I need some people to weigh in here.

I have been in Plan B for 3 months now and for the past 4-6 weeks have strongly been wanting to move on.

In my head I know that I should be wanting my H to return still, but at the same time...I am ready to move on.

I really want what is best, but I feel very detached from my WH and don't really want him around now after all the hurt, lies and pain he has caused.

Are these normal Plan B feelings and how do you keep yourself in the place of wanting to recover your marriage when you know that life is fine without them? That there are still wonderful things in store for me in my life.

I don't feel emotionally drained all the time now and feel like I am finally living again. It just feels very weird to think of waiting, but weird to think of moving on as well.

I am just wanting some opinions and encouragement I guess.

IHC, the beauty of Plan B is that it removes you from the emotional trauma of the affair and permits you better decision making abilities. Only you can decide if you are ready to end your marriage. Some folks decide they do not wish to recover their marriage and that is fine too.

IHC, Melody is right, the ball is now in your court. You have the quiet to help you to see more clearly. I was just beginning to feel as you do now when my WH contacted me. I'm now starting over, and am confused about what I should do. Right now, I'm focusing on my son and myself. I have decided to hold off on filing for a D on a month to month basis. I feel the decision is getting close.

Think about past frienships that have come and gone from your life; old jobs that you've had, where you had friends, but when you moved on, you lost contact. It's not nearly as rough as what you are doing now, but realize that with time, wounds heal, and our wants/needs change. Anger sets in, too. I hear a bit of desperation for you to hold on. Maybe desperation is the wrong word, but I can tell that you are nearing a decision. Again, as sdguy has said to me, there's no rush. Take whatever time you need to be as sure as you can...

There are still wonderful things ahead of you.

I think about recovery and the hardship of that, after all of the other hardships and I think of my DS, and what D will do to him, what separation has already done. I think about moving on and getting well, and finding someone else to share my life with, and how much EASIER that MAY be. There is much to ponder, and only one real decision to make, so take your time.

melody,

That is the dilemma I am facing...I truly believe that my M can be restored, I am just not sure that I want to keep waiting for my WH to remove his head from his nether regions...

I am glad that my emotional reactions to this sitch are relaxing, not as intense as they used to be.

I know that waiting is not an issue for me...I can wait...and I think I probably am supposed to be waiting, but it just feels weird not being so emotionally attached to what the end result is.

I think I am just realizing that I will be fine either way, but wanting to know if others in Plan B feel this way too...or felt this way...

Maybe this is just being at peace and knowing that God is in control and that regardless of whether or not my H returns, I will be great...

It just feels so different than what I have experienced over the last 8 months.
IHC

silent,

That is exactly what is going on in my head right now...It feels weird to not feel like there is a rush to do one thing or another...or that I even have a preference for one thing over another.

I just feel human again and know that life is going to go on! It is empowering...after feeling so out of control!!!

I cannot imagine getting to what you hope to be a new starting line and having that ripped out from under you...like you have had to do recently. But I know that you are strong and will recover faster this time.

I think your sitch actually has made me think about the possibility of moving on and how in some ways that would be the easier road. (Not that I just want to do the easy thing...I want the best for my life).

I also kind of feel guilty for not wanting my H back more than I do...does that make sense?

I would think her situation would make you think differently.

Have you noticed the effect of this on her son?

Why would you be so ready to "move on" so early in PLAN B?

I just now read your first post. Sorry. I can't relate because I never got to the point of feeling detached from my H. I continued to love him.

IHC

why are you so sure that your marraige can be restored?

just wondering what things make you think this if you are in plan B?

are you considering filing for D?

mimi,

I do still love him...and know that I would do anything to recover...for me..for him...for my kids...

I am just dealing with a lack of feeling/emotion. That is what I am strugging with I think. I don't want to act on my feelings...I want to be very rational and purposeful in my decisions.

All of my external influences (I am talking sermons and books and friends) are all still pointing me to waiting. I am just not having the feelings that I am used to having.

In my perfect plan, my M would be restored and it would be better than ever. But I also know that if H never makes an appearance again, I will be ok.

I just want to figure out how to make myself want H back again...but not be in constant pain about it...

Is any of this making sense?

IHC

IHC

i think we posted at the same time and you might have missed my post above

i think if your H does what is needed for reconcilliation, he will make deposits in your love bank and you will begin to have feelings for him again

eav,

I just know that with God ALL things are possible. He is a miracle worker, a restorer, a healer!!!! I believe all of these things with everything that is in me. Not just lip service!!! I really believe. I have friends who were divorced and 3 years later God brought them back together and now they have an amazing marriage and even counsel others...

I really struggle though with this thought:

Free will...my H has free will to choose to be the prodigal son. Even if I really want him to come home.

I guess what I am wanting is the gift of future telling. Can't I just know what is going to happen and proceed with my life accordingly!!!!LOL

we did it again!!!!

my H actually said to me that i can't make him stay married to me because God gave him free will and he's choosing to leave <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I like mimi's reply. She is right, knowing my sitch, as it is right now, I'm not even sure if *I* want to give up on my M, and that IS while I am detached from WH. All of the most recent agony that I have experienced is really for my DS, and from his problems stemming from these separations. Part of my agony is allowing the most recent turn of events to even occur. I am partly responsible for my DS's new manifestation of sadness, so I must be more prudent.

Jennifer told me if there is even one reason that I would want to recover, then that is good enough to START. After you begin making LB deposits, love returns, for both parties, as long as recovery is TWO SIDED. Don't think on where the love will come from right now; remind youself of why you DID NOT file for D, why you chose Plan B.

Sorry about not being omniscient. None of us have that power, just day by day, judging where we are and where we are going.

IHC

i had such a difficult childhood and i didn't believe in much

but i really believed my H was a gift from God

i believed in him......

then why did this happen?

eav, you sound like you are in a lot of pain today...

IHC:
Great question. I don't have any advice or comments, but I can picture myself in your situation moving forward. Particularly because in my case, WH filed back in October, and the clock is ticking. I appreciate you articulating the question so well and throwing it out there.

SL's suggestion really speaks to me:
Who knows...

Take care, IHC. You will know what to do, and when.
LS

IHC, I hear you completely. Once again, I think we are in the same place. For the past few days, I have felt as you describe.

I don't hear you saying you're giving up your plan B, I hear you saying the level of detachment is comfortable and you're wondering whether it's normal. I think this is the way it's supposed to work. Chrisner and I discussed this a few days ago on my thread, I think, and Mortarman told us it was the plan B working--that the feelings were locked up inside. If it turns out that's not the case, and you're no longer interested in reconciling with your WH, well, it's not like you didn't try, and no one in their right mind would blame you.

I have felt this same level of detatchment...and It is scary...because you feel your chances slipping away...but the chance is still there...until its not...my guess is that we all will know, individually when that time comes...

when I was begging, in my heart for WS to give us a fighting chance, I promised myself that if the time came where the roles were reversed, I would do anything I could to remain open to the possibility.

right now...I find it almost immpossible that WS will actually meet all my conditions for recovery. I am struggling with the idea that WS was not my "everything" and that thought is sad...I think it is normal to grieve for a loss...and we all are grieving the loss of our old M...we can never go back

stages of grief
1 shock
2 denial
3 bargaibing
4 guilt
5 anger
6 depression
7 acceptance and hope

I jump back and forth..up and down....its all normal

detacthment helps you think clearly because you end up with only your feelings...your needs on your plate...your not muddied by an attempt to fill others needs...you can decide what you want for yourself....finally...the the tough part is trying to match up your new expectations to the ability...and capacity of your WS to meet you half way....tough job <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />