I got a call from the social worker at my youngest son's school today telling me she's worried about him. She sees him as part of a lunch group of kids from divorced families & would like to see him more. He's been very upset lately about some issues with friends, or people he considered friends, the fact he has to travel between home & his father's house which is 45 minutes away, & that his brothers are mean to him. I'll admit, he does know how to provoke his brothers, still, they must show him more compassion.

It breaks my heart to see him suffer, especially when I used to know more about his suffering as he would share it with me. Since the separation & the divorce we used to talk about the stuff bothering him & over the last six months it appeared he was dealing with less stress, aside from the friends issue. Did I not see it, did he hide it, did I choose not to see it?

I know, it's not productive to beat myself up & I won't but GAWD I hate the effects of divorce!

Yes, we all have issues, but if we help our children now, perhaps they can grow into emotionally healthy adults.
Help him as much as you can yourself, and through counseling. Our children will survive and probably come out better for the experience.

I still have a hard time explaining to my daughter about the divorce. She feels he abandoned us, and sadly so do my other 2 children. I just assure them that we are still a family, they have their grandparents, a great church family, and God as their father. Still, my youngest is struggling. But, our children will survive, and hopefully someday be able to help someone in the same situation.
KK

I feel for you...I really do.

I am divorcing too, and I have three kids. I was trying to work 40 a week, but then I wasn't able to get my kids to their counseling appointments. I left my job in order to be able to provide the emotional support my kids need right now. My kids see their father 4 days out of a month and that is it. He calls every couple of days and spends less than 10 minutes on the phone with them. Yes, the kids feel abandoned. They are trying to deal with real issues. Their father has taken a job permanently away from here and only gets back to see them a couple of times a month. Then when he does see them, he whines about having to drive 17 hours to see his kids. I want to move back to my hometown with my children, which is about 2 1/2 hours away. Another move is devasting to my 14 year old and when I tried to speak to her father about her concerns, he just minimized them. I have listened to my daughter and I have talked to her about why I feel that it would be best for me and her and her brothers and sisters to move. We do have family there. The community has a transit system in town. I have a support network to help me raise my kids. Even the cost of living is lower. We have talked about these issues and I have heard her. In validating her feelings, I think it has helped. She doesn't feel like someone isn't listening to her. She is coming around to the thought of moving and for that, I am grateful. Right now, my kids are my stength through all of this divorce crap and I know I have to be strong for them. I have to be their rock...

Thanks for the support.

ex hasn't abandoned the boys, but he is pursuing a new life in which the boys are not center, IMHO. He's happy to see them twice a week & every other weekend & live 45 min. away. How can they not see that as being in second place?

Like you Xetta, I've chosen to be at home for my boys as much as I can for emotional support. I want to live for as long as I can without making too many changes. I've chosen to work jobs which accommodate school hours or that allow me to work weekends & nights when they are with their father. For the most part. However, that may change now that I've seen my tax bill, another story. I need steady part time job that I can work during school hours.

Just yesterday when I was talking with my oldest about being nicer to his brother we got on the subject of divorce. I told him I don't believe divorce should be so easy & he said "You should have tried harder to not get divorced." I told him today, in no uncertain terms, that his father wanted the divorce & I did all I possibly could to stay married & that his father would agree. ex said that to me at one time.

Gawd, the effects of divorce truly keep rolling in, much like waves. At least they are somewhat smaller now.

NAMS, please read "Get Out of My Life, but first, could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" by Anthony Wolf, PhD. a working psychologist to teenagers and families. It answered alot of questions, and i see what the doctor described in my son and now in my daughter, and I told her that what she will be going through is perfectly normal. . .

exactly what the book said will happen, and my oldest, 18, is starting to come out of the growth period. . . just as expected.

The reason whyI suggest you read the book, is not to confuse normal teenage patterns with divorce teenage patterns. . and therefore beat yourself up, but also to understand what normal teenage gorwth patterns look like. . .

good luck,

wiftty

Thanks wiftty,

I love the title of the book, I'll get it from the library. I think I'm fairly good at spotting the normal learning to get along in the world woes as compared to those brought on specifically by divorce. Not that I can't use help.

If YS hadn't made the comment about hating to go between home & his father's (actually gf'd house) & been the one to say to me when he was ten "Do you think dad had gf while you were still married?", I would have attributed his unhappiness to the former.

This boy like to know the reasons for things & doesn't like to get half truths. When he asked me about his father & gf's relationship I said I don't know, he may have, though he told me no, you'll have to ask dad. ex is not approachable, he lacks emotional intelligence & gets uncomfortable if the boys try to ask questions involving human issues. Just can't effectively deal with interpersonal relations.

My point being, I wonder if this question is coming up for him again. No child wants to think his father capable of cheating & I'm pretty sure that's way ex never fessed up to his either EA or PA with gf, he didn't want to be seen as less than in the eyes of his boys.

My Soon-to-be-Ex also lacks the ability to talk to his kids about the emotional stuff. I tried to talk to him a couple of weeks ago about his daughter's (14) anxieties about moving and he just minimalized her feelings. I have talked to her on several occassions and have really listened to what she has said. I have taken the time to reflect her feelings and have reaffirmed that I have heard her. But I have also realistically explained why I think it would be best for our family to move. She is coming around now and accepting the move. At times, she seems eager for it as well.

I think the biggest gift I can give her right now is the gift of listening and really hearing her feelings. Even if things don't turn out her way, she still has had a voice and that is important to her.

I have given up with trying to get WH to listen. It just causes more grief for me when he blows things off. Why waste the energy anymore? I have more important things to do in my life...

I took my girls to the Rainbows classes when they were young. This is a great program and the pastor who ran it actually went through it with his own kids.
Some statements of his stuck in my head. Children will experience the effects of divorce at different times in their lives. So, while we did all we could to help them at the time, as they age, they will have different perspectives and ideas about the divorce and how it affected their lives, and they will need to address these issues at each stage in order to become emotionally healthy adults.
To me, it seems a replay of our lives. If we had addressed issues early on, we would've become more emotionally healthy as adults and made better spouse choices (rather than replay our FOO dynamics).
I plan to do all I can to help my children become emotionally healthy, happy individuals and I pray they make better life choices than me.

Thanks for the insight Newly...

I have fought with my Soon-to-be Ex about the effects of divorce on our children, but it's like talking to a brick wall. He doesn't want to see it... He doesn't want to acknowledge it... He's much happier with his head buried in the sand. I have given up trying to communicate with him. It is useless and just gives me more grief than I care to deal with right now. My focus is doing what I can for my kids and the ****** with him...

I know it sounds like a very cold stand to take, but a person can only take so much repeated hurt. And I don't want to take responsibility for his relationship with his children. That's his respsonsibility, not mine. I will let my children decide for themselves how they feel about their father, and if his relationship with his kids falls apart, then so be it. I will be their rock.

You can't make someone want to communicate. My DD's counselor has determined my X is Passive/Agressive, even though she's never met him. She talked to him once, and hears what DD says. He's even lied to me (and school counselor) saying he's spoken with the counselor, and I've confirmed with her he hasn't.

She believes that any relationship with a father is good. Even if it teaches the children how they don't want to be treated. I know it sounds awful, but they will learn from it. As they age, the children will determine for themselves what type of relationship they will have, and we will know we've given the dad's the opportunity to have a good relationship. If they don't, it isn't our fault.

My X couldn't be bothered to take his daughter's to the girl scout father/daughter dance. So they go with a friend's dad. Why should they sit back just because their dad won't take them?

I think some parent's can't see past their own needs and really look at what their children want.

I think the same!
I always say - I as the mother grow up together with my son (well, at least one/two steps ahead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) The same about resolving (any) issue - address them at each stage, learn now from 'smaller' ones to be able to success with bigger (inevitably coming) ones...

How do you afford to just work part-time or quit your job so you can be there for your kids? My kids' father is only marginally involved in their lives - he sees the younger ones for dinner once a week, and, except for one of them, they have been allowed to visit him between zero and one time in the last year and a half.

My youngest, who doesn't even remember him living at home, has told me that it is wrong for divorced people to ever date, because divorce is wrong. I was surprised that she had even thought about the issue. One of my older kids expressed anger at me for signing the separation agreement, even though I wasn't the one who filed and I made the lawyer take out the part about both parties agreeing that there were irreconciliable differences. She had thought that unless both parties agreed, divorce could not happen. I wish..

I work full time, I am a girl scout leader and am involved at church. I make time to take my girls to counseling and events because I think it is important. My kids father has kept up his parenting time (much to the surprise of everyone), but won't take the kids when I travel on business, so they are left with "strangers".
My children also don't want me to date. It's OK that dad has a GF, but I think kids need their mom (or major parent) to be their rock, and they need to know that they are the priority - at least in one house.
I also have alot of books on divorce, and when things come up, I will refer to the books, and the kids know it.
There is alot we can do to help our kids, and live our lives, even working full time.

If you don't have enough time for yourself, hook up with other divorced parents, who can share childcare time. Trade off, find activities that allow you a break. I know it depends on age, but our children are getting older and I believe it falls on us to help them get through the worst of things.

I don't feel the need to have much time for myself. I work full-time, plus two part-time jobs. I spend almost every free moment with my kids, but that still doesn't feel like enough time. And then the few hours my youngest and I get to share between the time I get home and her bedtime are too often taken up with tedious and time-consuming worksheets and other make-work homework assignments. I miss homeschooling so much..