Hi all,

i have posted my story on another thread, but here is a three line summary. DH had affair in 2004, just after i delivered DD2...he called it off after a few weeks and we moved on to the road to recovery...this year, he travelled out of the country on business for 6 weeks and i found a letter from a lady confessing her undying love for him.

I confronted him with the letter, and he denied whole heartedly, saying that he does not know what she is talking about. He said that he woould send NC, i requested for a copy and he agreed. Next day, he changed his email password. Upon request, he said that he would deal with the issue on his own since it was his problem. So conclusion is he refuses to show anything.
Now i have recieved some wonderful counsel from people on my thread, and the jist of the matter is, he has to say why he is going out of his way to hide things. I know from talking to you guys that he is up to something....to cut a long story short....now that he has shrouded himself in mystery, can i send a letter saying the following:

"i love you, but i still want answers as to what happened. if you are not willing to give me answers, then maybe we need to consider seperation since we cannot live like this"

Is this a plan B letter (ok, highly summarised version of what am planning to write). can the BS request WS to leave as part of plan B. will plan B only happen when WS decides to leave?

Need help in understanding plan B....WS wont badge with details on what happened.

bump

Marcy, the first thing you need to do is get Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley so you will understand Plan B. Plan B is complete and total no contact. You must seperate FIRST in order to go into Plan B. Plan B is not a "consideration" of seperation; it is completely ending contact AFTER seperation has taken place. So, if you go to Plan B, you must be seperated FIRST.

Here is an article about Plan B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Thanks Mel, ok, so what do i do? if he refuses to badge with any information and keeps insisting that there was nothing...what next? in my country most email communication is from the office, so i cannot upload any spyware or use other gadgets to monitor whats going home. i feel lost, i need to know what happened and he will not say, and i am not ready to live like this. Right now i have the same sinking feeling i had in 2004. Is it ok, to give ultimatums...even if it is in the kindest way possible?

some body help me....i am scared of making the wrong move. i need to know what to do please....

mercy,

I went back and read your other posts. I have to agree with the folks who called your husband a "serial cheater".....and I have first hand knowledge of what that feels like. Not only did my husband's out of town trips become opportunities for affairs, but both times....they occurred when I was pregnant.

But I'm not going to answer your question on this thread, because you aren't yet ready for Plan B. Understandably, you have had trouble doing a good plan A and so I think it's important that you finish that plan first. Separation is so risky, that it really is a last resort. And Plan B is even riskier and works best when you've completed your Plan A first.

You've got to stop the lovebusters....including emotional outbursts, ultimatums, threats, weeping etc. It will be hard....but it's essential that your husband sees you at your strongest and most attractive before you pull the plug on his antics.

He has serious entitlement issues and the idea that you should "trust" him is ludicrous. Don't ever agree to that again without him opening his entire life to you. He uses your love to fuel his secrecy and narcissism. You must continue to negotiate for an end to secrecy, but you must do it in a non-dramatic and non-lovebusting way. It's okay to fill his need for DS....but do NOT have sex with this man again until he's been tested for STDs.

While you're giving your husband an idea of how attractive you are....continue to gather information. You asked on another thread if it was okay for a Christian to hire a PI. Did you do that? If not....I think it's a reasonable way to find out the truth when your H will not provide it.

The other message your spouse needs to here (besides you love him and want to have a real marriage) is that you are strong enough to know truth and face life without him if his secretive behavior doesn't change. Once you've completed your Plan A (for a period of at least three weeks)....I think it's fine to request separation....real separation. This isn't a threat....he needs to understand that it's the inevitable result of putting a wall of secrecy between you and he.

Believe me, with two small children....he feels as though your options are limited and that he has the upper hand. So it's doubly important that you remain calm and capable so that he knows you're not some weeping female who will put up with this cr*p.

Your snooping needs to go underground so that he's offguard and you have the best chance of finding out what you need. Without the truth.....he's got enough squirm room to accuse you of crazy jealousy and other smokescreen accusations. Let it roll off of your back. When he calls you crazy or jealous....laugh. Tell him that you've learned to trust your instincts and that his attempts to make YOU look the crazy one will not work.

Don't be cold....but keep your cool. Avoid passive aggressive behavior because that's a big LB too and it will be tempting. I know it's a tall order to expect you to remain calm while he's playing you for a fool....but do your best so that your Plan B is effective when you are ready.

Don't let him bully you into accepting his lack of openess or convince you that this is all in your head. You know the truth...but you need some proof before you can make a productive confrontation.

So hang back. Take this time to do some real research. Even if he does most of his emailing at work....put the keylogger on the home computer anyway....waywards get stupid and sloppy and he may show his hand.

You aren't alone mercy. And just so you know....my H and I have been in recovery for four years now and are doing great. This is survivable, but it will require real growth in his character....otherwise....you're setting yourself up for alot of future heartbreak.

So get the first part of Plan A perfected....stop all lovebusters, fill "reasonable" needs (not sex) and negotiate. When you have more info....you will do confrontation and exposure....THEN, if none of that works....you'll go to Plan B.

(((((((((((((((((((mercy))))))))))))))))

thanks star!! thank you very much. It is going to be difficult, but i see where you are coming from....no more LBs from my end...thats for sure....i will have to steel myself up.....thank you very much. I will save the letter for now..until when it is needed. I was feeling stuck, really stuck, but i appreciate what you just said.

thanks