I'm thinking that it's time for me to make ANOTHER STEP.

I'm afraid and anxious about it but I think that I need to stop thinking of myself as being a FBW...

But I am...

IDENTITY CRISIS..

Who am I..anyways...

We've been in Recovery longer than my H's affair lasted...

My H again this weekend..BRAGGED to a stranger that "WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED ALMOST 31 YEARS" as if he FORGOT...

And I was thinking and almost wanted to say.."But you had an AFFAIR"...

Should I hold onto this or try to FORGET it as it seems as HE HAS?

That seems like DENIAL to me....

But I am certainly in a much different place than most folks HERE...

I do fit more closely with folks that are HAPPILY MARRIED...

SO WHO AM I?

WHAT IS THIS NEXT STEP THAT I AM THINKING OF AND STRUGGLING WITH?

RECOVERY VETERANS..WHO ARE YOU NOW...ONE TOE IN..and 9 TOES OUT OF AFFAIR LAND???

Where do I go from here???

Mimi, in my marriage we did not have a history like you did and his affair was not as devastating, therefore, it was easier to recover from, IMO. So, in many ways our recovery was very different from yours.

While I can't erase his affair/character shortcomings out of my mind, I never think about it anymore. It has no part of my life, no part of my marriage. I have not denied it happened, but I don't think about it anymore. I have released it and moved forward. It no longer has the power to hurt me.

Rather, I can fully focus today on what I have TODAY: and that is a wonderful, warm, loving marriage with my cute and handsome husband. He is not the man he was back then, he is the man he is TODAY. My marriage is not the marriage it was 7 years ago, it is the marriage I have TODAY.

It is not denial, it is called HEALING.

Mimi ~ It's time for spring cleaning!

Ask yourself, "Do I still need this identity? Does it serve me?"

If not, toss it out! Who are you TODAY!?

And I have to point out that your husband SHOULD be proud of those 31 years. Yes he had an affair, but you were married then and you are married now. It was 31 years of the best AND the worst. You should be proud. God Bless your wonderful husband for being so excited about that fact!

Maybe it would help to think about it like this. Your husband knows he had an affair, he's not in denial. But it is in the past and not part of your present. Does it serve you or him or your marriage to keep it as a current topic?

Radical honesty is between the 2 of you, and you both know and acknowledge that it happened. But why the so called "honesty" with everyone else? Do you still need for him to be punished and embarrassed?

If he has to tell about his affair everytime he mentions his marriage - then maybe YOU should have to mention all the good stuff he did too - heck if you are being honest why not put it all out there, not just the bad stuff?

Thanks, Mel...

IT REALLY IS TIME FOR ME TO MOVE EXACTLY TO THIS PLACE...

There is absolutely no logical reason for me to do so but something is holding be back...

BR:

It is a the FEAR OF LETTING GO of the PAST...

You and Mel are helping me to see the need to FOCUS ON TODAY...FAITH IN BELIEF IN THE MARRIAGE WE HAVE TODAY...

Can it REALLY be this WONDERFUL?

I've lived with SADNESS most of my life. I have to ACCEPT THAT IT'S NORMAL TO BE HAPPY...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, I know EXACTLY how you feel. There came a time when I realized I was hanging onto my grief like a long, cold, dead body.

That moment came when I was griping to my friend about my husband AGAIN. She looked at me and said "Mel, you are just looking for grievances." POW! Right between the eyes.

But she was right. I was hanging onto my grief and trying to nurse it because it had become a WAY OF LIFE. I was still in the foxhole looking for stray bullets when the war had really ended years ago. It was SAFE to come out and live in the PRESENT. It was safe to come out and live my life in the new peaceful world.

But it was hard to let go of my bullet proof vest! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Live in the now.

You are happy today.

There is no other shoe...stop anticipating it.

Sadness will arrive again. That's life.

But when it does it will have no relation to prior sadness, trials and difficulties.

Be happy...one day at a time.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - What A Wonderful World is ironically playing on the stereo down the hall from me right now.

I see..it's moving FROM..IT IS ME..TO..IT HAPPENED TO ME..

Like ..when I see MOTHERS WITH YOUNG CHILDREN..that USED TO ME..but THAT'S NO LONGER ME AT ALL...

It WAS PART of MY LIFE EXPERIENCE that is OVER...

I think that I've been FEELING if I HANG ON TO IT, it won't happen again..or at least, I'll be READY for IT...

My H seems to be working OVERBOARD yet sincerely to make it clear to me that he will NEVER do that again...almost to the EXTREME....maybe because he senses my reluctance to let it go...

BUT..I TRUSTED HIM IN THE PAST WHEN THE AFFAIR HAPPENED AND I THOUGHT THAT HE WOULD NEVER HAVE AN AFFAIR...

Can it REALLY be so?

Can I TRUST THIS..without my LIFE VEST?

... no ...

as if he cherishes being married so long and sees HIMSELF and his WIFE as having accomplished something rare these days ~~~> a marriage that has survived and conquered the hills and valleys of life

MIMI ... he is embracing his marriage and bragging about it

Pep

Mimi, I was so deep into defense mode that I was missing MY LIFE. Once I gave up the defense mode, I became an active participant in my new marriage with my whole body, heart and soul and things REALLY GOT FANTASTIC at that point.

