OK, advise taken guys. One of the things my friend reminded me yesterday was "...in good times and in bad...till death do us part".. Well, this is the BAD part of it, isn't it?

Hence, I've decided I'm going to expose it (see letter below), then after she gets her stuff, to lie low and go into a dark, dark plan B, because that's all the choices I'm left with at this point (correct me if I'm wrong).

But a question:

1. If I expose then plan B, wouldn't the last thing she remembers of me was that I was a complete bast**d for exposing her? How would that even remotely remind her of anything good about the M? Wouldn't that be as good as me telling her to F-O right now and divorce her??

Also, I made a mistake by trusting one of her friends yesterday. He already knows about the A, but didn't quite believe me when I told him it was ongoing, and kept asking me if I was sure. Since I wanted to 'recruit' him to my side, I told him that if he promises not to reveal the evidence I'm about to show him, I would let him take a look and then judge for himself... he agreed and stupidly I forwarded the emails btw WS and OW to him. He later admitted that it looked pretty fishy and was convinced that the A was ongoing and told me to keep trying and not to give up.

Well, last night, WS changed the password on her email! Co-incidence? I think not. I'm not angry with him, but disappointed that someone who considers himself a friend to WS would support and enable her A by doing this. I'm also not upset at the loss of access, I'd proven already that the A was ongoing, but to be stabbed in the back like this, well, I'm fast losing hope in the decency and honesty of mankind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, here is the new letter I'd drafted:

----------------------

Hi everyone,

This is BS, WS's husband.

Some of you may know that our marriage has of late, been very rocky. Well, 'falling apart' is probably closer to the truth. Whatever the reasons you've heard, that's fine: no marriage is perfect, we all know that. I'm writing this email to ask for your help, your prayers and your support for our failing marriage.

Some of you may know that WS and I are now separated -she's moved out of our apartment in March 07. You may have heard numerous reasons for this, but in actual fact, it started after I discovered in December 2006 that WS was having an affair with a colleague at [company name]. What was more shocking was that it was with another woman, a lesbian named OW (I shall refer to her as SW). I was immensely hurt and upset when I found out, but then decided to try and salvage the marriage.

Initially, WS was willing to work on the marriage and even agreed to leave the company and find a new one in order to avoid SW. I know that was a big step for her and I was looking forward to working with her to make a marriage that we would both be happy and satisfied with. When she moved out in mid-March, saying she wanted to "reconsider the marriage" and to have "a fresh new start" I asked her if her choice had anything to do with SW, which she denied. Well, I've since confirmed that the affair was ongoing, and is STILL ongoing. I have attached email correspondance between the two lovers when WS was in the US as proof.

I have always made it clear to WS that I was willing to work to save our marriage, to do whatever it takes to change it for the better, but I would NEVER be part of a 3-way relationship. We tried marriage counselling, but she has refused to return for a second session, and is totoally disinterested in the marriage at this point as she is firmly entrenched in the affair.

I still love my wife very much, and though I have been hurt badly by her infidelity, I am still willing to keep trying. Hence, as her friends, I ask you to support our marriage by encouraging her to end the affair. I would really appreciate any help you are willing to give, because as long as the affair is ongoing, there cannot be any hope for reconcilliation, and I am fast losing hope.

Thank you for your time, and God bless

BS


Attached emails:

blah blah

It's a lot better, but I would run spelling and grammar check before I sent it out.

Heh, thanks... did it in a hurry and haven't taken a second look yet. Should I do it now while she's in the US, or wait until she's moved her stuff out? My friend advised to do it after to avoid any ugly confrontations when she comes by next Sunday.

Dev,

Good morning,

This is a much better letter. Here are a few tweaks.


How true is this? Or, more specifically, did the company ask her to leave or resign or was that a consequence that you enforced. If it's one that you enforced then phrasing it that way is going to toss some amunition her way as she explains that the company wasn't going to take action it was my "controlling husband that made me quit and that's one of the reasons why....."

I'm assuming I remember right and that she more or less "agreed" to quit (reluctantly or whatever) and wasn't asked to leave or wouldn't have been made to leave.

