Wife of eighteen years and I have been struggling with the aftermath of her brief PA. After years of neglect from me she met OM on a vacation with me. Chance encounter with a man that identified her as vulnerable, we had just had a verbal disagreement and she was with other friends at the time. Upon our return home she contacted him by e-mail and began an online EA. He masterfully manipulated her into thinking that I didn't care for her any more and that she deserved to be treated better. They came up with a plan to meet while I was away on business. He flew to our city at they met for the weekend. One week prior to my leaving WW informed me that her feelings for me had changed and that she thought we should seperate. I begged her to reconsider and even went to counseling at her suggestion. Her PA happened the next week and was followed by two months of fence sitting by her during which time she denied existence of OM and even tried to reconcile with me. We stayed together throughout and are still together. DDay occured when I cracked her e-mail and discovered all the details. Wife's respoonse was to beg forgiveness, no further contact with other man and she couldn't be better to me ever since.

So what is the problem? I am obsessed with the details of this affair, racked with guilt that it happened because of my neglect of the marriage. Also she is so ashamed of herself for her lack of judgement and the fact that she let it happen. I love her and I know she loves me. In many ways our marriage is much better than it ever was and I want that to continue. It has been ten months since DDay. She wants to bury this brief affair and I can't stop thinking about it. How do we get over it?

ami,

Welcome to MB. Describe what your recovery plan looks like? Any counseling? What extraordinary precautions are in place to prevent further contact? What changes have you two made to protect eachother? How much time per week do you spend? Fill in more details about how long you've been married? kids? How did the affair end?

We have been spending large amounts of time together talking and reading, seperately, at MB. Went to cousnseling seperately before exposure of affair. She denied affair to counselor, counselor concluded that we had no reason to break up - we both told her we loved each other. OM lives in distant city, W has been transparent in all aspects. I know that she hasn't contacted him, he has contacted her twice, one text message and one e-mail. W informed me of both. We have been getting along famously except for me backsliding and asking about details of affair. She is not defensive about it but it hurts her deeply knowing how much she hurt me. I want both of us to feel better.

Affair ended when I confronted her with the evidence, she seemed almost relieved that I had discovered it. I believe that the guilt and shame were too much for her. She is a good woman and just as surprised as I was that this guy could do this to her. She now beleives, as I do, that OM is a serial predator who new exactly what to say to make a woman think about cheating on her husband.

Married 18 years together for 20, DD21, DS15

Why I say he was a predator. OM is divorce attorney, approached wife at bar, made small talk, casually asked why her H wasn't there. She let him know that we had an argument, further talk and he left her with a smile and a business card if she ever wanted to talk. Online contact initiated by W and he played it very cool every step of the way to make her think A was her idea. New exactly what she wanted to hear and lured her in.

AMI:

Have you read Joseph's letter?

It is on the "Notable Posts" thread by Pepperband, and if not, it's in the Just found out section.

Read it, copy it into word and then edit it, sparingly, and print it out.

And then start deciding what you really want to know. And decide what you are going to do with the information provided.

That's a place to start.

Glad you posted, sorry you have to be here, but we can help around here.

I will read the letter, I guess what I really want to know is how to get over this obsession with this event. I believe my wife, I trust her and I know there is nothing going on anymore. I also know she loves me. But I still deal with the "How could you do this when you knew how bad I felt after you told me you wanted to seperate?" I know it was a PA over three days and it's over. My wife is back life is great. Do I need to know anything more, would that make me feel better or am I just being a selfish oaf drowning in self pity?

Dude,

WE ARE CRAZY!!

My Dday was almost 3 years ago.

FWW was feeling neglected and drifted toward these chat rooms (THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND). She started chat with the OM and about a year later they met.

The PA lasted 2 YEARS with the OM flying into town maybe once a month. She would meet him for a day of sexual hy-jinks at a Best Western near the airport.

I cracked her email and discovered the truth. She was totally remorseful, no more contact, etc, etc.

We are still together.

"" how to get over this obsession with this event.""

TIME WILL LESSEN THE OBSESSING!!

Honestly, you don't really, truly, down deep in your heart of hearts, get over it. You live with it...and somehow work very hard to build upon it.

IMHO

kirk

amicrazy,

I find this interesting:
Especially when considered next to this:

There are several “classic” affair scenarios. One of them is when the wife does all she can for years to get her husband to engage fully in the marriage, until she has finally had enough and begins a relationship with another man. When the husband learns of the affair, he may then see the error of his neglectful ways (although some husbands don’t – they try to use the affair as an excuse to continue neglecting their wives) and try to make up for all his failures of the past years. Very often, the wife’s response to this is an angry Too little, too late. Rather than being pleased that he’s finally coming around, the wife is incensed to learn that he was capable of being the loving husband she wanted all along, but he simply chose not to.

So amicrazy, let me just get this out there: I don’t think you know how lucky you are, dude. Your wife is giving you a second chance to be the husband you were supposed to be the first time around. Was she wrong to have an affair? He!! yes. I don’t mean to say that “you deserved it.” But she is working with you to try to rebuild your marriage – that’s more than many men in similar situations get.

In that light, I’ve got to say that I find your “How Could You?” question sort of disproportionately self-centered. Knowing how much your wife wanted your attention and affection didn’t stop you from neglecting her, did it?

But actually, I’m not sure that’s really what’s bothering you.

You also allude to wanting to know the details of the affair, and whether that’s a good idea or not. From what I’ve observed here, it completely varies from couple to couple. But in your case, here’s what I think:

You don’t know what you really want.

