My wife moved out about 6 weeks ago now. I discovered at the end of Jan. an A she had with a loser jacka** she met online. It lasted about two yrs. from 2004-06. It was easy to glean that it ended from the thousands of emails I found when I cracked her account. It contained love letters, poems, pictures of them together, plane & hotel reservations, etc. The first 4 weeks since D-Day were the toughest in my entire life. I've only begun to heal from the pain, and with God's strength, am on my way to healing from this betrayal.

I'll start by first telling how I believe all this began. My wife and I have been together for almost 17 yrs., married for the last 12. We were high school sweethearts. While were dating, I had a PA with a friend of her family. Back then, I was a creepy sex addict, for lack of a better term, full of lust, and out to screw anything that would oblige my depravity. In addition to the PA, I had sex with a prostitute. I had a weak conscience that did tell me what I was doing was wrong, as I truly was in love with my girlfriend at the time, but I did not listen to it and gave in to my carnality. I was a Christian, but very young, saved for about a couple of yrs. at that point. I had little knowledge of sound Biblical doctrine. I felt so guilty and ashamed of my weakness of the flesh, that I believed I had gone beyond the point of no return, and that God did not want me anymore and would not forgive me. So I backslide from my walk with the Lord. I tried to change on my own, without God's help, and thought I would never cheat on her again. We got engaged, got married, and things were great for about the first 2 yrs. Then I contacted the same OW whom I had the PA with looking for another "one" night stand, but this time she was not interested. I became obsessed with sex outside of my marriage, and I hit on various women for about the next 2 yrs. My wake up call came when I made a pass at my wife's best friend, and she of course rejected my advances. Now I had to face the reality of my shameful, sleazy behavior as this was my wife's best friend that was very much a part of our lives, so I had an almost daily reminder of what I did to my wife, unlike the previous acts I did in secret with distant friends and women my wife did not know. Before she could tell my wife, I finally came to grips with what a monster I was, and repented. I went through a very painful period of remorse, and knew that I had to tell my wife what I had done, including everything I did before we were married. I confessed it all to her in the spring of 1998, and by then we had our first son who was 2 1/2 yrs. old.

God bless my wife for the courage and strength she had during that awful period to endure the pain I caused her. Because of the women I had cheated/attempted to cheat on her with, my sin became known to her whole family, putting my wife through even more shame. For the time being, she chose to stay with me. I wrote an apology letter to her parents, for I felt I had betrayed them as well as we are very close, and they did eventually forgive me. Looking back now, I feel that my wife only stayed with me for the sake of our child, and probably to not disappoint her parents by not forgiving me and divorcing me. I do believe we had a short period of true recovery and marital happiness, as we had our 2nd child in 2002, and I remember things being great and feeling that my wife had truly forgiven me.

Over the last 3 yrs. or so our marriage has not been that great. My wife had a hard time turning 30, and I blew her off and was not there for her. I guess it was an early MLC she went/is going through. She began withdrawing from the marriage, and complaining to me how I did not appreciate her and never listened to her. She repeatedly complained how I did not spend enough time with her and never showed interest in her, that I chose video games, computer tinkering, and my home theater over her. This of course fell on deaf ears, as I had no understanding of her ENs and felt that she was making false accusations. So she withdrew, I got frustrated and also withdrew, and thus we began growing apart.

Early in 2004 I discovered some inappropriate relationships she made online with other men. She spent a lot of time playing online games, and I thought that was all she was up to. But when I noticed her quickly closing IM chat windows when I would try to peek at her screen, I knew something was up. I cracked into her email and found some dirty pictures from some men she met online. She was not involved with any of them yet, as I had caught her in the early stages of going astray. When I confronted her about it, I did not handle it well at all, blew up at her, LBed and DJed her, and further pushed her away. She confessed that she was merely curious, and liked the attention she was getting from these other men, and again complained she wasn't getting that from me. She half-heartedly promised she wouldn't cross that line again in her online activities, and I believed her and trusted her again. I was so ignorant though, that I was still not meeting her ENs, and we grew further and further apart. The articles here on online affairs have been so eye opening, how I wished I would have learned about this site back in 2004!

Fast forward to today. She started going out more and more often w/o me to bars and clubs with her new friends, some of which are not married. I've always been trusting of her, so I never had a problem with her going out. I felt she deserved some time to herself with just the "girls", and I didn't want to be a jealous stuffed shirt and forbid her from going out. Well, I should have known better. I had suspicions that she was not being forthright, and I cracked into her email again to discover that she went all the way in her dubious online activities. We had a big fight when I confronted her, which was one of the nights she came home from being out. In her drunken state, she finally revealed to me that she still to this day doesn't believe I confessed everything about my past infidelity, and that she had the affair b/c I did it to her.