If I'm right, then you might actually be better off spinning that towards the positive by saying something like:

Initially, WW was willing to work on the marriage and she even agreed to leave her job and find a new one in order to avoid OW. I know that was a big step for her and I was looking forward to working with her to make a marriage that we would both be happy and satisfied with. But now, it seems the affair has started back up (see emails)..... .

It puts a "better spin" on what happened. Makes it look like you acknowledge that your wife mades some efforts and makes it seem even more like the affair is at fault. (at least I think)


Quit waffling.

I ask you to support our marriage by encouraging her to end her affair. I would really appreciate any help you are willing to give.

Other than that, much better.

Mys

Well, this is the main reason why I've not been an advocate of exposing in plan B to begin with. You don't expose in B...you expose in A.

My personal thought would be to give a week or two of a tremendous plan A again...to show her what you're worth one last time. See what happens, and remember part of plan A is still pushing to end the affair and establish NC. And if that doesn't work, THEN you send this letter.

I'm sure you'll get other advice...but that's my thoughts, and the reasons for them.

I would say send it, hang around in plan A for a few more weeks until she has calmed back down, and then go to plan B.

Hi Jim,

She moved out of the apartment 3 weeks ago and is still ENTRENCHED in the affair... how do i plan A?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You don't plan B.

When she calls over to scream at you, you don't yell back or hang up, you just listen as long as you can. If she calls you chat with her. See if you can get her to have dinner with you one night. Just no more love busting. Then go dark.

Question: Should I attach the emails as proof? Or just say that I have confirmed, with proof, that the affair is ongoing? I don't feel its very proper to attach private emails to be sent out to a distribution list.. weird I know, but would like your opinions on this.

I'll also give it another shot and write another letter to OW's parents, attaching copies of the emails. Might as well give it one last shot, eh? Will post up the letter up later for your comments. Thanks for all the help

Letter to OW's parents:

----------------------------

Dear Mr and Mrs OW,

My name is BS, WS's husband, and I wrote to you about my wife's affair with SW earlier in the year. I'm not sure if you got my last letter, but I'm writing this letter to explain to you once again what has transpired since the last letter I sent, and to ask for your help and support in saving my marriage.

Basically, after discovering my wife's affair with SW in December, I have been trying to get them to have no contact, which is the only way of ending the affair so that our marriage can have a chance to recover. My wife left [company name] and started work at a new company in Feb/March 2007. Sometime in mid-March, my wife told me she was moving out, saying she wanted to "think about our marriage" and that SW was out of the picture.

Well, I found out since that the affair is still ongoing, and I have attached emails between SW and my wife the past week while my wife was in the US on a business trip, showing that the affair is still going on strong. Perhaps it never stopped.

I have been very hurt by all the lies and am fast losing hope in ever saving my marriage. I still love my wife very much, and our families are also devastated by what has happened. I know that SW is an adult, but as her parents I hope you can pressure her to stop seeing or contacting my wife and to end the relationship with her. I know my wife has lied to her parents and her friends about the affair, and I have no doubt that SW has done the same to protect the affair.

I'm sorry to be the bringer of bad news, but I want to save my marriage very much and I'm sure you can understand that. I am also informing my wife's friends and other family members about the affair as you read this, and I hope if nothing else, the exposure can help to end the affair.

Once again, please contact me if you need any clarification.

Yours sincerely
BS

Thanks Mys.. letter has been edited. Anything else to add?

OK, can you guys help me out with a plan??

Should I expose NOW, then when she comes to collect her stuff, (pissed off like ****** I'm sure!) I don't LB and give her the plan B love letter?

Or wait until she collects her stuff next Sunday, then do the exposure, followed by an email for plan B?

Some suggestions would be very appreciated. Thanks!

I'd probably wait. (I won't comment on the letters till I've had a chance to really think on them, OK?)

Use the pick up time to give her that last Plan A impression. I don't mean pitch in and help -- just be pleasant. Perhaps at least offer refreshments (water or whatever). Let her last view of you be that you're cool, relaxed, in charge and not "boy do I have a bone to pick with you angry."

