First post here—I’ll try to keep it as concise as possible but please bear with me. My wife and I have been married 11 years, together 13, no kids. We had the classic “love at first sight” experience; in 2 dates we were head over heels for each other and completely faithful and devoted to each other. Best of friends, spent as much time together as possible, etc. Knew we were “the one” for each other immediately and got married with the mutual expectation of “together forever.”

Fast forward—my wife left in July of 2006. She is a typical “walk away wife” as described by Michele Weiner-Davis on her website (www.divorcebusting.com). Told me all the classics:
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore”
“I was so devoted to you, but you forgot about me”
“You took me for granted”
“You ruined such a good thing in us”
“I have been unhappy and felt unloved by you for a long time”
“I tried and tried, but I’m done now”
“We’re just not compatible anymore”
“I just don’t trust you that it will be sustained”
“People don’t change”
“You didn’t listen to me”
Etc, etc.

I saw none of it coming. She withdrew instead of openly and tenderly communicating what was in her heart to me. Basically I unknowingly neglected her emotional needs, unintentionally of course, and didn’t sufficiently speak her primary love language (Quality Time & Conversation in the words of Dr. Gary Chapman of The Five Love Languages fame). By the time I realized it, it was “too late” in her mind. Panicked by her unexpected departure, I started doing all the wrong things—begging, crying, acting depressed, pleading, promising to change, multiple phone calls, flowers, love letters, being needy, etc. I began reading extensively and scouring the internet and realized my mistakes. I apologized profusely to her many times, poured out my heart, asked for another chance, only to hear “I have given you so many chances before.” My efforts to show her quality time were largely rebuffed. There were a few times early in our separation (summer/fall of 2006) when we seemed to be making progress only to see it halted by her refusals to go further. She quit our counseling and withdrew esp. after returning from a marriage seminar help by Chapman we attended in October. The next few months were characterized by her ambivalence and struggling with the Biblical/moral implications of divorce and “trying to get her feelings back” for me. No amount of cajoling about how actively spending time together was necessary for that to happen was convincing to her. She is completely about emotions and those drive her actions (“I had feelings for you before there were any actions when we first met”)

She filed for divorce in January of 2007 and took her remaining personal items from our house. The usual justifications were present (“God wants me to be happy” and “I know love is a choice and I have made a choice”). I found out that she is involved with another man she knows through her work as an interior designer. I know she attended a work/social event with him in late October that we were originally supposed to go to together. She was seen introducing him and my source says they appeared to be “together.” More evidence piled up (pictures of them at a wedding and another event, a Valentine’s Day date, etc. that I knew nothing about at the time). I finally told her that I knew a few weeks ago and knew who the OM was. She didn’t deny when confronted with what I knew but said “we have been friends for a long time but have only entered a ‘relationship’ of recent vintage” and “I didn’t tell you because were are through and this has nothing to do with us.” I know she has been saying to others that I didn’t know and was upset when I confronted her with all I did truly know. I suspect that the lead-in emotional affair long pre-dated the “relationship” as she puts it. She insinuates that her involvement with him is “not about sex or bad things” but I would be greatly surprised if the affair hadn’t turned sexual a while back (she was seen making out with him in public and I know she is, for all practical purposes living with him). He has also bought her a pair of pearl earrings that she knew I had planned on buying her before this whole crisis began.

Needless to say, I am devastated and shell-shocked by all of this. My wife has for so many years been devoted, loving, and faithful. The OM is married, being divorced by his 3rd wife, has kids, works as a handyman, and is 17 years older than she! He is not even good-looking! All of this flies completely in the face of her long-held moral and ethical values (she has been “praying and going to church” regularly during all this time) and is something that she would have strongly advised against to any of her single girlfriends—I know, she has told them so in years past. Yet, she finds ways to justify it—“I love him”, “we are building a family”, “his house is a home where we talk the way I wish you and I would have talked.” She denies completely that my concern for her is justified claiming “don’t worry about me—I haven’t gone off the deep end.” It is all baffling and very hurtful to me. Feel betrayed that she wouldn’t give me a chance to correct my past errors and instead gave herself to another man. Don’t know exactly when the OM went from work acquaintance to EA/PA status, so I am confused as to whether the affair occurred as an escape from our difficulties or is a rebound event after all hope had been exhausted in her mind. Or even if the distinction matters at all! I have asked her to break it off and offered forgiveness to no avail. She stopped taking phone calls from me a long time ago and has only emailed “business” matters a few times since the first of the year. Our divorce is scheduled to be final (we cried for hours and negotiated a settlement agreement a few weeks ago which I am still waiting for her to send me a copy of) in early April—only a few weeks away now. Yes, I have been totally faithful to her since literally our first date.

I have been lurking and reading here for a while about affairs and Plans A/B. One aspect of Plan A seems to be revealing the affair to the offending spouse’s family/friends. Read multiple posts on this. I did that to her father and siblings (I know they are advising her to “go for broke” in a divorce proceeding which she has thus far resisited). FIRESTORM! Her father (who is a Christian) was furious and insulting with me and claimed that I was butting in, using it as an excuse to drive a wedge, avoiding my own responsibility and failures, and, ridiculously, ruining any hopes for reconciliation. He said that she should “nail me to the wall financially” as compensation for what I had done (our settlement agreement was more favorable to me that the law requires—guilt? Care for me? Who knows…) In classic “shoot the messenger” mentality, he told me that I was associating with “slimy gossips” whom I should avoid. I have not heard from her since and haven’t called. Guess I totally messed up again! The last I saw her was 10 days ago in a chance meeting at the hospital I work at (I am a physician, she was there for a doctor’s appt.) and this firestorm happened soon thereafter. I have been on Plan B since. I have very little hope that this can be turned around though I am still willing. Her father suggested to me that her reluctance to forward the settlement agreement copy to me might be because of “2nd thoughts” and that I blew that by my stunt revelation of what I knew. I doubt that and told him that, even if true, no restoration is possible while a 3rd party is in the picture. He agreed and said he did not condone her actions but he was still angry at me. I apologized for any hurt I caused but also said that I was concerned about her, irregardless of us, and that “truth was truth.”

On the advice of a family friend/attorney, I have contacted her attorney to let him know that we do have a signed settlement agreement in place and that I am tired of her stalling on providing me with a copy so I can plan and have closure. Not heard back yet. I don’t know what else to do. I still have faint hope for our marriage as I do still love her and always have but I am torn by the need to protect myself from any possible vindictive behavior. I would rather be with her than any new person as I planned to grow old with her, but could I ever trust her again? Am I just wasting my time by even considering it? What happened to the sweet woman I fell in love with? I don’t even recognize her anymore by these recent actions of the last few months! Am I leaving myself open to more hurt? She had newly ordered books from www.marriagevine.com in her car last week—she says they are about recovery from divorce for her. Why does she need recovery when all she tells me is that she is long over us and is “DONE????”

Any thoughts/advice?????????????????????????????????????????????????

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you have found us.

If I were you, I would keep the settlement if it is legally binding, but I would not push the divorce.

I'm certain that she was having an EA at least, and this is what caused the marriage problems. As long as the other man is in the picture, there is very little hope for your relationship.

We always suggest exposure. It is unfortunate that her father chose to be so nasty about it. But I suppose it hurts to have an adulteress for a daughter.

Time is the best thing you have going, because the affair WILL end, and then she will get her mind back.

Have you exposed them at work?

Believer:

Thanks for your response. She has previously told me that she was planning on moving out by septmeber of last year if she did not see improvement in our relationship (of course, I was completely unaware of these plans back then). What prompted her July departure was a particular nasty arguement we had the day before. I won't go into the details but we had just got back from a trip (one I'd hoped would be one of renewal and romance as we'd both been working too hard for too long) that was anything but. I know now that she knew the OM then and had for quite awhile through her work. I do not believe, you may say I'm naive here, that the EA/PA way yet underway until after our separation. There were some genuinely hopeful moments in those first few months when she still seemed amenable to reconciliation. I cannot prove and probably will never know this, but I suspect the ball got rolling in late October during/after this social event they were both at.

I can just picture conversation and commiseration about their situations (OM's W filed against him in late September) leading to "he listens to me" and "he understands me" type reactions. They would have talked on the phone at least since he is one of the workers she used on various projects.

As for exposure at work, they have done that themselves. I have pictures of them together at a wedding and social events attended by many of the same people who work at her biggest commercial project. So her co-workers and friends through work have seen and have to know already.

Another poster said i should expose them to the OM's estranged wife. Don't know. Not even sure how I could or if it would matter to her. She filed against him in Sept. as i said; I have an address (internet search) but no other info. Seems pretty cheesy to leave a note on her door and the OM has already called me once (on my W's cell) to threaten me and tell me to back off. I doubt he cares what his soon-to-be-ex might say. We live in a no-fault state so infidelity doesn't really cost you anything in a divoprce proceeding.

Thoughts? and thanks again

I think I'm with Believer here. The EA was likely going on before her decision to separate from you. M'd people don't usually separate over an argument.



My FWW told me that, during the middle of her EA and for quite a bit of her PA, she thought that things were better between us. I did as well. Of course that turned out not to be true - it felt "better" because she was hiding the bad things she was doing from me.



Expose anyway. To HR, to managers, and anyone else who might be able to help. Don't assume that because people see them together, they know that they're having an A.



Most definitely! At the very least, it might give her a whole different spin to put on her approach to separation and divorce.



That suggests that he's SCARED of exposure. So what are you waiting on?? The exposure bomb works best when used without warning and on as much people who can influence the A as possible. You might also want to think of getting a digital voice recorder, so the next time you're threatened, you've got a recording of the threat.

How do I expose to OM's wife--leave a note on her door to call or email me?

I don't want to get into any legal trouble or be accused of stalking anyone.

I know she filed against him from online records here in AZ (in sept.) their divorce is farther from finality than our is from what I can tell by the court case summary that is available online.

Thanks

dd, I would just pick up the phone and call her. This is something I would definitely do. It may well be that it was the affair that led to their divorce. The OMW may know more about the affair and could work with you to kill it.

I don't have a phone number!

Ddc

I am so sorry that you find yourself here. It can be a lonely road but you will find much support and solid advice from people who have been in your shoes.

I have to agree with previous postings. I would almost certainly bet that your Wife was involved with this OM long before. It is a fairly common ploy of WS to project their feelings of guilt in regard to their own actions toward the BS as it gives them an "out" . It allows them to feel ok about what they are doing because you are an "awful" spouse. It sounds like your wife was feeling this and saying this for a long time while you were together.

I also agree that your marriage holds out little hope as long as she is involved with the OM. With that said, what do you do now?

I would certainly expose in every possible way. I do think how this exposure is done is important. It is a somewhat difficult balance. Perhaps a letter or email in the vein of:

"I love X, my wife very much. As many of you know, X and I seperated and are in the process of divorce. I have been reluctant to divulge any details of why due to privacy reasons but I have been advised that these things thrive with secrecy. What I tell you now I do so in any effort to save my marriage. I deeply regret telling you that X has been having and affair with Z for some time now. I love X deeply and want my marraige to work but cannot work on my marriage until Z is out of the picture."

Something along those lines. I would suggest scheduling a session w the Harleys on the most effective means to expose, and how to plan B.

On a final note, I also agree that your W's affair *will* end. She *will* see the light and come to deeply regret what she has done. This is little consolation to you now, I know.

All the best to you