I posted my story a couple of weeks ago and was having a problem with exposure. Last night, I had a long discussion with my WW, and she told me what she has been feeling for the 2 months since DDay. She kept telling me over that time that she was "trying to figure things out" and all of the other classic lines that a WW uses. She took a business trip with the OM last week, and yesterday called me and told me she had another one planned for our anniversary weekend that she couldn't get out of. I was ready last night to have her leave, but when we talked last night, she told me the the thing she needed to work out was whether she wanted me or her job. Since the OM is her boss, I have had a difficult time with this since DDay.

Last night she told me she was going to resign her position this morning. I wonder why I don't have a sense of happiness. I know it is what's needed for us to move on, but I know see the pain reflected in her eyes. She told me she knew this would be the price she had to pay for her actions. Said she knew since DDay. She couldn't expect me to live with her going to work for him, just like she couldn't live with it if it were me doing this to her.

So....I took the "high road" and she realized that quitting was her only option. I explained the NC rule to her. NC means NC...ever. Now I need some advice on how to make that happen. The OM will no doubt try to get her to stay when she resigns this morning. I'm thinking I may even get a phone call from him today trying to "make me understand" that nothing is going on anymore. How do I keep my cool if that happens? Do I contact him and give him the NC talk?

Thanks for the advice....today is better than yeterday.

vet,


I hope your wife is strong enough to stick to her resolution despite his efforts....and he WILL make an effort. If he calls you.....just politely tell him to stay away from your wife and that leaving the job is non-negotiable for the goal of saving your marriage. Tell him a REAL man will respect that and back off. Then hang up.


No...he doesn't deserve even that much respect. It should be done with an impersonal, business-like, written, no contact letter stating clearly <from your wife> that she wants NO CONTACT EVER.

Today IS better than yesterday.....so be encouraged. Once the no contact is established...you WILL begin to feel more happiness, but it's understandable that your feelings are still "guarded" until she is able to complete her resignation. Too bad she couldn't simply do it in writing instead of giving him a face to face opportunity to change her mind or delay her resignation until he can influence her.

I will keep you in my prayers today sir!!

Why not go into the office with her when she goes in to resign this morning? THAT should limit what OM can say at that point!

hurtvet, this is good news, but I do not see that you have taken the "high road" if you have not exposed the affair to the OMW. That is the "low road," that only serves to enable the affair at the expense of 2 marriages. The high road is the open, honest one that harms the affair. You have not taken that yet.

I do hope she follows through and really quits her job and ends all contact, but that leaves the matter of the OM's wife. She must be told about the affair so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and the OM. It also serves to decrease the risk of a resumption [very common] when there are 2 ppl watching the affairees from both ends.

The next steps, after she quits the job, ends contact, and you have informed the other victim, is to ask your W to send him a no contact letter. The letter should be written together and mailed by you, to his home. The OMW should also see the letter. I will post a sample frm Surviving an Affair below.

Please also read the link I post about what it will take to recover your marriage after an affair. Your wife should be willing to take these steps in order to recover the damage to her marriage.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Sample no contact letter:
Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she's been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

ML,

I guess I thought I took the high road by not putting another family through the pain that I have been through, and that she came to the realization on her own, and really knew back on DDay that she could not continue working with this man. The pain and suffering that I have been going through for 2 months was almost too much to carry. I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through that...even his wife.

I asked her last night if she would get into counseling. She said she didn't need it now....I asked about us going together...she said "fine". I assume she is just now coming to terms with what she has done, and the price she has to pay. I hope this will fade in time, because I don't want her to stay if she will resent me and look at me as the one that "made her quit." That's the reason I'm not as happy today as I thought I would be.

But I am better than yesterday.

That pain is a consequence of the OM's actions, NOT YOURS!!

The OMW needs to know the truth about her WH.

Hurtvet,
You also have the ability to play the "hostile work environment" card if the boss won;t leae your wife alone. the fact that she is quitting as a result of an inappropriate relationship between her and her immediate superior should jeopardize his job if exposed to HR. I think you would well serve all the future BH of women that will work for this scum in the future by exposing, but you probably will get more peronal mileage out of a threat to expose at work if he ever makes contact with your W again.

Hurt,

Like all the others are saying - you did not cause this pain, your wife and OM did.


Lets play what if:

What if you don't expose this to OMW.

What if your wife just can't stand not talking to or seeing the OM? Your wife calls him from a payphone, or has lunch with him or shares a hotel room with him? Oh she said that she was at a job interview, but was really at No Tell Motel room 12.



Now let's play what if you tell OMW:

Your wife calls OM while feeling down. OM can't risk seeing her for lunch because his wife is watching every move he makes for now.

See how exposure helps. Also, if OMW knew about the A and you didn't, wouldn't you want her to tell you?

ok, so if your neighbors bookkeeper was embezzling money from him would you not warn him because you wouldn't want him to "experience any pain?" Wouldn't that be a ridiculous notion that would infuriate your neighbor if he ever found out you were too complacent/thoughtless to warn him?

It is the same premise with adultery; the OMW is being harmed behind her back, exposed to STDs and no one will tell her so she can protect herself.

She has a right to know the facts about her own life. To not tell this woman she is being harmed behind her back is cruel. If she knows the truth, she will have a chance to correct the problem and save her marriage. And to get STD testing that may save her life.

Please believe me, it is not the "high road" to refuse to warn someone they are being destroyed behind their back. It is the low road; it is cruel and callous. It is the imperative of decent people to warn someone when they are being harmed.

Please tell the OMW about the affair, hurtvet. She has to know the truth and your marriage [and hers] will benefit from her knowing.