That does not mean that I went back to my blind trust days, only that I stopped acting like someone who was being fired upon and starting acting like the war was over. I came out of the foxhole and really joined the living. I abandoned the tired old grief that had become my way of life.

Your grief has served its purpose. It might be time to leave that sorry, sad friend behind that served you so well once.

Post deleted by princessmeggy

Mimi ~ I'd say it's time for a new life vest.

Here's the problem:

you said.
No one knows. You can't know. I can't know. Only God knows.

What we do know is this:

1. Your husband has a the ability to do such a thing.
2. YOU have the ability to cope and survive, and even THRIVE in the face of an affair.

That's what recovery is for a BS in a nutshell.

For me, I understand that I am married to a man who can do this. I am married to a man who actively takes steps even today to prove to me that he is NOT having an affair.

That's why I am still here.

BUT, I know, especially in my case because my husband is an alcoholic, that my husband COULD choose to do that again. He could lie and trick me again.

What gives me confidence and peace is that FOR TODAY everything is ok, and I live in TODAY. I also know that if TOMORROW, the worst should happen, that *I* can care for myself and *I* will be JUST FINE. *I* know what to do and I know God will take care of me if he does the worst.

I trust God, and I trust ME. That's how I sleep at night.

TO BR..in responding to your last post..and TO ALL of my other MB MENTORS...

I came to a recognition of this TODAY also and failed to VOICE this part as you say BR...


that I have the "ability to cope and survive and even THRIVE in the face of an affair"...

THAT IS REALLY A MAJOR, MAJOR LIFE CHANGE FOR ME that I also need to EMBRACE....

I don't at all choose to... but the person that I am NOW could conceive of living a life without my H..the person that I was THEN was DEPENDENT and felt INCAPABLE of doing just that...

I wish that I could help others here to understand that my PERSONAL STRENGTH is what makes me all the more ATTRACTIVE to my H...that I could go through all that TRAUMA..still remain standing..still love him...forgive him..and come out of it a BETTER PERSON...

Yes..as you all have implied..I see ADMIRATION in his eyes when he BRAGS about OUR MARRIAGE...

I WAS WILLING AND ABLE TO FIGHT FOR WHAT I BELIEVED IN AND TO NOT GIVE UP....

It's so AMAZING to me how OPEN he is with me now about his FEELINGS and VULNERABILITIES..reflecting on the MEN THREAD... because he knows and feels that I can MANAGE whatever he HONESTLY expresses....

BUT IN A GENUINE SENSE..not in PRETENSE....



Both of these statements are TRUE for me, TOO, BR. What you are saying is..IT IS WHAT IT IS..it's not EITHER/OR..It's AND..HE CAN DO IT..HE'S NOT....

MY CURRENT WORK IS TO LEARN TO LIVE IN TODAY...TO LIVE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST...

Mimi,

I just want you to know that I learn so much reading your words...

I like you. I think you're neat.

And when everyone chimes in to offer support and encouragement and wisdom... it makes your thread a MUST READ...

I appreciate your struggle... share it on many levels... like many of us do. Not all of us are brave enough, or insightful enough, or listen to ourselves enough... to realize it.

Thank you for reminding me...

... and for your human-ness... and willingness to share.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THOSE KIND WORDS, NEW...

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT POEM, MR. WONDERING...

I REALLY LOVE YOU ALL...REALLY DO...

This is the life changing moment for most of us Mimi, and not just an the infidelity front. This is the moment that happiness is chosen, regardless.

It's a moment for some people, where they finally, totally believe that they are okay or will be okay and THAT THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN HAPPINESS, regardless of their career, marital, financial, looks or any other major disappointment or perceived lack that they might have.

I love to see people happy, unhappy people weigh me down and take all my energy. Not sad people who are dealing with loss, but people who have seemingly chosen unhappiness for themselves. I guess martrydom comes to mind.

Thanks Mimi, for bringing something up that I have been thinking a great deal about lately.

Hi Mimi. I popped in MB today for the first time in many months and saw your post so I thought I'd reply <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I reached your position around a year ago, and it took me several months before I identified the items I needed in my post-affair toolkit, and set about obtaining them.

First, I recognised that infidelity and MB had become something of a grisly "hobby" for me. Yes, I was helping people, but helping required that I drag out the foulest behaviours of Squid from years ago in order to make fearful newbies believe that even wicked WS can repent and help recover a marriage.

How could that NOT cause me to stay anchored in past pain ?

Squid has not been that WS person for a long,long time now, and it is not my job as her husband and head of our family to keep her past behaviour in the forefront of my mind, even if it helps others. She deserves a lot better than that.

It was time for me to fit my OWN oxygen mask before helping others.

So I left MB.

Another component of my "post-A survival kit" I identified as being self-actualization. This is not a popular addition to my kit, but it is a most urgently required one.

