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Does anyone have the NC post from 2OAK?

[color:"red"] this one? [/color]

"We need to be apart so I can find myself" What a cute little euphamism that is, finding yourself or finding out who you are.

Many of my dear friends here no that I am a big believer in using a gentle touch on those unfortunate souls who either "Need to find themselves" or "Need to find out who they are" before they can come home to their families.

So, as a public service to these unfortunate souls I have composed "Finding yourself for Dummies"

First, finding yourself...
1. If you can't find yourself, try looking in your shoes. More than likely you will be there.

2. Do not bother looking where your children or responsibilities are, though that would be a reasonable place to look we know you are not there.

3. If need be, go to the police station and give the desk sargeant an 8x10 or you and ask to have an APB put out since you can't find yourself.

4. Ask your child to point to their mom/dad, if you are not sure which one you are reach into your pants and feel around, if there is a penis there, you are dad, if not, you're probably mom.

Now one of these tried and true methods ought to help you find yourself, but it probable dark so let's help you see better. Reach behind you, palms facing you, arms hanging down and grab. That's your butt. Now reach in that and look for a large round object, that is your head. Now, with both hands pull as hard as you can. You are now performing recto-cranial extraction.

Ok, now you have found yourself. We are making progress here! Now we need to find out "who you are". This is not so hard. Look around the house - if there are one or more particularly short little people ask one of them, they are called children, they probably know the answer as it was one of their first two or 3 words. Not able to talk yet? No sweat.

Look for the full grown person with the red eyes who looks like they haven't slept in a while - they probably know. They aren't home??? let's keep looking.

Try looking in a desk or filing cabinet. Look for folders named "mortgage", "Utilities", Or "Marriage license". There will probably be two names here - you are one of those. So we have found you and narrowed it down to two people.

Now look and see if there is a wallet around. Remember that? Little pocket sized leather folding thingy. Look for something that says drivers license. There should be a name. Now find a mirror (Glass thingy in the bathroom), look at the picture on the driver's license and the face in the mirror, if they match, the name on the license is WHO YOU ARE. If they don't, check those papers you found - you are the other name.

Now that you have found yourself and know who you are go find the other full grown person in the house and introduce yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry I could not find myself or figure out who I was, I know now"

Next, knock off the drama, quit being melodramatic and start being mom/dad, husband/wife like you are supposed to and quit with the childish theatrics because the final piece is WHERE YOU ARE. This is called the real world where people depend on you to act like a grownup and keep track of details like who and where you are. The little people in the house are kinda sorta counting on you too.

If this doesn't work and you have to take a journey to answer these questions there is a chance that when you find yourself you will be alone, without a house, without a spouse, without children who love you and without a penny. That is how my XW found herself a year later. Trust me, my plan outlined earlier is better.

Ahhhhhhhhh.... okay, I needed to get that out since the day my XW took off into the sunset and another post yanked that rant out of me. If your WS tells you that they need time away to find themselves and discover who they are print it out for them. If they can't follow the directions make sure the door doesn't hit them in the rear and injure their head. There is a reason I harp on not putting up with crap from WS's who like to play little selfish games - if you indulge them they keep playing them.

I'm better now. Thanks for letting me take a good long vent... maybe I am finally getting my old, dead, buried, BS issues from the days before I met J out of my system.

[color:"red"] this one? [/color]

Once upon a time I was a very active member here. I vaguely recall the lingo... I was the WS, now a long time ago FWS....

I've stayed away for quite a long time now because focusing on past mistakes was interfering with the here and now.

Logged in tonight and saw that the names had changed but the text of the posts was identical.

A few thoughts, take'm for waht they may or may not be worth:

1. No contact is not an optional thing. In fact, it is the cornerstone of a larger concept. The concept is simple. In order to be unfaithful you first ahve to put yourself in a position where it is possible to do that. In short, a WS should not be trusted. A WS should not be believed and a WS should not have any privacy. They did, they blew it, time for a paradigm shift.

I started out with NC and when I was a member here (couple years) it was my soapbox. To this day I have no idea what the OW is up to - never looked into it and if she died 3.5 years ago I would not know. Frankly? Don't care. Don't remember her really. We don't talk about it any longer but one rule remains. If my darling wife ever has a question, doubt or suspicion I'll cheerfully go get wired to the polygraph. I look in the mirror at night and know I've not done a damn thing wrong. She knows it too because while here I developed habits like making my life transparent. Folks - many things might work, the above DOES WORK.

