First post here—I’ll try to keep it as concise as possible but please bear with me. My wife and I have been married 11 years, together 13, no kids. We had the classic “love at first sight” experience; in 2 dates we were head over heels for each other and completely faithful and devoted to each other. Best of friends, spent as much time together as possible, etc. Knew we were “the one” for each other immediately and got married with the mutual expectation of “together forever.”

Fast forward—my wife left in July of 2006. She is a typical “walk away wife” as described by Michele Weiner-Davis on her website (www.divorcebusting.com). Told me all the classics:
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore”
“I was so devoted to you, but you forgot about me”
“You took me for granted”
“You ruined such a good thing in us”
“I have been unhappy and felt unloved by you for a long time”
“I tried and tried, but I’m done now”
“We’re just not compatible anymore”
“I just don’t trust you that it will be sustained”
“People don’t change”
“You didn’t listen to me”
Etc, etc.

I saw none of it coming. She withdrew instead of openly and tenderly communicating what was in her heart to me. Basically I unknowingly neglected her emotional needs, unintentionally of course, and didn’t sufficiently speak her primary love language (Quality Time & Conversation in the words of Dr. Gary Chapman of The Five Love Languages fame). By the time I realized it, it was “too late” in her mind. Panicked by her unexpected departure, I started doing all the wrong things—begging, crying, acting depressed, pleading, promising to change, multiple phone calls, flowers, love letters, being needy, etc. I began reading extensively and scouring the internet and realized my mistakes. I apologized profusely to her many times, poured out my heart, asked for another chance, only to hear “I have given you so many chances before.” My efforts to show her quality time were largely rebuffed. There were a few times early in our separation (summer/fall of 2006) when we seemed to be making progress only to see it halted by her refusals to go further. She quit our counseling and withdrew esp. after returning from a marriage seminar help by Chapman we attended in October. The next few months were characterized by her ambivalence and struggling with the Biblical/moral implications of divorce and “trying to get her feelings back” for me. No amount of cajoling about how actively spending time together was necessary for that to happen was convincing to her. She is completely about emotions and those drive her actions (“I had feelings for you before there were any actions when we first met”)

She filed for divorce in January of 2007 and took her remaining personal items from our house. The usual justifications were present (“God wants me to be happy” and “I know love is a choice and I have made a choice”). I found out that she is involved with another man she knows through her work as an interior designer. I know she attended a work/social event with him in late October that we were originally supposed to go to together. She was seen introducing him and my source says they appeared to be “together.” More evidence piled up (pictures of them at a wedding and another event, a Valentine’s Day date, etc. that I knew nothing about at the time). I finally told her that I knew a few weeks ago and knew who the OM was. She didn’t deny when confronted with what I knew but said “we have been friends for a long time but have only entered a ‘relationship’ of recent vintage” and “I didn’t tell you because were are through and this has nothing to do with us.” I know she has been saying to others that I didn’t know and was upset when I confronted her with all I did truly know. I suspect that the lead-in emotional affair long pre-dated the “relationship” as she puts it. She insinuates that her involvement with him is “not about sex or bad things” but I would be greatly surprised if the affair hadn’t turned sexual a while back (she was seen making out with him in public and I know she is, for all practical purposes living with him). He has also bought her a pair of pearl earrings that she knew I had planned on buying her before this whole crisis began.

Needless to say, I am devastated and shell-shocked by all of this. My wife has for so many years been devoted, loving, and faithful. The OM is married, being divorced by his 3rd wife, has kids, works as a handyman, and is 17 years older than she! He is not even good-looking! All of this flies completely in the face of her long-held moral and ethical values (she has been “praying and going to church” regularly during all this time) and is something that she would have strongly advised against to any of her single girlfriends—I know, she has told them so in years past. Yet, she finds ways to justify it—“I love him”, “we are building a family”, “his house is a home where we talk the way I wish you and I would have talked.” She denies completely that my concern for her is justified claiming “don’t worry about me—I haven’t gone off the deep end.” It is all baffling and very hurtful to me. Feel betrayed that she wouldn’t give me a chance to correct my past errors and instead gave herself to another man. Don’t know exactly when the OM went from work acquaintance to EA/PA status, so I am confused as to whether the affair occurred as an escape from our difficulties or is a rebound event after all hope had been exhausted in her mind. Or even if the distinction matters at all! I have asked her to break it off and offered forgiveness to no avail. She stopped taking phone calls from me a long time ago and has only emailed “business” matters a few times since the first of the year. Our divorce is scheduled to be final (we cried for hours and negotiated a settlement agreement a few weeks ago which I am still waiting for her to send me a copy of) in early April—only a few weeks away now. Yes, I have been totally faithful to her since literally our first date.

