I have to know what an EA is. I talk to both men and women all the time that my H doesn't know about. It's not because I want these people in any way. It's just because I have always been that way. I will talk to anyone no matter the race or social status does that make me and adulter. I don't quite understand this aspect. I would like some clarifaction. I don't talk to anyone on a presonal level about things that are going on in my M other than here and with a few of my personal female friends. I have been attracted to others but instead of acting on it I told my H what I was feeling other than this what should one do? Are we not even suppose to talk to people of the opposite sex?

EA is when you confide in a particular member of the opposite sex more than you do your spouse, when you confide problems of your marriage to them, when you meet with them
secretly, when you talk to them secretly. Pretty much if you tell them anything you wouldn't want your spouse to hear. If you can't talk to them in front of your spouse
rethink that friendship. If you don't talk on a personal level, then you are fine. You seem to have a good honesty
policy if you can confide in your H the fact that you may be attracted to others.

Where the trouble starts is if a person is attracted to you, and HE starts confiding in YOU. Some folks have a knack to draw others into their lives and they never even saw it coming. All at once, there are problems in marriages that weren't there before, marital history is being rewritten, and then someone starts going back years to a statement made in anger and then, it's on......

22D

If you say or do anything with another person that you are certain, or even pretty sure would wound your husband ... don't do/say it.

It that a difficult committment for you?

Pep

From the late, great Shirley Glass phd:

http://www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

another good description from:

http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm

No I don't say anything to anyone that I don't tell my H. I tell him pretty much everything that's on my mind. It's one of the reason we argue. I want him to show an interest in what I do from day to day and he feels he doesn't need to ask because I am such an open book, but to me when he doesn't show interest I feel like he doesn't care.

As far as saying things that may wound him I mean he does things at times that upset me that I tell my female friends about and vent to them about that I would not tell him what I think of him at the moment but I do let him know I don't like some of the things he does. That's about it.

My H had an emotional affair for 8 months and it has completely devastated me. It began when she was upset with her H and confided in my H about what was happening. She asked him not to say anything and he took that to mean to anyone, not even me. That was his first mistake. It then turned to more calls which became daily, and I mean even while we were away for the weekend, and averaging 3 times a day. I never knew until I discovered increasing cell phone bills and confronted him. He denied that he had kept it a secret but that's exactly what he had done. How can you talk to someone 3 times a day every day including times you are with your spouse and your spouse never knows about it unless you were hiding it?

He convinced himself, and still believes it somewhat, that he did nothing wrong because he didn't have sex. He gave her his heart, maybe not in love but she's the one he "talked" to, she's the one he needed to talk to every day and I never knew.

It's not the mere act of talking to a member of the opposite sex that makes it wrong. If you would ever hesitate to tell your H every detail of your conversation with another man, then you have crossed the line. You may not feel so at the time, but that would be the first indication that you are heading for trouble. The same is true if you either share your marital problems with another man or if he were to share them with you. If another man finds you easy to talk to and tries to do this, you should never let it happen without your H being present.

If you hide nothing from your H, you have nothing to worry about. Based on what you said, it sounds like you've done nothing wrong.

But what I wonder is why would you be here and what makes you ask this question?

DIG, you're still not getting the whole picture. When you have an EA....you INVEST emotional energy outside of your marriage. The time you give other people, is time and energy that belongs to your husband. And you get something out of it.....probably admiration, attention.


From Peggy Vaughn....the grand dame of marriage therapy:

I am here because I was attracted to someone that I told my H about and considered being with them intamently with but never in anyway acted on it. The other person did not even disclose to the OP how I felt. I told my H because I knew it meant that I was not getting something I needed from him so I wanted to give him a chance to fix it.

In doing this and coming here I realized that I too was doing the same things I was angry with him for doing. Like minimalizing his feeling and desires and not giving him more of my time and attention. In short I wanted to affair proof my M for myself my H and our kids.

