Five years ago my wife left me "emotionally" and then withdrew physically from our relationship, replacing me with a woman friend in an emotional affair that eclipsed our marriage.
With few exceptions, I had little reason to believe we did not have a good sex life, we in fact have 8 children.
As a Christian, I had a high regard for the power and place of sex in marriage. I was glad to process the idea of sex through the Song of Solomons.
I made efforts not to expend my mojo looking at other woman, on the street, etc... In an office with younger men using free moments to see the latest porn site, I ignored them, such was my habit, not that I wasn't aware of the desire.
I had run ins with porn when I was younger, and as my parents didn't not interact with us much, I had a deep lonliness, and was happy to find this resolved and a rightful place for sex when I married, a burden was lifted, and I set about building a life of love and acceptance and involvement with our children, completely opposite of my own upbringing.
But as my wife withdrew from me, and as I work online and late at night, my resentment fueled me to peek here and there or follow a pop up window. Little by little, an addiction set in, as I realized to what length she would go to justify her devotion and enthusiasm for this woman. I became bitter at her, and bitter because I was falling into this humiliating trap. At one point, I even thought her relationship with the woman might be because of this hidden problem, and I shared it with her. Her response was a simple, "I thought beter of you..." not the kind of hurt or jealousy you might expect, which was the beginning of me realizing how much this woman meant to her, and how little I did. In fact, she would come home from visiting her and be interested in initiating sex, which I thought was some kind of coverup.
I would never prefer online sex to my wife, not in a million years. She never took initiative, and I was starved for not the sex, but the intimacey of it.
I am now separated, everytime I confronted the relationship with the woman, things got more out of hand. Underneath it was my frustration to get out of this developing porn habit, but she became even insulting about everything, including sex. We had a normal 2-3 times a week sex life, I would not qualify as obsessed, maybe a little Irish Catholic. She seemed happy with it, I can recall many expressions to that end. In a sense, she empowered me. But with the involvement of this woman, it became "all's I'm interesteed in is sex". I think when I lost her to this woman, I tried to reach out physically, to regain the connection I was competing for. I don't know any man that can compete with another woman in communication. I think that's something woman do. Fact is, I put a lot of confidence in our unspoken communication. I have never been a gifted small talker.
Anyhow, the abandonment and lonliness I've dealt with are making this harder to kick. I'm sure the attraction of it would not be there if I had the normal sex life, I can't believe the irony of it, I'm a guy that would prefer my wife. I hear woman having fits of resentment about finding their husband use porn. I'd give anything for a possissive wife, she seems to define herself by her indifference.
I need to find my self-esteem, and kick this thing. I'm not into any "extreme porn",not that it isn't all extreme, but I used to have incredible vision for family, career and life, she's crushed me. Everything I hear about men-woman affairs here, I've seen between them. But I need to respond with a clear head, and I'm hiding my pain in this problem. There's too much at stake, whether I lose the marriage or not, which has never been what I want.

Dealing with it so you can move forward is important. Can you give Steve a call?

L.

HR,

I'm sure you will get a lot of good advice about how to win your wife back when more of the "regulars" log on later in the day.

In the meantime, I think you already hold the key to kicking your porn problem. You said it yourself:

[color:"blue"] "I'm hiding my pain in this problem."[/color]

Time to face the pain... feel it... work through it.

And start figuring out why you try to escape from pain through fantacy. I think you also hold the key to this question. Again, in your own words:

[color:"blue"] "...and as my parents didn't not interact with us much, I had a deep lonliness."[/color]

"Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes is a pretty good book about sexual addictions. You'll find that most of the case studies presented in the book are about people with far more extreme addictions than your porn habit. But don't let that put you off.

Wishing you some peace soon,
--SC

Hi,
curious....does your wife know anything about your porn habit?
have the 2 of you discussed or is it something you hide from her?

I did begin to share it, it seemed she just blew it off and said she thought better of me, the main issue was her relationship with this woman, and she didn't want anything good or bad about me getting in the way. It showed me the value she put on our relationship. For a long time, any attempts at talking deeply were seen as an attempt by me to control her, and she'd found love and acceptance with this woman.

She got bit by the A bug and THINKS she found it with the OW.

Realize that you can't teach nor control a WS.

Best to work on you and get yourself strong so that when the OW decides the WS isn't lesbian material, you may choose to be there to help your W heal...or you may be strong enough to have moved on. Your choice AFTER you work on you.

On your part, this stuff will take time, effort energy and $$. Go read the concepts section above, get the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Then give Steve a call.

Because you are dealing with a same sex R, you will have some altered issued to deal with. Still you need to follow a similar course since this is A based.

Also secure your family's finances away from the WS. Setup your personal support group and expose the WS. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

take care,
L.