I know as the wayward part, I should control my temper and stay cool, not argue, not defend myself and always keep my hurt partner's feelings in mind etc. etc. But he talked to the guy, S, I cheated on him with and S lied to him about ton of things we didn't do, and my boyfriend believed S with all his heart. I didn't think he's so gullible. But what happened now is that every so often he brought up things that S said to him that he and I did when in fact we didn't do at all. I have no problem admitting everything S and I did, no problem staying cool, no problem not arguing or defending myself.. but whenever it comes to the point my boyfriend starts to bring up things that S deliberately lied to him about me, and starts to accuse me of doing those things with S, I got very angry because S knew exactly how important my boyfriend is to me and that I was in love with him, he deliberately lied to my boyfriend to hurt him and indirectly hurt me too. (Just some explanation why S would do this: he and I dated and he got really serious with me and wanted to be with me but I didn't think so and turned him down many times... I think I hurt his feelings.. and so when my boyfriend called him, he lied about everything he could lie about.) I'm not trying to justify myself... and not complaining. I'm just seeking help how I can stay calm and cool and not lose my temper when my boyfriend brings up things he heard from S again? It's hard for me to admit what I didn't do and claim guilty for what I didn't do. Does anyone have similar experience...? Any tip how to cope with it?:(

Very calmly say that you learned the importance of speaking only the truth but you can't control which he chooses to believe. Then tell him that you HOPE he knows how to tell the truth vs the lie.

Leave it in his hands.

L.

I hope you understand the next level of pain for your betrayed <edit> boyfriend is not the getting it on with another man, but the loss of knowing HOW and WHO to trust.

The rest of what I had to share, just isn't relevant, as you're not married. If you were the one betrayed, everyone here would be warning you to get out of the relationship for good - and find someone a lot more deserving of your tears!

they are not married Kayla

Pep

Can you blame him for not believing in you? I wouldn't believe you if I KNOW you to be a liar and a cheat..see, he doesn't feel safe with you and in order for him to believe you, you will have to prove to him that you are the one telling him the truth. Looking at it objectively though... he must be weighing who has hurt him the most and who gains the most from lying. That answer will always come back to you... it is sad... but it is true.
This is one of the consequences of lying to those we care about... your words loses its credibility.
The best thing you could do for your BF at this point... assuming there are no children involved.. is to cut him lose and let him start his life over again with someone that he doesn't have this baggage with. As of right now... you and your ex A partner have put a major monkey wrench in his life and frankly there may be no way out of it since neither of you is credible in your BF's eyes.

I wish you luck in life.

MEDC

In that case, the whole discussion is moot, since the BF is better off with a clean slate with someone else who doesn't take him for granted before the wedding, let alone after. Pre-marital sex is problematic - where are the boundaries - I mean, really? Faithfulness is as outdated as chastity with some people!

The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing is basically like a job interview... for life. You failed miserably.

If you really want to keep this man for life you need to prove to him that's what you want. I know some of these people are telling you let him go but if you really love him and intend on remaining faithful to him you have to try.

You have to figure out for yourself why this happened and how to prevent it in the future. You have to work out your own issues before you even think about working on your relationship with this man.

This isnt "guaranteed" but if you want it bad enough.... and if he loves you enough... you can make this work. You gotta want it bad enough.

I don't know if this is the best advice in the world , maybe the others can say how they feel about it, but what I would do is I would call the OM and set up a meeting. Take your boyfriend with you and call that SOB a liar to his face. Put everything that happened right into the open. Now you cannot let the other man know this is how it's gonna go down but tell your BF exactly your intentions.

Maybe it would be better to jsut record this meeting or have your BF close-by.

What do you guys think? Could this work?

so she contacts her ex f-buddy...mistake #1.
call him a liar in front of her bf...mistake #2 (why should he believe 2 liars?)

sorry, but I think this suggestion is way off base.

I am sorry I wasn't clear enough. First she would have to talk to her b/f and ask him if this would help him believe her.

If the OM didnt know her b/f was there I believe he would reveal the truthful way the relationship went. If he had feeling for her then he still does now. If she played it off like she was still interested in him (without damaging relationship with current b/f) I believe he would come out with the truthful details and apologize for lying.

You may be right though. Might be a bad idea alltogether. I am just going on the fact that if this occured in my relationship I think I would trust my g/f a little more. Seeing as she is willing to permanently ruin her relationship with OM just to make sure I know the truth. I would at least know I didnt have to worry about him anymore after he figured out what was going on (if I was b/f I would confront him as soon as I knew the truth).

Just my opinion... take it for what its worth... which, unfortunately isnt worth much here with so many other superior advice givers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I get where you are coming from... but I would wonder.. did she give him a BJ to get him to cooperate... did she agree to start seeing him again if he helped cover up this mess. See you can NEVER be safe with one snake in the sheets.... invite two and you have a HUGE problem.

Good thought process though. Thanks for clearing up the first part of it.

MEDC

I was thinking of suggesting something similar - call the OM, and while your BF is silently listening in on an extension, ask the OM to explain why he told your BF those stories about you. His response should be enough to convince your BF who's really lying. If the OM doesn't know that your BF is listening in on the conversation, he's less likely to lie.

Thanks for all your suggestions. My bf agreed to give me chance to patch things up and earn his trust back. I sorta came up with the same thing with a 3 way conversation... but his reaction was "How do I know if you didn't talk to him ahead of time to set things up with him and do him some 'favor' to help you cover things up?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So... I'm really only looking for ways to hold my mentality together so I won't lose it when he talks about things I didn't do and ask me why I did things that I claimed I didn't do but S said we did. When he gave me hard time about me lying and cheating on him and other things that I actually did, I could be very patient and understanding and would not get defensive at all because I hurt him badly and I want to earn him back. I just hope I could stay this way too when he accuses me of doing things I didn't do. But in reality when he brought up the things that S and I didn't do... I would try to reason with him how he could see that S was lying... of course the reasoning discussion wouldn't go successfully.. and it may just turn into an argument. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Mind you, the things that he brings up the most and that hurt him the most (of course the fact that I lied and cheated on him was the worst of the worst) are those that S said that we did when in fact we didn't do at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />