I realize that the Harleys suggest a minimum of 15 hours/week together to work on the M. My H has asked for "space" and "separation" but somehow keeps making his way back home. (I am FWW. He is BH, I think he is currently WH.) So ...

What do you all suggest from personal experience? multiple choice
	Separation to figure it out
	Spend time together - no matter what - to figure it out
Votes accepted starting: 03/19/07 03:32 PM
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Can't answer that question with only 2 choices. I can say that time apart while trust is broken is one of the tools for making an A.

L.

Exactly.

Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to stay.

Though I so wish you could by law!

My wife took all the space she wanted and has had the most torrid affair. Ongoing.

time together... he can have his space when you are at work!

15 hours per week is for a healthy marriage. Repairing a broken one could take a lot more than that. The key is for the time to be enjoyable. For the clock to be running on the 15 hour thing, it can't be spent rehashing the A or trying to force recovery to a conclusion.

You have to discuss the A and what happened, but not every time you are together. Who wants to come home to that?

And your assessment may be right on target, TFC; BH may now be a WH. Revenge As are so common it is downright scary.

Mark

i have NO DESIRE to have a revenge A... NONE

JLG,

Me neither, but we are here at MB and her H is not. (As far as I know.)

T_F_C,

Dr Harley actually does not suggest 15 hour per week to work on the marriage. I missed that completely when I first replied to you. What he does recommend is that you spend 15 hours per week together, giving each other undivided attention for the purpose of meeting each others emotional needs. This is not the same as "working on the marriage."

But the time has to be enjoyed by both or it is wasted.

Mark

Let me ask a follow up question then:

If when you spend time together, your BS finds that they are easily angered (not by LBs, but by just about anything) is it then best to spend time apart? If so, how long is a recommended separation period?

TFC,

IMO, he is probably reacting to stress. He has his "normal" stress, the stress of now knowing what has turned his world inside out and the additional stress of all of this being totally out of his control. He is questioning everything he does and has ever done, trying to find the "cause" of what happened. Since he isn't having any luck with that, he gets even more angry.

Probably the best thing you can do is just comfort him. Don't talk about the R or M or what happened all the time. Don't say, "OK. Now we'll spend time together as part of trying to recover from my past mistakes, but I know better now and I'd like to share with you what I have learned today on Marriage Builders...."

Gee, that would make me want to run like my pants were ablaze.

I might be wrong, but would you say you tend to bring up various "issues" when you are together? I see that a lot around here.

If I'm completely off base, just ignore me and I'll go back to work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Mark

Haha - no I've been the one to ask that we not discuss the M, R, or A because we spend so little time together. He is the one that keeps bringing up separation and what we're going to do. I have tried to be here for him and be understanding of what he has to say, but then he gets upset that I am being understanding! I think he should see an IC to help him through this ...

He also hasn't dealt with it - he's been so busy going out and drinking that he has only suppressed it all. He has agreed to take the next 2 weeks (while out of town) to think this through, but I don't know if he really will.

T_F_C,

You might be right, he probably should see a professional for help at this point. But you can't make him seek help.

OTOH, when he brings it up, are you willing to answer his questions and be completely honest with him about what YOU are feeling? It's a catch 22; he needs to work through it, but at the same time needs to know that staying in the M is what YOU have decided to do.

Just grasping at straws here....

Maybe I have no idea what is going on at all (likely.)

Have you asked him specifically why he is thinking/talking/acting like this?

Mark

I have answered everything honestly and told him that I don't want to separate - that I think spending time apart will tear us apart. I feel like if we go through this together, we'll come out stronger. He wants space, so I give him space. He wants to talk, I talk. He wants to say mean things, I let him and tell him I know he must be hurting. He wants to stay out all night, I tell him I missed him and worried about him. I have tried my best ...

Hopefully his mom can get through to him. He is throwing away our M and not dealing with what's going on. I wish I could come up with a list of things for him to think about on this trip (other than the division of assets). But anything I say will fall on deaf ears.

So the ultimate question is ... Does absence make the heart grow fonder? I suppose is depends on the person and situation. Let's hope in my case it does ...