sdg,

THANK YOU! I need it.

IHC

AmI,



Thank you. You all have encouraged me so far along in this process, I didn't want to be the one that everyone says "Too bad, she couldn't hack it!"

I could continue, I just don't want to anymore.

Moving forward for me means this...

Selling our property, moving to a new home, reinstating communication (no more 3rd parties), filing for dissolution of marriage, not worrying about how his actions are adversely affecting my kids (just doing my best to help them thorugh this horrible time), letting him move forward in his life, possible dating...after my D is final. I am ready to move into a new relationship...no rush but I would be willing if a "worthy" candidate showed up.

I am looking into buying as house in the next year or so...CS counts as income and I will have a great income to debt ratio once all this is settled.

I aqctually took the first step towards all this last night. I TM my WH " let's sale the duplex asap"

WH TM: why now

TM: I'm ready and it would help you out

It was a relief to do that. I feel like it helps me move forward.

I've contacted my legal service to ask what is required for D.

I feel very sad right now, but relieved as well. I would be really worried if I didn't feel sad, I should.

I have wanted to do this, but fear of failing and not being "strong" were what held me back. This step actually requires more faith and strength than holding on did. I still believe God gave me the promise of restoration...I am now holding him to that promise: restoration of me and my children to normalcy! I can be restored without my WH coming home.

I am close to that now and these steps feel like they are leading me closer to that end.

Words of input?

IHC

I COMPLETELY understand and would not try to talk you out of it. You certainly are worthy of being loved by someone who cherishes you.

IHC, you sound like moving forward is what is most healthy for you.

You sound firm in your resolve, and that is all you need to move forward. I hear what you are saying about not giving up on your H, but you must move forward and live your life.

I am here, we all are, we will back you up.

Thank you soo much!

I just don't want to be alone the rest of the way...

I think I was afraid that I would lose you guys and your support.

Now I know that won't happen and it makes me very happy.

I am stepping into the unknown and it holds a lot of promise, but a little fear as well! I am ready...

IHC

What SL said.

You know what you want, so do it. You said it--it's not like you're completely writing H off. If H shows up, THEN you decide what to do. Until then, do what's best for YOU. And you've figured out what that is.

It may be that your doing this will be enough to wake him up, but that's not why you're doing it.

(((IHC)))

"I didn't want to be the one that everyone says "Too bad, she couldn't hack it!""

Nope. You hacked very well! This isn't you giving up or quitting or doing anything wrong. Your WH did all that a long time ago!!


"Selling our property, moving to a new home, reinstating communication (no more 3rd parties), filing for dissolution of marriage, not worrying about how his actions are adversely affecting my kids (just doing my best to help them thorugh this horrible time), letting him move forward in his life, possible dating...after my D is final. I am ready to move into a new relationship...no rush but I would be willing if a "worthy" candidate showed up."

This all sounds really well thought out and planned and non-reactionary. Sounds like you know what the next, right step is for you, and you're ready for it. It's all about getting that timing right.

I think you're still going to have to deal with this part, though: "not worrying about how his actions are adversely affecting my kids (just doing my best to help them thorugh this horrible time)".

Given his recent history of less-than-stellar decision-making, I would bet that his actions are still going to adversely affect the kids, and you'll still have to run interference. We still have to do things to protect our kids from bio-mom, including not letting them stay with her when she's living with the most recent love of her life (a new one every time, so they stay at her mom's house instead).

He may even start making bad decisions just to spite you. At one point, we had to get lawyers involved to set appropriate movie viewing standards. When she let them watch "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" when they were 3 and 6, we told her they were too young for R-rated movies. So she started letting them watch X rated and Non-rated ones, instead. (Yes, honestly.)

Or stupid decisions from thinking with the wrong head. Our DS, who was 7 at the time got left to babysit his 4-year-old sister and infant half-brother in a hotel room all night one night so that bio-mom could go out bar-hopping.

Anyway, didn't mean to TJ with my own stuff. I was mostly just trying to illustrate that, in my experience, xWS's completely lose their minds and do ridiculous stuff. And kids are an easy way for them to target you.


