I dont think that quite cuts it. It's more like,
"a loved one was murdered, by a person who killed them specifically to cause pain to YOU".

If you just "lost a loved one" to, I dunno, a random heart attack or something... it's not quite the same pain.

FL,

In listening to Dr Harley's radio program today I heard him say something and immediately thought of this thread. He said that a BS always remembers but if the work of recovery is done properly, the marriage heals and the couple follows POJA, RH and 15 hours per week undivided attention, though they remember, the memory no longer holds the power it once had to cause pain. My guess is that it can work the same way for the WS. The memory that once caused us pain, no longer does, as other memories, more recent and enjoyable memories take priority.

Just a thought....

Mark

FL2H,

I wanted to stop in and give you this...

(((((FL2H))))))

Thanks for checkin' in on my thread and giving the book rec.

FWIW, my husband says the same thing, I forgive you but I can't forget. That's one of the reasons self forgiveness is so hard. I know it's there with him every day.

But...I have to remember what Pep, JL and the others have said about DH deserving a wife who is present, in the here and now and happy. They need us to heal too.

Mom

hi mark,

thanks for the thought. that is what i need to do, stop letting the memory have power over me.

so this morning, i was all set, to say the stuff JL suggested. remember? i first said i would have to do it via a note cuz i did not see myself able to say it all without crying. well i felt stronger last night and then even more so this morning.

so, i put together a plan.

a) got lucky that i was able to not go to work at 6am like originally thought, so i took advantage of it and stayed home.

b) on the way to drop daughter to school, we stopped at bakery and got mine eclairs, one of DH's favorites. DD had her's in the car. DS had his before he left for school

c) make coffee to go along with eclairs.

and then i waited till DH wake up.

i would not say i memorized any speach but i had it solidly in my head.

then i WIMPED OUT!!!!

i did serve him the coffee with the mini eclairs and gave him a hug and lots of kisses on his cheek and said. From your wife who is really really really glad YOU are my husband.

close but not quite the entire msg.

so i am writing him a note right now instead. came back here to re-read JL's post to make sure i had it all right.

Hi MOM!!!

i was going to get back to your thread after writing this note to my DH.

I agree about how our DHs need us to heal. and since tommorow marks 3yrs since i first started to confess (i split my confession over 2 days, about 7months apart. i'm not sure how much you know about my story).

anyway, after 3yrs, seems like i really need to be getting on with it already.

i've had a lot of insights occuring this week.

almost too much. i need to do some serious journaling tonight. and then i have some serious sharing to do with DH. will probably share here first though.

thanks for the HI. talk to you more in a bit.

hey FL,

I don't know your whole story, just that we have a lot in common, I see your ticker at the bottom, I will check that out.

Will we get to see this very well thought out note?

Do you journal daily? Handwritten or typed? I've been thinking of starting that myself but writing will take a lot longer than typing but I don't think I need to be on the computer any more than I already am, lol!

Is there anything else you do or have done that you recommend?

I'll be thinking of you and hoping everything goes well.

mom

oh duh!

it's a weight loss ticker, LOL

I'm such an idiot...

I thought it was the history of your sitch!!

LOL, yeah I'm a smart one!

journal every day?? you have got to be kidding!!! seems as though somedays i don't even have enough time to myself to go to the bathroom!!!

but kidding aside, journalling is a very good thing to do.

i have never been in the habit of journaling on a regular basis. closest i get is posting here.

i just don't want to lose what i feel i am so close to totally getting so much rattling around in my brain right now. in fact maybe i'll do it as a post here.

you mentioned something about my dad, what were you referring to?

FL,

Do you know how long it took me to find this darn post again! I was beginning to think I had made up some possible stuff with your FOO.


FL,

I see so much of myself in you and so many of the feelings you've had (the self destruction, online A, urge to contact OM) that you've expressed, I haven't had the courage to do. You've been to counseling, have they ever indicated that they felt you might be depressed or something? Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? I was diagnosed with depression ten years ago. I think it had a lot to do with why I had the A's. Even with medication, it's something I always struggle with.

I'm getting so much out of seeing your journey, how far you've come.

Do you have a link to a thread which outlines what took place A-wise. I'm curious as to what aspects of that we have in common (being online etc.).

Seeing hope for you, shows me hope for me (if that makes sense!).

hugs, Mom

SORRY MOM!!!

yes i have been to consoling, various times. yes i've been told i was (am?) depressed.

first time i was under care of a psychiatrist, after having a mini break down and ending up in a mental health program for a month. but i really disliked her, she did worse than not help, she degraded me when i confided in her. she was not meant to be a theorpist, just a medicine provider. anyway i eventually told her i was feeling good and wanted off the meds, she approved it.

this all occured in 2001, shortly after my dad died. i was already caught up in the net, but had not started meeting people in real life yet.

getting off meds at that point in time was not good.

then, after confessing i went back into consoling. she had me go to my general Dr and get on meds. i eventually came off those too. i really don't like long time usage of meds. the Dr was under same thought.

lately i've been wondering if that was a bad choice.

somedays, it's not just that i am sad or in a bad mood, it's more like a grey cloud in my head. hard to explain. and then it will go away.

i wish we could just sit and talk a while but i have to be to work early and need to get to bed....

i'll post more later, try to get you a synopsis of my story.

it's kinda just all over the place. i've not been good about having it summarized anywhere.

nite!