I don’t mean that disrespectfully at all. I say it based on a close reading of your posts. Buddy, you are all over the map! The title of your thread refers to resentment, but the actual post that starts the thread refers instead to obsessive curiosity and guilt. No resentment in that post at all. Your second post cites wanting to feel better. Third post is just backup information for previous posts. Fourth post swings between obsessive curiosity and How Could You.

Based on how you’re all over the place, my guess is that you really don’t need more detail. Nor do you feel tremendous resentment (or guilt). Rather, I think you are still in tremendous pain and are desperately seeking relief – maybe in details, maybe in recrimination, maybe in self-blame, whatever.

If that rings true to you, then I’d suggest that you hold off on seeking additional detail about the affair, at least for now. Focus instead on comforting each other through the pain. In the short term, that might involve any combination of the following:
-Taking care of each other and being extra gentle: express your love, appreciation, admiration as much as you can
-Taking care of your physical selves: eat right, get rest, drink a lot of water, don’t overdo the alcohol, get regular exercise
-Find fun things to do and make each other laugh as often as possible
-Surround yourselves with positive people who support your marriage
-Speak to your doctor about getting a short term prescription for an anti-depressent or anti-anxiety medication (these can help get past the obsessive thinking)

Recovery from infidelity takes time. No short cuts. It’s going to hurt for a while. And in response to the pain, you’ll be tempted cast about desperately for relief. My advice is to wait it out a bit longer. Then, if after a few months, you still feel you need details, work with a counselor who can help you process any new information in a way that contributes to your recovery and doesn’t set you back.

ami,

Give us a few details:

When was d-day?
When was the affair?
How long have you been in counseling - is it independent counseling or marriage counseling?

Also, I don't encourage anti-depressants right away. Sadness and upset are NORMAL responses to an upsetting situation. If it goes on for a long time, then perhaps look for medications - but right off the bat, that's not the place to go.

Read this site about emotional needs, and both of you should take the emotional needs questionnaire. That way, you have a better idea of what you are both needing, and how to better support one another.

Regarding whether or not you need details on the affair - well, this is the best advice I have seen on this site:

Write down your questions. Then, write down WHY you want to know the answers. Put your list aside for several days, and come back to them. Cross out the questions that are not really necessary (they will be obvious to you). Then, take a look at the questions again, and your reasons for needing the answers. If they still ring true as necessary questions, with valid reasons for needing the answers, then you should ask them.

Sometimes, we BS's think we NEED to know something because it is nagging at us - when in reality it isn't that one detail that is bothering us, but a larger question that the detail really represents.

For example, I wondered about where my FWH took his OW. What I was really worried about was whether or not they were seen around town, had gone out with other people, had spent time out and about together - I was worried about the AMOUNT of time together, and the type of activities, what they did for fun together, etc., more so than the exact date they went to such and such a place.

So really think about WHY you want to know, and ask questions that answer your bigger questions. Ultimately, if a little detail becomes important, you will know it because it will become apparent and you will ask it down the road as need be. But at first, try the list of questions in order to get the broad picture and reduce your imaginations and worries.

Hope this helps.

details bad - plan a good. she loves you.

I think curiour53 nailed it right on the head. I know I want a better marriage then we had before and we have been doing many of the things that he suggests. Our marriage was in big trouble we were both in a lot of pain, she told me thatshe had had it and went off to the affair. Now, ten months after I confronted her, we are together trying to be the spouses we were supposed to be and it is Great! So is it ok for me to just try and put it in the past and get over it? She has told me that she was not in here right mind, wishes it had never happened and can live with it if I can, so I should be happy - right?

amicrazy,

Great!

I'm not sure what you're asking here. Reading your words, it sounds like you are asking permission to try to put this into the past. But I don't think that's really what you want. Please clarify.

I suspect your real question is Our marriage is in such a better place now than it ever was before. I feel like I should be happy but I'm not. Why am I not happy? Is there something wrong with me that I'm not? [If that's not what you were really asking, just let me know. But assuming it is, read on . . .] Well, . . . I think this is where that pesky TIME thing comes into play. You may not realize it, but you are getting better every single day. If things are going as well as you say they are, wouldn't it be safe to say that you do have periods of happiness nearly every single day? Once a couple is working together on recovery, those periods of happiness gradually begin to come more frequently and stay longer. I think what you want is for all of your pain to go away NOW. And that's just not going to happen. It's a process. You have to go through it to get through it.

Curious53 you are right, I am happy a lot of the time and our marriage is on much better ground and I do want the pain of this to go away - for both of us. I guess the unhappiness comes from the realization that it all could have been avoided if we had been paying attention before. So I guess we are on the right track, things are much better I am going to try and become focused on the positive intead of pre-occupied with this painful event from the past. I know that I am lucky and this whole thing could have been so much worse and so much more painful. She was not in love with OM, we are still married, she wants it to work, I want it to work. Thanks for helping me understand my feelings and I will trust that time will heal.

ami,

The research shows it takes about two years to "get over it". But it takes more than that....

You have to work together to meet each other's emotional needs. I think you are probably doing that, because you talk about "paying attention" now, and that is really what it comes down to - paying attention to each other, what the other person is needing in terms of love and support, recreation, interaction, etc. I hope you've read this website, it has some really good material on ENs that can help keep you focused in the long term.

You'll probably have ups and downs. That's normal. I'm 15 months out from d-day, and I have bad days still. My FWH does his best to help me through them. But he can't do that unless I tell him - so be sure you are telling your wife when you need her attention too. It does get better with time.

You also might want to have your wife do some reading on this site as well - the questions and answers from Dr. Harley were helpful too.

Glad to hear things are progressing.