"I am looking into buying as house in the next year or so...CS counts as income and I will have a great income to debt ratio once all this is settled."

Good for you!!! That is so exciting ... your own place that will be all yours and not have any heart-wrenching memories. Moving on, and in a great way! I'm proud of you!

"I aqctually took the first step towards all this last night...."

You know it's when mimi did this that her WH finally came around. Not necessarily what will happen, and you may be too far gone by then for it to do him any good. But seeing you move on and get a life, a great life, without him will definitely be a huge lump for him to swallow.


"I still believe God gave me the promise of restoration...I am now holding him to that promise: restoration of me and my children to normalcy! I can be restored without my WH coming home."

This brought tears to my eyes! That's one of the main things that I've always remembered about your early posts -- that God promised you restoration. I even told people about it, I thought it was so cool. God is faithful. He will fulfil His promise to you!


Hang in there, girl. You are not a quitter or loser or failure. That alien WH gets all those titles!!


-AmI.

Wow AmI,

You amaze me...your input is so insightful and helps me to know that I am being very calm and rational about all this.

The restoration part is what weighed so heavily with me over these last 2 months of deciding. I was stuck that it had to mean my H coming home. Restoration can happen in multiple ways...even in the form of a new husband, no husband or the old one! I am feeling like this step is actually requiring more faith out of me than waiting...it is definitely the big unknown. But I know that God has amazing plans for me and my kids and we are going to live out those plans to the fullest...whatever they may be!

I also know that my heart is not hardened to him completely so the possibility of recovery may still exist...I'm not trying to think along those lines though...that would be holding on still.

About the kids, I am still a mother bear and will be very protective of my kids. However there is the part of me that is done protecting him from his own mistakes. My kids are very bright and they know the choices he is making are bad choices. I am not going to go out of my way to minimalize those errors on his part as I have done in the past. But watch out if you start screwing up ...

My guess is he will be very confused with this sudden game change. Like I'm up to something devious.

In all reality, I think I could be in a room with him and feel some tension, but not be overly worked up about it. I could even be civil to her...although I hope that doesn't happen soon or often!!!

Wow, this feels good ( relief) and stressful all at the same time.

Thank you for walking through this with me!!!

IHC

If you don't mind me asking, why are you "MOVING FORWARD"?

Why are folks considering this to be "HEALTHY" for you?

Is your H different than other WSes? Is he abusive?

You are wanting to hand him over to the OW?

You have 4 kids to raise on your own?

You only been in PLAN B a short period of time?

You do not want to RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

mimi,

I just know that it is time. I am not looking for a new relationship, I am just ready to go on with my life.

I have prayed about this for a very long time and feel like God has released me. I have said that I do not feel like I have closed the door on the possibility of my H returning.

However, since I allowed myself to make this decision, I have learned multiple things about my H that I never knew. He had been living a very decteiful life with me, participating in activities that we, as a couple, had never done nor would have done...or so I thought.

I have felt very free since this decision was made. I am no longer scared of this decision. I used to be.

In all honesty, I really do not want to recover my marriage anymore. He has been with her for over a year, I have discovered his lying about multiple things over our marriage and he is not who I married, even beyond being a WH.

Again, I have not hardened my heart towards him and would consider that if the opportunity presented itself...but I do not know how I would respond if it did happen.

The OW already has him. They live together with her D, she is involved in all his family functions (with my IL's).

I hope all this does not sound badly, but I really have a lot of hope and excitement for my future with my children. BTW, I think I have acted very much as a single mom for most of my kids lives anyway, so the only difference is not getting any down time...or going to the store alone...


IHC

Since making this decision, I have spoken to my WH 3 times. Not once has it "triggered" me. I really feel nothing at this point, just very business like. Like how I deal with clients at work...

I also found out that just by filing 2 forms, and agreeing on current LSA orders, our D would be final June 27, 2007.