So here I am, another broken heart searching for guidance here on MB. Currently, I'm not too sure that my wife isn't involved in another affair. As this post is now long enough, I'll share my suspicions in another one.

In the incriminating emails I found about my WW's affair, I found plane ticket confirmations for a male passenger in her work email. At her job, she has to work with building contractors, most of which work from out of town. So initially, I thought it may be work related. But, given that she is a liar and cannot be trusted, it bothered me.

I did some investigative work, and confirmed that she gave this man a ride to the airport, early on a Friday morning for him to catch a 6:30am flight. WW is NOT a morning person, so if this was work related, it sure was a HUGE favor.

In keeping w/ Plan A, I talked to her normally as we have been during this time. I asked lots of questions, giving her every opportunity to tell me she where she was that morning. Of course, she didn't. Eventually my questioning led her to tell me of this guy on the flight, a specific contractor she deals with a lot whom she's never mentioned before. Told me his name, that he's married w/ kids, he's one of the *** contractors from *****, a group of guys from work she's mentioned before. Still nothing.

Eventually I couldn't hold my emotions in from her lying to my face, and I confronted her about what I knew as calmly as possible. I'm still an emotional wreck at this time from D-Day, so I probably didn't handle it well, probably should have waited to confront when more emotionally stable. She reluctantly revealed that they're just friends, that they've talked a lot, and that the plane tix and ride to airport were favors. She explained that he paid her back in cash for the tix. Also pointed out things about him that she didn't like, qualities I know are turn offs for her in men. Denied there's anything going on b/w them.

I let it go at that for the time being, wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt. Then continued reading this site, and learned how this was typical lies of WW in middle of A, so I confronted her again, but was still too emotionally weak to handle her reaction. She eventually, but reluctantly, and only after my pleading that she could prove my doubts wrong, gave me access to her email accounts and cell phone records, and showed me some picture and video messages this guy has sent her. Some of the pics were humorous dirty cartoons, definitely inappropriate to share b/w WW and guy, which she agreed is. She explained that she kept all this from me b/c she was afraid that I would react the way I did. She again assured me that he's just very friendly w/ everyone at her work, and that there is nothing going on b/w them.

Well, currently, she still has not changed any of her passwords, I have open access to her email and phone records. But I still have a feeling in my gut that she has not revealed everything. It's hard to tell from the phone records if the calls are all work related or what. At the minimum, I feel that she may be in an EA with this guy, but I just don't have proof. I'm keeping a sharp eye out though and am trying to get proof on my own one way or another, as I cannot take her at her word. She barely ever wants to talk about us, keeps conversations light about day to day stuff and the kids. She's gotten very defensive when I try to approach the subject about this guy from work, so I wimp out and back off.

What makes this even more confusing is that when we do eventually talk about us, she says she's having a hard time forgiving herself. She just recently told her mother we separated, and when her mom asked if this was permanent, she told her that we both think it'll be temporary. The plans for moving into her own apt. fell through, and she's still staying w/ a friend, which she also revealed is taking its toll on her. She thought by getting an apt., she would see the kids more often, having another place for them to stay w/ her. But since that isn't working out, she is missing them. She's gone on about how much of a failure she is in life w/ everything, bad mother, bad wife, etc. She's also told me that maybe I'll find someone else that can make me happy. I'm wondering if her wanting to separate is not out of wanting to pursue an A, but out of severe guilt and self-loathing for what she's done???

I welcome all responses for some guidance on what to do from here on out.

I can't help but to feel impotent in dealing w/ my WW, since I was the 1st one to cheat. I can't help thinking sometimes that if I hadn't cheated on her to begin with, none of this would be happening. I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past, but it's hard not to.

I feel that maybe I deserve this, though 9 yrs. delayed, I must accept what may be the ultimate consequences of my past infidelity. And that's why I say this a "possible" revenge A, I'm not that sure if it was out of spite, given it occurred about 6 yrs. after I confessed.

Part of me also feels hypocritical for even feeling betrayed and sometimes angry w/ my WW.

These feelings sometimes paralyze me from facing this and figuring out what to do.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well this is very similar to my situation with the revenge affair.

I wish you luck. Mine has not been going so well either.

Separated and WW just filed for divorce.

But I keep praying.

WW and I had a loooong talk yesterday. Confirmed my feelings that this is all a result of my initial infidelity. She has no interest in reconciling, feels our whole marriage was a sham as she did not know the kind of man she married back then, resents me for not giving her a true choice in marrying me, that I allowed her to marry an idealized version of me, etc.

