Ugh... just saw a yucky email reply from WS to OW. Saying that she misses her, and that "LA is great but could be so much better if you are here.. cause i think we will enjoy it so much. anyway i can't wait to come back too!!"

Deep deep deep in fantasy la-la land. I pity her more than anything else at the moment. I think Fightingback was right, WS is not really a lesbian, just got taken in by the sweet talk and attention.

Cause when she wakes up and realizes what she's gotten herself into, reality will come down on her HARD.

Is continuing to read WS's emails an unhealthy thing for me? I just read a reply from OW to WS where she calls WS "my dearest"... makes me wanna puke! Ugh! LOL

Seriously though, I feel like a spectator watching these events from a distance, wondering when the illusion of romance and the fantasy of the A will end. I'm not as upset as I thought I would be, instead, reading these emails is fueling the resolve within me to give up completely.

I know that at some point I will have to really let go, but I'm not sure if I can or want to at the present moment. I think I probably have enough 'rope' to hang either of them if they should deny the A now.

bingo dev.....



lets think of this in regards to what this is adding to your life...... pain, drama, nausea, perhaps vommiting. anything good that you can think of?

your idea of "having them now" is a bit misguided. why do you feel the need to have WW validate you by saying " yes, you were right....I lied to you...I was still seeing her....yes, you have the proof....I cannot lie anymore"

YOU KNOW the truth, is that not enough for you? I am not beating you up, I have felt the same. maybe we think that once confronted with all the evidence they will cave and run back home?? not gonna happen. not because of all that PROOF anyway.

IMHO, attempts at getting WW to validate you are futile. just wont happen.

Hi FB,

I don't think doing what I'm doing now is to get WW to 'validate' to me that I was right about the A all this while. I guess I've been living without the truth all these weeks and months, never knowing what really went on behind the scenes, and only seeing snippets now and then when she accidently let something slip or forgot to cover up her tracks well enough.

Right now, I'm seeing the truth, un-clouded by a WS's need to play down the depth of her attachment to the OW. For once, I'm not hearing a watered down version of the story from the WS, but seeing exactly what and how their relationship actually is like. For once, I'm clear of any doubt on whether cutting her off (whether plan B or plan D)is the RIGHT thing to do. I KNOW it is, because I see that WS has swallowed and embraced the OW, hook, line and sinker.

So, yes, the truth has set me free. Free of doubt that I need to stop waiting for WS and to move on with my life. And with every email I read, it validates my conviction that I'm doing the right thing. DOes that make sense to you?

I'm going to send out this email to WS:
-------------------------------------------------
WS,

As spoken, arrange to collect your stuff on Sunday, 29th April 2007. Your stuff has been boxed up and I reckon you're going to need at least 2 trips to clear everything. Bring along a trolley to make it easier for you to move, else bring along a helper.

I wish it hadn't come to this, and even though its probably too late for our marriage, I pray you will wake up and see where the path you're taking is eventually going to lead you to. The 'high' of the relationship and the feeling of being in love will eventually fade, and reality will set in -that you're in a lesbian relationship. If this is the life you want, then I wish you well.

BS
---------------------------------------------------

Any opinions? Is it too judgemental?

yes....100%....in fact, I am feeling exactly the same lately. I have been more consistent in my belief that moving on is the right thing. that consistency gives me a bit of peace that I can actually trust my own feelings.


about the email.....think about your purpose in sending it. does she need another reminder? you already told her about the date. is this new information that is pertinent. maybe make it more to the point, and leave out the suggestions of what she needs to do. "you have 7 large boxes ready for pick-up" then let her decide HOW to get them out.

of course, you're speaking to someone who helped WS move...and set-up her cable box....and helped her shop for her apart. LOL...I got a lot of 2x4's for that. I just want you to know that Iunderstand how getteing her stuff out is about you being able to put her out of your mind and life a bit. your doing well, keep it up.