Mys

OK, think I'll wait until after she collects her stuff then I'll expose to her friends, aunt, sister and OW's parents. My last exposure attempt and will spare nobody on this.

No matter what I do when she gets her stuff, offer drinks, let her have whatever she wants from the house etc, don't think its going to register at all because she'll just think I was being nice in front of her while stabbing her in the back the next day with the exposure. Oh well, I'll have to work with whatever I have.

Just a thought though. The way I see it, I have 2 options:

1. After she gets her stuff, do the nuclear exposure, then plan A if I can (but prob she'll be so pissed she's either going to go for a D, or I'm as good as in plan B). At this stage, exposure may kill A, she may go through withdrawal and decide to come back, but prob not cause she will be MAJOR pissed off by the exposure that she wants nothing to do with me ever. Or,

2. When she gets her stuff, I be nice, try plan-A'ish kind of behavior, no LB, no talk on R or M. Then after that, walk away and do a dark, dark plan B. Let the A run its course after which if she still wants to come back (assuming I haven't moved on for good, or either files for D), then I decide if I want to take her back.

From where I'm standing, option 1 has about as much chance as option 2 of suceeding (or not). Option 1 is of course the more proactive one, but I feel that the chances of pushing her away for good is slightly higher than option 2.

Please give me your opinions on this, as well as on my two exposure letters. Thanks all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Which option is better for you? Never mind what is better for the WS. Because what is better for the WS is toxic for the BS. So expect her to hate you no matter what. That's a sure sign she is a WS and you don't want that kind of character in your life.

When you send that message it will mess up her Ws world.

L.

Hi Orchid,

Well, truth be told, and from what everyone has already seen and observed, I am angry that she continued to lie to me and is still active in the affair, on top of her telling ppl stories to cover up for the A. So exposing her to complicate both their lives and to pull the A out into the sunshine for all to see is more attractive to me at the moment. LOL

However, I'm probably not at the most objective right now (duh!), so I want to go with an option that could give me the highest chance of bringing us back both to the negotiating table, where we at least have a chance to talk. Once you declare war, negotiation becomes a lot harder, and the exposure WILL be seen as a declaration of war by the WS. It may polarize friendships, or rally her friends to support her even more because they will be saying that I'm deliberately airing my dirty laundry for all to see.

You are allowing your decisions t/become clouded with a goal that is not within your control.

Make this decision for your benefit. You can't wonder what if for your W because right now the WS is in control and it is the WS you will be dealing with. If you know your real W well enough, your protecting yourself is something she will understand. She would want you to be protected from the onslaught of the WS.

Don't leave a door open for the WS. Leave it open for your real W. She will know.

L.

Hmmm, this is good advice, and its true. OK, I have decided to be nice when she comes to collect her stuff next Sunday, the do the exposure the next day or so.

My goal is to leave the door open for the W, as you have said, not the WS. So how do I do that when chances are after the exposure she'll probably be SOOO pissed off that she may even file for divorce, threaten to sue me for distributing private emails, or accessing her email account without permission etc?

The WS w/b pizzed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Not your W. Your real W will want the WS to get sooo pizzed, she will leave.

L.

OK thx Orchid. Can you help me out with a PLAN for my next move? I mean, I wait till she comes next week to pick her stuff... I act NORMAL, but nice to her and her friend coming to get their stuff. Give her whatever she wants from our stuff (within reason), don't talk about M or R, don't push about ongoing A.

Then next day, Monday, I mail out the letter to OW's parents, attaching the emails. I send out exposure email to WS's aunt, sister, close friends and maybe to her previous manager (OW's current boss). She will be pissed off, of course, an no matter who calls up, WS, her family, her friends to condemn me, threaten me etc, I maintain that I'm doing it to save my marriage and to end the A.

Any suggestions how I can still tell WS the door is still open for her at this point? Should I send out the plan B letter to her then go dark? Really want to think this through before I make my move. Hope you guys can help me out. Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />