very careful and am not trusting her again.

At this point, even though I'm on Plan A, I'm only doing this to build up a case against her should she file for D. Initially it ate me up inside wondering what she was up to, having feelings of betrayal and jealously keeping me up at night. Now, I almost don't care what she's up to, as she's the only one that can control her actions.

I'm scraping up the $ to maybe get a GPS put on her car, or better yet hire a PI, and eventually go to the dr. & get tested for STDs. It's truly sad that I'm having to save up $ for such things instead of gifts for my boys, or a family vacation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />