Wife had an EA that lasted approximately a year. I found out about it in late December. (3 months ago) The relationship had progressed from “friends”, to sharing intimate details/ problems of our relationship and then evolved into “phone sex”.
The person is a co-worker, but resides 3000 miles away. There has been NC and we both immediately started counseling, individual and couple’s.
What has emerged is she suppressed much of her opinion/ self over a period of our relationship. “Stuffed her feelings” as the MC says. My “controlling” personality did not make her feel free to express herself. When we argued I would raise my voice and did name call (15 times in 15 years). She says that this convinced her to simply not argue and she felt that she could not bring up an issue that I would disagree with for fear of me yelling at her.
During this time we had two children (5 and 7), built a house, and had what I thought was a happy life. In fact up until the discovery of the EA I thought we were a happy, stable couple.
She is a professional and I supported her in pursuing her degree 12 years ago. She has a job that she loves and derives a lot of satisfaction from it.
She has “isolated” herself from her friends on her own volition. When she has chosen to go out with her friends I have always adjusted any conflicts in my schedule to accommodate that.
I did not realize the impact of the name-calling and some of the various aspects of my personality. I am trying to adjust/ making changes in that regards and exploring why I do some of the things that I do.
I contributed to some of what she had done by neglecting our marriage. Primarily after the birth of the children we simply did not make time for one another. We did not go out very often and left little time for one on one conversation.
I have since made changes in those areas and am trying to be a better husband.
She has been remorseful about the EA and says that she did not realize how it was progressing. She says now she can see to how it evolved and that none of her behavior is consistent with her morals or values.
I have learned that approximately 2 years ago she felt like she “can’t keep doing this” and considered leaving if I exhibited the same behavior (explosive personality, yelling, name calling).
We had a particularly difficult week. Our conversations are supposed to take place at the end of the day when there is no distractions. We have both violated that rule which has “derailed” some of the counselor’s efforts.
Those conversations had to deal with her addressing some of my needs and not only focusing on trying to resolve her “issues”. It also involved her feeling “controlled” when I call her work and inquire about her day as well as asking in the morning what she had planned at work that day.
I asked because she likes to talk about work and I wanted to make conversation. I am trying to fill the spot that her EA did (I can talk to him about anything and he is non-judgmental as she put it when I first learned of the EA) I told her that I feel like I have to fill that void and explained my reasoning and insecurity in that regard.
I have not been doing a good job at plan A in regards to talking about my feelings and needs. I have however been working my tail off trying to meet her needs that we identified as previously not being met.
The bottom line is I am being made to feel like the state of our marriage is my fault because of my behavior. Behavior, which I have vowed to change and have begun to do so. I can not control the fact that she never spoke up. (She acknowledges this fact)
None the less I told her that I feel like the gap between us is getting bigger. She said as she learns more about how our past has affected her that it has opened up the gap. I asked if she thought the gap was too big to close….she said that she did not know. I asked if she wanted to close that gap…she said that she did not know.
Am I simply at a point that I need to plan A better and more consistently??

Hi C242,

Did your wife have her EA with my husband?

Oh MY GOSH...except for the timeline and ages of your kids, you could be my OPS (Other Person's Spouse).

NO, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. But yes, there are things you can do to heal and avoid another EA in the future. I see you have 8 other posts so I will read them before I ask questions.

I, too, blamed myself for our 32-year marriage detachment which not only encouraged my husband to pursue having his emotional needs met elsewhere, but because I never suspected it, he had all the 'space' to pursue their 'friendship to fone forniciation' fantasy last spring.

Like your wife, my husband said she was 'non-judgemental and easy to talk with' and that's how he got caught up in the fantasy. He even thought she was ugly and boring, but the excitement kept him hooked for 6 months and 4 Devastation Days. Because of our faith in God, finding MB and our new MC, we now have hope to recover. You can, too.

You've come to the right place. Stick around and others will help you realize why you're not to blame and what you can do. I'm new, but I'll help however I can.

Ace

Hi Again C242,

I just read your previous posts ....at least the ones you did not delete.

In your "Is this progress?" thread, you had some suggestions from some of the best on the boards. Unless I missed something, here are a few questions:

1) What has happened with your wife's job and potential contact with OM?

2) Did you find a new MC or set up an appointment with Steve Harley?

3) Did you expose to the other man's wife?

4) Why did quit responding to the suggestions you were given by Mel, Orchid and others?

It seems folks will be better able to help if you explain where you are on those suggestions and if you link to that post:


Ace