Hi All,

This is my first post here, so it'll be kind of long. Many thanks for those that get through it all!

My husband and I have been together for 13 years; married for 5. We have three children together. In June last year, he confessed to having sex with someone. He works in a bank and says it was a customer who he was friendly with. She invited him to her house and he claims that he thought it was to just "hang out". Well, they had sex...unprotected sex and he contracted Chlamydia...which, I, in turn contracted. After a brief separation (one week!!), we reconciled.

Well, during the time of his cheating and a little before, he'd been talking with a female coworker. They'd talk at work, go to lunch and even talk on the phone for hours. I found out in August last year about the calls. at 1, 2 or 3am and would last until 6 in the morning. He'd call her early in the morning and talk before I got up. He was addicted to calling her. He would sometimes call her 5 or 6 times within the space of an hour or so. When I found out and confronted him, he agreed that it was inappropriate and disrespectful and promised to stop. Well, the only thing that changed was WHERE he called her. He stopped calling her on the home and his cell phone. He started calling her over his sister's house or while he was at work (when she was already off). I found out three weeks ago and made him leave. I went up to his job a few days later to talk with the OW. She still claimed that they were friends and nothing inappropriate was going on. I left it at that, but went up to the job again on 3/1. Husband was there (he’d taken off his wedding band, claiming it was because I’d taken mine off). I asked to see the OW and when she came to me, I asked for her phone. She reluctantly gave it to me. On the phone were text messages from my husband…one of which said that he loved her. I, of course, FREAKED out. I hit the OW a few times, beat the crap out of husband and long story short, have a criminal case pending. L

After I left the job, I was able to get into the OW voicemail. She’d saved two voice messages from hubby. One said “Hey babe, just wanted to hear your voice again. Hopefully, I’ll talk to you later, if not I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you.” Second one “Hey babe, I just wanted to say I love you again”. Both of these messages were left in February while we were still together. To say I’m crushed is putting it lightly. I confronted him and asked why he kept calling her when he’d promised not to…his response “I guess I had an interest”. He’s telling me he thinks he was infatuated with the OW. Despite the text message and the voicemails, he claims he never loved her. Says he doesn’t know why he said it. The OW is married (but separated) with a 1 y/o. Basically during their conversations, he complained about me…saying that I fuss too much, I have an attitude and that I was too controlling. Some of his points are valid….sometimes I did treat him like [censored] and I do have major attitude issues. Since this all came to a head, I recognize the things I need to change within myself, for myself. However, nothing excuses his behavior.

As I sit here, I wonder “Why am I putting myself back in this boat again?” Because, yes, we reconciled about a week ago. I really think I shouldn’t have done it. He promises to change. He promised that when he cheated a year ago. Why should I trust him now? He tells me we need to make it work because we have history and children….why couldn’t he remember this when he was doing me wrong?

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to vent. And to hear some words from someone other than my family. Am I being a fool for taking him back? I’m so tired of being a victim in this marriage. In my heart, I don’t feel that he’ll ever change.

M2, if he is really serious, he should end all contact with the OW, even if it means quitting his job. He should never ever be in contact with her again. He needs to open up his life to you completely, ie: cellphone passwords, email logi-ins etc.

He should also send the OW a no contact letter telling her to never ever contact him again. [I will post a sample] The letter should be written together and sent by you.

I would also suggest getting ahold of her husband and giving him all the information about the affair. Since they are married he has a right to know everything. You might even tell her parents if you know how to get ahold of them, but her H must be told no matter what.

Those are the immediate steps you should take. The next step will be to find out what has led him to cheat. If the problem is not rooted out and corrected, this will happen again and again. Some books that you should get ASAP would be Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. They can help you understand infidelity and how to fight it.

Here is a good link that can help you today: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

sample no contact letter:

Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she's been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Hi Melody,

Thanks so much for responding. This road I'm on is one I never thought I'd be on, so learning what to do is quite mind-boggling.

On 3/6 he first attempted to come back. We talked a bit, but I gave him the impression that i didn't want him back. On 3/9, I told him I would think about it, but not before he told her the "friendship" was over. He texted her that night saying "We are talking about getting back together". She called him then and they talked for 15 minutes. He tells me that he told her that he loved me and wanted things to work between us. He says that he told her that he realizes that the friendship got out of hand. He also said that he told her that a lot of the things he'd told her (my attitude, fussiness, etc) was an exaggeration and that it was not me, but him, who was the problem in our relationship. He says that he told her that he wanted to do right by me and that I didn't deserve the way he'd been messing up. I have access to his (and her) phone records and he doesn't know it. Ever since 3/6 when he first tried to reconcile, he didn't call her. She, however, called him many times. Most of which he didn't answer. He only answered on 3/9 to tell her that we were trying to work it out. In my heart, I believe that because of how things went down (me confronting them both, it getting physical, police involvement, etc), he realizes that this is "IT". He seems truly apologetic, but again, I don't know if it'll last. He tells me that he'll do whatever necessary to make things right. He changed his cell phone # the day after he told her they couldn't talk anymore (Sidenote: he did that in August...but resumed calling her, so changing the # proved fruitless). He also says that he'll transfer jobs. The coworker says that she accepted a job offer last Monday. She hasn't given any notice to the job yet, so I have my doubts. I've told hubby that unless she gives notice and/or leaves within 2 weeks, he'll have to transfer. He agrees that this is fair.

At this point, I can't help but think that unless he changes within himself, the job location won't matter. I'm looking into finding a counselor for us to see. Although he knows this whole mess is bad, I don't think he finds it as horrible as I do, because it didn't get physical.

ps. I did contact OW's husband. He's in the military and was away at sea in February. He came home last weekend. Not sure that he cares as much because they're separated. When hubby told OW that he was trying to make things right with me, she told him that she was going to try to make her marriage work......she later told him that she wasn't going to make it work. She lives with her mother....and she's 21. (I'm 26; hubby is 28). She is also talking to several other guys about having a relationship. Basically, she's a wh$re.

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Believe me, it does matter very much. In fact, it is the most urgent impediment to your recovery. Your H cannot withdraw from this affair until all contact ends. And that cannot happen until he stops seeing her at work.

I would also suggest, again, that he send her the no contact letter as outlined above. It is the first step in restoring trust and may just discourage her.