Hi still,

I guess as much as we want them back, we want the OLD them back, not this new cruel, lying being they've morphed into <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Currently I still go into her two email accounts, not sure if she has a separate email for 'other' correspondances, but I doubt it. WS and OW live and work within a stone's throw from each other, so there is no need for them to resort to emails, text messages and calls are so much easier. Was hoping that I could at least tell if she was really having NC, but with her cancelling the itemized billing subscription, I guess there's no way to tell now.

I don't know what I was planning. I guess if she was still having NC and was really confused and needed time to think, I was still going to do a light plan A, as best as I could with us living apart. But with these current developments, all I can think about is a plan D! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think this month (April) apart is an excuse she gave me while she found a new place to stay with her friends. Yet, I recall an SMS I saw on her phone with her friend (whom she was looking for a place with) telling her that "its ok if you can't commit to the place first, we understand" implying that she told them she needed another month to reconsider. That is in direct opposite to the email she sent another group of old friends telling them she should have her own place in May already, and that she was currently homeless cause she had moved to her best friend's place.

Close to 4 months after D-day, I still sometimes feel as mad, confused and frustrated as I did during D-day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Dev,

I got to run to my IC appt.. I'll check in with you when I get back.

Hang in there... believe I know how tough and hurtful this is.

Still

I told you I could about guarantee she's hiding something. Otherwise she wouldn't be moving out.


And... then what? File for D?

Plan B at that point would be a disaster because

1.) you've proven ONE MORE TIME you don't keep to your agreements (even though you keep making them in the heat of the moment and they're BAD agreements). Why on earth would she believe your Plan B letter about conditions for reconciliation at that point, again? After all the flip flopping and lack of consistency you've given her, she'd have to be foolish to think you'd live up to your part of that letter (reconciliation and building a good marriage) even if she was perfect at her end.

I'm not trying to be mean here... but, my friend, your credibility has taken a beating lately. You don't do what you say you're going to do. Or, rather, you keep saying you're going to do things that are opposite of each other.

2.) more grandstanding behavior. Would you want to be married to someone who grandstands this much?

All of that isn't a consideration if you're done, though. Are you done?


I think you're being a tad unrealistic and unreasonable about this by attributing to her much more harm in your direction than is probably fair. She's told you that she's considering her options. One of them has to be moving on with out you and, if you think about it, it's pretty likely that she's looking into alternate places (cost, etc) to live during that time.

You haven't learned anything you didn't all ready know.

I suggest you calm down. Stop reading her emails because accountability comes AFTER she decides to commit or not. Find a hobby, read a book, go to a movie, knit, take a bubble bath, garden, build something with wood and power tools, feed the birds, go to the zoo -- just go do something that has NOTHING to do with her or the relationship. Turn off the computer and start living your life. When was the last time you saw real sunlight?

Go on. Shoo! Make me jealous because I'm stuck inside doing homework. Or, better yet, come do my homework for me and I'LL go outside and play.


Mys

Mys,

I don't know if I'm done... how do I know? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

If you're not sure, then you're not done.

You're done when you walk away without rancor or regret.

So, you sidestepped the part about doing my homework for me...*playful nudge* What about it?

Mys

heheh... what kind of 'homework' are we talking about?

Just came home from watching a movie with some friends..

Regarding your statement that I'm "attributing to her much more harm in your direction".. well, she's got this group of friends whom she's obviously lied to, telling them that we were having problems etc EXCEPT the affair (so convenient), and she tells them that she "should have my own place by May". I really don't know how to read into this, though you probably say I shouldn't :P

I know in my gut that she's told me to give her a month, give or take, for her to consider her options, but in actual fact, she was buying time to find a new place to stay. I'm pretty sure of it. And these are the kinds of things I'd HATE to be right at

But you're right, ultimatums and grandstanding will not change the cold hard fact. Throw out her stuff or not, if she's made up her mind to leave, she'll leave.

Anyhow, I'm at a complete loss as to what to do (besides helping you with homework, of course). I'm open to suggestions, please <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm getting my BS in computer science. Today's homework is writing a program to mimic forwarding in an IP router.

You're not a network specialist, are you?

This is an online class and my instructor assigned this last Saturday to be due next Tuesday. Which is normally fine except this is SPRING BREAK. (This guy is a tool.)

Anyway, I was mostly kidding -- unless you really are a network specialist and you can explain CIDR addressing to me using little words. *hopeful*


Well, I'll tell you. I think she's acting like a teenager rebelling from her parents. Remember when you were a teenager and you kept things from your parents? It wasn't so much about you wanting to hurt them as you wanting the thrill of getting away with stuff, etc. She's not exactly acting her age, ya know?


What's the point of that, do you think? It's not like she's financially dependent on you. It's not like you were going to kick her out if she said she was leaving forever. It's not like you would have made her leave if she started looking at leases. What was going to stop her from doing that in front of you?

No, I'm guessing she really isn't QUITE sure she's doing the right thing (those little niggling doubts).


Right.

Or, you can decide you're leaving.


Get on with your LIFE, man.

Right now, this whole thing is truly an SEP (Somebody Else's Problem). You don't have to deal with it for 30 days and you're squandering your vacation time worrying about it. Let her figure out what she's doing. At the end of 30 days if she's not ready to commit and at that point be accountable to you (no more canceling detail on her cell phone) then you can make your decision. You don't have to make it right now. Right now, you can relax for 30 days.

