As I think back at recent events and my WS deep deep in the fog, the hurtful words she says, the sardonic smiles she gives me, the way she is sometimes SO sure she doesn't need the marriage, how unhappy she was, how she wants to be single and free.... I can't help but wonder if I'll ever see my dear W again instead of this monster I don't recognize.

At this point, I DON'T want the WS, I won't be sad seeing her leave, or even go back to the OW.. whatever.. I don't care because she's not the woman I married. But I am sad that I'm losing my dear wife who used to love me so unconditionally.

I know clinging to false hope is not going to do any good -she may wake up, or she may never, or she may realize it long after we are divorced.

But how long did it take before you (FWS's) suddenly realized what you had done, and was there anything that triggered it?

Was it a 'moment' or was it a gradual dawning or understanding that you had done an immense wrong which needed to be corrected?

How did you overcome your pride (after telling family and friends how wrong your marriage and BS was for you) and come back to your BS and ask for forgiveness? Or did you even ask for forgiveness?

What was your initial reaction, and after all the lies how did you manage to force yourself to bare all of the truth to the person you had been lying to throughout?

I know I'm doing the right thing by letting the WS go, but will my W ever return?

I would really appreciate some insight to how it was like for a WS -> S. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've been reading on this site for a long time, and over and over you see the same thing: the WS only starts to wake up if and when they feel the BS seriously moving on without them.

That means a pitch-dark Plan B and/or initiating Plan D.

It is usually a gradual process.

Mulan

Hi Mulan...

Its somewhat like reverse psychology... she says she wants to move on, and wants ME to move on.. when I say I will move on, with or without her, she smiles and says "good"

Now, all her action points to HER wanting to end this, and that she couldn't care less if I moved on or not.. were most FWS's you described also in this state of mind and woke up when they saw their BS's moving on or from plan B?

It's very common for WSs to say stuff like, "Oh, I wouldn't mind if YOU were dating too" and "I think you should move on, too".

Until it actually happens - and especially when the BS is NO LONGER AVAILABLE for the WS, because the WS always thinks the BS will pine for them forever and will always hang around and wait if the WS should need anything or feel like coming back (you know, in case the affair doesn't work out).

Best "I'm moving on" action I've ever seen? After her WH moved out, Mimi1254 SOLD THEIR HOUSE. When her shocked WH asked her why, she said, "Well, you moved out - what else could I do but Move On?"

He came back not long after.
Mulan

Also: Your WS is very blase about all this because she thinks SHE is in control of the situation (and she probably is, at this point).

Plan B takes away this control and sometimes makes things very different. WSs do NOT like it when they are not in control.
Mulan

Thanks Mulan for that good bit of information. I did see some change in her behavior the day after I told her she was free to go and I would not force her to stay. Less hostile, we're talking more and she even tries to be 'cute' sometimes. Better than the sardonic, cold WS from before <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

However, we were apart for close to 3 weeks prior to her coming home and telling me about this "moving out" thing. And during one of our first conversations, she said "you know, all these 2+ weeks, I didn't miss you AT ALL" and smiled as sh said so. I was painful to hear, but I tried not to show any emotino. Of course, we were not in any kind of plan B or anything back then, we called each other every other day or so and had very brief, almost formal chats about the day's events.

Perhaps a good plan B will change that. Heck, at this point I'm ready to find a new girlfriend even...lol

Dev -

I was curious to see what responses you would get to this question. My WS has been saying the EXACT same things to me.

He's gone as far as saying that he thought I'd found someone and he felt "Such a sense of relief". or "I thought I might see you here with another man. I wouldn't be jealous or mad, in fact, that is what I WANT to see"

Hang in there Dev!!! Lots of folks cheering for you!

Mulan - - thanks for the replies.

This is what I had JUST discussed with a friend of mine. Her FWS told her that I needed to let WS know I was moving on,,,,, that until I force the issue, he will continue to CAKE Eat forever.

Thanks!!!

Gosh, I didn't wake up until my BH was remarried and his wife was tucking in my kids and they would say nice things about her.

It wasn't that I wanted him back actually but it was the total realization of what I'd done to our children by doing what I did.

Thanks bugsmom,

And thats the catch isn't it... are they just saying that to hide their own real feelings of hurt should you really find someone else and move on, or because we have been pining and hoping so much to make the marriage work, that our fidelity gets taken advantage of?

Coachswife,

Thanks for sharing that. I feel that my WS may realize too late, and that right now she's "very sure" of what she wants and doesn't help that her friends don't seem to be telling her "hey, hold on a minute -WHAT ARE YOU DOING GIRL??" Doesn't help that all the friends she's hanging out with are either single or broken up with their boyfriends, not a single married one so far... sheesh..

For obvious selfish reasons the WS would want you to move on. Not for your own happiness but to take the pressure off of them while they explore this new union.

If everyone around them is saying, "why don't you go back to your spouse? He is so in love and committed to the marriage"

They can now turn around and say: "Oh haven't you heard? He has moved on, he does not want me anymore. He has a new girlfriend. The marriage is over"

That restores a lot of lost credibility right there.

How refreshing it must be for them to face the world without the weight of a BS crying in the corner of a room.

sick ****** (I should know, I once said and wanted the same thing) Now that I've got it, look who is crying in the corner?

Irony and Karma at their finest moment.

If as these guys say, seeing me moving on may help, that is precisely what I am going to do.