Hi FB,

Thanks again. You know, I was just thinking about this the other day. I'm not getting any younger, and I have but one life to live. Do I want to spend the next few best years of my life trying to force a recovery with a person who doesn't value our marriage and relationship? Do I want to go through all the pain of reconcilliation and hours and hours of counselling to address her boundary issues, as well as both our other issues? And that without any guarantee of success??

And I guess I came to the conclusion that 'No, maybe I'm better off LIVING my life for myself!' And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm signing on for SCUBA diving lessons, beginning next month and I'mmaking an effort to hit the gym at least once a week. Maybe part of the healing process in all of this is knowing when to walk away while I'm ahead, before the WS strips me of all dignity and the capacity to ever trust and love anyone else again.

I'm a bit jaded at this point. LOL... I *seem* to have found my answer, and I hope you find yours too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good night!

Question to FBS who said "enough is enough". How did you start the healing process for yourself? Did you file for D or did you wait until your WS did it? If a D, how long after you decided to end things did you actually get around to filing for it?

Dev,

Didn't have a chance to catch up on your thread...so don't know much of what's going on. Just wanted to pop in and say hi and hope things are going well.

Need to get off to bed... my DD17 will be coming home in a few hours from Orlando and will need to pick her up so I need to get some sleep.

Still

Hi still,

Hope you had a great trip! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I sent out the email this morning and she's read it. She mailed her best friend telling her I sent an emailing saying I've boxed up her stuff to await collection and "sigh!! i don't feel good just by hearing from him.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />"

Heheh, I wonder why? Because hearing from me is like a sharp dose of reality that is threatening her little fantasy? LOL

Well, her friend replied saying not to let me spoil her trip, and that it was good that I'd boxed up her stuff, so she could just get her stuff and go. She said she'd help WS with the move.

I strongly believe that this best friend of hers doesn't have a clue about the ongoing A with the les. Thought of throwing a spanner in the works by sending her an email:


------------------------------------------
Hi Jessica,

I'm sure you must be surprised (and a little annoyed) to see a mail from me. But before you delete this, please give me a chance to 'explain'.

Firstly, I know we have never really gotten along very well. But we 'tolerated' each other because we had a mutual loved one, which is WS.

I don't know what she has told you so far about the status of our relationship, and truth be told, I have barely spoken to her after she made the decision to move out "to think and reconsider whether I want this marriage". At that time I thought, "ok, fair enough, we had both been through a lot, and if she wanted to think about it, then I wouldn't stop her." I remember asking her at that time if she had still been in contact with the lesbian, and she still denied it, but there were signs pointing to a recurrence of the affair again.

Well, I have confirmed that the affair is ongoing, and is going strong. Maybe it never stopped to begin with, and how could it when they never really had no contact? I first learned of this 2 weeks ago, and after that I met up with her and told her that I knew about the ongoing affair. I told her that there was no point pretending to wait till the end of the month for her to tell me something I already knew was coming. I said that I have been always willing to work on the marriage, to change things so that we can make it better, but I would never be a part of a 3 way relationship. I then told her that if this was her decision, then I wanted to move on, and for her to come get the rest of her stuff from my place. She didn't deny, she didn't need to because she knew that I already knew about it.

Now, I don't know if you know about the ongoing relationship with the lesbian, or if she's been lying to you too. I won't begin to tell you what to do, you will need to decide for yourself whether supporting her lesbian relationship is going to be the best thing for her in the end. I think we both agree she's not really a lesbian, and that sooner or later, reality will strike, else the lesbian will just move on to someone else.

Oh, and if you can, please see if you can help WS with moving her stuff this coming Sunday. The boxes are pretty heavy and she will have a hard time doing it without help.

Best regards,
BS

----------------------------------


Think this is a good idea?

Hey there,

(Yes, exams are over but now buried with programs to write. *sighs* 3 more weeks till the end)

I think if you send that email your wife will know you are reading hers. Do you care?

Mys

Welcome back mys.. missed your posts the last few days. My best wishes for your exams, am sure you did great!

