If you've followed my other thread you know that the A has not been exposed to OWH. My reason is that OWH is an a$$ and I'm afraid of what he will do when he finds out. I'm sure he won't do any physical harm, but he could do some pretty good damage verbally w/in our community. Since I found out about the A 2 mo. ago it's been kept quiet. Only a handful of people know. I am afraid of what this could do to my WH reputation with the community, with his family, through his employers, everything. So, what I'm looking for is help and maybe experiences of how exposure helped or hurt you relationship and life in general. Thanks!!!!

Wowser,

If your WH's reputation is at stake....then that actually INCREASES the effectiveness of exposure. If the WS has nothing to lose in a community of people who wouldn't care....then it doesn't have near the effectiveness as a tool.

I'm sorry. I don't understand. If his reputation is at stake and the A get exposed and gets out, how is that effective?? We're working on this M and I don't want any further emotional setbacks. Please explain further.

Okay, If your husband has ended all contact with the OW (it sounds like you still have contact but he doesn't?) then you're approaching "exposure" from a moral and preventive position. If that's true....then you must use exposure because it's the "right" thing to do, as well as a safeguard for future contact. If the affair is over, and you're already in recovery....THAT's when exposure is harder. As part of your husband's recovery, I personally think he should "man-up" and do the exposure himself. But he needs to know, that if he doesn't....you feel a moral obligation to tell the OWH. This is where is reputation comes into play. If he values his reputation, he will confront this issue in a way that protects his reputation. So what I mean is that preserving his reputation is a good motivation for him to do the right thing....rather than further put you in a position where you must do it. It will also make him think twice about recontact. If people already thought badly of your spouse, or his reputation was not important to his job....he might not care who knew. KWIM? It's HORRID that you still have to work with this woman....and he should be willing to either tell her husband, or allow you to contact her husband and put an end to this once and for all.

And I want to make one clarification. When I say "allow"....I DO NOT mean that your husband should have the power to prevent you from following your own moral compass and letting the other BS know. However, it is FAR better in recovery if you CAN poja that issue. If he won't agree....then you've will have to make your own decision with or without his blessing if it's too much of a moral burden for you. It's not your fault he put you in this position. And it's not your job to protect his reputation....that's his job.

I don't know... I think it would be smarter to just sell your house, pack your bags and move away to a place where no one knows you. That way, your husbands reputation (which is fake) can stay a nice safe secret, and thus you have your security and status still wherever you are.

Rook,

Are you suggesting that the other BS has no right to know? Doesn't that enable her to ruin someone else's marriage? Status is an empty distinction if it's based on lies.

Star-fish, Thank you for answering. It makes perfect sense to me now.

That exact thought has gone through my head many, many times! It's hard to pack up and give up so many things over something I didn't cause though.

Exposure is a technique designed to end the adultery and it may not be a necessary thing to do if one is 100% assured the adultery is over.

That’s a general rule of thumb, if you want to think of it in such a fashion, but there’s at least one exception that definitely applies in your situation. Put simply, the spouse of the other person has the right to put his or her house in order. He or she has a right to correct the problems in their own marriage, just as you are addressing the ones in your relationship.

BTW, to avoid a general exposure campaign to smash the adultery, how have you reached a point where you can guarantee yourself your WH’s adultery is not still ongoing?

You show a concern for your husband’s reputation that mystifies me. Even if the OWH does, in fact, broadcast what he knows all over town (and that is by no means a certainty), the hit to your husband’s rep is a byproduct of his adultery, not a factor of having someone disclose it. You’re protecting your WH from a (possible) consequence of his immoral conduct and choices and you can’t do that. It’s counterproductive.

One other thought I had, and you guys can help me with this is.. If I or my WH exposes to OWH would that soften the blow of how he feels towards my WH? Say if I approach OWH and tell him my WH and I are trying to work our M out but he needs to know about the A, would this calm him down, or would it make it worse?? What do you guys think?? BTW and I don't know if this matters but it's not the OW's 1st A. She's had 2 others (that OWH knows of).

I guess I can't 100% guarantee that the A is not ongoing. Can you ever 100% certainty say that?!? The fact that it's been exposed to me, and a few close friends help. The fact that he is continueing in counseling is helping me also.

And I know that he blew his rep the second he unbuttoned his pants, but I don't want it to affect our general welfare. I don't want it affecting his job or his ability to stay in his job. In this judgemental small town it is very complicated. I'm afraid of the affects it will have on my and my children.

If you're concerned more about what the neighbors think than you are about the health of your marriage, I'm not sure I hold out much hope for your marriage to recover. Lady, I don't know why you think his ability to keep his job might be compromised. I'm retired military and adultery is a criminal offense there. However, even in the military, it's a very, very rare event for one instance of misconduct in this area to result in court martial or dismissal. I cannot conceive of an occupation where knowledge of an adultery would be stricter than the response within the military.