I'm almost ready to give up hope, as it's so painful to dream that we can make it through this, and see her easily walk away from our marriage. WW says she's been wanting out from the marriage for so long, that my discovery of her A finally gave her the way out. It's also very painful to see the full extent of how much my initial infidelity changed her. She is so disillusioned with us, doesn't care that she hurt me, neither that she lost my trust.

She finally got an apt., and started moving out today. I think the only reason she hasn't filed for D yet is due to the expense.

My "blog" continues...

Getting ready to go to church w/ my boys. Prepared to be "refilled" with strength and encouragement from the Lord, which I give all the credit to for getting this far.

Glimmer of hope for today is WW wants to meet us for lunch after church, then go take the boys to see TMNT movie. Will continue Plan A! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lately I've been having more good days than bad, and am getting stronger to continue Plan A. I finally spoke to my best friend that lives out of town, and shared everything with him, and he has been a great source of support for me, in addition to these forums.

About the only thing I struggle with is not knowing definitively if my WW is in another affair with this contractor I discussed in my 2nd post. She recently changed the password to her cell phone account online, which I'm not surprised she did. I'm not even going to bring it up, as it would do no good. I've accepted that right now my W does not exist, only this WW who will never tell me the whole truth. I'm no longer going to talk about the M or R, and confronting her again about my suspicions would go against that.

I am taking precautionary steps to protect myself and my kids should we end up D, as I don't ever want to be blindsided again like on D-Day. I am still praying though that we make it through this, and that I get my W back who I love dearly, and my kids get their mommy back who will be 100% committed to raising them.

WW shared with me this past Sunday that she really missed me, with tears welling up in her eyes! I was quite surprised to hear her share that with me, and am taking it with a heavey grain of salt. Per the collective wisdom I've learned from here, I no longer know my W anymore, she is now a WW, and our marriage ended 3 years ago when she got involved in her A. So, I'm not yet trusting that she's sharing her true feelings with me yet, but nonetheless, it felt sooo good to hear! I may have gotten a glimpse of my wife!

I did respond and told her that I miss her too, that I miss her every day. We hugged each other tightly, and kissed a little on the lips. I couldn't stay "lovingly detached" and stoic for too long, and got a little emotional too. I told her that we need to take things really, really slow, and basically limited R talk to just that. Then just yesterday, she brought up that maybe we should plan on going out together alone w/o the kids, or try out salsa dancing like I mentioned to her previously I was thinking of doing (w/o her). That was very surprising to hear too, but I stayed cool and didn't jump up and asked her out right then & there. She then said she's not making any guarantees or anything, and doesn't want me to assume it automatically means she's ready to come back. I again said that we should take things slowly, and agreed that I would not attach any strings or pressure her in any way should we go out on a "date".

Thank you MB! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just wondering, I see a lot of viewings of my story here, but hardly any responses, especially advice from the vets here.

Am I that spot on in my handling of my sitch? I did hear from a co-worker I've talked to who has been through a D that he's amazed at how well I'm handling myself just 2 months out. I'm a very humble person, so I don't really view myself as handling things that great so far.

So am I that good of a student of the MB principles?

Thanks!

Darn, I was hoping I could edit my original post, but I guess it's too old to edit.

My W shared w/ me that she's been reading my posts here, and told me that I should reveal exactly what I did to her. I did not for her sake, thinking it would upset her when she would eventually read my posts. I've been open w/ her on my posting here, so I intentionally left out one part of my betrayal assuming it would further shame and embarass her, as she has shared w/ me that it has done so in real life.

Well, I am sort of glad she's shared w/ me that it is alright with her that I reveal just how low I am.

The "best friend" I hit on is actually her youngest sister. She was only 17 at the time. So, of course, she is extremely close to my W's family as she is a member. So, I committed the unconscionable.

Wow.......actually, this sounds like you do have a good wife at heart (not talking about her affair)......alot of women would have divorced over what you did.

Did you actually have SF with her sister?

Hey SP,

Welcome to MB!

I think you mentioned the best 'advice' yourself... You and Mrs. SP should take things very slowly.

Yes, you had the first A, and she had a revenge-A... two wrongs don't make things better as you guys are finding out.

Spend some time together and try to re-connect. It's hard with young kids as they will take up most of your time...

If you haven't found a good pro-marriage MC, then I'd start looking for one right away and see if Mrs. SP would consider going with you.

You guys have kids together and it appears that niether of you are ready to go straight to a divorce. It is possible for you guys to rebuild your M.

It will take a lot of hard work and it will be a painful process, but it CAN be done.

Keep reading and posting here and let us know if you have any specific questions that we can help you with.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey SP, your situation sounds somewhat like mine. I was a WH 13 years ago and my wife has had numerous affairs for about the past year and a half.
I am getting a lot of good information reading your thread.
LA has some wonderful insights.
Take care and hang in there.
Rock