Well, at this point anyone reading the emails I've saved and printed out is able to put 2 and 2 together pretty easily anyway. Not being able to access the emails is no biggie to me at this point, cause I've confirmed 100% the A is on.

I've never really gotten along with his friend of hers, which is the one she's supposedly staying with. After the exposure, OW actually went to look for this friend to ask how WS was. She said some stuff to OW that I considered to be enabling and not very helpful, and I told her when I found out. Her response was "Its my mouth and I'll say what I like, thank you very much". Hence, I'm trying to be as careful as possible not to seem preachy to her. How can I rephrase it to tell her that as a friend she should be more proactive in helping WS see what she's doing to her life and NOT sound preachy? Heheh, writing was never my strong point <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just saw an email WS wrote to her friends, the ones that doesn't know WHAT they're supporting! God only knows what she's telling them... a snippet from the email:

"...i'm asked to move my stuff by next sunday. this whole episode is knda depressing.. anyway i m already starting to move on and will not want to go back to this marriage. Hooe this whole thing will come to pass soon. Don't want to look back anymore."

WTH?? Starting to move on? Yeah, she moved on WAYYY before all this went down, with the OW! She's depressed? About what? That I won't let her cake eat anymore?

Man, its times like these when I feel like sending out that mass email, and attaching all those lovey-dovey emails she's been exchanging between OW and her as proof! Would it be wrong to do so???

Pretty annoyed now..

This is the email I drafted:

---------------------------------------------------
Hi everyone,

This is BS, WS's husband.

Some of you may know that our marriage has of late, been very rocky. Well, 'falling apart' is probably closer to the truth. Whatever the reasons you've heard, that's fine: no marriage is perfect. The purpose of this email to to lay before you the truth and to tell you how we got to this point.

The truth is, I discovered my wife was having an affair with a colleague at [Company name] in December last year. It was a romantic affair that turned physical and I only caught her because I saw numerous intimate SMS's on her mobile phone. I confronted and she confessed that yes, she had an "attachment and chemistry" with this person, and yes it got physical. You cannot imagine my shock and grief and anger when I found out. What was even more shocking than the affair was that it was with another WOMAN! Yes, she had gotten involved with a lesbian, OW (whom I shall refer to as SW from now).

After the initial anger and hurt, I told her she had to leave the company and to have no contact with SW if we were to save our marriage. She begged me to let her find another job so that she could exit gracefully from the company, and against my better judgement, I agreed. To cut a long story short, I found out that she was starting to get back together with SW again in January so I exposed the affair to her management and to her parents. She eventually left [Previous company] and applied for a job at [Current company]. Although her mother was upset, she believed WS when she promised not to continue the affair.

Despite efforts by her management to try and separate the two as much as possible during the handover, they still met up and talked, with the excuse of wanting 'closure'. I caught her in a few lies and had to be constantly on my toes to watch for renewed contact. She, on one hand, was unwilling to give up contact, and I was unwilling to give up on my marriage. It was a most unpleasant time, for the both of us. I was up to my eyebrows with inconsistencies and lies, I just couldn't trust her anymore. She was more careful about covering her tracks, and though the signs of renewed contact were there, I couldn't prove it. This frustrated and hurt me to no end.

Right after she returned from her mom's place, she said she wanted to move out of the house "to think and reconsider if I wanted to remain married". She assured me that it had nothing to do with SW, though she had moved out of the bedroom and slept in the spare room, with the phone next to her and regularly cleared her inbox and sent message folders, things she had never done before. I tried asking her to resume marital counselling (we had only gone for one session) but she refused, saying she was "UNWILLING" to save the marriage. I had my suspicions about why she was unwilling (renewed affair), but not being able to prove it was hard.

When she moved out, I told her the door was open for her should she want to come back, but with 3 conditions: 1) that she be 100% honest with me, no more lies, 2) that she commit to trying to make this marriage work, and 3) that she have no contact with the lesbian. She said she couldn't do it and left.