I have been lurking and reading here for a while about affairs and Plans A/B. One aspect of Plan A seems to be revealing the affair to the offending spouse’s family/friends. Read multiple posts on this. I did that to her father and siblings (I know they are advising her to “go for broke” in a divorce proceeding which she has thus far resisited). FIRESTORM! Her father (who is a Christian) was furious and insulting with me and claimed that I was butting in, using it as an excuse to drive a wedge, avoiding my own responsibility and failures, and, ridiculously, ruining any hopes for reconciliation. He said that she should “nail me to the wall financially” as compensation for what I had done (our settlement agreement was more favorable to me that the law requires—guilt? Care for me? Who knows…) In classic “shoot the messenger” mentality, he told me that I was associating with “slimy gossips” whom I should avoid. I have not heard from her since and haven’t called. Guess I totally messed up again! The last I saw her was 10 days ago in a chance meeting at the hospital I work at (I am a physician, she was there for a doctor’s appt.) and this firestorm happened soon thereafter. I have been on Plan B since. I have very little hope that this can be turned around though I am still willing. Her father suggested to me that her reluctance to forward the settlement agreement copy to me might be because of “2nd thoughts” and that I blew that by my stunt revelation of what I knew. I doubt that and told him that, even if true, no restoration is possible while a 3rd party is in the picture. He agreed and said he did not condone her actions but he was still angry at me. I apologized for any hurt I caused but also said that I was concerned about her, irregardless of us, and that “truth was truth.”

On the advice of a family friend/attorney, I have contacted her attorney to let him know that we do have a signed settlement agreement in place and that I am tired of her stalling on providing me with a copy so I can plan and have closure. Not heard back yet. I don’t know what else to do. I still have faint hope for our marriage as I do still love her and always have but I am torn by the need to protect myself from any possible vindictive behavior. I would rather be with her than any new person as I planned to grow old with her, but could I ever trust her again? Am I just wasting my time by even considering it? What happened to the sweet woman I fell in love with? I don’t even recognize her anymore by these recent actions of the last few months! Am I leaving myself open to more hurt? She had newly ordered books from www.marriagevine.com in her car last week—she says they are about recovery from divorce for her. Why does she need recovery when all she tells me is that she is long over us and is “DONE????”

Any thoughts/advice?????????????????????????????????????????????????

dd, I am sure sorry you are here, welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds to me like she left over an affair. I think the state of the marriage probably made her vulnerable to an affair, but everything you have said that she said, leads me to believe that an affair precipitated her departure.

That being said, her affair likely will not last. 95%+ of affairs do not last because they are based on fraud and deceit. Once the affair is out in the open it will start crumbling. He cannot ever trust her and she already knows he has no respect for marriage. That is very flimsy foundation on which to start a relationship and is why most affairs crumble eventually.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? This would be a very helpful book to you along with His Needs, Her Needs. They will help you understand the dynamics of an affair and the principles of Plan B. SAA is bar none, the best book on affairs I have ever read because of Dr. Harley's superior insight.

When you say you are in Plan B do you mean you officially sent her a letter giving her a path back and asking her to stop contacting you? What were your relations like before that time? Do you feel you left a good taste in her mouth or was the climate hostile and full of conflict?

Have you talked to the OM's wife? Who told you that she's divorcing him? If it was anyone other than the OM's wife who told you, you can't count on it being accurate.

I think Plan B is due... reading your story

BTW ... sounds like the exposure conversation with WW's "Christian" father happened AFTER she'd already introduced OM to the family ! Soooooo, it was not really "exposure" ... her family already knew him and have met him ... I bet'cha!

and, WW's father reaction is all about justification what he knows is a sin....

WW poisoned the exposure before it happened ... YOU did nothing wrong there

What sort of an MD are you? The reason I ask, some MDs spend very little time at home ... are you one?

Pep

Pepper:

I alluded to what i knew about the OM to her dad of the phone a week or two prior so he had some fore-knowledge, yes. The "exposure" I did was a detailed email to him and her sisters. I'm sure they did not know at all as her dad rarely talks to them (long story) and they ALL live a thousand miles away from us.

