This is being posted for a friend of mine...please help. She and I are both having problems with our bf's. I will call her Mary and him Jim.

Mary started dating Jim almost a year ago (he is a trucker). He had several gf's out on the road and she knew about them. He has called himself polyamorous. And she has been accepting of this, since he has been very honest and forthcoming about his other relationships.

He does however have a primary relationship with one of the women that he dates and Mary is considered a secondary relationship. This is the part that she is having trouble dealing with...sharing his love.

I've tried to tell her that she deserves better than this but she keeps telling me how fantastic he is. He is so open and honest, a gentleman, best lover she has ever had, and appears to love her very much.

What she wants to know is if there is anyway that she can quit feeling so insecure in this relationship? And also if any men might share why they finally chose one woman over another?

How can she become secure in an relationship that is not secure? He dates others that she knows of and seems to have a problem with the fact that he might pick one over her.
I'm sorry but just because some one is a great lover does not make he a great catch.

She is 2nd best in a list of many? She seems to think that he will pick just one why should he when he is living the lif of Reily....

I'm a frmale so this is just my opinion but I think most men on his shoes will pick the woman that will cause he the less grieft

Youre kidding me right? Open and honest and a tom cat. Gentleman, best lover, fantastic? Sex addict, abuser of womens emotions, walking STD factory.

MY GOD. We live in a country where women are free to choose their mates and we actually have women who fool with nonsense like this. Please tell your friend to wake up and quit squandering her freedom like a fool. She should use her freedom WISELY and use some common sense when choosing a mate. Good grief...

diana,

Seems to me it's obvious that your friend is NOT polyamorous herself, else she would not be worried about having this man all to herself. The very definition of polyamory would require her to be very comfortable with a situation in which he would NOT be required to choose her over anyone else, and in which she would be comfortable with being one of many women, and in which she would also have other men besides him.

That being said, I would ask her if she is SURE that his other women are aware of HER existence. I smell a rat - a married rat - in the guise of a man who says he has the permission of his other women to be "polyamorous". She just might want to check in with "woman number one" to be sure - and do some checking to find out if he is married to one of them.

I'm sure that he has lots of women. Your BF is in line for his use.

Also, why should he pick? He doesn't have to pick. He can lie, and tell your BF he has chosen her. Then, get in his truck, go down the road to the next woman he has told the same lie to. And make her feel good for about the same amount of time.

And lie to her as he leaves. Because as he spreads his "love" around, it gets thinner and thinner, doesn't it? It's gotten pretty thin - too thin - for Mary.

AND JIM IS GETTING HIS FIRST, ALL THE TIME.

JIM FIRST.
JIM ALL THE TIME.

WHY IN HE/L SHOULD HE CHOOSE ANY OF THEM?

It's not about LOVE at all. It is only about selfishness. Don't let Mary make this mistake - it is NOT about love with this man. It is about:

HIM. And only about him.



There's a reason why polygamy and polyamory don't work out. Your BF is a poster child for the reason.

He did choose one woman over her and she feels heartbroken now. He has made her world a place of turmoil. He tells her one day that he doesn't want to see or hear from her...then he calls and ask her to meet him. Then tells her that he wants to talk to her on the phone and the next day tells her that he wants to be faithful to this one woman. Wants to cease all contact for one month. What gives with this A$$?

What gives with HER that she would volunteer for that? WHY? Why would she choose to live like that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

"Polyamorous". Whoever coined that little gem should be shot at dawn.

You should really change the title to "BF is a cheating piece of scum." I think that's what "polyamorous" really means.

One word...

PLAYER.

committed

From your other thread, as it relates (and really, isn't this you that you're talking about here?):


No, but that's not the point. You don't try 2 change others, you can only control your actions. After 11 years with this guy, knowing he was unfaithful before you started seeing him and that he is still, what do you think?


