When I choose to forgive someone who has offened, hurt, or in other ways done me wrong, I have a unique ability (so I'm told), to forgive and forget. To me forgiveness offers a clean slate to which the offening person can build a new stronger foundation for a relationship to grow, using the mistakes of the past as good learning lessons.

Recently in a discussion with my wife, I found myself talking about, defending, explaing, and ultimately apologizing for events that I thought we have resolved years ago. The errors of the past seems to haunt me when disagreements or disappointments (albeit out of my control)of the present arises. It as though the original apology, and the many since, fell on deaf ears with a hazing acceptance from my wife. As if to reserve the right to recall the event, the feelings associated with the event, to justify a position of the now.

I have not played that game with my wife, because I truly believe that if you forgive someone it should be forgotten. What do I do? How do I go about expressing my frustration with having to seek forgiveness of every mundane flaw of my past?

Sincerely,

SandBoxSailor

Do you actually ask for her forgiveness?
or do you say you are sorry and assume that means you are forgiven?... in the same manner thant you would forgive?

I think some people either can't or choose not to forgive others for mistakes - ever. They seem to prefer to carry the bad feelings with them. Maybe it is a defense mechenism in case it or something else happens in the future. I personally don't really understand it as it seems like added weight to carry around in life. For me I prefer to forgive and forget and move on fresh but people are different and so deal with life disapointments and/or issues differently.

I know the frustration though - feels like being forced to live the past and stay there. If you or anyone has a stratagy or way to deal with it I'd be all ears.

nia17: I do recall that I did ask for forgiveness. "Will you forgive me?", has been uttered more than twice. Always with a firm loving yes. That is why I am so baffled by the repeat of the past.

notashoped: I can kind of understand the holding on to feelings of resentment and/or disappointment as a means of a defense mechenism. Being depolyed in the military, it is easier for a spouse to endure the seperation when the loneliness is masked behind anger of a trivial temporary marital shortfalls, like leaving the toilet seat up.

Can this 'Failure to Forgive' be catagorized as a Love Buster?

Sincerely,

SandBoxSailor