Of course, my father-in-law didn't want to hear anything about his daughter than makes her look bad. Its much easier to blame me.

I'm an anesthesiologist and no I spend lots of time home and take lots of vacation time. Only work late a few days/month.

DDC

a gas passer

I have to tell you that I just read your thread, and instantly KNEW that your WW's affair would never last. It is this part right here:

I do not know if your M will survive, frankly a lot of that depends on how long you can hang in there. But I can say, with 100% certainty that her A will not last. this man is on divorce number 3. So in other words, each time his own M got a little tough, he bailed out. And each time, he felt the need to find the next replacement. And it sounds to me like he has learned that the best way to a woman’s heart is to listen to her problems, act like you are sympathetic, and tell her everything she wants to hear. I would imagine that he has never once said to her: you know, if I were your H I would have probably reacted the same way he did" No. Instead, when she tell shim all about what a horrible H you were, he says things like "I am so sorry - you deserve better - I could never do that to you - you are so precious" gag. The reality is that we ALL have good days and bad days. We ALL can look back over our life and see things we wish we had done better. So right now, you see what you could have done better, and you want to do better in the future. But for her, this man is telling her lies about how he would never hurt her, he would treat her like a queen, he is the perfect man. Oh yeah? If he is so great, what happened to wife 1,2,and 3? (Don't EVER say that to your WW, she would just tell you that ALL of those other women did not understand him!!)

On the outside, we can all see that her R is headed for disaster. M is tough. It is tough the first time - 50% divorce rate. It is harder the 2nd and 3rd time. Do you know that with each M the D rate is higher? At M number 3 I believe the D rate is 70%. What does that say for your WW if she actually becomes his 4th??? It is really sad to even think about. Add to that the added strain from the age difference, and the added strain of step kids, and there is just no way. I feel sorry for your WW, this guy has really fooled her.

If you can hang in there, and bide your time until the A falls apart, I truly believe that some day she will look back and see what an awful mistake she has made. I truly believe that.

Problem is, a lot will happen in the next few weeks/months. She will say awful things to try to justify her bad behavior. Especially since she was once a moral person. Her guilt will be strong, and she will try to make up awful reasons for what she has done.

So the question will be, can you hang in there? Will you be able to ignore the "fog talk"? The awful things that she will say in order to justify her actions? Will you be able to keep your self-busy by working on yourself, and your own issues, and not worrying about what she is doing?

You can use this time for your own growth. Reading, learning, exercising, etc. And if you fill your time with positive activities, you will be so much better off.
But, if you spend these next weeks/months constantly worrying abut what she is doing, or thinking, or saying, then eventually you will grow to resent her. And then, when the A falls apart, you won't even care.

By the way - I fear that the only reason she has not forwarded the settlement to you is because she is too busy trying to keep up with her A life. It takes a lot of time and energy to keep that fantasy alive.
I also fear that the book she had in the car, may be her attempt to find a way that she could make a M work with the OM. I do not say that to hurt your feelings (although I know it does). I say that so you will not be surprised later. If she were having second thoughts about the D, she would be saying so. I fear that any 2nd thoughts she is having right now are more about the settlement itself. That does not mean that your marriage is doomed! It is just a typical thing for a WW to do right about now. She is looking forward to the future. She KNOWS that this OM has several strikes against him. If one of her friends were talking about building a family with him she would be trying to talk her out of it. So she is trying to figure out how she can beat the odds. Yoru W is a smart woman. She is looking for ways to make this work. But the problems is, it can not work, and everything she reads is just going to further warn her that a R built on lies, is doomed.

WOF5:

Thank you for your post. No, you didn't hurt me you helped me greatly. THANK YOU.

I am sure your right about her R with the OM not lasting for obvious reasons. She has even given me indications that she knows this.

Yes, i am deeply regretful the mistakes I made that made her feel unloved. Of course, it was never true but I was neglectful and did take for granted what we had. There is no divorce in my family and its prospect with respect to us NEVER occurred to me. Sometimes I feel like such a fool for overlooking the little things that would have avoided all this.

