OK so 4 months have past since dday...i have seen a total revalation in my marriage i am the bs...ww has changed so much it is remarkable! But on another note we have talked about it everyday! I know he has to be getting tired of this, i do feel he is remorseful and i do forgive him and told him that recently, ok so this morning i woke up thinking that enough is enough, i have let this other woman in my head and in our everyday conversations enough, so no more, but on the bad side my husband is in the military and has duty tonight, so he will be gone all night which completely freaks me out! Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this...it is still just the trust issue thing and i really am working hard to trust him but it is sooooo hard!

Don't worry about trusting him....you can't...that will take time. But you CAN trust yourself. You can believe in yourself and your ability to withstand whatever tonight and tomorrow will bring because YOU ARE strong, capable, faithful and confident in yourself. He can only fix him. He can't fix YOU...yanno?

There are two battles to fight after infidelity....the one to end the affair, and the one to end fear. You've ended the affair....now tackle the fear.

((((((((((((((((((((((marinewife)))))))))))))))))))

It's okay chere. You'll make it through!

Something you can do, if he is willing.

does he have a cellphone?

Have him call you from time to time. Maybe a call at 2200 and then one at 0400. something like that. If you feel better, have him call you from the CQ/SDO desk.

Being on duty means he should be relatively safe... but who knows for sure. Ask him to promise you any and all information you ask about over his night away. Realize he won't remember EVERYTHING... but he would certainly remember if OW showed up at the desk.

And he should tell you about it immediately. And then you back him up for his honesty and realize that he does not control her. So IF she shows up, she did it on her own and you and he are a team.

Just an idea. Might be too simplistic or leaving lots out to consider.

Does the OW work with your WH? I know you said they are both Marines...but are they in the same unit? Same rank?

same rank, different unit, but we all live on the same small baseuggg...i see her constantly and b/c of her job and his job they do have to talk every now and again about work...i understand this and she only calls him on his work phone.

How do you know she only calls him on his work phone?

Look, I'm not trying to start something here. But I do want you to realize that the affair does not truly end until there is no contact for life! You all cannot heal until that happens.

As a former Army Inspector General, I investigated a lot of adultery cases. Most were not pretty. But, there were some where the soldier went forward, admitted to his commander what had happened...and the commander made some decisions to make sure that the WS and OP were never together again.

Your husband need not get in trouble if he takes this to the commander. The commander can deal with this, separate them both and order both of them to have no contact.

With that knowledge, you will rest easier! Because you would know that they both risk jail time if they come out of no contact.

Look, there is no guarantee that sitting on this will keep it from ruining his career. All the OW has to do...or someone else i nthe unit...is to speak up and the command hear about it. And then, he will have a huge problem on his hands! But, if he walks in and admits it before they find out...and asks for help...his career should be fine.

And you will have the NC your marriage needs.

mortarman
ok here is the deal....her and her husband are moving off post in about 4 months from now, she doesnt contact him on his cell phone b/c i get the bills and he gives me all passwords to all of his account and all of that good stuff, so i know that is the only time she calls him, now on the other hand she should not have to contact my husband anymore, his last marine went through the course she teaches, so there should be no more contact, its just i see her all the time and it drives me insane, ir eally thought about leaving and going home for the next few months until her and her husband leave post, husband said no he doesnt want me to do that he would mis me too much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> her husband is aware of the situation also, my husband and i talked about if he should jsut go in and tell his co about the affair and he said he would, but i suggested for him not to due to the fact she is about to leave anyway and i would really be afraid that something might be done especially to his reputation to his marines, he is a well respected guy, as he should be, i really do realize that he is human and made a mistake and is truley sorry, but just rebuilding the trust is so hard. idont want to worry where he is at, i want to enjoy where i am at instead and it just isnt to that point yet. it seems liek recovery is taking forever even though we have only been at it for four months

Recovery will take forever as long as there is contact. Part of recovering from infidelity is accepting the consequences of your actions. He needs to tell his command and get the situation dealt with. If he refuses, he is still wayward, and is more likely to commit adultery again in the future because he "got away with it."

"he is a well respected guy, as he should be"...
What a fine example of a respectable guy he'd truly be should he stand up like a man, admit that he screwed up, and SET AN EXAMPLE for others who admire him.

honor and respect is earned in what we do when NO-ONE is watching........

ditto to what bringiton said......

Gotta agree with the last few posts.

Your husband is in a profession where honor and integrity are so important that without them...people die. If I am going to trust my life to this other person, they had best be trustworthy.

You said he made a mistake. No he did not. He made very poor choices. Very poor judgment. And if he makes decisions in his professional life as he has made in his personal life...people will die.

When I was an IG, I believed that every adulterous soldier that was brought to me no longer deserved to wear the uniform. They were not men (or women) of honor. They had no integrity. They had poor judgment and did not deserve to lead men into battle.

But, the ones that voluntarily came forward...that admitted their error. That stood up as a man and said "I screwed up. I am a man of honor and I will face the consequences. And I will do better." THAT GUY is a true man of honor! And we always kept that guy!

None of us go our whole career without screwing up. It is what you do when you screw up that really marks you as a man of honor or not. Your husband said he wanted to do the honorable thing and go to the command. Dont stop him.

I was also a former first sergeant. And I can tell you, a man that walked into my office and admitted his errors and committed to doing better...that guy I would work my butt off for to get him back on track.

But...if someone walked in my office and said "Hey Top...did you hear that SGT Schmedlack is shacking up with SGT Hodown?" If I find out that way...then I hammered those two!

It's about honor. He deserves to be a Marine if he handles his error with integrity. His men will learn something about honor also, thru what he does with this.

But, if he doesnt handle it...if he sweeps it under the rug...then he doesnt deserve to wear the uniform.

I know if he read this, he would know exactly what I am talking about. Do you?

marinewife, recovery can't begin until contact ends. This is like sending an alcoholic into the bar every day, giving him drinks, but calling them "business drinks." There needs to be complete and total no contact in order for your H to withdraw.

How do you know the OW's H knows about the affair? Did you tell him yourself? Did you hear from HIS LIPS that he knows?

yes, i told him, well she did, and then they came over to my house and we all talked about i, her husband and i asked if they loved each other and wanted to be together , she said nothing, my husband looked at her and said i want to be with my wife not you..she has called him at work 2 times in the last 4 months due to work, so its not an everyday occurance and she shouldnt have to call him anymore.

So, what's going on MW98???