Pre-A I had no independent view as to who I was, and what my purpose in life was. I thought my perpetual sacrifice was actually NOBLE, when in truth it just fueled entitlement and avoided necessary conflict. I was friend, hsband, father, son, employee, manager, enemy...all kinds of roles as reflected in the eyes of others, but on a desert island I would have gone CRAZY with no script to act out in response to another's role in my life. No spontaneous awareness of my innate value and personhood.

I have worked hard to change this, against my most dear-held desires. I have a servent heart, yet I must first know how to serve myself and my God before my family and everyone else. I no longer depend on anyone else for anything. I rely on them, and I am happy when they come through, but I do not permit myself to lean so hard on ANYONE that I would crash and smash as I did with Squids affair.

This is a far healthier way to live, but it is uninstinctive to me, so I have to constantly "poja" situations with myself to make sure I am not allowing my roles in others lives to wholly define me.

I liked codependency, but I know I could not go forward post-A fearing future abandonment. Its working well for us both so far, although Squid wants me to need her again, sometimes.

These items in my survival kit allow me to walk forward from the wreckage knowing that whatever happens I will never be THAT destroyed ever again.

My personal boundaries, and MB tools such as POJA are also struts that support our new life.

The last thing that kept me clinging to my hurt was the notion that somehow if I allowed myself to be happy in my marriage again it was sort of minimising the importance of it, sort of telling the world that it wasn't so bad really.
Fact is it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me BUT after about 2 years of recovery I realised that it was my choice to be hurt by memories of the affair.

I do feel like Squid and I are walking away from the wreckage of a smash that almost killed us...do we spend our lives reliving the crash or enjoy the life we almost lost more TRULY and appreciatively ? I chose number2.

We'll always have hurt over this and I get movies sometimes, but I refuse to let the past rob me of the joy of my present and future ANY more.

Squid has begun investigating FOO issues and marriage building texts and that has caused revelations within her heart. She is starting to unbind her own wound and see how she can heal it.

My God, almost three years it has been now...but we are truly LIVING now.

All blessings Mimi. I hope you soon feel you can let go of the pool side and SWIM !

Like BP....I decided to duck in and see what is going on here. I hope you'll entertain my thoughts.

I remember LONG, LONG ago, during a discussion about your H...you continually referred to him as FWH. I asked how long he had to carry that "FW" tag...when could he become just "H" again? That seemed to ring a bell with you and hence you began referring to him as such.

Allow me to add to that todays thoughts which are that you have been a "FBW" for long enough...it's about time that you are now a "W". Yes, there was a dark blot in your past...but it can only have power to define who you are as you allow it.

I'm going to throw in a minor threadjack and just say that I am now happy...truly happy. Things are great, and my future seems so bright that I could sing that stupid country song about needing shades.

Seems to me that you and H could sing the same song, don't you think?

Georgia

(Still Neak. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

I have a split personality on this, and it has been something I have been working through in some ways, too.

AJ is just AJ, my DH, and I pretty much only refer to him as FWH when writing to someone on here who may not know his name. I do not think of him as my FWH.

Yet I only think of myself as a BW, not a FBW. ??? Whatever meaning that may have....

I keep having to stop myself from waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm sure that wouldn't have been nearly as bad without the false recovery, just when I was beginning to believe it was over. After almost 2 years, I am just approaching feeling as sure it was over, as I did the first time after 2 weeks.

Right now AJ is home with our 2 older kids, while I am in Oregon. That is a real test to me, but I think it has helped me along a bit, too. And his brother is there with him, so that also helps me feel safer. Oh, yes, he could do something if he wanted to, but I know he doesn't want to. I worry about them bumping into each other and his feelings being rekindled, but I don't worry about him seeking her out. (Well, not much anyway.) So I guess that's progress.

Since you are so much farther along than I am, Mimi, then most certainly you should leave the past in the past. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And I will start thinking about whether I am an FBW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, I don't know if I've ever posted to you before, but was intrigued by your question.

My "answer" to this question just sort of crept up out of no where, and landed in my lap one day. We had reached a point in recovery where it suddenly became clear to me that our day to day lives were no longer about "THE AFFAIR", or in our case, the affairs. It was about two people whose marriage was very unfulfilling and rocky for a very long time. It was a marriage neither of us even realized how awful it had become, although to an outsider, we looked very happy, successful and quite content.

The affairs were symptomatic of the many problems of the marriage. Once we fought through the recovery process from the affairs, we realized we needed to continue fighting, but this time to correct the many problems in our marriage, all totally unrelated to the affairs.

We are still fighting these demons, but I can truly say the recovery we are in does not include recovery from the affairs. It is a process of reconstructing a really bad marriage dating back well before the affairs.

None of this has changed who I am, as the BS. The attributes of mine which were horribly damaged (self esteem, etc) as a result of the affairs are whole again. The positive changes I made as part of Plan A, to make me more attractive as a husband, are still in place, and still are very important to sustain, as much of what I brought to the marriage before was not at an appropriate level.

Affairs may be responsible for some departures from who you "really are" on a temporary basis, due to affair(s), but once you've dealt with those issues, you should be ready, willing and able to bloom as a human being.

I hope that adds some new perspective to what you've already had posted to your question.

Best wishes,
SD