I spoke with her attorney today about the settlement agreement. Sadly, he was actually a pleasant guy so I couldn't hate him. He told me that she submitted the agreement to him last week, its official and legally binding now, and a copy is in the mail to me. He also told me that she signed (the official what ever you call it) ALA, i.e. against legal advice. He told me (and I knew this) that it was far more generous to me than she could have received if she wanted to. That is at least one thing off my mind--the idea that she was withholding action to back me into a corner and make more demands. He also advised me and her to have no more contact as "you were both behaving like 6 year-olds when you met up." He knows about our chance encounters and told me that she felt like she was being stalked and was close to obtaining an order of protection which she didn't want to do to avoid hurting me. He said that "you don't want that either so just avoid any contact with each other."

In addition, he said that he could tell at their meeting last week that "she was at the end of her rope" with this whole thing and that she clearly "still had positive feelings for you."

After thanking him and hanging up I cried for an hour... I know I have to find a way to let go, but she is quite literally the only woman I have ever truly loved. No, I don't understand. Maybe some gal out there who has been a divorce initiator against her H whom she formerly loved deeply can explain this to me. How does a W come to the conclusion that her M is no longer worth anything? How does my W (who has told me "I know you are a good man, I know you are sorry for hurting me, and I know you did truly love me") just walk away????

Yes, she is very smart and savvy but I don't get why she wouldn't give me just one more chance to love her better than she imagined!

The atty told me that the settlement agreement will be submitted to the judge in early April and will be signed off on by him/her generally in 7-10 days. He said "get through this and maybe you two can leter rebuild a friendship and who knows what else." More tears...why can't we just do that now??? Rebuilding our friendship was something she talked about early in our separation last summer/fall but I probably over-pursued, begged, acted pathetic, etc. and drive her away. the OM probably filled that void soon thereafter as a figure of understanding and stability.

Thank you agagin for your thoughts, I will leave her completely alone which is all I can do anyway and pray.

I have never felt so alone in all my life...

It ain't over till it's over....

your WIFE will come to her senses

eventually

WHO do you have in your life as a support person now? Are your parents around?

Pep

I want to caution you about her claims of “I know you are sorry for hurting me” – don’t allow her to put the burden of her shoulders on you.
I understand that there are things you could have done better in your M. We ALL can say that, every single one of us. BUT that does not excuse her A. And don’t let her fool you – this A started long ago. I do not want to beat up your wife here, but I recognize the stage you are at right now. You feel guilty for not appreciating her more, not loving her more. If only…

BUT, that does not make it ok to dump your spouse. And it does not make it ok to have an A. Every one of us will have times when we feel like we are not appreciated. And every one of us will have times when we do not fully appreciate our loved ones. None of us is perfect. My children don’t fully appreciate me – does that mean I can dump them? Sometimes my H showers me with attention; sometimes he is too pre-occupied with other issues. That doesn’t make it ok to dump him. That is why we got married. That is why we agreed to stay together through sickness and health, for better or worse, because there will be tough times. So if you have apologized to her for taking her for granted, not meeting her needs, etc, then let that stuff go now. All you can do now is work on becoming the type of man who will some day be a great H to someone. Hopefully, you will be a great husband to this wife. You really do not know what the future will hold. But no matter what happens, you want to work on becoming the type of man who can be a good H. And trust me – your WW will notice the changes in you. You won’t have to point them out, she will know.

You ask why she won’t; give you another chance? It is simple; she THINKS she has found a better alternative. It is a crazy idea – that is why we say that a WW is in the fog. In her fogged out mind, this OM is her soul mate. Those other wives never really understood him, and his needs. Her H never understood her. But now they have finally found each other, and after all, God would want them to be happy. She knows in her mind that it is wrong. But her feelings try to convince her that they can somehow make this work. That as long as they are together they will always feel happy happy.

So when the A finally falls apart, she will begin to realize that you were not such a bad H after all. Sure you had your problems, but then again, so does OM, and so will any man. But at least with you she had a man who was faithful, who did not have a lot of baggage from past marriages. And her M with you was something she used to be proud of. She could go out in public with you. (Every time she goes out with OM she faces the possibility that she will see a mutual friend of yours, and potentially have to explain who he is. yuck!)

