I also posted this on the **edit** site, but it I really need some advice on this situation. I am an OC, didn't find out until I was 16 years old (I am now 27 years old). Up until that time I knew nothing about my father, since my mom never talked about him. She was a single parent who never got or filed for child support.

At 16, my family moved back to my hometown and I met my father one day out of the blue. I was very happy to meet him, since I had always wanted to meet my father. I looked very different from my mother's family and spent many years wondering about my father. As a young girl I always wished I could have my father in my life and it felt so good to meet my real father. So many questions were answered just by seeing him for the first time and I soon realized why I looked so different from my siblings. I looked just like him.

Well about 6 months later, I found out my father was married and had been married to his 2nd wife, since 1973 and they have 3 sons (all older then me). During this time I talked on the phone with one of my half brothers for the first time (he was 19 at the time) and quickly established a relationship. By this time my family moved out of my hometown again due to financial difficulties. Well the other 2 half brothers wanted to talk to me also, up until this time I seriously doubt his wife knew I existed. Around the time I met my other two half brothers, his wife became aware of my existence (I was 17 years old) and started to treat my like crap. Whenever she found out my half brothers or anyone else in my father's family had communication with me or wanted to meet me she would get very upset.

She saw me for the first time when I was 18 years old, when I moved back to my hometown on my own (to attend college). I think it even upset her more to actually see me, because I am my father's only girl and I look more like him then the 3 sons they had together. A few months after I saw her, my father had me at their house. She comes up to me and said " Don't think you are staying for dinner or anything like that".

For about a year she would be nice to me in front of my father, but as soon as he wasn't in an earshot, she would come and say very awful things to me. She even told me one day that she wishes I would cease contact with my father. Now she just treats me like dirt. Everytime I call she hangs up the phone on me. She gets mad whenever my father and I have any contact with each other. When I had my first child, she walked up to me and said "that is a fine baby" and continued to treat me like dirt. One time me, my hubby and kids came to see my dad, since we had just got out of the military and moved back to my hometown. Well she spoke to my husband, but didn't say a word to me. I also found out I am not the first OC, but the second OC my father had. He had a OC (son) with OW, 5 years before I was born. The OW in this case filed for CS, so my father's wife knew about the first OC since he was 2 years old.

The saddest part, my mom didn't know that my dad was married when she was with him. As soon as she found out he was married she ended the relationship with him (this was verified by my father, my mom, and my aunt). A week later she found out she was pregnant with me, my aunt had found out from a friend that my father was married. When my mom confronted my father about being married, he told her the truth and she ended it with him. She only contacted him again to let him know that she was pregnant. She never contacted his wife (I think personally my mom was embarrassed by the whole situation). The OC he had with the OW also didn't know my father was married until after she was already pregnant.

I have lots of burning questions for BS.

1. Why do some BS (not all) treat the OC like garbage or something just to hurry up and throw out of their father's lives?

2. Also don't they realize it is not the OC fault, so why should they have to suffer without having their father in their lives or be on the receiving end of ill treatment.

3. What about cases where the woman didn't know the guy was married until after she was pregnant. (I saw this a lot while I was in the military, especially on long deployment). Because sometimes the guy would have a spouse who didn't even live in the same state or country as they did.Some of the guys in the military had a saying "They were single men if the wife wasn't in the same city, state, or country." I always hated that saying because it is an invitation for trouble. Some woman still treat the OW and OC like garbage even if they didn't know. I think in cases like this the OW is innocent. This is especially for the BS who would prefer their husbands have no contact with the OC.

4. Shouldn't 90-100% of your anger be directed at your husband, since he did make the vow before God and his family to be true only to you. It is extremely disrespectful to not only cheat on your spouse, but not have enough respect to at least wear a condom. I am pretty sure no one held a gun to the husband's head and forces them to sleep with the OW. It takes two to make a baby.

5. I see too many times were a man will have at least 2 OC and the anger is always directed at the other woman, but will continue to take their husbands back and get mad at every new woman that the man starts an affair with.

I am not trying to offend anybody, I want try to see my father's wife side of things. Although I have been nothing but nice to her for the past 10 years she has treated me like dirt. My father and I have established a relationship since the day we met. Sorry for the post being so long I just really had to vent. She treats me like things are all my fault. The crazy thing is that I found out 3 years ago that she is a total hypocrite. She cheated with my father and got pregnant while my father was still with his first wife. My father being the dirty dog he is left his first wife to be with her. In addition, he has told me that he still loves my mom, however my mom is married and has no interest in him.

Wow!! Sweetie, none of that is your fault. No accounting for the behavior of dysfunctional adults. I'm so sorry.

22D

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

What I see:

YOU, trying to connect/interact with a person who continues to treat you"like dirt" for a decade.

Why don't you avoid her and see your father separately?

Pep

younglady,

I agree that the innocence of the OC is to be respected and valued as every child should be.





I had to get to the last paragraph of your post to get ANY negative feedback from you regarding his deplorable amorality. You blame his wife very readily. Methinks you need to identify that the odor is emanating from a different skunk than you would like.