Or, if you really feel like doing something productive, help me with my homework (I'm really just kidding -- unless you know.. you know a lot about networks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

Mys

Hi Mys,

Sorry mate.. the only thing I know about networks is that they confuse the heck out of me...lol... so, no help from me there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Get on with my LIFE? You mean with my other, NEW life? Because up to this point, she WAS my life. I mean, we did everything together as much as we could. Now I have to go "get a life"...haha

I will try to treat it as a "vacation", I really will, but easier said than done. During this time, I won't call her, but if she contacts me (for any reason) then I pick up and talk to her, since its not plan B yet right?

That makes two of us.


Yes, talk to her and be pleasant and upbeat. Like I mentioned before, if you make small talk -- talk about stuff YOU'VE done. Don't ask her about her.

Mys

Hi mys,

We haven't spoken since the night she moved out, which is the LONGEST ever we've gone without talking to each other. At times it hurts, the house feels empty, and at times its better.

However, I believe from emails I've read that she is indeed actively looking for a place to rent. Her friends have been forwarding online ads to her. If she were really to rent a place and sign a one year lease, I'm CERTAIN it will be the end of our marriage.

I know I should 'let her go' and let her decide for herself what she wants, but this close to losing her, I don't know how I would react should she have decided to 'move on' or worse still, move on with OW.

Should I at least email her, and tell her I'm aware of her intention and that we should talk before she does something that will be permanently damaging to the both of us? Would it do any good? I spent the weekend cleaning the house and packing all her stuff away, most of it anyway, because I know she's not coming back. I feel so utterly helpless... is this how you feel when in Plan B? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know for a fact that her current group of 'supportive' friends don't know about the A at all. She's been spinning the story about what a mess everything was, how unreasonable I was etc, but never mentioned her 'little' part in all of this.

I'm sad that she's chosen to exit from this relationship by giving false reasons and justifications for it. One of her friends mailed her saying something like "Wow, you moved out, huh? So its over, over? No more fishtanks and all that nonsense? Good for you!" -referring to my hobby of keeping tropical fish... God only knows what other imagined horrors she much have exagerrated to them to make our marriage seem like a horror movie!

I'm angry and maybe the anger will help me move on quicker than feeling sorry for myself or will at least block out how much I still miss her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Absolutely not!


I'm curious, why does she think you were so unreasonable?

I guess I'd always assumed it had to do w/exposure & the job change. Was that it or is there other stuff? It seems like it would be hard for her to complain about all that without somehow stumbling into talking about the affair.

Mys

Hi mys,

I think a lot of her unhappiness (pre-exposure etc) had to do with my temper and making lots of DJs. I was never physically abusive at all, nothing like that, but I always had to have my own way, and the last say in anything. I was controlling and didn't treat her like an equal partner in the marriage. The A was a big wake up call for me, and I tried so very hard to change, and I did, for most part. She'd even told me she's seen the changes I've made even.

However, to her friends who don't know about the A, I don't think she's mentioned it at all, bringing up my past LB's and probably blowing it up to make it look like I was the Devil himself. But she'd told me a big part of her resentment was for the way I exposed and that she had to leave her previous company and she wasn't sure if she could get over that. I don't think this is the reason she's mentioned to her other friends who don't know about the A. I'm pretty sure (but have no proof) that she's been contacting OW again as well, which may also compound her feelings of not wanting to work on the marriage. I don't know.

I mentioned to her before she left that there were times post-A when we got along, and things were almost back to normal. We both seemed happy again and all that, but she denied it, saying she was just pretending and wearing a mask, and that she was tired of wearing that mask. I think she's still deep deep in the fog...

Monday and I'm home sick.. still recovering from the flu I got last week, and I've almost lost my voice.

Well, this morning WS calls up, but about work. Said her boss told her someone was waiting for her near my office and called to ask if it was me. I said no. She asked if I was at home and I said yes. She asked if I was sick and I said yes. She asked if I'd been to the doctors, and I said 'in a while'. Then she said, ok take care of yourself, then I just replied, ok.. bye.

Guess losing my voice made me less chatty, and I'm glad I didn't ask how she was, how was it gonig etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dev,

The losing your voice must be making the rounds around the world... I had it about 3 weeks ago.

And you really threw me off saying Monday morning... I thought oh no I'm late for work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still

Haha, sorry for the scare. I'm trying to work from home at at the same time trying to clear up the house a bit more. Keep forgetting I'm a couple of hours ahead of most of you guys :P

Just curious, but would another round of exposure help at this stage to further destroy her fantasy world at this point? I'm thinking emails to all her friends who have until now, only heard her version of events, prob without any mention of the affair.

Would that be pointless and further inflame the situation, or is that something else I should consider?

Throwing this question out there for your opinions

Well, she came by to pick up her mail... it was gone, but she didn't even come up and see how I was doing even though she knew I was not feeling well. Why so heartless? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Bump for any opinions to my previous question...

Dev,

She's acting like a WS to the T.

i'm not sure about exposing to her friends at this point, will let the experts answert hat. All I kmow is I told everyone. And living in a small town plus the fact WH ho is the SIL od our towns big mouth didn't help my WH.

I'm thnking it might be time to start thinking about plan B.

My plan B has been full of surprises. I really though it wouldn't be a big deal to WH but he's been very persisitant and not making it easy,

And sorry your not feeling well... are you feeling any better?

Hey is it Tuesday yet? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still