Also, I ran across a thread searching for a response to another poster which contradicts my initial take on your situation. Frankly, I was wrong. Dr. Harley recommends total exposure even in the unlikely event the adultery is completely over and where there is no doubt. Here is the thread:

[color:"red"]Dr. Harley's Advice On Exposure [/color]

Personally, it's my feeling if you want to apply Dr. Harley's principles in any other fashion than his public advice, you need to be working closely with one of the professional counselors in the MB community. If you can, I'd recommend you get an appointment for phone consultation with Steve Harley as soon as possible for personalized information on how to proceed.

[quote] [/And I know that he blew his rep the second he unbuttoned his pants, but I don't want it to affect our general welfarequote]

WOW,

How can you say that you don't want it to affect your general welfare? You mean to tell me that you don't think about this all day - every day? Life is good and you live like nothing has happened? Come on, it has affected your life forever!!! You can't fool us here. We are trying to help you fight this A and this b*tch.

If I were you I would get my H and tell OWH together. OW should tell him, but I really don't think she will - nut job and all. This is her 3rd A - how many more women like you will have to suffer if you don't stop her by exposing?

WOW - you need to add to your story here for those that don't know where the OW works. Please do so.

Nothing is going to soften the blow to this BH. He will be devastated. But a little honesty from someone may help to lessen the feeling he is probably having that he is slowly going insane. It might help to lessen the gawd awful gut wrenching feeling he has that something just isn't right.

Are you happy that at least now you know? Are you happy that at least now you have a chance to save your marriage. Or do you wish that you had never found out, until after either he left you for his affair partner, or got to his 3rd or 4th affair?

I agree with everything Star said about his reputation and what he needs to do to save it.

I know your worry and I understand it, but really what are a few words the BH might say that would so destroy your life.

You keep saying he is an @ss, but he wasn't the one having an affair (at least not that we know of), was he? He is innocent in all of this, just like you.

Anyway, back to your marriage.

Is there anyway you can find out if the affair is ongoing? Have you mentioned a NC letter to your husband yet? One that you check and mail?

To the others, is it okay to CC the BH on an NC letter? Is that too cruel a way for him to find out? It seems terribly cruel to me, but not quite as cruel as the knife that is currently in his back.

And then Mel did bring up the very good point that neither of the affair partners should be forwarned about the exposure...lest the affair still be going on and they sabotage it.

This is a good point from Mel by way of Weaver. As I understand the situation right now, you still work with this homewrecker Wowser....correct? The contact that is tearing things apart is the contact YOU have to have with her....but as far as you know, the affair has ended, correct? If that's true, then I think as part of your recovery process your H should join you in doing the right thing IF he will. If he won't....do what you know is right. However, IF YOU THINK that this affair is still simmering or you see any evidence of contact....don't say a thing and don't delay....just expose!

I just thought of something further -

Didn't Pep say that she made her H tell the WH after DD? I think she said they did it together, with the MOW that was involved. The four of them met.

She has very good marriage now, and she said she needed her H to do this because she would have lost respect for him if he hadn't.

Respect is very important.

Just a thought. If I'm wrong Pep, please correct me.

Thanks everyone for replying. I've been really contemplating this the last couple of days. Tonight I'm going talk to my WH and see if he'll come with me to tell OWH. It's highly unlikely he will, but if he doesn't I'll go talk to him myself. What comes of it will come of it, but you are all right. OWH does have a right to know. Can anybody share some experiences of telling OWH/OMW?? This is all new territory to me and I'd like a little heads-up. Thanks again!!

Wowzers, if you don't think your H will willingly tell the OWH with you, then I would tell the OWH first and then tell your H afterwards. If you try to get him to tell OWH and he won't then you will have only sabatoged the exposure because they will be forewarned. And he may very well manipulate you into not telling him, which is very common.

Especially when dealing with a WS who is not really in recovery. And one who has not voluntarily informed his victim is probably not. Rather, he is still hiding from the consequences of his adultery, so exposure will facilitate his recovery by bringing the consequences to him.

The goal here is to tell the OWH and the most effective way to achieve that goal is to just tell him yourself. That way, he gets the true story and you can move on from this point. Telling your H beforehand just causes unneeded obstacles and problems that stand in the way of the OWH getting the truth if you don't think he will tell the OWH himself. [and you don't]

Your H may be angry at first, but that is a sign of someone who is really not in recovery. A person who is truly in recovery has remorse for their actions and WANTS their victim to know the truth. So, while your H may be angry at first, when he does recover, he will understand and appreciate that you did this. [and be rightly ashamed that he did not]

Telling the OP's spouse is not easy, but you tell him who you are and give him the facts. Offer to stay in touch with him so you can work together to ensure the affair stays killed.