Pep has it right. Arrange to see your father away from his wife. She is apparently very insecure. Why waste your time trying to be civil to her?

My sons' father had 2 OC's. I found out about one when she was 2, but didn't find out about the other until my son's were 15 and 18. She called our home and spoke to my sons. I was on vacation and they called me and told me that their sister, Jen had called. It was quite a shock!

Strangely, my boys' dad didn't contact her, and then he died suddenly. But we have kept in touch and she came and visited. Afterall, she is a sister to my boys. She has been talking with my sons about all of them getting DNA testing to be sure. I'm leaving it up to them.

Your Father's W is not a BS, she is a WW that is still fogged out after 30 years and blaming the world for her bad choices. I know it hurts you, but this has nothing to do with you.

No self respecting human being would treat an OC this way.

The point is ...if you want an ice-cream cone, don't go into the hardware store look around, then complain they don't sell ice-cream!

Asking : "WHY can't I get ice-cream here?" ... is a waste of time ... ESPECIALLY asking after going to the same hardware store more than 10 years

Your father's wife does NOT sell ice-cream .... If that's what you want/need, get it somewhere else where they DO sell ice-cream!

Pep

I had to get to the last paragraph of your post to get ANY negative feedback from you regarding his deplorable amorality. You blame his wife very readily. Methinks you need to identify that the odor is emanating from a different skunk than you would like. [/quote]

Believe me I blame him for all of it, but no one else is treating me like dirt except for her. Although I was happy to see my father for the first time it wasn't like I just accepted him with open arms, it was a lot of questions and issues I had with him. It took over 4 years before I really opened up to him, but he didn't just get off the hook. A lot issues and questions I had made him very uncomfortable, but no matter how uncomfortable the issues made him he answered them and worked hard to address these issues I had with him. I said a lot of negative things about him during that time and I let him know these negative feelings. We spent many years discussing everything and 10 years later we have a decent relationship.

You would think after 10 years she still would continue not to fault me, but she does. Keep in mind that everyone else said I am not at fault, but obviously she feels differently, so yes she is going to get all of the heat. No one else treats me like I am at fault for this except for her. In addition, anytime anyone in my father's family has any type of contact with me she gets very upset with them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

It is one thing to not like the OC, but it is another thing to mistreat others who do want to establish a relationship with the OC. Her sons were grown men when they met me (the youngest son was 19). Her sons are adults that live on their own and have their own lives, so if they want to have a relationship with me is up to them not her. She can't get mad and tear up pictures of my kids that I send to my half-brother's homes. She will rarely talks to my father's sister anymore, because we have such a close relationship. At one point I even stopped communicating with my aunt because of this. When my aunt asked why I told her this was the reason why. My aunt said "I am a grown woman and don't need some other woman trying to dictate who I have relationships with, all I know is you are my niece and I love you". From that point on my father's wife made it a point not to communicate with my aunt.

What got me to the boiling point, where I am now venting now is that my one of my half-brothers is getting married in June. Well my half brother's fiance wanted my 4 year old daughter to be the flower girl in the wedding. I told my brothers and his fiance no, because his mother will get very upset and it was cause a lot of drama. Well they still insisted that I come to the wedding and gave us an invitation. Yesterday when my father's wife found out I was invited to the wedding she snapped on my half-brother and his fiance and said a lot of mean things to them. I really want to go and my half-brother wants me to come also, but I am not going to go. It would probably cause to much drama.

When you happen upon a wasp nest ... my advice is to avoid it and NEVER poke it with a stick.

If these people cause you misery/hurt ... avoid them !

Pep

To you and Pep,

I do see my father separately so I can avoid her. The biggest issue seems to be that when she realizes that others in my father's family are in contact with me or have a relationship with me, she just seems to go beserk and gets mad at them. I don't like the fact that she gets mad at them for wanting to maintain a relationship with me.

so what? leave THEIR drama where it belongs ~~~> OUTside your door

your job is to create a wonderful life for yourself and YOUR family ... your little girl... are you married?

Pep

It is so funny that you say this. Because when I met my oldest brother (the one my father had with his first wife). He felt no sympathy for her. He said karma will do that to you. She cared nothing about my father's first wife and did it to her. He said she thought it was okay when she was doing it to his mom (my father's first wife), but now that the tables have turned she can't handle it. Ironically we all live in SE Louisiana.

Yes I am married, as a matter of fact some of them came to my wedding and I have 2 girls. At times I have thought about just cutting off all contact with everyone on my father's side of the family. But I have grown very close to some them. My aunt came to help me out when I went on bedrest with my 2nd pregnancy, so that my husband wouldn't have to take time off from work and we talk almost every other day by phone or email. I also grown close to my half-brothers. With my oldest half-brother our kids do everything together and we have spent many holidays together. I know it is just an all around bad situation and I feel awful about the whole thing.

Well you're no. 4 from S Lousiana that I know of. If we get any more we'll have to start a local chapter.

and listen to PEP. She could teach Dr Phil a thing or two.

there's some great people here that want to help.

Take Care

That statement alone makes me think you spent A LOT of time at OC.com. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Nearly all do. Ya HEAR ME?