Ok star I don't get it are you saying that I can't even go to my friends and get counsel about issues my H and I have because in doing this I am having a EA with them. I am not gay and have no interest in woman other than kinship so I don't understand how can this be the case.

I go to my BFF and say girl I am so tire of C i think I can't take anymore of his crap he acts like one of the kids and I have enough of them and I don't need another. However I go to my H and say I need you to tell me waht it is you want from me instead of thinking I can read your mind, because when you do this I think you are acting like one of the kids. If I had went to him and said what I did to my friend about my H the way I did the I would be LBing. So I see talking to one of my friends and getting a different prespective before I tell my H how his behavior affects me is a positive thing. Would you agree. Other wise what I see you saying is outside of your H that you can't have any friends. I don't think I could live with that.

When you have an emotional affair....you ALLOW other people to meet the needs that should be met by your husband....and that ROBS him of the opportunity to fill the needs that only a husband should fill.

Anything that hurts your spouse is a lovebuster that destroys intimacy and love.

The fact that you've been "attracted by others" should be a red flag for you. It might be time to create better marital boundaries.

PS: I sent you quotes from the best authorities I know of on emotional affairs. Nobody said you couldn't have girlfriends....everyone is talking about opposite sex friendships. However, even girlfriends can sometimes take up so much time that it hurts your marriage.

I'm not sure you "want" to "get it". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Dig, That isn't what Star was saying. Read carefully the emotional aspect of the EA. We are all guilty of a little
H bashing to our girlfriends from time to time.
Randy Travis wrote "as long as old women sit and talk about old men" in his "I'm gonna Love you forever"

She's talking about YOU having clear concise boundaries
for YOURSELF when talking to men. If you considered intimacy with this fellow, you may have already crossed over into at least an EA potential with him.
Be careful, continue to read here, and take a total interest in your H, as soon as he notices it, he will take a total interest in you.
22D

You should never talk with people of the opposite sex in ANY fashion that would make your husband uncomfortable, or presents a risk to your marriage.

Your boundary about not talking about issues in your marriage or personal things is a good start. Add to that to never discuss anything that you know your H would not be comfortable sharing with another man. Include in there to never disclose any kind of attraction to that other person.

Here's the bottom line...think about what things you wouldn't want your H discussing with another woman. If you're saying something to another man that you wouldn't say if your H is standing right there next to you, you probably shouldn't be saying it.

An EA is an emotional affair. It's when you start to develop feelings for someone else, but there's no physical affair started...normally you can add a 'yet' on there.

Case in point...my wife had an 'online EA' with a man she'd never met in person. She talked with him about personal issues, problems with our kids, issues she felt were going on in our marriage, her hopes for the future, etc...

And he listened. And that allowed him to begin meeting her EN (emotional need) for conversation. It attracted her to him...and him to her. The more they were attracted, the more they discussed. He often tried to turn the conversations to a sexual nature.

End result? They were convinced they were in love with each other...head over heels in love. She fantasized about 'running away' with him. They made plans to meet...to see 'if it was real in person'. I caught them before that happened. And still, the day I caught them, he bought her plane tickets so that she could go live with him...even though they'd never met!!! And she was all set to go...convinced that our marriage was down the tubes. All because of the 'rewritten history' and 'fog'.

She didn't go. We're coming up on three years of recovery now. But the damage was the same as any other affair. She was devestated that they broke up...went through the withdrawl. I was totally destroyed by her actions. You get the idea.

And it all started by them talking via the internet. Then via the phone, and emails.

And yes, at some point there were things she said that she later knew she wouldn't have said if I could have seen them...and THAT was the moment the actual "EA" started.

Make sense?

DIG, I think what you are doing is the right way to do it. I think bouncing things off of your BFF is a much better decision than attacking your H with anger or seeking advice from a MF. Getting an outside opinion helps to difuse some of the anger and see if you are being unreasonable before approaching him, hopefully giving you a better chance at getting what you want.

I wish my H had done this instead of his EA.