2. Whether a BS or a WS or an OP or (insert acronym) you aren't a victim once things are out in the open. You can control your destiny and you are 100% responsible for your decisions. If a WS and you decide to atone then you are responsible and it will take aloooooong time. Trust me - it is worth it. Our relationship, in hindsight, is 100 times better than it was before 'it' all happened. If you are a BS who chose recovery that has some responsibilities too. You have the choice to leave (not an attractive/easy choice mind you) but if you choose to stay you have work to do as well.

Don't really want to delve into the past at this point except to say this. Where many of you are now we have been. It takes time and hard work and for the WS it really does take a complete change in your attitudes and behaviors but it is quite possible.

If you are WS do yourself a few favors
Stop beating yourself up (only helps for a little while)
Change, period.
Figure out why YOU did it, address it
Quit being a coward and stand up. Recovery is tough, wear a cup and expect it to be tough but you made the mess and now YOU have to lead the cleanup.

Simple stuff, not easy but very very very simple. It's all about swallowing your pride, admitting you failed, changing and then being willing to prove it each and every day.

My wife comes first, second, third and we both know it. Four years later? We are happy.

That's the end game, work for it.

No, this one. I finally found it right after I posted that question.

I do so enjoy his posts.

Thanks Pep.



Short answer: NO!
Long answer: NO NO NO!
Blunt Answer: Not only no but ****** NO!

Why? Because it would be stupid. Once you have no contact achieved is when recovery really starts. The quickest, easiest and most likely way to restart communication between the affairees is to contact the OP.

Here is how it goes -
You call to:
A: Let her know your feelings (she cares, really she does, note how she sends you cards on your birthday and anniversary)
B: Call her a lousy slut (get her emotional and incentized to 'get' you - Nobel prize for judment headed your way)
C: Get closure (note to all... breaking no contact for 'closure' is absolutely the STUPIDEST thing one can do in recovery. When no contact is working the damned door is closed - put a chair against it, nail it shut but for the love of God do not open that damned door to see what OP is up to!!!!)

Ok, I know I am being rude and overbearing but it is for a good reason - this gives the OP an engraved invitiation to call, email or confront your husband in person to (depending on why you called her) her response if she still digs him to each of the above scenarios is:

A. Explain how she cares about him and wants what is best for him and how she loves him dearly.
B. Explain how she cares about him and wants what is best for him and how she loves him dearly.
C. Explain how she cares about him and wants what is best for him and how she loves him dearly.


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO and damnit NOOOOOOOO!
Never ever ever under any circumstances whatsoever do you break no contact.

Hear me, PLEASE on this - OP in general and OW in particular thrive on emotional drama, MOST (not all) OW's are bigtime into dramatics and this puts them center stage to speak to your spouse... even better, they can make themselves out to be the victim. They positively FEED on the victim role - unlimited drama, low low price!

No Contact is 100% effective if strictly followed and the concept seems very complex but here is what No Contact breaks down to:

No - it means no, none, nada, zip
Contact - it means contact, by either of you, for any reason, no matter what the intent, in any form - written, verbal, electronic, telepathic or physical.

When someone suggests getting 'closure' with the OP so that everyone can get along and sing the freakin Barney song in a circle, here is what you do:

Slap the snot out of them, hard - then slap them on the other side just in case they don't understand your first response.

ARGH!!!! In two years here I have seen dozens, DOZENS of relationships that are going along well in recovery drive right over the damned cliff into a rekindled affair because of breaking this blessedly simple commandment : Thou shalt not contact thy OP.

Locking the door and throwing away the key isn't good enough - you need to throw out the entire damned room.

You may notice that I have rather strong feelings about this and wonder if I have any clue about this - fair question. Put it this way - when a former cheater who bbroke it off with the OW 5 times under the 'just be friends and forget it plan' and once (1) as in final time with No Contact tells you the number one way to rekindle an affair you listen.

Is it me or do the 'closure' proponents never watch the Halloween and Friday the 13th movies??? They have got to be the same people who hit Michael Myers with a spitball, see him fall down and figure it's okay to peek under his mask.

Okay, deep breath: I'm calm now... sorry to pounce on your head but hopefully I have made you think that the whole girl chat with OP idea is not the best idea you've ever had. Understand the emotion, truly I do but this is about TWO people and always has been.

Do I think OPs are evil and deserve harm? No. But when it comes to recovery my attitude toward them is cold, cruel and unsympathetic - they are to be discarded with complete disregard for their feelings, wants, reasons yada yada yada. Sucks to be them but think it over - if they 'borrowed' your car and went for a drive they'd get ten years. If they borrow your spouse and get their feelings hurt then well, I'm sorry but Hallmark doesn't even have a card for that. Tough luck, next time get involved with an available person.

bumping up for others