What to do about suspected affair from 9 years ago?

DH and I are in recovery from the affair that was confessed on 1/23/07. It has been lots of ups and downs but we are moving forward. There is no contact and they no longer work together.

But I been thinking about a relationship he had with a female co-worker at another place of business 9 years ago. At that time I had my suspicions, but was pregnant at the time and did not have the means to do the snooping that I do now. I felt I had no reason to doubt him so I let it go. Then we moved and it was over. I have thought about it a few times over the years and wonder whether or not there was more to it than what he told me. So now in light of the affair, I REALLY have my doubts now about this past relationship. He told me that if he knew how much pain revealing this affair would have had he would have denied, denied, denied it. He thought I already knew that is why he confessed.

This possible OW still works at the same place as she did before and I was able to get her e-mail (from an e-mail my DH had sent to her in 2004). In that e-mail he said "thank you for responding. I thought for sure you would ignore it. Believe it or not I have thought of you often over the years". Then he went on to talk about the various jobs that he has had and his desire to return to the state that we are in now. Nothing about family in the e-mail. So I read this e-mail now and see more. So I sent her an e-mail last week asking her if she and DH ever had a physical relationship. If so, I was not upset with her but just needed to know. I told her that DH and I were in the process of divorcing due to his infidelities and I was just trying to determine how many OW there had been and if she was unfortunate enough to be one of them. I have not heard back from her. So of course I think well if there was nothing to the relationship then she would respond with a no, but since she is not responding then that means something must have happened. I have her office phone number and want to call her.

If there had been a relationship between this OW and DH, DH would NOT confess now. I just know it. I asked DH if he would be willing to take a lie detector test and he said yes. But I believe he said yes because he thinks I won't follow thru on it. But I found a place here that will give lie detector tests to suspected cheating spouses. I really am considering calling and scheduling an appointment, I don't care how much it costs.

So would you have your DH take a lie detector test? Would you call the OW and see if she will talk about something from 9 years ago? Or should I just leave this in the past?

I ask myself why I would want to know. I can accept the affair that just occurred. DH has been asking things from me that I was not giving him so I accept my part that made our marriage vulnerable to an affair. But if I know that there was another, I don't know if I could forgive and move forward. I don't know if I would want to stay in this marriage.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

BF,

I think you should assume he had another affair.

Now....if you assume that....how do you proceed?

What changes will you make if you accept that?

It's possible you will never know the truth about this....so find your own truth....and factor in the "mulitple" nature of things when you design a good recovery plan.

Is this true?



Pep

I think that was a "ruse" to encourage the OW to spill the beans....kinda like the untruths cops use to get confessions....dunno though...but I noticed that line too.

Star, my heart and head is telling me that something happened way back then. But I have this strong need to KNOW FOR SURE. I need him or someone to tell me whether or not he is telling the truth. In my line of work, I'm very analytical and all the pieces have to fit together for things to work. This is part of who I am and why I am good at what I do. I tell myself to let this go but that is denying the very crucial part of who/what I am.

Also if was having an affair during that time, it would dramatically rewrite a portion of our history together. DH only worked at this job for a little over a year. Of our 4 children, our third one was the only one we truly planned and she took 5 months to create, the time in which he was at this job. We left there when I was 3 months pregnant. I just don’t know what I would do if I knew that the time we were actively trying to enlarge our family he was carrying on with OW.

But I need to know. I can’t let it go now. So do I move forward with having him take the test?

No, we are not in the process of divorcing. I used that line hoping that would make her feel more like spilling the beans on DH.

I hope that lie does not come back to bite you

BF,


I understand completely! But here's the problem....you may never get this answer. What happens if you never know for sure? Can you move past the "unknowing" and provide for yourself the answer no one will give you?


If you don't know what you would do "if"....then you need to know. You need to process your suspicions....and they sound reasonable....and decide what you WILL do (not what you would or should do). What you do now....is a choice. The best way to make a choice is with good information....but sometimes in our lives (not just in marriage) we don't get good information. When that happens....we have to trust OURSELVES....and move forward.


If you want him to take the test....fine....but please decide NOW what you'll do if the results are negative....because I trust your instincts and I think they will be. Also decide if you will remain with your husband if he refuses the test....because if he's guilty, he probably will.

I'm just saying "be prepared"....think this out first. Don't just REACT.

((((((((((((((((((((((BF)))))))))))))))))))))

Pep, why do you say that? I'm fulling expecting it to come back telling me that DH is not telling me the truth about his relationship from 9 years ago. It's like I need the test to prove it.

Do you think I will learn more?

BF...I think we've been posting simultaneously, so you might have missed my last response. I don't know what pep means for sure, but I have some good guesses. Let's say for instance that renewing that contact, and stating that your husband is divorcing...might encourage her to look him back up??

That was my thought too.

That she might now feel free to give your husband a call to discuss his divorce and lousy marriage. And there we go -- renewed contact.

Or...she calls him. Says sorry to hear about your divorce (???) Blows him out of the water -- then he turns on you. What right do YOU have to demand HONESTY when YOU are DISHONEST?

Polygraph exam...yes.

Do the polygraph, it will only show that he DID`NT have sex with her, but how will you fill knowing that he wanted to have sex with her? You can`t ask on the polygraph if they wanted to have sex only if they did.
I had my FWH take the test and he passed all 5 questions, but I had many more to ask. Just make sure you can deal with him not passing. Mine thought he could pass it.

Star, I understand what you are saying. Decide how I will respond/react whether or not he passes or fails the test.

Right now I would say that if I found out that he failed the test/i.e. he was lying about his relationship with her then the marriage would be over. But before I found about the affair in January I also said that if I ever found out that DH cheated on me then I would leave him. But I am still here. We are in a completely different place than we were before and we both feel our relationship growing stronger and we want it to continue this way.

But if I was to find out that he cheated not once but twice, then add in a couple of flirtatious relationships in between there I don't know if he could ever earn my trust again. I don't want to spend 5, 10 years more with someone that may hurt me in the same way again. I would be the fool to give him that opportunity. I guess that is also part of my reason for wanting to know so desperately. Have I been that gullible? Am I that much of a fool? He is such a wonderful husband and father is so many ways. He has always made feel special, beautiful and loved. In our 19+ years together he has always made me feel like I was his everything. Was that all a lie? I just have to know.

But on a good note, I just had a dear friend stop by. We have been friends for a couple of years but never really got into alot of deep stuff, feeling stuff. We hang out as couples pretty regularly. Her DH and my DH do alot of stuff together. I asked her a question and which led her into opening up about her marriage. She was talking about their struggles and how they were trying to reconnect. Their struggles were different but they were trying to accomplish the same thing as DH and I. As she was telling the story I broke down crying and told her about the affair. I asked her if she had heard the rumors and she said yes but did not pay them any mind. I said they were true. But out of this awful thing, something great was taking place. I had so needed to talk to someone IRL and it felt good to talk with her. I gave her the book HSHN and told her how great it was for us that maybe it would help them. I told her that I never thought I would be able to forgive my DH for what he did but I did we are getting better each day. But we get better each day if I leave the past in the past and keeping moving forward. So why do I want to do this to myself and dredge up what may have happened 9 years ago...

BF: the info needed to outwit lie detector tests is easily found on the Internet, any dummy can find it. Also read this about the veracity of polygraphs:

http://www.chiefengineer.org/article.cfm?seqnum1=1127

You might want to rethink your strategy, the OW email was not the smartest idea but it's at least somewhat defensible. A polygraph test is not even admissable in a court of law and certainly not reliable as definitive proof of an affair.

pretty much

or

she contacts your husband and tells him YOU said they were divircing ... then you must deal with untangling that mess .... your H thinking he's about to experience a surprise divorce ???

I donno, a lie like this one often has ripples felt later on....

Pep

Pep, I understand what you are saying. I didn't feel like I had to worry about them reconciling anything, hence I felt okay in e-mailing her. But you are right, my lie could only make things worse.

Do I chance calling the OW, telling her what is really going on and hope she tells me her story one way or the other. When I met her, she seemed like a nice, young girl, had a good heart but may have been caught up in something. Hence my thinking that she might tell the truth. She does not appear to be a cold, manipulative person (from what I remember).

Aptiva, when your DH took the test did you think he was lying? What questions did they ask him? If he said yes he wanted to have sex with her, I'm okay with that. I think it's normal to be curious about what it would be like to have sex with another person. Shoot I think about it alot since D-Day. But actually doing it is another thing...

This is not marriage building...



Are you trying to gather enough information to decide whether or not you want to stay married?

I just don't get what you are doing here ...

seems like a lot of thrashing about ... but what is your goal?

Pep

Pep,

What every one here is looking for......not fidelity.....not love.......but


TRUTH

Brighter Future pleasre do what you NEED to recover your M. Accepting his lies will surely destroy any phoney reconciliation that your abandoning the test would bring about.

Pep, you are right. I am thrashing about. My goal is to stay married. That is what I want. But I also want to know how much of my 17.5 years of marriage is a lie...