But guess what? Everyone in this situation gets a slice of the hurt pie. OC does, COM does and BW does...not to mention the infidels.

Does that mean yours is bigger or worse? Dunno. But it's darn skippy who the blame lies in and it's not in the betrayed or ANY of the kids.

Period.



Yeah. The OW in this case is innocent...to a point...

Wanna know what that point is?

The point is sleeping with anyone before marriage has risks. This is one of em. If you don't like it or the risk is too great in your mind, there is a cure.

It's called self restraint.



Oh for the love of little green apples!

Classic!

Straight out of an OW handbook that one.

Hey. Guess what? You have NO CLUE WHATSOEVER what goes on in their house. Got that?

NONE.

You don't know what she does and does not hold him accountable for....NOR DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S HELD HIMSELF ACCOUNTABLE FOR!

Por favor!



Gee. I wonder who this was directed to....how odd, that statement.

FTR: One OW.

ONE.

2 OCs/same woman....

And yep...I took him AND the children....accepted them all.

Was ticked at him about it...held HIM accountable....

But once done...everything the OW has done to US and the children since then has made me go from feeling sorry for the kooze to loathing HER...no one else...HER and her actions from then on out....

Capice?

you GO girl

Pep has it right. Why do you want to have anything to do with this person who hurts you?

Should she hurt you? Of course not. Is any of this your fault? Of course not, and it's sickening that she would treat you this way, but she's been doing it for a long time and shows no signs of changing.

Why is she doing it? The simplest answer is that she's a broken person--damaged and in denial from her own infidelity, hurt and angry that her husband cheated on her (*gasp*), and you are a scapegoat for her.

She's a small, sad person. Don't let her hurt you anymore.

Younglady:

Through all this....

Were is your Birth mother?

Were is any step-dad? If any?

All this concern about somebody who didn't care about you for 16 years, (Which may have been mutual consent with birth mother)

But nothing about the folks who got you there.

And seems that now you have a good relationship with donating father and half-brothers.

Just ignore your donating father's wife.

Go to the wedding, IF she makes a scene, hold your head high and say your brother invited you.


LG

While I feel for the pain you have been through, I think I have a different perspective from most.

My first WXH has an OC who was born after we had separated. This child is not my childrens siblings. He has no place at my family gatherings and I have no desire to include him in our lives. The circumstances of his birth were not his fault, but neither does that entitle him to any special place in our family.

I worked very hard to bring up our two DDs and my X was very involved. Together we did a good job, but I am not a big enough person to handle the constant reminder of why we are no longer together. Neither do my DDs deserve to have to constantly share what little of their father they get with someone else. I would be very upset to have a child I never knew show up and claim a place in my family simply because of shared DNA

You have a right to be upset with your father, and to not like the treatment of his wife, but have you truly taken into account the expectations you have placed upon people who were for the most part as innocent as you are and weighed the consequences of what effect this will have on their lives? I can understand your need to know your father and would advise you to persue that relationship directly with him, but leave the others out of it until his wife can come to terms with the changes. I would have fought like a lioness to keep my DDs from having anything to do with my XWH OC and still feel no desire to include him in MY family.

I am sorry if my opinion sounds harsh, but not everyone handles pain in the same ways, and it may be that we still do not understand what your father's wife is feeling, but she is entitled to deal with it in her own way. Protect yourself, but try not to judge her either.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE NOT UNDERSTANDING BUT I AM TALKING ABOUT WOMEN ARE MARRIED TO MEN THAT HAVE HAD 2 OC BY 2 DIFFERENT WOMEN, NOT 2 OC WITH 1 OW, SO YOU CAN GET OFF OF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND SOAP BOX. THIS STATEMENT IS DIRECTED TOWARDS MY FATHER'S WIFE WHO CONTINUES TO TAKE HIM BACK AND HE CONTINUES TO CHEAT ON HER. You accepted your husbands OC may God bless you because others feel the need to treat innocent children (yes I am thinking about myself here) like they did something wrong.


I have been out with my father while he goes and flirts with other women. BUT THE POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE IS THAT IF A MAN WANTS TO CHEAT (MARRIED OR NOT) HE IS GOING TO CHEAT. My father's wife continues to get mad at every new woman my father meets, but never at my father. THE PROBLEM IS NOT THE OTHER WOMEN IT IS MY FATHER.


Also no I don't feel the least bit sorry for her, because if you completely read my post and all my replies. You would have saw were I stated my father's wife was in a relationship with my father while he was still with his first wife. What in the world did she expect? As a matter fact my oldest 2 brothers are exactly 12 months and 2 days apart in age (37 and 36). My father was still legally married to his first wife when his current wife had her oldest son. My father's first wife and oldest brother said she is getting what she deserves.

I will say in this day and age of HIV and other STD, I be very careful if I was her or any other wife that continues to take back a man who has cheated a lot of times with many different women. I don't know about you but I think contracting HIV would be a lot worse then dealing with an OC. You can take what I just said to the bank and cash it. I really don't care if you don't like what I just said, but this is my situation. So you can get off your little "holier then thou" kick.

Capice?