Dig,

The easiest way to tell if a friendship is becoming an EA is to ask yourself these two questions: Do you do or say anything with your friend that you would not want your spouse to know about because he/she would be hurt by it? AND; Is there a sexual tension between you and your friend?

If the answer to both is, "Yes" then run from the relationship. It really doesn't even matter if it is a same sex relationship, since in today's society, the mantra of "different strokes for different folks" is so widely accepted.

Mark

Ok that's just it the things I talk to anyone about other than my H or my BFF is nothing he would find offensive in any manner. It's usally about some way I gooffed up or about my kids. I know he wouldn't care about that. I took the test that you posted star and I scored a one so I guess I do get it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

The only people I talk to about the issues in my M are here and my H his mom and my BFF. So there is no chance for that to happen.

If most people are honest they will admit they have thought if I wasn't married I would like a go at him/her. I don't think anything is wrong with that as long you don't try and make it happen. Am I wrong in believing this?

asking this Q:



makes me wonder what the purpose of this thread is...

I'm confused

WHAT is your purpose?

pep

Dig,

I agree with this. Almost everyone has found themselves attracted to someone else even if they have no intention of following through. In some of your earlier posts though you mentioned that your husband has been neglectful (which makes you and your marriage more vulnerable), and that you were seeking "affirmation" from some other men....so that's a little riskier than just an "attraction", because it is filling a real need of yours that can trigger more romantic and sexual feelings since your marriage is not in a good place.

Fortunately, you had the presence of mind to tell your spouse about it and come here seeking information....I give you great big kudos for that. But I would be remiss if I didn't remind you that you ARE vulnerable and give you clear guildelines to protect you....that's what I hoped the articles might provide for you.

You asked the question....so I tried my best to give you the best answers I could find. I'm glad that you've taken the test and now know that what you need to keep on doing to make sure that a friendship doesn't cross any important marital boundaries.

Aside from the subject of your conversations....make sure that you get your "affirmation" from your husband, because that's such a strong need of yours that it would be dangerous to allow another man....even just a friend....to fill that, okay?

Be safe. Good luck

Thank you Star. That was very helpful yes myH was neglectful until I told him I was attracted to someone else and had consider cheating. Since then things between us have gotten alot better. I agree 100% that he is the only I should turn to to met my most important EN that's why I let him know what I was feeling instead of acting on it. Also the reason I chose not to act on what I was feeling is because I have been betrayed in that way and I would not wish the pain I felt on anyone. At the time I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me now I see it as a blessing. I see that R get better a whole lot faster without the whole cheating aspect added to the mix.

Now I am even at the point where I think my H has filled my LB and I couldn't be happier.

Pep the point of the thread was for clarifiaction because it seems to me that some point it was being implied that you should only turn to your S for companionship and I know that my C told me that my H can't be my girlfriend and that I can not espect to talk to him like I do my GF because men aren't built that way. So I didn't get that. We can't exspect our S to met all of our needs no one person can do that not only is it immposible but it's unhealthy. So I wanted to clear that up. Hope this help.

Thanks for the advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think what youre doing is A+++. You should be so proud of yourself for doing the right thing, and talking to your H about your attraction to this someone. Have you discontinued your contact with them?

I would think that any BS would be the first to say how fortunate your H is to have your honesty and that youre doing the right thing in handling this situation. If only they had been so lucky.


I think youre right on. I say continue talking and being honest with your H and hopefully he will step up, and do the right thing as well. If he doesnt you just make sure that NO MATTER what, you stay true to yourself and continue to do the right thing.
Blessing to you!

DIG:

Remember one thing.

You didn't get here in one day.

It took you 20 years before you were married, and 11 years more of M to make you how you are.

And three months on this website will not change all of that. Not that all of it needs to be changed, but to slowly recognize the destructive behaviors we have with our spouses, as well as with ourselves.

Your last post spoke of your H filling your LB and you couldn't be happier.

The proof is that it keeps occurring. That's the kicker.

Are you in for the long haul?

LG

BTW:
And have SF with your H anywhere you want. Why does HE have to take the lead?