My M to my WH ended in D. I went through much of what you are going though now. Eventually, his A did end – and he did try to come home – but it was a feeble attempt, and by then I was so disgusted with him that I decided it was best just to stay divorced from him. Today I am happily married to a wonderful man. I would not change my life for anything. But, there are times when I realize that a second marriage is just plain harder than a first marriage. My H is a wonderful Christian man. H was divorced for 7 years before he met me. He works hard at our M. But still, there are issues with stepchildren, issues with his Ex. There are times when he tells stories about things he did in his twenties, and I feel a pang of hurt knowing that he was married to someone else then. This is the reality of a starting over later in life. This is the baggage we deal with. Your wife does not understand any of that yet. She thinks it is easy just to take a “do-over”. If you can hang in there, learn as much as you can about relationships, you will someday see an opening to reconcile with her.

And don’t listen to her lawyer. He doesn’t do marriage – he does divorce.

P.S. - you need to answer Peps question above!

Oh, that is such GOOD NEWS about the settlement. Let's hope it goes through okay. It is unusual for a WS to be that fair in a settlement. Usually they want it ALL. So you have dodged a bullet there. Because if your wife got a ton of money and blew it all on the jerk she is with, it would cause more resentments.

Now, stay in a good Plan A. I would really avoid her right now, until she is less stressed. Be sure you are calm and cheerful when you DO have dealings with her.

In the meantime, try to be living a satisfying life. Go out and do things you enjoy and do a good job of taking care of yourself. Don't expect her to help at all right now.

your wife sounds like my H

and her family is acting like my H family did and still is

i'm sorry this is happening to you

ddc07,

First, let me say you did a great job describing your situation. You can find explanations for your wife's behavior in Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

But you've been given good advice here. Womanoffaith5 does a particularly good job of showing you what you are up against.

I agree completely with her. Your wife's affair will end, as most do, but that is no assurance that she will return to you. Whether that happens or not depends on several factors, some of which are within your control and some which are not.


I'm sure that most of the people who contribute to this forum have felt the same way; I know I have. You are going to have some really bad days ahead, but eventually things will get better. And that is true whether your marriage recovers or not.

Now is the time you need to rely on friends and family to keep from going crazy. Focus on improving yourself so you can beginning restoring your damaged self-esteem, and realize that no matter what has occurred in your marriage, this is not your fault. People don't solve marital problems by having affairs, they just create new ones. And they know that. Since romantic affairs like this are emotionally driven, forget about appeals to your wife based on logic or reason.

You are lucky in one sense; you don't have children. You aren't forced to maintain contact with her because of custody. Stay away from her so you don't get consumed by the pain.

If she wants to come back, she will. And if she does come back, you'll need to decide what to do from that point.

This is going to demand extraordinary patience on your part.

Good luck.

Thanks, everyone, for the posts. Yes, I do have people around for support (good friends); my parents are coming in to visit next week.

The settlement finality was a big load off my mind. Yes, in a strictly legal sense, it is generous on her part (although she is till getting plenty believe me). On a moral and ethical level though, she doesn't deserve a dime of it. Sorry to sound mean, but I do feel like WOF5 stated, that no matter what problems there were in our M, there is NO EXCUSE for an A and she has no justification, esp. Biblically, to seek divorce!

You all keep saying "don't kid yourself. this A began long ago." I wish I could know that (truly when) for some peace of mind and just to get all the lies and deception out at once. I hate finding out new deceptions as time goes on--rather get it ALL out. I can only trace the EA back to late Oct. (best info I have) and the PA back until prob. January. Everyone here seems to think it goes way back further than that, even before we separated in July...

I am sure my situation will go like yours, WOF5. The legal divorce will be final in a month or so; it would take a miracle right now for her to change her mind given that she has lost her feelings for me and has them for OM. I'm sure that the A will end; maybe at that point she will contact me again. By then, I doubt I will be receptive...

Hang out here

read
post
vent

Pep

ddco7,

The inappropriateness of her new "man" screams at all of us here.

Do something with your life as Dr Pittman advises.

Hopefully when she starts to look if you are still there, you will. Often times when the WS returns the BS has moved on or their criteria in mates has been modified drastically.

This why you need to stay away from her. As you begin to recover your self-esteem your resentment for what she is doing will increase. After all, you aren't getting any of your emotional needs met either. That can only happen so long before you lose all desire to save your marriage, and when you lose that, the marriage stands very little chance of being saved.

Now notice that I say "marriage" even though you may soon be divorced. It turns out that it isn't all that unusual for divorced people to re-marry each other, or as is more often the case, live together again.

Another thing, you are vulnerable to having an affair yourself, particularly since the profession you're in is notorious for that kind of behavior.

Be wary.