No, but that's not the point either. Can you save yourself? That's the only individual you have control over. Not him, and not your GF and her BF and his OGFs


Get a globe and read the lati2de and longti2de of your home town. Write those values down. Then, change the sign on both numbers. If that new coordinate is in the middle of an ocean, spiral out from there until you come across a landmass.

Then, move there.

I hear parts of South Africa are quite nice.


But it doesn't sound like you love yourself, and if you don't love your self enough 2 insist on a faithful relationship with your SO, then you're setting yourself up for further disappointments with the trucker.

-ol' 2long

LOL @ KiwiJen

How 'bout "polyamorphous"

Not just shapeless, but on more than one level...

hmmmm....polygamy by any other name....

fornication....because we are just animals anyway....

"Be just one of the Pride, it's Nature's Way!

"You're HOW OLD?!?!

"What's a commitment look like?"

"Women are so gullable and needy that they are ready to believe anything to FEEL 'loved' and 'needed.'" (Motto of the "keep on truckin' giggolo.") The "working man's" answer to the Navy's image of a "girl in every port."

And the "World" has a "better idea??!!??"

Seriously....that is one very lonely woman.

I've read your other threads about your boyfriend.

It doesn't matter what we think. What matters is what he does. Do you really think he will give up his long-term pattern of behavior just because you want him too?

Remember that history repeats itself over and over unless people learn the lessons from the past.

He didn't tell the primary woman of his affections - the one he spent $1600 on - that he wasn't ever going to see her again. He told her that he wanted a one month break to work on his relationship with you. So, most of the time he's away from you. What kind of work can he really do.

"Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result."

Diana,

Please, he is not polyamorous.

Nor are you (or, if you prefer, "your friend").

This is a garden-variety WH (I tend to think he's married somewhere).

I think you've wasted lots of time with him, and you're thinking.....

Man, I have lots of time invested with this guy. I would look like a fool if I just broke it off with him at this point. After all, I've told everybody that I'm okay with this polyamory thing. When in fact, I'm really not feeling that way anymore. If I tell people that I've had a change of heart about it, I will look foolish. People will think that I'm ..... or I'm ..... (you can fill in the blanks yourself). If I break up with him, nobody else will want me, because they will think I was such a fool for hanging on for so long with a guy who obviously was such a player. How could I have been so used? How could I have not seen this? Why didn't I listen to my friends? Why won't he choose me over the others? What's wrong with me that I can't get him to just pick me? I would be willing to do anything, well maybe not anything, I don't know, well, I just love him but he just needs to give me another chance, he......I feel so hurt and used. But have I wasted this time? I can't feel like that! If I have wasted all this time I will not be able to forgive myself - if I can just get him back then I won't have wasted this time and things will be okay, I won't feel like I threw away all this invested time waiting for him. When now it really looks like I did throw it away. For what?



Should I go on? Or am I just playing the record in your own head? You get my point, Diana. Your investment was not in a good bank. Your decision is whether to keep your money there or not.

I vote:

NOT.

How do you vote?

Your friend needs to start calling the shots. She needs to go completely no-contact with him. She can leave the door open for him, should he ever decide to give up his "polyamorous" lifestyle (don't hold your breath).

If he truly isn't married... and yes I do smell a rat .. then your friend is being very foolish to set herself up for such heartbreak.
The man is obviously quite happy dating women as and when he finds them, its called playing the field, or dating.

And if he is actually being up front he's saying he does not want a single committed relationship...he wants as much as he can get.
Don't let her kid herself that she can 'save' him. If he wanted commitment he would seek it.

She can either continue in a shallow mostly one sided relationship wondering about STD's and other issues until she decides to move on or move on now to find something better.

Her choice. Most of us have at least gone out with someone similar ... hes not special except in his own mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So, what is the real scoop here?

<a href="www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB12&Number=3203060&Searchpage=1&Main=3203060&Words=+diana49&topic=&Search=true#Post3203060" target="_blank">From PREMARRIAGE BOARD</a> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

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Tell your friend to NC Jim. He ain't worth it.

L.