The only hitching point will be the CS, he wants to pay less than what he is ordered to and would probably make a huge stink out of it...which would delay things. i think if I offered him a reduction of 250.00 he would accept and cut his losses...but we will see. I meet with my legal service next week and told him that I would figure out what CS would be at the 20% visitation rate and without his car/gas allowance ( of which they allowed 250 to go towards his income.)

If the amount changes a lot in his favor, I will offer him the 250 a month, if not, I will say it did not change things...It would be to my benefit to get him to go along with this because I have since gotten a raise and have worked a considerable amount of OT.

Anyway, we will see what happens.

I may be able to keep eerything the same and convince him that he will be ok financially once our property sells...that would get us both out of debt. He would be fine then...we will see.

The thing that amazes me with all of this is that I feel stronger about this decision every day and every day I have some further confirmation (if you will) that I am doing the right thing.

i don't know how to explain it other than I feel God has released me.

There has been some anxiety associated with all this...I have had trouble sleeping, but more because I feel like I have a new list of things to do...it seems overwhelming in that respect. But I think a decision of this magnitude would come with some anxiety.

Does anyone else echo mimi's sentiments. I really do appreciate her input and think she is amazing...

IHC

I would echo Mimi's sentiment, if I heard indecision coming from you. Not everyone works in the same way.

Choosing Plan B doesn't necessarily mean that everyone who goes dark will grow stronger in their conviction to save the M. We are all different. As it has been said, and I totally agree with it, you could have filed right after Dday. You chose to give it time and thought.

You could be completely self-sacrificing and stick it out for the children ALONE. This is your choice, too, not just the WS.

Also, one must consider the attachment that each separate person has to their spouse. I am very attached, but can feel myself slipping into a more single-minded person again, as I was VERY single-minded prior to my R/M with WH.

I think Mimi, as well as many others who have survived, are a testament to MB working. I think the trick is, these people remained rooted in their goal of marital recovery. As time goes by, this can change for some.

Just letting you know that I read your response, IHC.

It's your life, your choice.

I've not ever walked in your shoes.

It would be wrong of me to judge you.

Well,

I am glad I have made the decision I have made. Since that decision was made, I have found out information that just encourages me along that path.

First, I found out that my STBXH has been drinking for several years...hiding it from me. This is something that was not accepted as ok in our home. Mutually agreed upon anyway...or so I thought.

Then today, a friend told me he had seen my WH making out with a woman about 2 years ago. It was out in the open, just 1 block from where I work...on church grounds no less. My friend had seen OW car there multiple times, but only saw them making out the one time. He confronted my WH and said all the normal...you shouldn't be doing this...great wife, great kids...etc. WH tried to deny, but friend basically said you can't deny. WH admitted he neded to "take care of it"

WH was making out in the open on our church's property...guess he wanted out a long time ago.

So, my initial suspicions that there have been multiple women is right.

I am so glad that this information came out after I made my decision...it just confirms I am doing the right thing.

I do not want him back. I deserve so much more.

IHC

YUCKITY YUCK YUCK!!!

I think Mimi has a point, in that your Plan B was relatively short, and could, possibly, have more of an effect if it was carried out longer. I also think that your WH's A is bound to burn itself out pretty quickly, and that he'll want to come back.

But the real purpose of Plan B is to protect the BS's $LB while the A plays itself out, right? And when the $LB gets too far in the hole before the A burns itself out, then there's nothing left to protect.

You're the only one who will know that timing. Sometimes the BS outlasts the WS and the A, and sometimes the BS moves on long before the WS comes around. It sounds to me like you're making the decision rationally and thoughtfully, and not just jumping into it based on the feelings of the moment. I don't think there is any shame, or anything wrong, in knowing when it's time to move on. Regardless of how short or long your Plan B was.


SH has talked me down from several "I just want out of this mess, it would be easier for me to just give up and get D'ed" meltdowns. And if I thought that any of that would help, I'd be parroting what he'd said to me.

But mine were individual instances, emotional overload, passing, in the moment kinds of feelings. To me, at least, it doesn't sound like that's where you are.