I confirmed about 2 weeks ago that the affair is indeed still on, very much so, and I suspect that it never really ended. I told her just before her US trip that I KNEW about the ongoing A with SW, and although I was hurt and saddened by that choice, it was ultimately HER choice.I said that while I was always willing to work to save the marriage, I would NOT be part of a 3-way relationship, and that I wanted her to get the rest of her stuff out of my apartment by the end of the month.

That is where we stand now. Maybe I'm a fool, but I still love my wife very much and am still committed to making this marriage work, but I know that as long as the affair is ongoing, there can be no hope of reconcilliation. My sole purpose is to tell you the truth and I hope you will pray for us and also encourage her to end the affair, as it is the RIGHT thing to do.

I have been immensely hurt by WS's infidelity, more so by the lies and the renewed affair after thinking that things could maybe work out. I have tried my very best to hold this marriage together, but if she wants out to pursue her affair, I cannot stop her. While I can take responsibility for 50% of the problems in our marriage, the responsibility to cheat lies squarely on her shoulders. I've decided I need to move on, with or without her.

I thank you for your time. God bless.

BS




---------------------------------------------

1) Your reason for exposing should not be to let them know your side, but rather in an effort to pressure her to end her affair so that your marriage can be saved. Any other reason will be seen as vindictive. Ask for their support and their prayers that your WW's heart will soften and she will return to God.

2) WAY too long. You don't need quite so many details. You will lose their attention. Basically say that your WW and OW have been having an affair on and off for X months, the problems you have been having is because she couldn't end the affair (even though she said she was going to), and show some proof, like email excerpts.

Thanks Jim. I've edited the letter, see above. Cut it down some, but I think some details are important so her friends can roughly guess at the timeline. Also rephrased why I'm exposing, as truthfully as I can.

I'm sending out on the BCC list, so she won't know who it went to even if one of her friends forwards the mail to her. I'm basically sending it to her immediate close circle of friends, her sister (for the first time) and a few close church friends.

But i'm still considering if this is the way to go. Decisions decisions.

OK...I agree with Jim that you need to be asking for their assistance in ending her affair and working to rebuild your marriage. I still don't see that even after your edit.

Second...don't refer to the OP as 'the lesbian'. It sounds very judgemental...and while justified and even true, that's not the message you want to send here. State her NAME. Make it clear who she is, and just state it once up front that this is a lesbian affair/relationship, and just use her name from there.

Make sure that the message is that you love your wife, you believe that your marriage can still be saved, and you're willing to do what it takes to make it happen. You're asking for their HELP in ending the affair...that the purpose is not to attack your wife or OP...but to save your marriage.

Thanks Owl,

So I should say I still want it to work even if I don't feel like it? I really think I'm ready to move on, but wonder if I'm giving up too easily also at times.

Also, she has told her friends she wants to move on also, and "don't want to look back anymore". Am I continuing to flog a dead horse here? Or should I just drop everything and move on? How do you help someone who DOESN'T WANT to be helped?

Are you saying that even if she came back to you tomorrow begging for forgiveness, agreed to a NC letter w/ OW, agreed to complete O&H, and offered to go to counseling that you wouldn't even think about it? Just because saving your M is your stated intention, it doesn't mean that you have to take her back. It is just an invitation that she does not know when it expires.


Dev, that is just the fog speaking. My WW said the exact same things. It is all because she is engaged in an affair. Your weak plan A didn't help things.

Dev, the problem is that you didn't do a great job at the carrot or the stick of plan A (not that your situation would necessarily be different), and your failure to do a good plan A, has left you stuck in plan A. Now your love bank has been drained to unsafe levels before you went to plan B. If nothing else, exposure will send the message to your WW that she needs to learn that her actions have consequences and that she can no longer manipulate you into getting what she wants. It will be a good lesson for her regardless of how your situation turns out. Just expose her, have her move out and go to plan B, and then move on when you are ready to if she doesn't come crawling back. It will be good for you if nothing else. It will help you learn to control your emotions.