SH also once told me that the reason for BS's to hang on is hope -- believing that the best possible outcome is to be in love again with your spouse, and for them to be in love with you, too. He said when it gets to the point that you no longer belive that it's really the best possible outcome for you to be in love with your spouse (and them with you, even if you don't know how to get there), that's when it's time to throw in the towel.

It sounds like you're at that point, you're the only one who will really, know, though. So you tell us ... is your $LB irretreivably in the red? Do you have any hope left that the best possible outcome would be if you were in love with your spouse (regardless of whether you think you ever could be again or not)?


-AmI.

Ewwwwww.

AmI,


This is definitely not a decision made in the heat of any emotion. I have thought very long, hard, and carefully. In fact, I feel like I fought it for a long time.

The more time that goes by, the more disconnected I feel toward him. I realize that I idealized a lot of our marriage. Because I tend to think more positively, I didn't see the real underlying issues. My H was not who I thought him to be...probably for the majority of our marriage. I would never be with that person again.

Maybe, someday down the road, if a completely transformed man were to appear and want something from me, it might be a possibility. I have not ruled that out completely, but it would take a lot for me to go there. The trust issue would be very difficult, especially in light of either multiple affairs or one that has endured for more than 2 years.



I believe I am at that point. I honestly believe that he has had multiple affairs..if not PA, then for sure EA's. I do not feel much of anything for him at all. I don't even feel like I hate him. I feel little to no emotion for him at all...except maybe some pity that he is so confused that he is missing out on a great family. (kids mainly)

I think it is a little self righteaous of me to say, but I deserve someone who has the same moral integrity that I do and that doesn't waiver in that. I know I am not perfect, but I have a lot higher of a standard for myself and almost feel like he is "beneath" me at this point. Please take this in the way it is meant...maybe just self respecting.

The more I learn about him and the things he has hidden, the further in the red that balance goes.

I feel quite peaceful about this decision...which I think is a good sign. And I have been readdressing all the reason why I am doing this and getting a lot of input from people to make sure that I am not just takinng the easy way out. This does not feel easy, that is for sure.

Plan B was not difficult for me, in fact, it helped give me some clarity. I rally believe that this was an out the door affair (per Torn Asunder...aka exit affair). In reality, he wanted out years ago, he just never did anything openly enough to make it happen.

Feedback more than welcome.

IHC

What about your children?

Your youngest is only 3 years old.

I am sad for THEM.

Are you sure that you aren't rewriting history?

Steve Harley would say that if you loved him before you can love him again.

It must have been lots of love there to make all of those babies.

My H had fallen out of love with me...FOR SURE...

mimi,

I am sad for my children too. I believe I held on more for them than I did for myself. This is horrible for them, no doubt. I cannot undo the damage that has already been done, all I can do is be the best mom I can and provide a loving safe environment for them.

Rewriting history...I don't think I am. I know that for the majority of our marriage, SF was an issue. Many times because I felt like it didn't matter that I was the one who was under him...it could have been anyone, just as long as it happened. Many times I felt like I was being violated. I know for a fact of at least 3 times he was "this close" to an affair...maybe they actualy took place or maybe not, but the thought was definitely there.

He was very kind and loving when we first met, but that lasted only for the first year or so. He used to talk to me til the wee hours of the morning...after we married, he was so quiet. One thing I know about him...when he dislikes someone, he becomes almost mute. He was basically mute the last 4-5 years of our marriage. He is very non-confrontational.

I will be the first to turn around and head in the other direction if I feel I am wrong about my decision...nothing is final yet. But I really have felt released by God to move forward. I really am open to whatever God wants to do in my life...whether it is my first choice or not. I will be obedient to that. Even if I am kicking and screaming all the way! LOL

I really appreciate your voice in this matter...I completely look up to you and respect you. Please know that I am still in constant prayer to make sure my motivations are in line with what God wants for me and my children. I am not too stubborn to admit I am wrong and change directions if God speaks that into my heart...I promise...